| |
EVEN IN HER RESTFUL state, Ben's sister is beautiful. She reminds me of Ben, so much that they could have been twins. Sophie has the same chiseled jaw, full lips and dark brown hair. She looks like the kind of girl who could have had a perfect life, had fate not dealt such a horrible hand.
“I hate seeing her like this,” Ben says. “The feeding tube, the catheter, the machines... it doesn't look right on her.”
I briefly touch one of Sophie's hands, because they look so soft. There must be a nurse who takes really good care of her.
Ben whispers, “You can't even imagine how much guilt I feel. I feel it every day, all the time. I didn't want to live with it, but... here I am. That's probably my punishment. I hate myself, but I'm stuck with myself.”
Ben certainly doesn't act like he hates himself. The Ben I know seems cocky, confident, and totally sure of himself. Now I wonder if it's just a facade.
“If Sophie could talk, I bet she wouldn't want you to hate yourself,” I tell him.
“Really? Are you sure about that?” Ben drags a hand along his face, wiping away his pained grimace. “See, I'm not so sure she wouldn't hate me too. I took away her chance for a normal life. She's got a three percent chance of making a full recovery. That means no brain damage, no spine damage... a miracle, basically. Even if she comes out of it, there's a good chance she'll never be able to walk again. Do you really think she could look at me and say, sorry, brother, I know you messed up, but I forgive you? I wouldn't forgive me. I'd hate me for the rest of my life.”
Ben's self-hatred has me pouting. No comforting words could erase that hate, but I have to say something. “Sophie loved you, didn't she? If she did, she wouldn't want you to keep torturing yourself like this!”
“I have no way to know that for sure, though,” Ben says. “Maybe she'd want me to suffer for what I did? Shit, I don't know.”
“Did she seem like that kind of girl to you?”
“No.” Ben's hiding behind his hands now, so his voice is muffled. “Sophie was sweet... way too sweet for a brother like me.”
I could try to defend Ben all day, but I doubt he would listen to any of it. Any absolution would have to come from Sophie herself—and that could be arranged.
“Ben, I think we should talk to Jeremiel,” I suggest. “People in comas sometimes have dreams. If we could get you into Sophie's dreams, you could ask how she feels.”
“But... would I be talking to the real Sophie, or some dream-version of her?” Ben asks.
“It would be the real Sophie. I can't promise she'll remember what you say to her, but I can promise she's as real as you and me.”
Ben isn't hiding his face anymore, so I give him a reassuring smile. He looks confused, or maybe doubtful, so I continue, “I think of dreams as a sort of... in-between world where spirits and mortals can cross paths. It's not easy to enter someone's dreams, but with the help of someone like Jeremiel...”
“Would he even help me?” asks a shrugging Ben. “I'm just a bad student with a bad rating.”
“You're not a bad student. I'm your instructor. I should know.”
I take out my LightTab and start typing a message to Jeremiel, who's been in my list of contacts since I started my Archangel Training. This is definitely the first time I've reached out to him, though. There are other spirits who can enter dreams, but I figure I have a better shot with someone who isn't a complete stranger.
Jeremiel writes, “be there in a moment.” His definition of a moment must be three seconds, because he appears in Sophie's hospital room as I'm reading his text to Ben.
“Hello, hello, hello!” Jeremiel greets us more exuberantly than I expected. “Did you hear the good news about Rosalind and Edwin? I assume you did, because your mission depended on it. So, what did the lovely Kaylene need from Jeremiel today?”
At least he sounds like he's in a good mood. It's a good time to ask for a favor. “Do you remember my student, Ben?”
“Who could forget him?” asks a winking Jeremiel.
“Well... I was wondering if it would be possible to get him into his sister's dream.” I point at Sophie, assuming he'll make the connection.
“I could do that... if I felt like it. But what can do you for Jeremiel in return?” the Archangel asks. My mouth gapes, and a moment later, he bursts out laughing. “I'm teasing, dear. I'd be happy to do a favor for you, whether it's returned or not.”
All of a sudden, Jeremiel sends us to a forest, where tall trees and rustling branches make for an idyllic scene. Sunlight trickles through their leaves, spotlighting a young girl on a picnic bench. She's feeding nuts to squirrels. They crawl across her lap to pluck the treats straight from her fingers. That's how I know we're in a dream world. Real squirrels wouldn't be so bold.
“It's Sophie,” Ben whispers to me. “Should I talk to her?”
“No. Don't talk to her. Go ahead and waste our time,” Jeremiel teases him. “I just love to have my time wasted.”
Ignoring Jeremiel, I ask Ben, “Do you want me to go with you, or should I wait over here?”
“You can come,” Ben says. “I could probably use the moral support.”
I hang close to Ben as he approaches his sister's table. The crunch of trodden leaves alerts her to our presence, and a smile soars across her face when she sees her brother.
“Ben!” she exclaims. “I didn't expect to see you here! How did you find me?”
Sliding into the seat across from her, he replies, “It's... a long story.”
“Would you like some nuts?” Before he can answer her question, Sophie asks another one. “Who's your friend?”
“This is Kaylene,” Ben says. “She, uh... she's my, uh...”
He doesn't know how to introduce me, and I'm not surprised. Kaylene is my afterlife instructor would require a long explanation.
“Hello, Kaylene. I'm Sophie. You're welcome to join us.” Sophie scoots down the bench, making a place for me. “Would you like some nuts?”
I take a few pistachios from Sophie's bag, even though I'm not a huge fan of nuts. It looks like she's waiting for me to say something, but this is Ben's moment, not mine. Our time is limited and I don't want to waste it with small talk.
“Ben, how did you find me?” Sophie asks. “This has been my special spot in the woods for ages. I didn't think anyone could find me here.”
“You really have no idea what's going on, do you?” Ben pauses to mouth a curse, then he blurts, “Sophie, you're in a coma right now.”
Her eyebrows shoot up. “I'm... what?”
“You're in a coma. You're actually in a hospital right now,” Ben explains. He keeps glancing at me, as if he's expecting me to help, but this is as strange to me as it is to him. “Do you remember the accident?”
Sophie slowly repeats the word, “Ac...ci...dent?”
“You were in the car with me. I picked you up from Alisha's house,” Ben says. “On the way home, I smashed into a truck. I was unscathed, but... that accident put you in a coma.”
Leaning toward her brother, Sophie whispers, “Oh no. I do remember. It's a bit hazy, but...” She looks down at her squirrel friends, some of them still sitting on her lap. “So, is this some kind of dream?”
“Yeah. That's exactly what this is.” Ben rubs his glistening eyes, constantly threatened by tears. “I came here to say sorry, Sophie. I know I can't apologize for something like this, and I know you could never forgive me, but—”
“Who said I could never forgive you?” Sophie interrupts. “I love you, Ben. There's nothing I couldn't forgive.”
Ben finally breaks down. He claps a hand against his face and cries behind a shield of fingers. Sophie moves to his side of the bench and wraps an arm around him, cradling him as he cries.
“This really must be a dream. I don't think I've ever seen you cry!” she exclaims.
“I'm sorry,” Ben whimpers another apology. “I'm so sorry, Sophie. I'm really, really sorry.”
“Ben, please don't be upset!” Sophie flashes an awkward smile in my direction as she holds her crying brother. “I forgive you! I know you'd never hurt me intentionally. I'm sure it'll be okay. I'll wake up eventually, you'll see me again, and—”
“No.” Ben sniffles and shakes his head. “No, you won't. I'm dead, Sophie.”
Confusion pinches Sophie's face as she digests that thought. “But... how are you dead, Ben? I thought you weren't hurt in the accident?”
Ben hides behind both of his hands as he confesses to his sister, “I couldn't handle what happened to you, and I knew I was responsible for it, so... I dumped a lot of crap in my system to cope with the pain. I wish I could say I didn't know what I was doing, but—”
Sophie smacks his head in mid-sentence. “You idiot! You killed yourself? Why would you do that?”
“I mean... I guess it wasn't totally on purpose,” Ben says. “I knew there was a chance I wouldn't wake up from it, but I kind of felt invincible too, so...”
“Idiot...” Sophie repeats. As her head shakes with disbelief, she meets my gaze again. I don't disagree with her, so I give her a little nod. “So... if I wake up, you won't be there?”
Ben parts a few of his fingers and stares at Sophie between them. Sucking in a sharp breath, he confirms, “I won't be there.”
When Sophie starts crying, I secretly pinch my arm so I won't start crying with her. “That is what's hard to forgive!” she shouts at her brother. “I don't want to wake up in a world without you! I don't want to wake up in a world where you thought it was okay to die and leave me behind!”
“I'm sorry, Soph!” Ben exclaims. “I know I messed up. Bad. I don't know what I was thinking.”
“You weren't thinking.” Sophie shoves him away, but a split second later, her arm is around him again. “Mom and Dad are probably really sad, you know. I know they weren't always the greatest, but I'm sure they miss you too.”
Ben solemnly nods his head. “Yeah. They probably do.”
“Still, I don't want you to hate on yourself,” Sophie says. “I do love you... even if you are an idiot.”
“Yeah. I love you too.” Ben's mumbled reply makes me think he doesn't say those words too often.
Ben hasn't glanced in my direction since he started crying. If he's embarrassed, he shouldn't be, because I like seeing this side of him.
“So, if you're dead... what's the afterlife like?” Sophie asks.
Before Ben can utter a word, Jeremiel snaps his fingers, sending us out of the dream.