part0014

In AA, members are told they usually must hit “rock bottom” before finding the urgency—and courage—to turn their lives around. For some, this means losing their personal possessions, their house, their car, their savings—as a consequence of substance abuse. For others, it can mean waking up in an abandoned tenement in a rough part of town bruised and bloodied with no memory of how they got there. And for others still, it can mean the pain and humiliation of being arrested, booked, and spending time in jail alongside others who have taken a wrong turn in life.

As I learned in Al-Anon, alcoholism and drug abuse can affect family members just as seriously as it does the offenders themselves. Little wonder we tend to travel the same downward path as those who are using and abusing. All of this is to say, I, too, needed to hit my bottom: divorce. Signing court papers was to me the equivalent of signing a criminal confession. It was me admitting before the world I had failed at my most important task: being a successful wife and mother. The shame I felt was palpable. I wanted nothing more than to run away to some town on the other side of the country, a place where no one knew me.

Suffering this way led me to thoughts about reincarnation, a concept central to the beliefs of Jainists, Hindus, and Buddhists alike. I wanted to be reborn, to receive a fresh start—so long as this other life still somehow involved being near my Sanam. Of course, the ancient faiths I mentioned also believe in karma , the idea our past deeds not only come back to bless or haunt us in this life, but also in future lives. If this were the case, then even reincarnation could not free me from the spiritual agony I felt. If I were to redeem myself, if I were going to claw my way out of the emotional black hole into which I had fallen, it would have to be through my own efforts, not the result of some metaphysical do-over.

Back in the 1980s, I used to watch the NBC sitcom Cheers . (Didn’t everybody?) Set in a Boston bar “where everybody knows your name,” the show featured a cast of eclectic characters who bonded as a surrogate family. They could always be counted on to support the others in times of trouble, even when the calamities were self-inflicted. After my divorce, I longed for my Sam Malone, my Diane Chambers, or even my Cliff Clavin. The fact was, although I had now lived in Irvine for many years, I had made zero friends in my neighborhood.

Yes, I knew most of my immediate neighbors on a passing basis, but beyond trading comments about the weather, I knew little about them and they knew little about me. These weren’t people I might ask to collect my mail when I was out of town let alone attempt to commiserate with about something as serious as the demise of a marriage.

Outside of my loving family, for whom I remain ever grateful, and the handful of individuals with whom I’d grown close in Al-Anon, I had little in the way of what you might call an “emotional support system.” Going about my day often meant seeing other mothers sitting at the park talking and laughing with each other. Observing such a scene couldn’t fail to sadden me, especially when I watched their children playing together on the playground. Witnessing the easy manner in which they interacted made me feel inferior. Like an outsider.

Meanwhile, at work, my job often filled me with worry and anxiety. I was basically living paycheck to paycheck, and constantly worried something might go wrong. Just a single slipup, a wrong word, an inappropriate glance, could force both Sanam and me out of our house and onto the streets. (Although Orange County is world-famous for its affluence, it is not immune from the homeless problem plaguing nearly every American metropolis.) Ultimately, seeing other people’s happiness, whether it be at home or work, just deepened my depression. I didn’t want to be a downer. I didn’t want to be sad, but I didn’t know what else to do.

They say God doesn’t give you any problems you can’t handle, but sometimes I can’t help wondering if that’s true. I can think of tens of millions of victims of war, disease, famine, and criminal violence who might beg to differ. Still, in my case, I was fortunate to get the help I needed when I needed it most.

Al-Anon turned out to be my primary lifeline. The support I received there was invaluable. They were my friends . I can honestly say I would not be where I am today if not for this organization, which sustained me in my darkest moments. Likewise, the level of empathy and encouragement I continuously received was nothing short of awe-inspiring. As I recounted in the last chapter, my sponsor, Katie, helped me get through my first 12-step regimen when I was trying to salvage my marriage. After my divorce, part of me felt like an alcoholic who’d fallen off the wagon and needed to start anew. Back to step 1. Again, Katie served as my rock, catching me whenever I found myself slipping, too overwhelmed by it all.

Although designed for alcoholics, the 12 steps are, in my opinion, so well thought out and universally applicable they can assist any individual who is crying out for help. My life experience continues to affirm we are all flawed in one way or another. We are all vulnerable to any number of temptations compelling us to ignore our better judgments and follow our urges, however self-destructive they may be.

For some people, their weakness is alcohol. For others, its chemical stimulants, including nicotine. Some are compulsive gamblers or have sexual addictions. And we all know workaholics, people who are compulsive about keeping busy, even if it means ignoring friends and family. Heck, some people are even addicted to 12-step programs. Seriously. Parodied in the movie, Fight Club , these individuals run obsessively from one meeting to another, drawing a rush from the emotional ride. They can even experience painful psychological withdrawal if they can’t find their next meeting.

The more I began attending Monday night gatherings of Al-Anon, the more I became aware of my own part in trying to control and manipulate Umesh in the belief, as heartfelt as it might have seemed to me, I was doing the “right” thing for us. (As I eventually learned, you can never achieve a full understanding of, or be comfortable with, the disease of alcoholism.) Working with Katie and other group members, I learned how relinquishing control—one of the hardest things a person like me can do—can actually be empowering. Surrendering the need to be in charge and/or responsible for someone else is downright liberating. Allowing Umesh to make his own decisions, his own mistakes, and to be wholly responsible for the consequences, allowed me to experience euphoric freedom.

As I progressed through the 12 steps, Katie was not just my sponsor, but also my confidant. I looked forward to seeing her at every Al-Anon meeting. Once, when I expressed my feelings of fear and anxiety, she recommended I write a letter to myself. In it, I was to reveal a secret I dared not admit to anyone. That night, after much soul searching, I recalled a memory from a childhood so painful I had never even discussed it with any of my therapists.

In the letter, I described the incident in as much detail as I could recall, as well as the emotions I associated with it. The next day, Katie asked to see the document. With great reluctance I pulled it from my purse, offering it to her. She did not take it. Instead, she handed me a lighter and instructed me to burn the letter.

“Why?” I asked, confused.

“Because it will make you feel better.”

So, with trembling hands, I flicked on the lighter. Carefully, I lowered the folded letter into the dancing flame, then watched as the fire began to consume the paper. At the last possible moment, I released it, letting it flutter to the ground, where I stomped out what remained with my shoe. Then I paused for a moment to consider what had just occurred.

Katie was right. I did feel better.

The first step in all 12-step programs is “letting go.” I mean, really LETTING GO. This was not natural for me. And I suspect it’s not natural for most people. When it comes to our lives, as might be expected, most of us are control freaks. We like to be in charge of all aspects. When we get up. When we go to bed. What we eat. What we drink. What we wear. What books and blogs we read. What shows and movies we watch on television.

Understandably, one of the biggest sources of friction in any marriage can occur when one partner believes the other is trying to “control” him/her. But when it comes to breaking dependence, whether it be chemical or emotional, relinquishing control over yourself and others is essential. And, as I discovered, while not easy, it’s something that can be learned over time.

While I was busy acquiring this skill, I really was living one day at a time.

I had no idea as to my end goal. No fixed objective. As you might imagine, this was uncomfortable for me. I always feared the unknown—and what could be more unknown than the future?

With no specific goal in mind, I often found it difficult to follow Katie’s guidance. It was difficult to tamp down my urge to demand a reason for every action or a clear chain of cause-and-effect for every event. Wrapping my head around surrendering to the universe was truly a challenge for me. What I eventually discovered is that working toward a singular goal can be self-defeating. Not only is there a good chance you’ll never achieve your desired outcome, but also tunnel vision can blind you to other opportunities along the way. As so many philosophers have said, it is the journey, not the goal, that is truly important.

With sustained effort, I learned to no longer obsess over what it is I believed I wanted or needed. I now viewed God or fate or kismet or whatever we choose to call life’s guiding force as something working silently behind the scenes. Tasked with ensuring what is needed to appear at just the right time, somehow things work out the way they should. (In spite of our doubts, worries and misgivings.) As for my own participation in life’s unfolding, I did my best to keep my “side of the street” clean, focusing on what I can actually control: my thinking, my behavior, my choices, and how I treat others. This epiphany was so powerful and liberating it became one of the pillars of my coaching.

With the help of Al-Anon, I learned to transform my anxiety into motivation. During the day, I threw myself into my work, determined to be the most responsible, productive professional I could be. In my role as senior talent acquisition for my company’s HR department, I learned and put into practice the coaching skills that eventually led me to the position I hold today. After hours, I relieved tension through playing the tabla , the traditional Indian drums I had acquired while married to Umesh, and also began the study of feng shui, the ancient Chinese art of optimizing the flow of life energy (qi) through spatial arrangement. At home and at work, I took care to ensure my surroundings were arranged to produce the most positive emotional response.

I also rededicated myself to a regimen of proper diet and exercise. For the first time, I hired a personal trainer who designed a workout especially for my needs and abilities, while also holding me accountable. I began researching expert information on natural health options. As the saying goes, “You are what you eat,” and my usual diet of convenient, processed foods had been doing me little good, physically, mentally, or emotionally .

Determined to transform my life from the inside out, I vowed to eat simply and naturally, incorporating more organic fruits, vegetables, and legumes into a more balanced diet. After just a week, I felt a difference in my mood and energy level. (Over the course of several years, I actually lost 30 pounds!) Also, my sleep improved. Instead of tossing, turning, and waking up a half-dozen times a night, I found I could fall asleep quickly until awakened by my alarm. Beyond just eating better, it’s amazing what a solid eight hours of sleep can do for a troubled soul.

In addition to these lifestyle changes, I revised my approach to therapy and self-help. For more than a decade, I had been in and out of professional couples and individual therapy, the only tangible result being my divorce. Of course, when I started going with Umesh, I did not think I needed any major improvements aside from finding ways to better deal with his bipolar behavior.

In the end, all my work seemed to come back to the same mantra: Stop focusing on Umesh and start focusing on yourself. Even my trip to India, as enlightening as it had been, ended with me convinced that if I just stopped seeing everything as a function of Umesh’s shortcomings, my life would improve. Soon after my divorce, I discovered how wrong I had been. My problem wasn’t just my focus on Umesh; my problem was me .

Not that I wholly blamed my prior therapists for what sounds like a misdiagnosis. The signs had been there all along; I had just failed to heed them. Looking back, one of my first therapists called me a “rescuer,” someone who finds validation in “fixing” broken people. Others had focused on my co-dependency and my skewed view of men in general as both protectors and abusers. Not that all the so-called experts got it right. One told me I didn’t know how to be a “sexy girlfriend” and advised me to stop cooking for my husband—and any subsequent boyfriends—as this put me in the role of mother rather than sexual partner. Looking back, I have to laugh at how seriously I once took these therapists’ diagnoses and advice.

I also discovered having a support group to be essential for personal healing. As much as Americans like to talk about the virtues of “rugged individualism,” the fact is, each one of us is stronger together . Sociologists have long spoken about what’s called “the wisdom of the crowd,” how large groups of people tend to possess information that is both broader, deeper, and more accurate than even the most educated individual can muster.

Examples from popular culture and academia reflect this same truth. Researchers studying the results on the TV game show, Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? discovered stumped contestants who chose the “Ask the Audience” lifeline rather than the “Phone a Friend” option received a significantly higher percentage of correct answers, even when the designated friend was highly educated and/or an expert in a particular field. That no one is completely alone in their personal struggles, that we all depend on one another, is one of the key insights I gained during this difficult period. It was the ah-ha moment I experienced in my immediate post-divorce experience.

As strange as this may sound, I am grateful for the pain Umesh put me through. (Umesh has said the same about me !) Diamonds are formed when ordinary carbon is put under immense heat and pressure, and plant and animal species evolve when pressured to do so. Likewise, I could not have developed so much emotionally without experiencing the anguish of learning what does not serve me. Consciously or unconsciously, the love of my life served as the catalyst for my journey of self-discovery.

Maybe you have heard stories about people who went on to become doctors or medical researchers due to being sick as children or losing a loved one to disease at an early age. Perhaps you have read about individuals who signed up to be police officers or state prosecutors after losing a family member to crime. It turns out, trauma, and the desire to prevent others from suffering a similar fate, is a great motivator when it comes to choosing a vocation.

As for me, the pain from my divorce caused me to contemplate a more satisfying, and, hopefully, impactful career than corporate HR. In this regard, I had an enormous amount of reference material. There was my experience with multiple therapists over a period of 15 years, the success I enjoyed with Al-Anon, and the invaluable guidance of my sponsor, Katie. Add to this the many self-help books I devoured, insights from well-known thinkers on self-development, such as Tony Robbins, and, of course, the wisdom of my always-supportive mother.

My formal education proved to be a solid foundation upon which I could build my new life. It’s often said the most important thing you can acquire from traditional schooling is simply learning how to learn . Certainly, my education—particularly the degree I earned from USC—proved this. When you go to college, it’s not necessarily the degree you receive in itself that’s important, but rather the discipline and mental acuity you develop that stays with you into adulthood.

The structure and time allocated toward a degree of any stature is, in the end, more important than the supplemental certifications and training we receive along the way. In school, as in life, success is about mindset and how badly you want something. I longed to launch this new stage of my life just as intensely or more than I had wanted to earn my degree from ’SC. Now it was up to me to make it happen.

All of the puzzle pieces came together one afternoon in the fall of 2016. I was at home watching an interview with Tony Robbins. Everything he talked about, from raising one’s standards, to changing one’s mindset, completely resonated with me. The more he talked, the more I wanted to learn. So I went online, found his website and a page describing his life coach training programs and online content. Although intrigued, I didn’t know enough about the program or its record of success to investigate much further. A few months later, however, on Thanksgiving Day, I received an email offering me one of Robbins’ training programs. I applied immediately. I knew in my soul this was the path I was destined to take.

The quest for self-improvement played a big role in my decision to embark on this new career path. My divorce had left me realizing I desperately needed emotional and spiritual independence. I also required regular personal inventories to benchmark my progress and determine where I needed attention. As they teach us in Al-Anon, growth and developments are tasks we can never truly complete, but still, I knew intuitively it was time to go deeper, to find myself in ways I had never before.

Was I reticent? Reluctant? Skeptical? Not at all! In fact, I was more confident about this decision than I had been about any other in my entire life. The path ahead appeared clear and well-lit and I couldn't wait to get started.

Robbins’ online life coach training program, accomplished through the Robbins-Madanes institute, took nine months to complete. How appropriate. This is about the same amount of time it takes to carry a baby to term. The program was as life changing as advertised...and more. As I’ve said, I had been acting as a coach in my corporate HR role, but this life-changing curriculum took me way beyond anything I had done before. The more I delved into the material, the more I felt like this was something I wanted to do with my life. No, this was something I had to do. Life coaching not only promised me direction, it promised purpose , something I desperately needed.

Still, even after completing Robbins’ course and receiving my certificate, I didn’t feel confident enough to formally hang out my professional shingle. I needed to prove to myself, if to no one else, that I could really offer something of value. So I contacted nearly a dozen people I knew from my network and offered to counsel them for free. This would be my internship . If it worked, I would provide them a valuable service. And if it didn’t, well, I would not have robbed them of their hard-earned money. This “beta testing phase” was not without its challenges, but each proved to be a valuable learning experience. After carefully working with my volunteers for several months and recording the results, I felt confident enough to schedule my grand opening.

No fly-by-night, seat-of-the-pants operation, my practice was a legitimate business complete with a California state-issued business license, DBA, and business checking account. I created a business plan, set aside a budget, and designed a branding and marketing campaign to attract clients. This included traditional advertising as well as producing bite-size life coaching episodes for YouTube, called The MAK Show. And, of course, there was the most powerful tool of all: word-of-mouth marketing through my personal network.

My strategy relied on the marketing principles I had learned earning my business degree at USC, along with creating new branding strategies I believed would set me apart from my competition. Focused on offering something different, I tried to focus on traditionally underserved segments I felt could use support and help. For example, I founded a men’s group targeting South Asian men.

Why this group? For one, being South Asian myself, I felt I could offer a strong emotional connection that people from other ethnic backgrounds might not. Next, because of my background, I knew too well how our culture grooms men to behave a certain way, express themselves in a certain way, and even feel a certain way. I also know how harshly judged men from this culture can be for stepping beyond strictly proscribed boundaries. Beyond personal experience, my research suggested these individuals have an especially hard time asking for help. As a result, having a trusting support system that can accept them unconditionally would prove to be key.

As my life coaching practice grew, the principles I was using to address my clients’ challenges began to coalesce into a formalized system that I ultimately decided to call BRAVE. There are several aspects of BRAVE I believe set it apart from virtually every other self-improvement program I have encountered. First, it’s simple. BRAVE consists of just five elements: Beliefs>>>Benevoliefs , Readiness, Alignment, Vision, and Engagement. In life, simplicity is power. Think: The Golden Rule. The 10 Commandments. Buddhism’s Four Nobel Truths. Instead of offering a daunting or complicated system, it provides something accessible.

Next, BRAVE is easy to remember. A mnemonic device, its very name helps users quickly recall the elements. If my experience as a life coach has taught me anything, it’s that bravery is more easily acquired when its elements can be quickly and easily recalled when needed. Finally, the system actually works! The BRAVE approach has helped my clients overcome emotional barriers, conquer age-old fears, and find the success and happiness they seek. Once I had the BRAVE system perfected, tested, and verified, my next step was to formalize it in the form of a book. This book . Why write a book? It occurred to me from the start that as an individual practitioner, I would be limited to counseling a finite number of people. There are only so many hours in a day, so many days in a year, and so many years in a working lifetime. Also, by necessity, my practice was limited to Southern California, Orange County in particular.

Life coaching being what it is, I wondered if my influence and impact could extend beyond this limited geographic area. After all, I do not have the extraordinarily extroverted personality of a Tony Robbins, or the extensive medical background of Deepak Chopra. Further, I am not sure I can imagine building the kind of nationwide marketing network both of these individuals have created. (At least not yet …)

The more I considered it, the more a book made sense. Writing one would push me out of my comfort zone, yet it was still something I could create with sufficient focus and effort. Writing a book—putting my ideas to paper, or more accurately, typing them—would help crystallize the concepts I had spent years devising. Finally, a book would be something that could impact hundreds, if not thousands of people. The more I thought about it, the more it became clear that this could be an effective vessel for transforming the lives of others. In short, a book was the ideal way to help more people get better. To make them BRAVE.

Now that you know a little bit more about how I mindshifted my own thinking to start what I view as my life’s work, let’s turn our focus to one of my clients who transcended her own challenges by going inward. Instead of trying to fix the world, together we worked on trying to fix her from the inside out.

Shanti is a 37-year-old Indian-American female. From an early age, she felt confused and fearful of what appeared to be a hostile world. However, due to our work together, she found her own bravery, allowing her to transcend a lifetime of depression and self-doubt, leading to self-actualization.

Like mine, Shanti’s challenges began in childhood. Since she was young, she had suffered from clinical depression, social anxiety, and immense loneliness. This led her to practice various forms of self-harm, including cutting and promiscuity, as well to regularly entertain suicidal thoughts. Although she was an excellent student, her feelings of failure and rejection forced her to drop out of graduate school during her doctoral program.

The relatively faceless university environment in which Shanti found herself led to a loss of personal identity. Though she successfully earned her undergraduate degree, she developed intense anxiety about graduate school, experiencing an overwhelming fear of failure for the first time in her life. She also felt painfully alone.

Shanti's depression led to stress-eating, causing her to gain 70 pounds in one year. The combined weight gain and anxiety created a vicious circle of more self-loathing, more stress-eating, and more self-loathing. Worse, this resulted in her beginning to actively engage in self-harming behaviors.

While in the midst of her graduate studies, Shanti began to feel her life had become unmanageable. Unable to process her emotions, she dropped out of school. Intellectually, she knew this was a mistake, but could not find the courage to make herself return. Aware she could not find relief on her own, she turned to several sources for help, including me .

Shanti believed she was not a worthy person and would fail as a student (both in school and life).

We replaced this with a new benevolief : Shanti is a lifelong learner who will experience a long, fulfilling and successful life.

Together, Shanti and I developed the habit of feeling and expressing gratitude, especially around her father, who had always supported her steadfastly. She is currently planning to write a book about her experience and plans to emphasize the gratitude she feels for those who stood by her during her emotional travails.

Together, we developed several personal affirmation statements to reinforce her new, positive thinking. This included the affirmation: “I have a beautiful spirit and I will work to showcase it on the outside in a healthy image.”

We then translated these affirmations into action steps to better her life. Improving her physical health was a top priority. To do this, we adjusted her diet to include more nutritious foods, while also designing an easy-to-follow daily exercise regimen. To help her overcome her fear of higher education, I encouraged her to pursue her interest in art; not as an academic pursuit, but as a hobby. Once she realized she could find pleasure in such activities, her resistance to engaging in more formal, academic studies would likely diminish .

Talk therapy has been proven to be even more effective than pharmaceuticals when it comes to dealing with depression. I therefore suggested Shanti meet with me several times per week. During these sessions, she was free to express and explore her feelings without fear of judgment.

We identified other tools Shanti could use to improve her mood and attitude, including daily exercise, and modified her schedule to prioritize rest and sleep, healthy food options, and other beneficial activities, such as reading.

Finally, we developed strategies she could use to make her interactions with family members less stressful. These included staging family meetings in which she would appear as her true herself.

After employing the BRAVE method for several months, Shanti reported strong positive results. For one, she recounted an increased sense of personal authenticity. She believed she had a better idea of who she really was and could now face life on her own terms. This, in turn, gave her a stronger sense of safety and security. She no longer felt threatened by the world and did not fear the judgment of others, especially her parents. As her sense of personal power increased, her incidents of self-harm diminished before finally stopping entirely.

I am happy to report she was able to return to grad school, free from the debilitating fears that had caused her to abandon her education earlier. Today, Shanti is happily married and the mother of two children. She is able to manage her emotional states and no longer fears the future. She completed her post-graduate studies and now holds a Ph.D. in education and runs a consulting firm in Los Angeles.

My work with Shanti taught me that many troubled people just need someone to talk to. They need empathy from a trusted confidant, someone who can listen without judging. I was also reminded recovery is an ongoing process that often occurs in fits and starts. There will always be stumbling blocks and setbacks, yes.

But setbacks are not failures, and we must learn to face adversity with a positive, can-do attitude, despite fears and self-doubts. After all, an unwavering belief in success can often become a self-fulfilling prophesy. It is often said the teacher learns most from his/her students and I am no exception. I took many of the lessons Shanti used to improve her life to manage my own uncertainties.

“If you confirm your FEARS, self-reliance can be a confirmed belief in yourself.”

Have you had to deal with mental illness in your life —perhaps your own or someone close to you? What did this experience take from you? What did it add?

Affirmation: “Our mind is our guide, but we can influence it with our heart .”

It can be difficult to understand and accept a loved one’s addiction, depression, or mental illness. This often leads to intense feelings of guilt. Even among family members where bonds are strong, addiction can lead us to suffer feelings of shame, disbelief, and confusion. In such circumstances, it is important we don’t get trapped in a relationship of codependency. When dealing with an addict, one may feel compelled to take over and assume responsibility for the addict’s behavior in the mistaken belief the addict is no longer—or at least temporarily—incapable of handling his/her own affairs. Instead, it is far better to do the following: