THE GREATEST BENEFITS of attachment parenting come from practicing all of the Baby B’s together—using a principle called synergy. For example, babywearing makes breastfeeding work better because proximity fosters frequent feeding, and bedding close to baby also makes breastfeeding easier and facilitates bonding and sensitivity to baby’s cries. Because of the behavioral effects of lactation hormones, a breastfeeding mother is often more sensitive to her infant’s cries. And the more you practice the first six Baby B’s, the more you will be wary of baby trainers. If you feel a bit shaky about the first Baby B—feeling bonded to your baby—intensify the others. They will all help you deepen your relationship with your baby, eliciting the feelings that make mothering so rewarding. While your life circumstances may affect how much you can practice the Baby B’s, use as many as you can whenever you can. Once you’re convinced of the short- and long-term benefits of attachment parenting, you will find a way to do it. As you learn more about attachment parenting, and as you practice it, you will be amazed to discover what’s in it for baby, for parents, and for family.
AP is not only common sense, it’s supported by science. Everything scientists know about the way babies learn supports the idea that babies raised in a high-touch, responsive environment turn out smarter. How does this happen? Let’s take a look at brain biology, the caretaking environment, and a baby’s own viewpoint to see what it is about attachment parenting that boosts a baby’s intellectual development.
Better brains. Babies at birth have in their brains miles and miles of tangled “wires” called neurons. Neurons are the cells that conduct thoughts through the brain. Many of the neurons in the infant brain, however, are unconnected, or disorganized, at birth. As baby grows, the brain grows, too. It doubles in size and reaches 60 percent of its adult volume by the end of the first year. As the brain grows, the neurons grow, too, and make connections with one other. These connections are the way baby gets organized and learns, storing patterns and memories in circuits of neurons. How well these neurons hook up and how many connections baby makes are directly related to baby’s interaction with his environment.
MORE TOUCH, LESS STUFF
As we browse through infant-product stores, we wonder how on earth we raised eight kids without all this stuff: plastic infant seats, infant monitors, mechanical swings, oscillating baby beds, and all the high-tech equipment that promises (for a high price) to make babies more convenient to care for—at a distance.
From the moment you announce that you’re pregnant, you’re bombarded with advice about everything you’ll need to raise a happy and very smart baby Books, classes, and educational toys all hold out the promise of adding a few points to your child’s SAT scores seventeen years hence, with Ivy League colleges to follow. The baby market is a big one, and parents who want the very best for their new child are all too ready to open the checkbook or hand over the credit card.
Here’s our advice on baby equipment, infant-stimulation materials, and all the other gadgets that line the aisles of stores all over America: Choose “high touch” over “high tech.” The absolute best plaything for a baby is another human being. Invest in a baby sling—or even two slings: one for Mom and one for Dad, or one to keep in the house and one to keep in the car. (Remember, though, not to use the sling in the car; baby must be in a car seat in the car at all times.) Then let your baby’s enriched environment be the view from your arms, which is constantly changing. Relationships, not things, make brighter babies.
After rehearsing hundreds of cue-response interactions during the early months (I’m hungry, I get fed; I’m frightened, I get held), the infant stores mental pictures of these scenes. Eventually baby has built up a cerebral library of attachment scenes that form the beginning of a sense of self and of what the caregiving world is all about. This library of patterns of association helps the infant anticipate the response to a need, such as getting picked up if he cries. Being able to replay an expected attachment scene and have the expectation fulfilled appropriately by a sensitive caregiver reinforces a sense of well-being that will forever influence future relationships: the ability to trust.
Babies raised with limited amounts of interaction—which usually means limited contact with loving, caring adults—don’t have the same opportunities as infants who are involved in the world of sensitive caregivers to develop connections in their brain. Brain researchers believe that more and better connections make a child smarter in the long run. Attachment parenting promotes brain development by feeding the brain the right kind of stimulation at a time in the child’s life when the brain needs it the most.
Patterns of association.
An enriched caregiving environment. Research into infant development has identified the following four elements in the baby’s caregiving environment that most enhance development:
A quiet alertness. How does the world look from baby’s perspective? To get behind baby’s inquisitive eyes, remember that babies learn best when they are in the state of quiet alertness. The tools of attachment parenting help baby spend more time in this state. When his cries get a prompt response, and when he gets to spend lots of time in Mom’s and Dad’s arms, baby is calm and more open to learning. Not only are babies more attentive when they are in the quiet alert state, they are able to hold the attention of their caregivers longer and thus learn more from them.
ATTACHMENT TIP
Attachment parenting helps the developing brain make the right connections.
SCIENCE SAYS:
AP babies are likely to become smarter.
Once upon a time, parents worried and baby trainers taught that the more you held, or “spoiled,” a baby, the less competent the baby might be in his motor skills. Studies by Dr. Sylvia Bell and Dr. Mary Ainsworth at Johns Hopkins University spoiled the spoiling theory. Their studies showed that infants who were securely attached to their mothers and whose mothers gave appropriate responses to their needs (for example, knowing when to pick up a baby and when to put him down) showed more advanced intellectual and motor development. The studies also showed that “playpen babies” tended to be slower in their intellectual and motor development. They found that the maternal interactions that seemed to affect intellectual and motor development most positively were the sensitivity of the mother’s response, the frequency of physical and verbal interactions (this is where babywearing and breastfeeding shine), and the amount of floor freedom (the baby’s opportunity to explore his environment with mother acting as a facilitator). The researchers concluded that a harmonious mother-infant attachment correlated with an infant’s IQ. They concluded that the nurturing of the parents had a greater impact on their infant’s IQ than the education of the parents did. They went on to conclude—as have other researchers after them—that maternal sensitivity to the cues of her infant is the prime influencer of an infant’s physical and intellectual development.
When baby is worn in a sling, in touch and in motion with his mother, he is intimately involved in her world. At night, in bed with Mom and Dad, baby notices the back-and-forth of sleepy voices in conversation as he himself drifts off to sleep. At the store or at a party, baby studies the faces of strangers and waits to see a smile that looks something like Mom’s. Because his own mom or dad is right there, baby feels secure—still quietly alert—even in new places.
Parents as baby’s first teachers. You don’t have to be rich or highly intelligent to give your infant an enriched environment. You just have to be there and care. Infant intellectual development doesn’t depend on superbaby classes, educational toys, or listening to Mozart. More than anything else, infants need loving, responsive human beings around them in order to develop to their fullest potential. In the keynote address at the 1986 annual meeting of the American Academy of Pediatrics, infant-development specialist Dr. Michael Lewis, in response to the overselling of the superbaby phenomenon that emphasized the use of programs and kits rather than the presence of caregivers who were playful companions and sensitive nurturers, reviewed studies of the factors that enhance infant development. He summed up his presentation with this statement: “The single most important influence on a child’s intellectual development is the responsiveness of the mother to the cues of her baby.”
During my thirty years as a pediatrician, I have noticed that attachment-parented babies are generally the healthiest babies. Studies back me up on this observation. These babies have fewer sick visits to the doctor, and when they do get sick, they generally get better faster. They are less likely to end up in the hospital with a serious illness, and they have fewer problems with most childhood diseases. AP babies are healthier for several reasons:
SCIENCE SAYS:
AP babies show enhanced motor development.
Parents may wonder whether carrying their baby so much might delay baby’s desire to crawl. Don’t worry! Both experience and research show that attachment-parented infants actually show enhanced motor development.
In 1958, Dr. Marcelle Geber studied 308 infants in Uganda who were reared by the attachment style of parenting, as was typical for that culture (babies were worn most of the day in a sling, breastfed very often throughout the day and night, and they slept next to mother). She compared the psychomotor development of the AP-reared infants with European infants who were reared in the more distant, scheduled style of parenting prevalent at the time (babies were bottle-fed on schedule, slept separately in a crib, were not worn in a sling, and were trained in the cry-it-out method). Compared with the European infants, the AP-raised Ugandan infants showed precocious motor and intellectual development throughout the first year. This gives scientific credibility to dispelling the myth that if you carry a baby all the time, you might delay her motor growth.
APPROPRIATELY PROTECTIVE
AP mothers tend to be very selective about substitute caregivers for their children and are careful about exposing their children to runny-nosed playmates. Their children are also less likely to get hurt, because their mothers and caregivers are so aware of what their child is doing from moment to moment. Because they also know what their child is capable of doing, they can also identify dangers in their child’s environment, such as climbable furniture that is placed next to an unsecured window.
As a single mom, when I returned to work, I took great care in screening day-care providers for my child. My antennae were up as I made my rounds from one day-care home to another, and I noticed all kinds of things, from the diaper-changing facilities to how healthy and happy the other kids seemed. I really grilled the day-care providers on their sick-child admission policies.
ATTACHMENT TIP
Attachment parenting = nature’s earliest immunization.
One day I was sharing with some pediatricians my observation that attachment-parented infants are healthier. I quipped, “If all babies were attachment-parented, half of us could go fishing.”
AP moms are partners in health. Attachment parenting also makes baby’s primary health-care provider—Mom—more observant and better able to work with the medical professionals who care for her baby. Pediatrics calls for a partnership between parents and doctor. The parents’ job is to be keen observers and accurate reporters. The pediatrician uses this information to diagnose and treat the baby.
AP moms perceive illness sooner. An attached mother has knowledge about her baby that can’t be matched by any diagnostic tests. Sick infants usually change emotionally before they change physically. Because the mother knows her infant so well, she promptly notices any changes in behavior that indicate baby is ill. Baby’s body language tells her about tummy aches and gastrointestinal upsets. Baby’s mood, or just the look in his eye, tells her when he’s getting a cold, and because she holds her baby a lot she is quick to detect a fever. She can bring these symptoms to the doctor’s attention sooner—before a minor illness has a chance to become worse. Mother may not know what is wrong with her baby (that’s the doctor’s job), but she definitely knows when something is wrong.
SCIENCE SAYS:
AP parents use medical care more wisely.
A study published in Pediatrics in 1989 showed that attachment parents tended to use medical care more wisely during their baby’s first year than non-AP parents. Researchers showed that securely attached infants had one-half the number of visits to the emergency room or doctor’s office. The researchers discovered that parent-infant pairs with a lesser quality of attachment had a higher frequency of unscheduled acute-care visits. The conclusions of this study were that less attached parents were less able to appropriately read the health and sickness indicators of their children.
I can tell she is getting another ear infection by the different way she sucks at the breast.
It is colic or something else? When a young baby cries a lot, parents may be told that it is “just colic,” and that baby will grow out of it. Attached mothers, because they are so in tune with their babies, become extremely perceptive about crying, and they may not buy the colic diagnosis. I frequently see parents in my office for a second opinion about a colicky baby. Mothers will often say, “I know there’s something wrong. I can tell that he’s hurting. This is not his normal cry.” Because I so highly value an AP mother’s intuition, I investigate thoroughly when Mom thinks something might be hurting her baby. For example, when investigating “colicky” babies (we prefer the term hurting babies), often we find out that these infants have a medical reason for hurting, such as gastroesophageal reflux or a milk allergy. Mom was right!
Older children are partners in health. I find that a parent’s sensitivity to how a child is feeling carries over into the child’s own awareness of her body and her health. Attachment-parented children not only seem to be more in tune with their bodies but are also quicker to communicate changes to their parents. Because parents and child trust one another, it’s easier to talk about stomachaches and sore throats, about whether they are serious and what to do about them.
My eight-year-old AP child, who turned out to have a serious intestinal disorder, said to me, “Mommy, I’m going to tell you my darkest secret. I’ve been having tummy aches.”
Here’s a piece of doctorly and fatherly advice I gave my sons Dr. Jim and Dr. Bob as they joined the Sears Family Pediatric Practice: “Spend the early months teaching new parents attachment tools. Then sit back and listen to what they have to teach you.”
Not only are AP babies smarter and healthier, they thrive, which means more than just getting taller and heavier. It means growing optimally to a child’s fullest potential intellectually, emotionally, and physically. AP children can do that because they don’t have to waste energy putting on a big show to get what they need. A baby uses up a lot fewer calories if he can get Mom’s attention with a look or a nuzzle rather than having to cry for five minutes at full blast. He can use those calories to grow and develop instead.
THE BODY CHEMISTRY OF ATTACHMENT
Hormones affect the physiology and the behavior of both baby and mother, particularly during breastfeeding. When mothers and babies stay in close contact, they are rewarded not just with pleasant emotions but with pleasant feelings from their bodies. Frequent doses of AP act like biological booster shots to keep you in tune with your baby. Believe in your biology. It will work for you.
Babies also respond physiologically when they are securely attached. One example of this involves the hormone cortisol. Produced by the adrenal glands, cortisol has a number of different jobs, including helping a person respond to stressful, even life-threatening situations. For the body to function optimally, it must have the right amount of cortisol—too little and the body shuts down; too much and it becomes distressed. Studies have shown that a secure mother-infant attachment keeps the baby in hormonal balance. Incecurely attached infants may either get used to a low cortisol level, and so become apathetic, or constantly have high levels of stress hormones and become chronically anxious.
Human infants who are deprived of sufficient attachment just do not grow well. They seem sad or even detached. It’s as if they’ve lost their joy of living. Through the years, I have noticed that AP babies look and feel different. While it’s difficult to describe, they actually appear to feel connected. These babies seek eye contact, are trusting, and like to be held close. They have a firm feel to their flesh, and their eyes are bright and eager. Simply put, a baby who feels right grows right. Consider attachment parenting to be a thriving tonic for your baby.
It’s hard being a baby. Going from the quiet, contained atmosphere of the womb into the bright, busy, intensely exciting world outside is quite a challenge, especially when your brain doesn’t yet have the wiring to understand concepts like time or even what it means to be a separate person. In the early weeks, babies spend a lot of energy dealing with the basic problem of adjusting to life outside the womb. During this time, mothers and fathers must help them regulate their behavior. When baby signals hunger, Mother needs to step in and say, “Let’s nurse.” Baby’s tummy gets filled, and he thinks, “Ah, that scary feeling is gone. And nursing made it go away.” Baby wakes up alone in his crib, and as he stretches his arms and legs out into space, he feels fear. Dad comes in and picks him up, containing baby’s tiny body in his strong hands. Baby thinks, “Yes, Dad will take care of me. I’m safe.”
AP BUILDS LITTLE CONSCIENCES
It’s not that attached kids are never naughty and always nice, but they are more likely to try to do right than wrong. They’re not constantly angry, and they’re not locked in power struggles with their parents, so they don’t have to do wrong to get attention. Because attachment-parented children have been treated fairly, they tend to have an inner sense of fairness. When they do something wrong, they want to make it right again and are willing to follow advice from adults they trust, most often their parents.
I was baby-sitting a friend’s son who was used to hitting as a technique for problem solving. My AP daughter, Madison, came and told me that he had hit her. She told the boy that in our house we don’t hit, we talk about what makes us angry. Madison is three years old.
SCIENCE SAYS:
AP infants thrive.
Experiments on both human infants and infant experimental animals showed these fascinating results:
Researchers all come to the same conclusion: Mother acts as a regulator of her infant’s disorganized physiology.
When parents wear their baby around the house or pat his back to calm him down when he fusses, he can feel calm and not waste his energy worrying. Staying “in the groove” is a way of describing what we mean when we talk about babies becoming organized. The more time baby spends in the groove, the more he learns to create this state for himself. He can stay in the “feel-good groove” longer, then move into the “nursing groove” more easily when he is hungry. With Mom sleeping next to him, he can stay in the “sound-asleep groove” through much of the night and slide right back into it after waking to nurse. With all these prompts from Mom and Dad, AP babies get organized more efficiently. This makes them better-behaved babies, babies who are a lot more pleasant to be around.
Better-behaved babies make better-behaved children. You probably never thought of the Baby B’s as discipline tools, but they actually are. Babywearing, breastfeeding on cue, bedding close to your baby, and believing in her cries are powerful ways of shaping your baby’s behavior, now and in the future.
AP CHILDREN BECOME “RESPONSEABLE”
Naturally all parents want their children to grow up taking responsibility for their actions, and when they are adults, they want them to make responsible contributions to their families and society. Being responsible has its roots in responsiveness. When parents are appropriately responsive to the cues of their children, their children grow up with the ability to respond to the needs of others. They become responseable adults.
Since I attachment-parented my child for the first few years, I now feel I have more margin for error. Because I gave her such a secure foundation, I don’t worry so much when I mess up, because I know it’s unlikely to undo what I have done.
Discipline may be far from your thoughts when you bring your new baby home from the hospital. It may be a topic you dread having to confront, as you wonder what kind of a disciplinarian you will be. Or you may already have some ideas about discipline, the kind that start with “I will never allow my child to talk back to me.”
Here’s the good news about discipline: It is not something you do to a child; it is something you do with a child and it starts in babyhood. Attachment parenting creates a solid foundation for guiding your child in the years to come by giving you the best starter tools for discipline. Here’s how:
1. AP helps you get to know your child. To be a wise disciplinarian, you have to know your child well. This is true no matter what you believe about good discipline. As we often tell new parents, “You don’t have to be an expert in parenting or in discipline methods, but you must become an expert in your baby. Nobody else will.” When you know your child well, you understand how things look to your child, and with this knowledge you can shape your child’s behavior appropriately. For example, our sixth child, Matthew, was a very focused toddler who would become completely engrossed in his play Because Martha knew this about him, she knew that she couldn’t simply scoop him up and carry him away when it was time to stop playing. It was hard for him to let go of his activity and tune in to Mom’s agenda. So as a sensitive disciplinarian, Martha developed a routine for leaving playtime behind. A few minutes before it was time to go, she got down to his level and helped him sign off: “Say bye-bye to the trucks, bye-bye to the cars, bye-bye to the boys, bye-bye to the girls,” and so on. This helped him close out one activity (even a preferred one) and be ready to transition to the next without protest.
ATTACHMENT TIP
The R & R of Discipline
For AP parents and their children, discipline is based more on their relationship than on a set of rules.
Knowing my child empowers me. This “kid knowledge” becomes like a sixth sense, enabling me to anticipate and control situations to keep my child out of trouble. I know Lea so deeply at every stage of development. Attachment parenting allows me to put myself in her shoes. I imagine how she needs me to act.
ATTACHMENT TIP
Discipline is more about having the right relationship with your child than about having the right techniques.
2. AP helps you get behind the eyes of your child. Understanding your child’s perspective will help you react appropriately and guide her behavior. On one occasion, our two-year-old, Lauren, impulsively grabbed a carton of milk out of the refrigerator and dropped it on the floor. She burst into howls, and Martha came running. She looked at the situation, and instead of scolding or being angry about the mess, she talked to Lauren calmly and sensitively about what had happened. Later, when I asked her how she managed to handle things so calmly, Martha said, “I asked myself, if I were Lauren, how would I want my mother to respond?”
3. AP promotes trust. If you want someone to follow your directions, you must first earn his or her trust. Trust develops when you meet your child’s needs. A child who trusts Mom or Dad to give food and comfort when needed will also trust Mom or Dad when they say, “Don’t touch!” or even “Time to pick up your toys and get ready for bed.” Authority is vital to discipline, and authority must be based on trust. If an infant can trust his mother to feed him when he’s hungry, he will be more likely as a toddler to listen to her for what to do when, for example, he encounters breakable objects on Grandma’s coffee table.
4. AP builds better-behaved brains. Children who don’t receive responsive parenting are, we believe, at an increased risk for developing behavioral problems later on, such as hyperactivity, distractibility, and impulsivity These are the behavioral characteristics that define attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), a condition diagnosed with increasing frequency in children and now also in adults. AP children in general seem to be more focused than others. Could the level of nurturing during those formative years affect the way the behavioral pathways in the brain become organized? Could it be that some behavioral problems that develop later in childhood are actually preventable results of early disorganization? While certainly autism and attention deficit disorder (ADD) are not caused by low-touch parenting (there are biological differences in these children), we have noticed that in children who already have a tendency toward these problems, attachment parenting can lessen their severity and increase the parents’ ability to cope and help.
5. AP encourages obedience.To obey means to listen attentively. Attachment parenting, besides opening up parents to the needs of their baby, opens the baby up to the wishes of the parent. Attached children want to please their parents. They want to mind their mothers. What does it mean to mind?'When a parent and a child are closely attached, they frequently find themselves of one mind. This can make it easier for a child to obey. Because your child knows that you can see the world from his perspective, he is more open to accepting your view. He trusts you, so he more easily accepts the boundaries you set. Even strong-willed children can be pulled into following Mom’s or Dad’s direction when the relationship is strong enough.
All I have to do is look at him disapprovingly, and he stops misbehaving.
6. AP helps you discipline the difficult child. Attachment parenting is especially rewarding when you have a child who challenges your parenting skills at every turn. We call kids with these kinds of personalities high-need children. They seem to need more of everything: more interaction with parents, more frequent feeding as infants, more time in the baby sling, more guidance in play—more of everything but sleep. Sometimes parents don’t realize until their child is three or four years of age that they have a child who needs a special kind of discipline (for example, a hyperactive child, a developmentally delayed child, or a temperamentally difficult child). Parents who have worked hard from the beginning to build their attachment to their child find it easier to weather the challenges of having such a child.
The stronger my child’s will, the stronger must be my connection.
Connected parents know their child well and are sensitive to their child’s personality. Children who feel connected trust their parents to help them control themselves. Studies that have looked at the long-term effects of early parenting styles have found a correlation between attachment parenting in infancy and adaptability later in childhood. A child who is more adaptable can be redirected more easily. Parents may have to keep a close eye on this child, but the child will accept suggestions and correction from the parents. This keeps behavioral problems from escalating into behavioral battles.
RAISING AN INTERDEPENDENT CHILD
If you’re like most parents, you want your child to become independent. Historians and social critics say that America’s frontier past created a nation that values independence and individuality above all. However, becoming too independent too soon is not good for your child. We take issue with the concept of independence as a quality to shoot for, either for a child or for an adult. Think about it. Emotionally healthy people are never completely independent. We all need people and relationships to complete ourselves. Consider the following stages:
As you parent your child, you help him move through these stages gradually on his way to becoming emotionally mature. You want your child to be comfortable being alone and being with other people. Interdependence teaches a child to be both a leader and a follower. The independent individualist may be so tied up in himself that he misses what the crowd has to offer. The dependent child is so busy following the crowd that he never gets a chance to know his own mind.
AP CHILDREN ARE “FULL”
Going through my gallery of AP testimonials, I have noticed a recurrent theme: AP children seem filled with the inner tools that will help them succeed in life. When asked about the payoff, AP parents often volunteer that their children seem care-full, resource-full, respect-full, and thought-full.
As the word no enters her world, simply changing our tone of voice or giving her a certain look is usually all that it takes to get our message across, because she trusts us and wants to please us.
♦ ♦ ♦
Nancy, the mother of a high-need baby who is now a strong-willed four-year-old, volunteered, “Initially attachment parenting took more energy and was less convenient. Now caring for Jonathan is easier because discipline flows naturally between us. I’m finally beginning to cash in on my investment.”
Attachment-parented kids are comfortable around people because they are comfortable with themselves. They are interested in others and know how to connect appropriately with family members, old friends, and new acquaintances. This ability to engage others may be as simple as knowing how to maintain eye contact. Their gaze is attentive but not intrusive. They have a deep understanding of relationships that stems from their own close relationship with their parents. This ability to be intimate, or emotionally comfortable, with others serves these children well throughout their lives.
THE LONG TERM
Parents, especially mothers, whom we have interviewed express a common feeling about their own involvement in attachment parenting: “I feel emotionally invested in my child.” In the short term, they have caring and empathic children who are a joy to be around. In the long term, they are instilling in their children the capacity for forming healthy attachments during childhood and adulthood.
When you attachment-parent your children early, they won’t spend their whole lives trying to catch up, and neither will you. Your children, now and in the future, will find comfort in feeling close to other people. They will form appropriate attachments and have the skills that make relationships last. This kind of investment pays off not only for your children but for their friends, for the people they will one day marry, for their children, and for future generations.
Like a sunflower, he turns toward people who light up.
Psychologists and therapists we’ve known through the years have told us that many of their clients have problems with intimacy, and that much of their therapy is aimed at reparenting their clients. Kids with high-quality connections to their parents get what they need during childhood. The lessons they learn from their very first relationship will ultimately make them better friends and better spouses. Because connected kids grow up learning to bond with people rather than things, they carry this skill into adulthood. Many a night I watched our two-year-old Lauren inch over and snuggle next to Martha in bed. Even at this young age Lauren was learning a life-long asset: the capacity for intimacy.
When going from oneness to separateness (a process called individuation or hatching), the securely attached toddler establishes a balance between his desire to explore and encounter new situations and his continued need for the safety and contentment provided by Mother. During an unfamiliar play situation, the mother gives a sort of “go ahead” message, providing the toddler with the confidence to explore and handle the new situation. The next time the toddler encounters a similar situation, he has more confidence to handle it by himself or by enlisting less help from his caregivers. The consistent emotional availability of the mother provides security, which helps the child develop a very important quality: the capacity to enjoy being alone at times.
Attachment parenting teaches parents and other caregivers to become facilitators of their child’s development. Facilitators don’t tell the child what to do, they help the child learn what to do. When parents facilitate, they don’t give commands or follow their own agenda. Instead, they take their cues from their child.
The best kind of learning happens spontaneously, as a child’s interest is awakened by the world around her. Teachable moments arise throughout the day, and a parent/facilitator takes advantage of them. A child notices something new, and sensitive parents gently help the child stretch and grow. As the toddler reaches for the neighbor’s puppy, Mom holds his hand and shows him how to pet the dog gently. The preschooler’s tower tumbles over, so Dad offers an engineering tip and lets his daughter experiment some more. Attached parents know how to respond appropriately. They know when to say, “Yes, you can do it yourself!” and when to provide some help. Because the child trusts the parent, he listens.
Facilitators ease frustrations. Parent/facilitators also provide emotional refueling when learning is frustrating, while at the same time realizing that it’s important to allow children to experience some frustrations and learn how to handle them.
Facilitators promote discipline. Facilitating is also an important element in how attached parents discipline their children. They create an atmosphere in their home that makes it easier for a child to obey. Toys are stored in such a way that cleaning up is easy and fun to do. Helping Mom or Dad with chores is a fun way to learn about housework. When parents need their child’s cooperation in getting ready for an outing or for bed, they gently steer their child’s attention from his play to the next activity. They can do this effectively because they know their child so well. Ultimately, these children learn to be self-disciplined, because the rules of the parent, whom they trust, become a part of themselves.
Facilitators promote independence. Being on standby helps your child find the right level of independence. Becoming independent is a two-steps-forward, one-step-back process. When you know your toddler well, you’ll be able to anticipate in which direction you should be moving to keep in step with his progress. Learn the dance now, and it will feel familiar when you visit independence issues again in the teenage years.
In most homes, at first the facilitator is the mother, though she may work in tandem with a caregiver or her husband. As children grow, they latch on to additional facilitators: grandparents, teachers, coaches, Scout leaders, and other persons of significance. The connected child latches on to other facilitators easily because attachment parents have built into their developing child the capacity to get connected.
Learning interdependence prepares a child for life, especially for relationships at work. Management consultants teach the concept of interdependence to increase productivity. Stephen Covey, author of the bestselling Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, stresses that interdependence is characteristic of the most successful people. Even a two-year-old learns interdependence: “I can do it myself, but I can do it better with help.” This is how your child learns to become “resource-full.” So, when your child asks you to help him with a project, don’t immediately shut him down by informing him that he’ll learn more if he does it by himself. Consider that you may be raising a future executive—one who knows how to work well with people.
Attachment parenting builds kids who care. Because these children are on the receiving end of sensitive parenting, they become sensitive. Caring, giving, listening, and responding to needs are family norms, and these qualities become part of the child. One day a mother brought her newborn into my office for a checkup accompanied by her attachment-parented almost-three-year-old daughter, Tiffany. As soon as the new baby started to fuss, Tiffany pulled at her mother’s skirt and pleaded, “Mommy, baby is crying. Pick up, rock-rock, nurse!”
I often watch AP children in play groups. They are concerned about the needs and rights of their peers because this has been their model. When friends are hurting, these children, like good Samaritans, rush to help.
My five-year-old was in an AP play group at a park when she fell and cut her head. She was terribly shaken and crying. I sat her on my lap and tried to calm her. Meanwhile, her AP friends, ages three to eleven, stopped everything and gathered around her. They came close and stroked her head, held her hand, and looked upon her with faces expressing such compassion. A couple of children left the circle in order to locate ointment and bandages. Providing a striking contrast to this touching scene of compassion was the neighborhood girl who was not part of the AP group. She stood next to my daughter with a twisted look on her face. Unlike the other children, she fixated on what Jasmine was doing rather than on how she was feeling. The difference between her reaction and the extremely heartfelt responses from the other children was striking. How lucky Jasmine is to be surrounded by friends capable of such compassion.
♦ ♦ ♦
She is very compassionate, kissing everyone she thinks may have a boo-boo.
♦ ♦ ♦
My nineteen-month-old’s little friend was visiting, and they were jockeying for toys, as all toddlers do. When the other child cried after my son took her toy, he handed it back to her and gave her a kiss. If that doesn’t make a mom’s heart swell! He is so gentle-spirited around other kids.
Attachment-parented children learn empathy, so they are able to get behind the eyes of another child. They can imagine the effect of their behavior on another child—before they act. In essence, they think before they act. They also have a well-developed conscience, feeling guilty when they act badly and good when they should. Contrast these children with troubled teens, who feel no remorse for what they do. Studies have shown that these young people share one abnormal feature: a lack of empathy. They act without considering the effect of their behavior on others.
I once found my three-year-old son petting a very sick grasshopper on our patio. The insect was obviously on its way out. Sitting next to the grasshopper, Lloyd put his head down to grasshopper eyeball level and told the poor thing, “You’re okay, you’re okay,” while stroking the little body very gently. I felt proud that I had a child (especially a boy!) who cared about a sick little creature rather than chasing it or tormenting it.
♦ ♦ ♦
Our two-year-old already shows a sophisticated level of empathy and compassion toward others. He and his friend were standing on a chair together. They both fell off, and Connor landed on top of his friend. His friend began to howl, and Connor immediately began to hug him, saying, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” I’ve never seen another child of two display such concern. I believe that he is this way because he’s always been given empathy and love when he cries. His injuries, his pain, his fears are taken seriously. Because he has received such loving concern for his emotions, he is able to show that same concern toward others.
Nowadays there are computers in classrooms, in homes, and even in hands, and more and more toddlers are pointing and clicking their way into the high-tech age of instant access to entertainment and information. This is fast-tech life in the twenty-first century, and it’s unlikely to slow down. Attachment parenting adds a high-touch balance to this high-tech pace. It’s important for infants and toddlers to relate to people before machines. The AP child becomes programmed to the importance of interpersonal relationships before the high-tech toys take over.
Not only does attachment parenting increase the chances of turning out sensitive, caring, and well-disciplined children, but this style of caregiving benefits parents, too. Listen to what these AP parents have to say:
AP has completely changed my life. I’m a totally different mother—more nurturing, more patient, more focused on what really matters in life, less hurried, with a better sense of humor—and I want to help others discover this marvelous way of parenting. It has made my husband and me closer as we share in providing something special for our children. AP has also led us to adopt healthier values, a more spiritual life, and even a better diet, and it has helped us correct some of the mistakes we made with our first two children.
♦ ♦ ♦
AP has made me a more discerning person. I am much more likely to research any parenting or medical decision that I make for myself and my children because I know it can have long-term effects. It has made me a much more giving person—to my children, my husband, my family, and my friends. I evaluate the decisions that I make much more thoroughly now and try to anticipate how my actions will affect those around me. I have learned how important it is to be in tune with those around me and to work cooperatively with my family.
♦ ♦ ♦
AP is teaching me more about life and myself than I ever would have learned without it.
♦ ♦ ♦
If we make life better for our baby, we make it better for ourselves.
AP softens every member of the family. You will find yourself gradually becoming more caring and considerate to everyone around you.