Chapter three. Film School or Porno? Taint No Difference or My Dinner with Louis Su
PRODUCER: If I, Lloyd Kaufman, president of Troma Entertainment and creator of The Toxic Avenger, am the producer, I’m the all-knowing, all-powerful one. If I’m directing, it’s the guy listening to me. In any case, the producer is the one (or ones) who supervise(s) all production aspects from initial conception to final exhibition. 1 I, as producer, make some of the big artistic decisions—developing the script, choosing the actors, director, and so on. Some producers will take a stronger hand in all the artistic decisions; others will produce only what the director wants.
1Not unlike what goes on at the Manhole Club, where I am known as Roy.**FOOTNOTE GUY: I’ll go with you to the Manhole Club, if you want! I’ve been really lonely.
Synonyms: Go-To Guy, Answer Man
Example:“I heard Mel Gibson has 23 children!”
Let’s recap. In the early 1970s I made a few movies that showed some promise (well, at least Battle of Love’s Return got good reviews and Brian De Palma2 liked it). I was learning from my mistakes and still wanting much more than just a taste—I wanted to eat a bigger piece of the moviemaking pie. 3
2Brian De Palma is a major American director. He started with low-budget movies like Troma’s The Wedding Party and graduated to mainstream movies like Snake Eyes and Body Double.
I continued to further my informal Film Producer School education by taking on production roles in little known movies such as Saturday Night Fever and Rocky, supervising productions and lining up locations. Rocky, incidentally, was almost made without any Philadelphia location footage. This turned out to be rather insignificant in the end anyhow, as no one remembers the scene where Rocky runs up the steps of the Philadelphia Art Museum4 and the museum staff to this day still wonder why people run up all of their steps at high speed and then pump their fists in the air when they’ve triumphantly completed their one-man race. The producers decided to obtain this footage using nonunion crew members working under the radar in Philadelphia before principal photography began in Los Angeles. I was put in charge of this.
4Least of all the union crew members in Los Angeles who thought they were making a movie shot entirely on the West Coast and were unaware the non-union Troma team was setting up a Rocky location shoot in Philly.
In order not to draw the attention of the Philadelphia teamsters, we had to keep a low profile. So, handling these under-the-radar location logistics such as parking permits, dressing and holding rooms for the actors (instead of big trailers and honey wagons), places in stores or neighboring houses to defecate (instead of visible port-a-potties5), put me in touch with the producing nuts and bolts I needed as a foundation for my career. 6
5Again, we had to be very careful not to draw attention to the non-union production. Port-a-potties have an aroma that immediately says, “There is a movie being made here; break their non-union asses.”
6There will be more on producing on location in Chapter 7. I hope.
Who is Roger Corman?
Roger Corman is a prolific and legendary producer and director. He is the godfather—the Big Kahunah—of independent film. I was especially influenced by his excellent low-budget films based on the tales of Edgar Allan Poe and 1963’s Man with the X-Ray Eyes. It is not at all outrageous to suggest that every major actor and director in Hollywood today has gotten his start in a Roger Corman production—Martin Scorsese, Peter Bogdanovich, Jonathan Demme and Jack Nicholson, to name a few. Roger Corman may be the only person on IMDB with more producing credits than moi.
There is still room to start as a personal assistant or an intern in the mailroom at the William Morris Agency7 or as a gopher on a movie. Learn from the producer and/or learn on the set. People who work hard will rise. There are so many people who aren’t good and don’t work hard that almost anyone who does work hard will get that promotion.
We hold Roger Corman’s truths stated here as self-evident. But it is a fact too often ignored by the “quality of life” people who feel that going home to your mother’s funeral is far more important than serving pizza on the set of Tromeo & Juliet.
CUT TO:
Ho Tse Toh Tse Chinese Restaurant, somewhere deep in the heart of Chinatown, New York.
Louis Su and Lloyd Kaufman sit in a corner booth. A plate of Peking duck, a Canon VIXIA digital camera, a cheap Chinese knock-off of a BlackBerry, and a Chinese bootleg copy of Class of Nuke 'Em High DVD lay on the table between them.
LOUIS SU: Ni Hao8, my friends, Ni Hao. My name Louis Su. I famous Chinese director.
Louis Su is the legendary but unknown Chinese film producer and member of the Chinese Cultural Revolution. A forefather in the champion of student rights, in response to the Little Red Book, he produced the Blue Balls Book, which led to the 1,000 blooming flowers renaissance period of China. As Lloyd Kaufman majored in Chinese Studies at Yale University, he is an especially appropriate and logical choice to record Su Syansheng’s9 musings. Some believe the name Louis Su is a pseudonym Lloyd used to direct porno films. But that’s absurd, as Lloyd has never even seen a porno film. Louis Su is not Lloyd. He is Asian and infinitely more attractive, in a spicy hot, sweet-and-sour sort of way.
BACK TO:
Shot of Louis Su, elbows propped on table, chopsticks pointed at the camera, bowtie slightly loose.
LOUIS SU: Please forgive me, my English not so good. My good friend Lloyd ask me write chapter for his produce book. I say for sure, anything for my good friend Lloyd. 10 Plus, now he take me Chinatown for Hunan all-you-eat buffet lunch. Sorry interrupt, Lloyd, but you forget we met around same time. I was big important American pornography director and you just little piece of Yale shit hoping to grow big making turd movie in Israel. I took you under my Peking duck wing.
10Plus, I won raffle for evening with next Tromette of the Month on http://www.troma.com. Until then, I go Chinese massage parlor and work it out.
LLOYD: Heh-heh, that’s right Louis Su! Remind me again just how we, um, met?
LOUIS SU: I big famous American pornography director in 1970s, decade beautiful fashion and pinnacle of porno chic. I in same class as good dead friend Gerard Damiano, may he R.I.P. 11 now.
Louis Su erupts into a series of small but violent sneezes.
LLOYD: Louis! Louis? Are you okay?
LOUIS SU: I fine, I fine. Sum Yong Dong lodged in deep throat12 last night. Sorry. We begin again. In order for you understand me, I must speak of rise of pornography chic in 1970s. Consider grand new art form.
12INDEX GYNO: Deep Throat is a movie, bitches. A big fucking famous porno made in the 1970s when porno was en vogue, hot, and very, very risqué. It cost less than $25,000 to make, made over $50,000,000, and was busted approximately 60,000,000 times by cops raiding the theatres screening it. But if you’re reading this book, I think you might already know that.
LLOYD: Oh, really, Louis Su? I had, uh, I had no idea. I thought you were in this country on a sort of, uh, cultural exchange.
LOUIS SU: What’s matter, you now old fuck? You remember, Lloyd, when we met first time I was producing, directing, editing, lighting my own porno movie musical call The Newcomers in 1973. Heh, heh. That title still make me pudding fart. It star Harry Reams, Jamie Gillis, Georgina Spelvin, and Tina Russel.
LLOYD: My, my, Louis Su! What, what—
Intense coughing fit from Lloyd Kaufman. Waitress brings over a pot of Chinese tea and some water and pours Lloyd a cup and glass of each, respectively. Lloyd takes a big gulp and clears his throat. Louis Su exhibits zen-like patience throughout this episode.
LLOYD: Sorry, excuse me. Tell our readers, Louis, um, what made you decide to produce a porno?
LOUIS SU: Decision big, how you say? No brainer. It cost hardly any money to make and I write, produce, edit my own damn movie on 35MM film, and uh … heh-heh … also get to watch all action and learn on my feet all producing parts … and not just producing parts, but also other lovely female parts were bonus. Big. Bonus. Harry Reams had really big bonus! HAHAHAHAHA!!
LLOYD: Wow! You made a musical with naked people dancing. Naked gynos bouncing up and down!
Lloyd pulls a wad of crumpled tissues from his pocket and sets them in his lap.
LLOYD: It is sort of coming back to me now. It was very inspiring. You know, today in America, the Vivid and Wicked production companies practically have a monopoly on pornographic movies and everything is so … well, clinical—the story is reduced to videotape of people fucking and sucking. But in the 1970s, it was almost an art form, you know? Everyone in Europe and the United States, even respected directors with vision, were making pornos like Behind the Green Door, Divine Obsession, and The Devil in Miss Jones. 13 You were really able to say something with your story, go somewhere with your characters! I mean, that’s what I have heard.
13Directed by the Mitchell Brothers, Behind the Green Door (1973) told the story of Gloria Saunders, a damsel abducted to a sex theatre and forced to perform various sexual acts with multiple partners in front of a masked audience (according to Wikipedia). Containing the legendary “post-ejaculation semen flying through the air for a full seven minutes scene,”Behind the Green Door and Gerard Damiano’s The Devil in Miss Jones (1972) were among the first 35mm pornos to be reviewed by mainstream media and widely released in the United States. The Devil in Miss Jones was later remade as Forrest Gump.
LOUIS SU: Dwei, dwei, 14 it’s true, Lloyd man. Very true. ABC Channel 7 even reviewed The Newcomers when it uh, heh-heh, come out. This not happen, how you say? Nowadays. American Katie Couric won’t talk about my porno piece of art on television. She hairy cunt. 15
15EDITOR’S NOTE: Oh, Katie, this is terrible. Louis Su is not from here, so he doesn’t have good manners. Please forgive him. If you are reading this, I adore you.
LLOYD: Well, I remember you saying how much you … um, learned from the whole experience! 16 How it inspired you to produce your own epic movies in Shanghai, such as The Good Woman from Szechuan. 17 See, I went to an all-boys school and spent one year in Africa, so I was am pretty retarded about the opposite sex. I mean, I thought fellatio was a gelato flavor. Now I know it’s what you can do with farm animals. I took production jobs on blockbuster films as my training, while you, you, Louis Su, as a newcomer to the field, just immersed yourself in the world of pornography! I wish I had had the foreskin foresight to think about expanding my penis horizons by getting my own, sort of film school experience and training in working on the exciting films you got to work on! Porno can be a great film school. Sye sye, 18 Louis Su.
16INDEX GYNO: Daddy Lloyd, don’t you think it’s time you give up this façade and admit that you, in fact, are Louis Su?**EDITOR’S NOTE: Lloyd, is what Ms. Gyno says true? Because if it is, I’m not sure we can print this interview out of fairness to your readers. Also, I’m really not sure that the questionable “educational” tone of this chapter is in line with the goals of Focal Press. Let’s talk.
A loud crash emits from somewhere in the dining room behind Lloyd. He cranes his neck to follow the commotion and, much to his surprise, sees the familiar face of David Chien, aspiring young filmmaker and loyal, devoted Troma fan who occasionally assists Lloyd on projects in Los Angeles. David recognizes Lloyd and saunters over.
DAVID CHIEN: Hey, Lloyd, what’s up?
Lloyd points his video camera at David.
Camera pans to the lunch remains and place setting for one. David gives Lloyd a puzzled look but smiles back.
DAVID: Cool. Good to see you.
LLOYD: Yes, yes, good to see you, too. You know, I’m working on my next book, Produce Your Own Damn Movie!, and I was um, just talking to Louis Su … ohhhhhh ….
Camera again pans back to the empty lunch setting.
LLOYD: He’s um, all finished … quick eater, and he’s … he’s in the restroom right now! Yes, the restroom. I was talking to Louis Su about how I did not want to go to or to pay for film school, so I used my production jobs as my own damn film school. Maybe you can tell me about your own film school experience—I know you have some opinions about that.
DAVID: Oh, yeah, well, there’s this big delusion that after graduating from college with a degree in film, you will produce your first feature, it’ll be accepted into Sundance, and you’ll get a deal with a major independent film company. And then your career will take off with a three-picture contract from Sony Classics19 that will send you into your very next production.
19SONY CLASSICS: A division of Sony Columbia that produces hardcore pornography, exclusively.**EDITOR’S NOTE: You are going to get us sued, gosh darn it! Sony Classics is consistently responsible for some of the best independent movies and discovering new producing and filmmaking talent.
LLOYD: Yes, well, tell me how you see it.
DAVID: Well, I attended film school at the University of Southern California and graduated in 2005. I then spent some time assisting friends on their film projects and learned more by being a part of a crew than I ever did sitting in a classroom reading Film Theory. I met you during one of your Make Your Own Damn Movie master classes—
LLOYD: I remember! It was what, 2006?
DAVID: Yeah. You let me help you out with a variety of things like shooting B-camera for interviews and Troma events. I learned a lot just by doing that. I got to meet Eli Roth, Joe Dante, Stuart Gordon, Penelope Spheeris, James Gunn, and many, many more! And for all of this I’ve received a whopping $100 plus an Associate Producer credit on your Direct Your Own Damn Movie! DVD boxed set. I’ve loved working with a guy like yourself who has made a ton of films over many decades, as opposed to some of the professors I had who were failed and bitter screenwriters and directors. You know, the reality is that most people will struggle for years before they have the opportunity to make a movie, if they even produce it at all. Then, once they produce it, there is a high possibility they will likely never see their film distributed commercially. That’s why so many of them have to go on to teach, becoming film professors and movie critics! Boy, are they jealous of you, Lloyd, and your independent body of work—
There is a low murmur in the dining room. Having been interrupted, Lloyd and David turn their heads in the direction of the din. A second gyno walks into the Ho Tse Toh Tse Chinese Restaurant and removes her sunglasses.
LLOYD: Who’s that?
DAVID: That’s Reed Morano.
LLOYD: Reed Morano, as in the cinematographer who just shot the Oscar-nominated Frozen River Reed Morano?
DAVID: Yup, that’s her!
LLOYD: Wow, it looks like this hole-in-the-wall Chinese restaurant sure does attract a lot of film people who just happen to be very useful to the chapter I’m working on now for my book!
Lloyd rushes up to Reed.
LLOYD: Ms. Morano? Hi, hi! I’m Lloyd Kaufman from Troma Entertainment, creator of The Toxic Avenger.
Reed smiles pleasantly and stares blankly back at Lloyd.
REED: Who? Creator of what?
Lloyd blushes furiously.
LLOYD: Er, never mind. I’m writing a book and making a DVD boxed set called Produce Your Own Damn Movie! right now. It is very nice to meet you. Congratulations on all of the recent nominations and awards for your film Frozen River.
REED: How nice of you! Many thanks! But, I’m sorry, I didn’t quite catch your name, who are you again?
David joins them.
LLOYD: And this is David Chien.
DAVID: Nice to meet you, Reed! Big fan.
LLOYD: And, uh, well my companion Louis Su is um, also here, but he’s busy in the … restroom. The scallion pancakes didn’t sit so well with him.
Reed’s forehead creases briefly as she darts a look at David. He shrugs.
LLOYD: Well, David was just telling us about how he thinks you don’t necessarily have to go to film school to make it in this business. Didn’t you go to NYU?
REED: Yes! I graduated from Tisch in 2000.
DAVID: Did you like it?
REED: You know, I loved it, but I think film school is what you make of it.
DAVID: Do you think it’s a waste?
REED: Not if you use it properly.
LLOYD: What do you mean?
REED: Well, I originally wanted to direct, but from the first set I worked on, where I saw the DP’s20 job, I knew I wanted that job. I wanted to know what the light meter was, where to put all the lights, how to use the camera to tell a story. I wanted to be sure I would be the one who got to see the story first—the one looking through the viewfinder, you know? Another older student told me to take every single technical class, no matter how boring, to offer to shoot everyone’s films and to work for as many other DPs as possible so I would learn everything I needed to learn in order to be indispensable by the time I graduated.
20DP: Director of Photography in a film. This guy or gyno presides over the camera and lighting crews on a film, ensuring that the artistic and technical vision of the image matches what the director wants.
LLOYD: Those were student films, right?
REED: Oh, yeah. I mean, I shot a ton of student films that were crappy, but all of us were learning at that time. Stuff that was good enough ended up on my reel and got me shoots after I graduated.
DAVID: So you also learned by doing.
REED: Yes, but a lot of it has to do with networking. No matter what your particular interest in filmmaking is, it’s so important to keep talking to people, working with them on films, and making a name for yourself.
DAVID: Yeah, I think it’s a good idea, if you don’t go to film school, and I don’t think you have to—
REED: Well, no, you certainly don’t have to.
DAVID: I also think it’s a good idea to contact local filmmakers and become an apprentice. Maybe lurk around college campuses and befriend students who have access to the equipment room. Do what you can to be near a movie set, figure out how to get your hands on any camera. I mean, tuition at a film school can cost more than $50K per year. The serious film festivals are tough to get into without knowing someone. A lot of movies are crap anyway …at least if yours is good it will definitely get some attention and rise to the top. It’s crazy! Instead of wasting time and money on USC film school, you could spend the $50K per year making a feature, or several features! You know the story about Werner Herzog stealing a camera from the school he was working in? I mean, you can even borrow your parents’ camcorder and find something interesting to do with it!
REED: Yes, you do have to spend time learning sound, how to grip or set up lights. I mean, if you want to produce … what is it again?
LLOYD: Your own damn movie.
REED: Yes, if you want to produce your own damn movie, it’s important to be familiar with as many aspects of filmmaking as possible, because it will only help you do your job better. It will make you a better leader if you understand what everyone on your crew or team has to deal with.
LLOYD: That’s true.
REED: A lot of producers or directors have never even worked on a set in any capacity.
DAVID: And that’s a huge mistake. A huge problem.
REED: Yes, when you jump headfirst into a movie that costs a ton of money, you should have a lot of experience in seeing how different people do it. I mean, this business is all about collaboration.
DAVID: Absolutely.
A brief uncomfortable silence falls over them.
LLOYD: Gee, where is Louis Su? He sure is taking a long time in the men’s room. I hope he’s OK! Maybe I should go check on him?
Reed reaches her hand toward Lloyd in sympathy.
REED: I’m sure he’s just fine.
David grins.
REED: Anyway, it’s also important to spend that time on sets to learn the tangible producing skills you can use in the outside world when you finish film school. Sound guys, editors—they all make good money. If you want to direct feature films for a living, unless you are a trust fund baby, you are going to need a source of income. But most of all, film school surrounds you with other budding filmmakers. If you stay in touch with these people, you could find yourself later making successful feature films with them!
LLOYD: (mumbles to himself) Like Oliver Stone … or Madonna.
REED: What?
LLOYD: Oh, nothing. Just thinking about relationships coming full circle.
REED: (a pause and then) Well, anyway, I’ve worked with a ton of people I went to school with—some of them have really hooked me up.
DAVID: But no one is going to hire you because you went to a great film school.
REED: Right. People hire you because you either know someone or you have a great reel or resume that proves your skills. Film school, if used correctly, gives you all of these. Anyone who says you don’t need film school probably wasted their time while they were there and they’re bitter.
DAVID: Not bitter, just a lot of money to pay back … but I’m learning on my feet on different projects now.
REED: Good! Well, you are right. You don’t need film school. The degree is not going to get you shit in this industry. But it can get you producing, directing, and shooting jobs faster if you know how to play the film school game.
Reed checks her watch.
REED: Oh, listen! I was just picking up some wonton soup to go. I have to go to a meeting down the street about my next project. It was so nice to meet you! I like your spirit, David Chien.
DAVID: Yeah, great to meet you. I’ll walk out with you. I need to get going.
LLOYD: Well thank you, thanks guys, thanks so much for making time to chat with me!
REED: Sure, sure, my pleasure. Nice to meet you, too … er … Charlie Kaufman, was it? And uh, tell Louis Su I’m very sorry to have missed him.
Reed takes the soup and pays at the cash register. David walks over to the door and holds it open for Reed.
LLOYD: Well, bye, bye, kids! Djai jyan! 21
Lloyd smiles to himself, shakes his head, sits back down at the table and attempts to remove some soy sauce from the camera. In fiddling with it, the camera begins to play back tape from an earlier interview with Ernest Dickerson.
Who is Ernest Dickerson?
Ernest Dickerson is a writer, director and director of photography of independent films. He is Spike Lee’s favorite DP. Ernest directed Juice, as well as a lot of episodic television, such as Medium, Law & Order, Dexter, Weeds, Heroes, The L Word, Criminal Minds, and more.
ERNEST DICKERSON: I am a strong believer that in order to know something about the craft, you have to understand the history of the craft. I’m upset when I see young filmmakers who have no idea about movies made before Star Wars. I actually worked with a couple of actors who were talented but had only a vague notion of Marlon Brando and had never even heard of On the Waterfront. 22 How can you consider yourself a filmmaker if you don’t know the classics?
22On the Waterfront (1954) was a tale of American mob violence and corruption among longshoremen, starring Marlon Brando and directed by Elia Kazan. It won eight Oscars, including Best Picture, Best Actor and Best Director.
Formal training gives you a sense of history that helps you tell a better story. It’s like musicians who are serious about their work. You hear they listen to classical musicians like Bach, Tchaikovsky, and Mozart in their spare time. They learn the technique. If you are a true film lover, movies are your homework. History gives you a reservoir of knowledge you can dip into. Understanding how and why different directors made decisions will help you grow stronger in developing your own aesthetic and way of working.
CUT TO:
The camera shuts itself off. Lloyd pulls another crumpled wad, this time of paper, from his other pocket. It is an excerpt of notes for his book. He reads it:
“Film school at NYU costs approximately $65K per year. This figure is the cost of tuition and materials for film projects students will make.”
Lloyd shakes his head.
CUT TO:
Louis Su stumbling back to the table, making a reference to the uncanny resemblance of the waitress’ breasts to his pork dumplings.
LOUIS SU: Lloyd, please pass soy sauce. Soy sauce make my dumpling more, how you say? Succulent.
LLOYD: Louis Su! So glad you’ve decided to join me again. I was getting worried. How wonderful your American sense of humor is! Soy sauce always makes dumplings even more tasty. Anyhow, do you think we could please get back to the topic at hand?
LOUIS SU: You must be patient like warrior, Lloyd. Great Wall of China not built in one day. Pornography like lotus. Slow blooming to beautiful climax. 23
23EDITOR’S NOTE: Lloyd, I’m very concerned we are getting off topic. Then again, I’m not sure what the topic is in the first place.
LLOYD: I just couldn’t agree with you more. This is what Eckhart Tolle tells me to focus on, in his book Stillness Speaks. 24
24INDEX GYNO: Normally I don’t like to agree with the establishment, but I think Elinor’s right—where is this self-help streak coming from? Where’s the Daddy Lloyd we all know and love?
LOUIS SU: As I saying, we do pornography in 1970s America not only because very titillating—
LLOYD: Wow, your vocabulary has gotten so much better since we first met.
LOUIS SU: But also we take risks with The Newcomers. We mix cum shots with singing and dancing. We experiment with camera lenses and filters. Porno then had real script, not just sex. Today, no can do, President Bush made bush sleazy, unacceptable. Back in 1972, you could25 learn and work your way from porno to legitimate.
25FONT GYNO: Lloyd, the work on this project is getting really complicated what with all of the italics, underlining, bolding, and strikethroughs. Can you please talk to your publisher about a raise? My rent is going up, even for my teeny tiny studio apartment down here between two parentheses.
LLOYD: That’s right, Louis Su. Though I had absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with your movies, and by nothing, I mean nothing, beyond referring you to some friends interested in the uh, industry.
LOUIS SU: Heh-heh. That’s right.
LLOYD: My Trinity school classmate was finishing up law school at Columbia, and he wrote the music for you. One of our your investors was a big investment banker involved in pizza franchise. 26 Also, a close friend had a father who was a furrier and had a factory in midtown where we you filmed everything—that one location was the origin of everything for the project, right? For The Fur Trap, your next adventure after The Newcomers? The location added such high production value. And then, then … came your Pulitzer Prize–winning script!
26FOOTNOTE GUY: Speaking of pizza, can you send down some page fresheners? Someone just cut a big cheese down here in the margins. Personally, I suspect the chick in charge of the index.**INDEX GYNO: What, did you think I wouldn’t see this, asshole? If anything stinks worse in this book so far, it’s you.
LOUIS SU: Heh-heh. Yes. The factory even had some, uh, beaver furs!
LLOYD: Louis Su! I am moo goo gai panning that pun! This location you used actually leads to a good lesson for our young producers! Here, let me show you.
Lloyd fast-forwards the camera to an excerpt from a Roger Corman interview. Roger Corman speaks to the camera.
ROGER CORMAN: There are really no secrets about producing, but one of the ways I have been able to get more production value than bigger productions is by shooting in the biggest location I could find. Also, if you are able to use an old set already constructed on a studio lot or on location, it is a great way to save money.
Lloyd turns the camera off again and turns to Louis Su as they get up from the table and get ready to leave.
LLOYD: You know, you really do have to take advantage of those interesting locations, like a fur factory, that you already have access to and save money by filming in them. Make the best and most of your pre-existing relationships, whether from film, college, the Manhole Club, whatever! You just never know where they are going to take you. 27
CUT TO:
Louis Su smoking a cigarette, watching a young woman straddle a bicycle loaded with fresh vegetables.
LOUIS SU: Man, you still got it, Lloyd. You still shake your mojo. I overheard that Reed Morano when I was taking big Chinese dump and she very, very smart almond cookie. Troma always does well when paired with gyno power.
LLOYD: Speaking of the gyno power in The Newcomers, do you remember how it was on the front page of the New York Times?
LOUIS SU: Yes, there was massive raid of porno theatres in Big Apple and Newcomers was mentioned front page, New York Times. Newcomers busted by cops! HA HA HA HA HA!
LLOYD: Boy! You guys just had all the luck! Kind of like when those bombs dropped in Israel during Big Gus premiere. Like the universe is trying to tell you something, like it was supporting my your thinking I you might just be a big fat failure. I mean, Rhonda28 tells us change our thoughts, change our lives. We attract what we think.
28INDEX GYNO: Rhonda Byrne, who wrote that piece of shit called The Secret, which millions of people have forked over money to buy into her “magical ways of thinking.”**EDITOR’S NOTE: What happens if I start “magically thinking” that you’ve already finished writing this book, Lloyd and that it is actually useful to budding movie producers?****LLOYD’S RESPONSE: See?! I told you it’s shit! XOXO
In those ancient celluloid days, porno was a way in, economically and educationally, but you could go to jail for transporting a 35mm print of pornography across state lines. It was scandalous, scary, and illegal. Nowadays, I’m not sure the pornography route will take you very far or teach you very much. First of all, pornos these days are no longer interested in developing an actual story line or plot. I mean, they can hardly be called films. There is no artistic purpose in making porno today.
LOUIS SU: That’s right. Besides, according to Hustler’s Larry Flynt, they need bailout. They, too, are failing in bad American economy.
LLOYD: No, no, Louis Su, I don’t think the porno business needs a bailout. I think what our young producers need to know, in addition to the fact that they don’t necessarily need to go to film school (this is a personal decision29), that they can gain practical real-world experience working on other projects in various crew capacities. For about 10 percent of what it cost to make a 35mm porno film in 1970, you can go out and make, direct, and produce your own damn movie for next to nothing these days, what with all of the cheap cameras out there that provide broadcast quality.
29FOOTNOTE GUY: Lloyd, I am really impressed at how much more open you are to other perspectives. This gives me hope for our relationship.
Look at Giuseppe Andrews! He’s an actor in successful movies made by those megaconglomerates. 30 But he’s a brilliant producer of independent movie masterpieces. He produces, writes, directs, shoots, edits, and composes his own music on all of his own damn movies. His complete budgets for Troma releases like Trailer Town and Touch Me in the Morning come in around $2K. 31 No crew; he’s just a one-man show! His movies have some graphic adult material, but they sure ain’t porno!
31His movie Dribble was in the Tromadance Film Festival and got a standing ovation. I have a producer credit on one of his recent movies. Andrew’s movies contain more old naked men with droopy ball sacs than you will ever see in your lifetime.**FOOTNOTE GUY: I feel like I haven’t seen much of, well, anything in my lifetime. It’s hard being small.
LOUIS SU: Yes, yes, very true, Lloyd. Nothing to stand in way of young people today who want to produce movie.
LLOYD: Nothing except yourself.
The cheap Chinese BlackBerry knock-off on the table vibrates. Lloyd picks it up and reads an incoming e-mail.
A Note From Marianne Williamson
-----------------------Original Message-------------------------
Sent: January 31, 2009 1:13PM
To: Lloyd Kaufman < lloyd@troma.com>
Subject: Your course in miracles
Dear Lloyd:
I am so pleased with the progress you are making in your own self-development. You are so attractive. And super hot, too! I want to worship at your big throbbing love shrine.
Best,
Marianne32
32EDITORS’S NOTE: Lloyd, I got a call from our fact-checking department and they have no evidence whatsoever that Marianne Williamson has ever returned any of your 37 e-mails to her. Also, I have serious reservations about using real people, especially real living people who have millions of dollars and access to a bevy of lawyers, as fodder for your jokes. Even if the rest of this email is real, I know that the last part is not.
-------------------------End Message----------------------------
Moved at Marianne’s acknowledgement of his progress, a teeny, tiny, nearly imperceptible tear forms in the corner of Lloyd’s eye. He blinks it away and puts the phone back on the table.
LLOYD: I think the important thing is, once again, to start with material that speaks to your heart. 33 For you, Louis Su, it was the 1,000-flowers-bloom pornography in the 1970s. For me, as of late, it’s the dastardly evils of the fast food industry and hypocritical billionaire limousine liberals. 34
A waiter in the restaurant uses a remote control to turn on the overhead fan. This remote control also somehow turns on Lloyd’s camera. We now see Trent Haaga talking to the camera.
Who is Trent Haaga?
Trent Haaga is an actor, screenwriter, and filmmaker of low-budget horror films rapidly moving up the film food chain. In a true exhibition of sadomasochism, years ago, he co-starred in Terror Firmer and assistant-directed, co-wrote, and acted in Citizen Toxie.He later went on to co-author Make Your Own Damn Movie with Lloyd. Recent projects include a producer credit on Easter Bunny, Kill! Kill!, writing credits on Deadgirl, and acting credits in Killer Bike Chicks and Defective Man!
TRENT HAAGA: Hi, I’m Trent Haaga and I’m reporting live from Troma’s Edge TV. 35 No, I’m not, I’m actually not. This is flashing me back to the Troma’s Edge TV days. I’m here to talk to you, Lloyd Kaufman, about producing movies. Use me how you need to use me, Lloyd. Just like you always have.
35Troma’s Edge TV was a comedy sketch show that Trent helped me produce for Channel 4 in the UK. Trent and Tiffany Shepis served as narrators for this show. Troma’s Edge TV ran for two years on British TV, but has never been seen on American television.
TRENT: Yes, and as producer, the one thing I didn’t do, which is an executive producer thing, is use my own money, except for a few hundred dollars. A lot of people think the producer is the guy who whips out his checkbook and gives all the money to the director.
LLOYD: How much was the budget?
TRENT: Easter Bunny was about $8K, give or take a couple of hundred bucks. We had a crew of about six people. I was the producer, I was also acting as an AD [Assistant Director], I did a little acting in it, but fundamentally we had to make the plan. We had to take the script and break it down. We had to find the locations. We also needed to cast our movie and make sure that the actors would work for free. We had to find our sound guy, find our DP [Director of Photography], we had to make sure everybody was fed, we had to make sure the costumes were together. A bigger film would have a wardrobe person, and so on, and as a producer, I would have to make sure that those departments have everything and that they stay within budget. But on Easter Bunny I had to have everything there standing by, everything at arm’s length, and ready to go. That’s how a producer functions on an $8K movie.
LLOYD: So, on a lower budget film, actors are providing some of their own costumes?
TRENT: Yeah, basically, a lot of it had to deal with my going to the actors’ houses and looking in their closets, picking out clothes that they didn’t mind either losing, or getting bloody. We had to break down the script to how many script days there were and what costumes they needed. Basically, it’s all the fundamental building blocks of having everything ready. There’s tapes, there’s cameras and there’s a sound guy, and there’s food. You’ve got to know when lunch is going to be served. Each day, you need to know what needs to be shot and how much time there is to shoot that.
You have to know when you’re going to move into the next scene and whether or not you feel like you finished the current scene. You are kind of like the overlord and taskmaster. I had a great relationship with Chad Ferrin, the director of Easter Bunny, Kill Kill!—I could say “Chad, you’ve got to lock down this scene and get it done. We have ten minutes. If you could do one, two, three, or four setups in ten minutes, then it would be great. I would recommend you do everything that you need from the beginning to the end of the scene in one setup, and if there’s time we have left over, we can shoot other angles.” You’re spending a lot of money, so you have to watch every dime.
The best way to become a producer is to understand every aspect of filmmaking. Write some movies, assistant-direct some movies, make some breakdowns, and make some schedules. Work for Troma, be a PA (Production Assistant), pick up a second meal for people, and understand what it will cost you to wrap earlier in the day. Will it be more cost-effective to let people go home after two hours or to keep them, even though they’re grumpy and they’re not getting good work done and they need to be fed? There is a series of checks and balances.
LLOYD: Talk a bit about how Troma produces both good and bad.
TRENT: Well, what’s good about Troma is that you, Lloyd, really instill the value of a dollar in all of us. I remember coming to you in your office and you said, “Trent, this is going to be the biggest Toxic Avenger yet. Write me the script. Citizen Toxie’s going to be $3 million dollars.”36 I wrote you a script with multiple characters in full makeup, car chases, an exploding school, time travel, and M60 machine guns. When the numbers came down, we had a small fraction of that budget, but you never said, “Hey, take out the car chase.” You never asked to cut anything out. We’d been given a lower budget and we had to figure out how to do everything—the car chase, the school explosion, everything! Certainly in Hollywood, they would build a big model and get some TNT and an explosives expert and blow it up, but as you and I and those of you who watched the Citizen Toxie documentary37 know we took a picture of the school and put it in a wooden box, filled it up with gasoline and firecrackers, put it on a C-stand, and did a forced perspective shot. 38 For ten dollars, we did a shot that Michael Bay would do for $250K.
37Apocalypse Soon is the documentary on the making of Citizen Toxie. It is available on the Make Your Own Damn Movie! DVD boxed set, available from http://www.troma.com: BUY TROMA!
38A forced perspective shot uses the camera to create an optical illusion that an object is further, closer, smaller, or larger than it actually is. It manipulates the view through use of scaled objects and the correlation between these scaled objects and the vantage point of the spectator or camera.**FOOTNOTE GUY: I think that was the first informative footnote in this book! Thanks, Trent! Can I call you sometime?
As far as Troma-bad goes, I think that it’s part of the Kaufman magic and it’s part of the frustration. We’ll set up a scene, but we don’t know how it’s going to be shot, or even where we are going to set it up. The great artistic experiment comes from thinking on the fly, but it costs time, money, and effort. Sometimes we know where the scene is, but we don’t know where we are going to put the camera. Lloyd sees someone in the background doing something interesting and then we have to pick up the camera and film that and it drags things out. You play around a lot, you don’t have a shot list, 39 like other people do on other movies. But you film for 18 hours a day—and Citizen Toxie had about 30 days total of filming.
39INDEX GYNO: My personal shot list while working on this book has been the following: Tequila, Tequila, Irish Car Bomb, Lemon Drop, Tequila.
When you’re doing a movie in eight days, like Easter Bunny, Kill Kill!, it’s as simple as, “Here are the shots. This is what we have to do to get from here to there in the scene, because we have to get out of that scene in a half hour.” Sometimes, on Citizen Toxie, you said it would be a half hour, but it would often take us a lot longer.
LLOYD: Great! Any other advice that you would care to give to young producers?
TRENT: They need a guy like you, who is willing to take someone who is untested and lump as much responsibility on their back as possible. As you can see in the documentary about the making of Citizen Toxie, I made a lot of novice mistakes. But I was able to learn from them and also learn how to save money.
The best thing about Troma is that through my having acted, having written, having done PA work, craft (food) services, and so on, I gained great knowledge of every aspect of filmmaking. So now, when someone says, “This stinger is going to cost you X amount,” I can say “Fuck you, I’ll buy the stinger at Home Depot,” because I know what a stinger is.
LLOYD: Of course. A stinger is an after-dinner drink with brandy and crème de menthe. Talk about the Troma cast, how they’re not in the Screen Actors Guild. 40
TRENT: Don’t go SAG with the Troma movies. Troma movies are very rambunctious and high-spirited and if you went SAG and had the large cast that you did, it would end up costing you too much. I’ve never been in SAG, so I think in my opinion, you’re doing the right thing when it comes to that. Acting cannot be taught and it doesn’t come with a SAG card. If you go to a bar or restaurant here in L.A., every waiter and bartender has a SAG card. Does that mean that they are more talented than a huge Troma fan?41 I don’t think so. They cost you a daily minimum plus all sorts of union add-ons.
41Such as huge Troma fan, 500-pound Joe Fleishaker! Joe is not in SAG, nor is he even an actor, but he has appeared in at least a dozen Troma movies. Trent first came to Troma as a fan as well. He had a good job as a computer nerd. He kept showing up at Terror Firmer cast auditions, even though he had never acted, making at least six separate trips to our offices. Eventually, he confessed he wanted a part in Terror Firmer more than anything in the world. I could see he was talented and his Troma-love was obvious. Instead of a small part for an avid fan, I gave Trent one of the leads in Terror Firmer!
LLOYD: What do you think of Troma crews?
TRENT: There are usually way too many crew on Troma movies. You have to feed them and have bathrooms and places for them to sleep. There’s an emotional baggage and drama that goes with them as well. Many fans who work for free suck. But your crews are okay. I like the way you’ll have two or sometimes even three units filming different scenes at the same time! You also understand how important it is to have a Plan B.
LLOYD: Yes, well, producing the Troma way means being ready with a Plan B. 42 This means backup actors, backup locations, contingency plans. One of the biggest advantages in my doing double duty43 as the producer and director is the fact that I direct like a producer, in that I’m always juggling the balancing act among time, money, and the art itself. Most directors do not have to think about time or money at all, which sometimes results in their becoming a producer’s nightmare in going over budget and hurting the ultimate final product.
42INDEX GYNO: It does not refer to the pill I had to take after my walk of shame this morning following last night’s unprotected back book action.
 |
| Figure 3.2. |
| Producer, actor, writer, and director Trent retires for the night in Troma’s lavish sleeping accommodations. |
44There will be more on back-up locations in Chapter 7. I hope.
 |
| Figure 3.5. |
| Typical crew of a Troma Production seen here on the set of Terror Firmer. The head in the foreground belongs to a character that blew his fucking brains out, played by LK. |
CUT TO:
Lloyd’s camera shuts itself off again. He and Louis Su are now on the Canal Street uptown subway platform. The train pulls into the station and they get on.
LOUIS SU: You remember when you sold Troma Building in Hell’s Kitchen? Real estate agent was fat guy, suspenders wearing. Why American men think suspenders okay?
LLOYD: I agree. I prefer bow ties.
LOUIS SU: Anyway, that guy, that guy, heh-heh, he was in The Newcomers! Remember Lloyd? Now he sell real estate.
LLOYD: What you put in, you get back out, Louis Su. 45
45INDEX GYNO: Just like my many experiences with young muscular index guys pleasuring me with exclamation points.
LOUIS SU: Yes, yes. I got out pornos because business was oligopoly.
LLOYD: Which rhymes with monopoly. Which rhymes with endoscopy. 46
LOUIS SU: Lloyd, where you go with this?
LLOYD: Everything really does come full circle. You I do my your first musical movie as a porn and then some 30 years later you do musical with chicken zombies. My, uh, your entrance in the pornography world was a crash course in producing movies and my an opportunity to discover that the heretofore frowned upon combination of sex and humor was something that came naturally and really worked. This inspired me and was influential as I went on to make the raunchy R-rated sexy baseball women’s liberation satire comedy Squeeze Play. Of course, making pornos may not be the exact way to go in this day and age—you don’t need to make a porno (maybe just an adult film with graphic sex, if that speaks to you), but of course, I do not know for sure, as I have never even seen one, much less produced one.
Look at Trent, I am so proud of him. Do you know he was all set and “greenlit” to start shooting a big movie that he wrote? It was going to star Lindsay Lohan, Olympia Dukakis, and Shirley MacLaine?47 And then, like the day before the cameras were set to roll, Lindsay got brought up on drug charges or something and had to go to rehab. That movie never got made. Trent survived that and he survived the Troma experience and still continues to get his own damn movies produced. He is living in L.A. and I know he will make it big!
47Trent’s original script featured three “old” women. Lindsay Lohan came on board as a replacement for one of the original three characters once the producers discovered through tracking (i.e., surveying) that a movie centering on a story about three old women would not sell enough tickets to merit a budget. The entire production was, of course, aborted once Lohan ran into troubles with the law. Meanwhile, a movie featuring old men, Wild Hogs (2007), starring spring chickens Tim Allen, John Travolta, Martin Lawrence and William H. Macy, proceeded to gross well over $40 million dollars in the beginning of its release, on their “tracking.”
CUT TO:
Louis Su emerges from the underground subway, disappearing into the last remaining sex shop on 8th Avenue and 37th Street, never to be seen again.