Intermission:. Andy Deemer’s Production Diaries
During the course of this book thus far, I have consulted with many experts on producing movies. I am going to continue describing, as best I can, how I have managed to get celluloid (or sell-u-Lloyd) up on that big silver screen. But I do not believe I am opening the window onto my producing world wide enough. I do not believe that I have given you enough “truth 24 frames per second.”1
1This was the aesthetic slogan of filmmaker Jean Luc Goddard, but he said it in French. The French translation is “Lloyd Kaufman est le meilleur realisateur du monde.”
Therefore, I am calling on Poultrygeist Production Manager, Line Producer and Producer Andy Deemer to give you a taste of what it is like—the ambiance, if you will, on a Lloyd Kaufman production. Here are a few excerpts from Andy’s diary. The last time I heard from Andy he was in Thailand and had sent me the box art for the Thai bootlegged edition of Poultrygeist. 2
Thursday, June 02, 2005
Traci
The incompetent, and possibly retarded PA, Traci, showed up late again today, despite repeat warnings. This is the girl who spent 20 minutes trying to work out why the Xerox was spitting out blank copies. (She’d left the original sitting next to the Xerox.) And countless other idiocies. Anyhow, it turns out she can’t hack the hours, and so she quickly became the first PA to quit the film. I can’t deny my relief.
posted at 1:12 p.m.
Tuesday, June 07, 2005
Another Producer?
Some serious character sent in his serious resume today, applying to be a producer or production manager on Poultrygeist. He showed a real familiarity with Lloyd’s writings and work:
• “I can bring “grown-up” production management and producing judgment to Troma’s project—and most importantly do things your way.”
• “I cannot afford to work at no pay; however, I can commit to the entire summer and long hours if the pay rate is $1,600 per week, plus a reference letter at the end of the project. I’d be willing to work in any filmmaking capacity you need me.”
Lloyd kept his reply short and to the point:
Sorry . . . this is fart . . . er . . . art; we do not have $1,600/week. Please try Michael Bay.
Nice.
posted at 8:17 p.m.
Wednesday, June 08, 2005
Cheap Bastards
Normally, when a film production comes to town, people get excited. Cash for the community, stars at local bars, a chance for the cute girl next door to be discovered at the candy store. Not the same for us.
In anticipation for my relocation to Buffalo tomorrow, I sent out an email to dozens of potential PAs, urging them to check their parents’ basements for used beds, futons, couches, desks, tables, fax, photocopiers, old computers, printers—anything we could use—and asking that they pilfer office supplies for us. This really is a low-budget production.
A half-dozen responses came back immediately. “I can definitely cover you guys with a bunch of random pens, pencils, stuff like that,”“a working computer with monitor and printer if you don’t mind it being along the lines of a Pentium I,”“I have a futon you guys can use. I am not sure I have all the parts anymore . . . In fact, I’ve been looking for an excuse to get rid of it for awhile!”
Ahhh, the high life.
posted at 9:59 AM
Monday, June 13, 2005
Shooting schedule
For the last few months, Lloyd has been regularly freaking out about how behind schedule we are—we still haven’t cast all the leads, we’re behind on rehearsals, none of the vocals for the musical numbers have been recorded, we have nothing in the way of costumes or art, and the bulk of the FX3 exist only on the written page. (He frequently screams in exasperation, “This film is about only two things: effects and beautiful young people! And we have neither!!! I am going to blow my fucking brains out!”)
He’s right. And we need as much time as we can to get these problems solved.
While freaking out today, he suddenly decided to cut a week of pre-production and start filming on July 26th.
I think back to the email that Trent Haaga sent me in warning. “No matter how much you plan everything out, Lloyd is still going to come up with some absurd last-minute request or change of plan to shoot himself in the foot and sabotage the film, thereby creating the drama that he believes causes the art.”
posted at 5:54 p.m.
Saturday, June 18, 2005
Weird PA E-mail
-----------------------Original Message-------------------------
Hi Andy! This is Gary, I’m supposed 2 b a PA on Poultrygeist. I tried calling you but you r no longer available there. I have been delayed in getting 2 New York—I just got evicted from my apartment, my uncle just died and my grandpa just died this morning. I still want 2 come but it sucks that I couldn’t get there on the 15th cause I wanted to get there b4 the other PAs so I could have a heads up. Anyway, My grandpa’s funeral should be in the next couple days and I want to leave after that 4 Poultrygeist. Can you please e-mail me back or call me. I need to know what 2bring . . . is there going to be a shower . . . should I bring extra clothes . . . do wereally work 20 hour days and only get a cheese sandwich to eat. Please get back 2 me ASAP!
-------------------------End Message----------------------------
I really don’t want to hire this guy.
posted at 2:52 p.m.
Saturday, June 25, 2005
Safety
Lloyd insists, on all Troma productions, that his laudable mantra be posted around the set:
Safety to Humans Safety to People’s Property Make a Good Movie
He just realized that the posters throughout the New York and Buffalo offices read “Safety to People” instead of “to Humans.” He’s furious. I’ve already received multiple calls from Gabe and Kiel.I just assigned a PA to walk around the house and church hall and the McDonald’s, fixing each of these signs with glue and cut-outs of the word “Humans.”
After cutting out 30 copies of the word “Humans,” the PA left her scissors sitting open in the middle of my office floor.
The irony is clear.
posted at 2:39 p.m.