The babysitter lived in a block of flats I knew well, in Rælingen, on the hill east of Strømmen and Skjetten, at the very edge of Østmarka forest. It took twenty minutes to drive there from Veitvet on a Sunday.
She had lived in a house with an orchard at Tåsen, but had moved here because Turid lived here, but Turid didn’t live here any longer by the time she arrived, we had moved again, Turid must have forgotten to tell her. I knew who she was and I didn’t like it. It was Merete, the colourful who had once kissed me at a party, but who probably didn’t remember the kiss, nor the taste of it, and if she did, must have tried to repress it and had even entered my apartment at Bjølsen uninvited to fill a cardboard box with cups and plates on a mission for Turid and had seen me lying defenceless, half-naked on the sofa, and took pleasure in it. But that was a year ago. I wasn’t that me now.
I parked in front of the building in the space reserved for guests. There was just one slot free, and probably none of the other cars belonged to a guest. They hardly ever did. I turned the rear-view mirror until I could see the upper part of my face, and I closed my eyes and rubbed my whole face with flat palms many times and pulled my hair tightly back with my nails scraping against my scalp and opened my eyes and couldn’t see any difference. I twisted the mirror back into place, but stayed in my seat. I was dreading this, I had to admit, and I regretted the offer I had made earlier that day. But at the same time I longed to see the girls. We had been together for a week that summer, in the Danish house. I had ended up drinking too much on the first evening. That was stupid of me, I was alone with them, something might have happened, but I don’t think the girls noticed. The morning after I had a headache, but I got up early anyway and went out into the kitchen and poured the remains of the bottle of Famous Grouse into the sink. It was a litre bottle, I had bought it on the boat on the way down, as I always did, but it wouldn’t do. I couldn’t, and without remorse I let the expensive drops run down the drain, for things had turned out all right, I was relieved, and it would not happen again. I was about to screw the cap back on the empty bottle when Vigdis came out of the room with the bunk beds which the three of them slept in, as they had done at home, at Bjølsen, when they still came for weekends. She saw me at once and knew what I had done, and she didn’t say anything, but nodded faintly as she lifted her gaze from the bottle and met mine, and just then, for a brief moment, she was above me, she was the more adult with an insight and a command of the situation which I lacked. It couldn’t be true, it wasn’t true, she was not yet thirteen, and still, a feeling of shame and inferiority came over me. But the rest of the week it all went well, I couldn’t remember better days, and Vigdis was a child again. I hadn’t seen any of them since.
I got out of the car and walked across the lawn taking the shortest route where after many years there was a path across the grass, the same path I had walked so many times up to my own entrance and in past the door to the flat on the ground floor which had once been ours, Turid’s and mine, in the two years before we moved back to Bjølsen. Because I insisted. I couldn’t live there any more, I refused to.
I walked up the stairs to the first floor and stopped in front of the door to the right, where there was only one name on the door plate. Or, there had been two, but the other name, the man’s name, someone had scratched out, or attempted to scratch out, with a nail, by the looks of it, or a screwdriver. I didn’t know who that man was or had been. I stood there for a while, I hesitated, I thought stupid thoughts, then I said half out loud to myself, come on, for God’s sake, just ring that bell, and pressed the button.
At once someone came running in the hallway, I heard quick steps and a bright laughter, and the door swung open, and it was little Tone, she hung onto the door handle and went with it a way out and stood there surprised beyond the threshold, is that you Daddy, she said, red-cheeked and breathless, that’s right, I said. Oh, she said, Vigdis, she shouted over her shoulder, it’s Daddy who’s here, but it wasn’t Vigdis who first came into view, it was Turid’s friend Merete, with her boy’s haircut, her motorcycle hair, except her hair was long now and fell to her shoulders, and was even a different colour than when I saw her last. It was a bit odd, I thought, like a wig, and it didn’t make her look any younger. She was far from pleased. Is that you, she said. It is, I said. I can’t deny it. If I’d known, I wouldn’t have let Tone open the door. Is that so, I said. Turid was supposed to come and get the girls, she said, we had an agreement, it was not you. Maybe not, but here I am. I don’t think that will work, she said, and I said, of course, it will work out fine. And then Vigdis stood there, and finally Tine came and peered out and said, Hi Daddy. Hi Tine, I said, are we leaving, she said, and I said, yes, you are. That suits me perfectly, she said. I had to smile, that’s good, I said, and Vigdis, why don’t you just get dressed and we’ll leave. Okay Daddy, she said. She looked happy to see me. Then she took their clothes from the pegs in the hallway and handed them out and started getting dressed herself. I don’t think this will work at all, Merete said. Vigdis, she said, hang those clothes back up again, please, and we’ll wait for your mummy. She’s not coming, I said. What nonsense, Merete said, she’ll be here soon, why wouldn’t she. She simply isn’t coming, I said. Trust me. Vigdis stood, her jacket in hand, and looked at me and looked at Merete and looked at me again, and I smiled and nodded, and she smiled back, and Merete said, put that jacket back, Vigdis, right this minute, but then Vigdis turned and started pulling the zipper up, and now she was staring straight down at the floor, she said, you don’t decide over me. You don’t decide over Tine and not over Tone and not over me, we’re going with Daddy. No you are not, Merete said, do you understand, we are going to wait for your mummy, and she wanted to pull the jacket off Vigdis and took hold of one sleeve and pulled on it hard, but the zipper was up to her neck now and Vigdis lost her balance and fell as if from a great height, I could see her closed eyes and her tight lips on her way down before she struck the shining parquet with her left shoulder first, and her fair hair swept like a wing across her face and spread out, fan-shaped, on the parquet. That fall must have hurt, but she didn’t cry, she pressed her lips together and got up slowly, still staring at the floor. Tine stood there rigid with her trousers up to her knees, and Tone with her head barely poking through her sweater, they were thinking, what will happen now, what can happen now, anything can happen now. I was on my way into the hallway to lift Vigdis up off the floor, but I was too late, she was already back on her feet, and with her hand in a fist and her eyes closed and all the force a twelve-year-old girl is able to muster, she hit Merete in the side, right below the ribs, where the kidneys are supposed be, and Merete hunched up, but it was shock more than the blow itself that made her lose her balance, she opened her mouth and was about to say something, but instead she had to put her hand out and grip the peg rack to stop herself from falling backwards, and with the other hand she struck out before going down on her knees and she hit Vigdis in the back of neck, and Vigdis fell again, and this time tears began to run down her face, but she didn’t utter a sound. Just then I felt sorry for Merete, for she would never forget this day, and every time she thought back, she would have this unpleasant feeling in her stomach and remember that this was the last time she was allowed to see her friend Turid’s daughters and probably Turid herself and would for ever after put the blame on me. I didn’t mind so much, but for her there was no way back, the bridge was in flames behind her.
I walked quickly into the hallway and helped Vigdis up from the floor and took hold of her the way I’d done before, and she was heavier now than the last time, at Hadeland when we ran along the hillside, but I had worked out a lot over the past six months, I wanted to look presentable with my shirt off too, and now I lifted her high up off the floor and set her down again on her feet and whispered in her ear, it’s all right, Vigdis, and she whispered back, okay Daddy, it’s all right, and dried her tears with the back of her hands, her skin white under her eyes. Do you have your rucksack, I said. It’s behind the door, she said. Then take it and go out on the landing and wait there, I said, and she did as I told her to and took her rucksack and went out on the landing and stood by the railing to wait. I took her sisters’ clothes over my arm and their little rucksacks, and right next to me Merete was on her way up off her knees, and then I said very loudly, like hell you’re getting up until I’ve gone, and she sank back down. I hadn’t expected that. She wasn’t herself any more than I was me, and then she started to cry with her hands covering her face, and why shouldn’t she, I thought. And with one little girl in each hand I crossed the threshold through the wide open door, and at the same moment the neighbour on the opposite side of the landing came out of his door and stood there stiffly holding his house key up as if to show me how rare it was, how valuable, and he knew me from the old days, from the Party, his name was Olavsen, I saw it on the door plate, in the Party he was Konrad. He didn’t live here when I lived here. I said hello, and he said, hello Jansen, it’s been a long time, and I said, likewise, but how did you know my name, I didn’t know your name, I said, until now, and he said, I do read the papers you know. Shit, of course, I forgot. I keep forgetting. You’ve done all right for yourself, he said. I guess I have, I said, and suddenly we heard Merete shouting, Olavsen, he’s kidnapping the children, you have to stop him, you have to call the police. Olavsen and I looked at each other, are you, he said. I shook my head, no, I said, and he said loudly, as far as I know, Merete, these are Jansen’s children, they’re not yours, and then he locked his door, gave me a nod and walked calmly down the stairs. Merete was still on her knees, crying. With a kick of my heel I slammed her door hard into the frame.