The bar is crowded with people eager and excited for us to perform. We try to do a few small local shows whenever we can, and tonight happens to be our last one before the tour starts in a couple of weeks. I peek out from the curtain, but the lights are bright and it makes it hard to see too far into the crowd. I invited Becka to the show and told her she should come hang out backstage with us, but she’s still not here and I’m feeling something I haven’t felt in a long time.
Nerves.
Not the small hit of nerves I get before every show, but a full-on gut punch which makes me feel like I’m going to puke. I already know she likes our music, but it’s different performing in front of someone you know and respect. I want to impress her.
“She still not here?” Tristan’s voice calls from behind me. I hear Kasen laugh and Miles let out a little chuckle but I don’t turn around.
Fuck those guys.
They’ve been teasing me mercilessly about Becka, even though I’ve told them we’re just friends. But they don’t believe me.
Maybe they shouldn’t.
We had a moment the other night at the beach house. I can’t describe what happened, but it felt different than what I’m used to. It felt real.
Which is why I need her to be my friend—and only my friend. The only real I get anymore is from the guys. If Becka and I dated and things didn’t work out, I’d lose her completely. She never stays friends with exes—she’s been that way since her first boyfriend. No matter how good a friend she might’ve been with a guy before they dated, once they broke up, he might as well have been dead to her.
I don’t think I could stand to lose her, not now. Not when I need her warmth and realness more than I think I’ve ever needed anything. She’s made me feel a kind of contentment I didn’t think I’d ever feel. All those nights feeling lost and alone in a sea of people fade into the background whenever I’m around Becka and see her smile, or hear her laugh, or the way she gets really serious and animated when she’s talking about something she’s passionate about.
She’s real, and genuine, and pure. And I can’t lose her.
So what if I want her to be impressed with me? That’s a totally normal feeling. I’m supposed to want to impress my friends with how kick-ass I am.
I feel Tristan, Kasen, and Miles move to my back and then see their heads pop around me to peek out of the curtain.
“What’s she look like now? It’s been fucking forever since I’ve seen her,” Kasen says.
“Same soft-looking chocolate-brown hair, but now she’s got some lighter highlights.” I throw Tristan a look at his description of her. He gives me a what shrug and I try not to scowl, but I know I fail miserably when he arches a brow and gets a cocky smirk on his face. I’m definitely not fooling him.
“What are y’all looking at?” a soft, feminine voice says from behind us.
We all whip around to see Becka standing there in black skinny jeans, black ankle boots, and a white shirt covered by a black leather jacket with her brown hair cascading around her shoulders. Her brow is arched, but her pink lips twitch in amusement.
“Just waiting on you, so our good man here didn’t lose his shit thinking you’d ditched him,” Kasen says as he walks up to her with his typical swagger and lifts her up into a hug. Kasen is six feet four and covered in tats and piercings, but his smile never fails to make him look like he’s as innocent as a kitten.
Even if he’s not.
“That’s not what would’ve happened,” I say with my scowl directed toward Kasen. Miles just chuckles again, and Tristan remains quietly supportive at my side.
Becka giggles as Kasen swings her around and then sets her back down on her feet.
About damn time.
“Hey, Kase. Long time, no see,” Becka says as Miles walks up to her, and she gives him a warm smile. “Miles. It’s been way too long. How are you?”
“Been good. Living the life. You know how it goes.”
“Oh sure. Yep. I totally know what it’s like staying in five-star hotels and rocking out in front of thousands of fans. Definitely know all about that.” She gives him a teasing wink and then turns to Tristan and gives him a hug. “Good to see you again.”
“You too.”
Then it’s my turn. A surge of giddiness travels through me when she turns her beautiful gaze to me.
Okay, giddiness and those damn nerves.
I can’t remember the last time I was nervous around a woman. It’s a novel feeling but one I don’t mind. Even if I know nothing can ever happen.
“Hey, Becks.” Using her childhood nickname helps me focus on the fact that we’re just friends.
But it doesn’t go unnoticed that the smile she gives me is a little warmer and softer than what she gave the rest of the band.
It’s just for me.
“Hey. Thanks for inviting me tonight.”
“Did you find parking okay?”
“Yup. Your directions were perfect.”
“Good.”
“Yeah.”
We stand there, staring awkwardly at each other, and suddenly I have no idea how to continue the conversation. I didn’t have this problem the other night at the beach house, or any other night we’ve talked.
Why don’t I have any game with this woman?
Because I can’t sleep with her. She’s just a friend.
Scratching the back of my neck, I point to a couch in the corner that we use for friends and family to watch the show from backstage if they want to. “Uh, you want to sit here for the show? Or we’ve got some seats reserved out front.”
“I’ll probably have a better view from out front, right?”
“Yeah.”
She smiles, a slow and sweet smile that makes my gut clench with want. “Okay, then show me the way, Mr. Rock Star.”
I quickly point out her spot and get Stu, one of the backstage guys, to walk her to the seat since I can’t go out there or I’ll be swarmed.
I don’t watch from behind the curtain to make sure she gets to her seat safely. I also don’t watch her hips sway as she walks away, and I definitely don’t groan when she licks her lips and laughs at something Stu says when she gets to her seat.
Nope. I don’t do any of that at all.
Okay, so I do all of it. But I’m not acting on anything, so I haven’t harmed our just friends status.
The show goes off without a hitch. The audience energy is at an all-time high, and we laugh more than we have at our past couple of shows almost entirely due to the great audience. By the time the show ends, I’m drenched in sweat but feeling high on life.
I’ve never done drugs, but this is always what I imagine the high feels like. Sometimes, I can even understand why my mom chose it over us. It’s fucking addicting.
But then Becka walks backstage, her smile bright enough to light our entire show, and I realize I can’t understand my mom at all. Because this high? It’s nothing compared to what Becka makes me feel.
Adding the two together? It’s fucking dangerous. It makes me want things I know I shouldn’t. It makes me want to say, “fuck it” and kiss her hard, making up for our horribly sloppy first kiss when we were fifteen.
“You guys! That was amazing! I have goosebumps from how good you were.” Becka holds her arm out and sure enough, little goosebumps sprinkle her skin. Kasen wraps his arm around her neck and pulls her head against his soaked shirt, and I have to laugh at the disgusted face she makes, even if it pisses me off that he touches her so freely.
I told them she was off-limits. Kasen needs to cut that shit out.
“Kase, you fucking stink.” She pushes out of his hold, and he throws his head back in a boisterous laugh.
“Part of the gig. No one said it was glamorous. This is the sign of a hard night’s work. Now it’s time to let loose and celebrate.”
Miles and I exchange a look, both of us still worried about Kasen and whether or not he’s using drugs again.
“Well, don’t let me keep you from your shower, because you definitely need it,” Becka says, her voice light and teasing, even if her nose is still wrinkled and her lips slightly pursed to suggest she’s not entirely joking.
“Give me ten minutes and then I want to show you something,” I tell her, nerves swirling in my belly because I’ve never told anyone besides the band about my post-show tradition.
“Okay. I’ll wait here with Robbie and Jo.”
“So, where are we going?”
“It’s just around the corner.”
I look over in time to see Becka look out the window at the residential neighborhood, her expression curious. Hopefully she doesn’t think I’m lame that I don’t go straight to an after-party after each show. After two more blocks, I turn right and stop in front of a local park.
Becka turns to me, a question in her eyes.
“Like the other guys, my body is always buzzing with adrenaline after a show. Tristan blows off steam by finding a random hookup. Kasen parties, and Miles usually smokes some weed and hangs out with whoever’s available or goes home and watches a comedy special. I do this.”
“Come to a park at night like a creeper?” she asks hesitantly.
I can’t help but laugh at that. It does seem a little weird. “Come on, I’ll show you.” We get out of the car, and I grab her hand as we walk toward the playground. I don’t even think about the action, but it feels right the minute her hand is enfolded in mine.
“No one’s ever around after our shows since it’s so late. I have the whole place to myself,” I explain to her. “There’s always a park in every city we go to, so it’s something I can do anywhere we go. But it has to have one specific trait.”
“What’s that?”
“A swing set,” I say with a huge grin and pull her directly to two swings.
We sit down, and I immediately push off and kick my legs back working on building up my momentum until I’m going higher and higher, matching the adrenaline still thrumming steadily through me. Becka swings gently next to me, her eyes watching me intently.
“I swing as high as I can go and then…” Using the momentum I’ve built up, I swing high and jump off when I reach the highest point. My feet land with a thud against the bark mulch, and I throw my hands up in the air like I’m some kind of Olympic gymnast who just stuck his landing. I turn around to face Becka, my heart in my throat expecting her to laugh at me, even as the adrenaline from the show still simmers in my system.
Becka’s green eyes are soft as she stares at me. Something shifts in her gaze, and suddenly the air between us feels charged. Then she smiles, and I release the breath I hadn’t even realized I was holding.
She isn’t laughing at me. She’s looking at me thoughtfully, but her smile holds no judgment.
“When did you start doing this?”
I shrug and walk back to my swing, catching it and sitting down, joining her in a soft sway as we talk. “It was after high school, but I can’t pinpoint the first time I did it. It’s been too many years. Before I started doing this, I would feel really restless after a show—like I had all this energy and no idea what to do with it.”
“Seems like it’d be very rock and roll to do drugs and have sex.”
“Probably, but I’ve never done drugs and…” Fuck, I don’t want to admit this to her, but I also don’t want to lie to her or hold anything back. Rubbing my shoulder and fighting my embarrassment, I confess, “I might’ve done the sex thing when we first started getting attention. I got wrapped up in everything, and it took me a while to get my head straight. Fame kind of fucks with you. Suddenly you have all these people who give you attention and want to be around you, hear what you have to say. It’s not until something serious happens that you realize how fake it all is. I’m not proud it took Kasen’s downward spiral for all of us to realize that no one actually cared about us—not really. They cared about what we could do for them.”
“That’s sad,” she says softly.
I nod. It is sad, but it’s the truth. Rock stars are only as valuable as their next big hit.
I lean my head on the chain holding the swing and look at her. It’s dark, but there are enough streetlights nearby to show her face clearly.
“I’ve never told anyone outside the band about this,” I confess. She looks at me, and I gesture to the playground. “You’re the first. I know people would think it’s silly and childish, but that’s kinda the point. My mom never took us to the park growing up. She was always too high. And since Tristan is two years younger, I always felt like I needed to look out for him, so I never felt like I got to be a kid. But this…” I glance around, taking in the park and the swings before my gaze lands on her. “This is my chance to be silly and act like a little kid with no one around to judge me.”
“Have the guys ever come with you?”
I shake my head, my eyes never leaving hers.
“So, just me then?”
My voice gets soft and low and catches in my throat before I can finally say the words, afraid that maybe our friendship isn’t advanced enough for me to be this vulnerable with her. “Just you.”
She reaches her hand out, and I immediately take it in my own. She squeezes it gently, her hand soft against mine. “So, should we see who can swing the highest?”
A grin stretches my cheeks, and my heart soars. “You’re on.”