The smell of maple and bacon wafts through the air, and my stomach gurgles in complaint that I still haven’t eaten.
“Fuck, that French toast looks divine,” Gwen says from beside me as our waitress places a plate in front of me. The eggy bread is drenched in butter, syrup, and powdered sugar, and I can’t wait to eat every last bite.
The waitress drops off the rest of the plates, and we all dive in. Clearly we were all hungry because silence reigns supreme as we eat, and it isn’t until most of us are halfway finished that Beth finally puts her fork down, clasps her hands on the table, and stares at each of us in turn.
“Are we finally going to address the elephant at the table, or are we still pretending it’s not there?”
My brows furrow in confusion, and I wait for her to elaborate. She looks pointedly at Gwen and then Lainey before staring me down. “We know something’s going on with you. Lainey won’t tell us what it is, but it’s obvious to anyone who knows you that you aren’t okay.”
My cheeks flood pink with embarrassment. Have I been that obvious? I know I should’ve told them sooner about Trent. I mean, hell, these women are my best friends. But the truth was I needed time to sort out my feelings. Although I don’t know if I’ve done much sorting. It’s still more avoiding than anything else. But clearly I can’t keep it from them any longer.
I glance at Lainey and give her a silent thank you with my eyes. She knows some of what’s going on. Not a ton of details, but enough to know it’s about a guy, and Trent in particular.
“I was seeing someone, well sorta not really. It’s complicated.”
“Do we need to beat him up? If you need our help burying a body, I just need to stop by a hardware store and buy a shovel and some rose bushes,” Gwen says.
“Why rose bushes?” Beth asks.
“So the police won’t be on to us. I can’t just buy a shovel—that’s obviously sketchy—but if I buy a shovel so I can plant the rose bushes, then I’m all good.”
“That is strangely logical,” Beth responds while I fight against the urge to laugh at Gwen.
“No burying of bodies will be necessary. It wasn’t like that. We were friends, we crossed a line, and now we’re nothing.” My voice catches on the last word, belying my statement.
Although it’s the truth. We aren’t anything anymore. I know it’s my fault. We could’ve stayed friends if I could get over my hurt, but I just can’t. Maybe in time. Maybe years from now after I’ve met someone else, the memory of Trent won’t weigh quite so heavily on my heart.
But now is not that time. Especially since even the idea of a future with someone else makes my heart hurt so painfully in my chest, I’m convinced this must be early signs of a heart attack.
“We’re worried about you,” Gwen says gently from beside me. She places her hand on my arm and gives me a soft, caring smile. “You’re working crazy hours, and while you look great physically, you have dark bags under your eyes, and you rarely smile anymore.”
“I smile,” I say and glance over to Lainey so she can back me up, but I’m only met with her sympathetic gaze.
“You haven’t smiled at these brunches in months,” Lainey says, her voice soft like she’s trying to soothe a sick puppy.
That can’t be right. I smile all the time. Don’t I?
Beth and Gwen sit in their chairs both looking a little nervous and a lot worried. God, I’ve been such a shit friend lately. “I’m sorry. I didn’t realize.”
“It’s okay. We’re just worried about you. Will you tell us what’s going on?”
Reluctantly, I do. It’s easier telling them the story than it was telling my mom, probably since more time has passed and it doesn’t feel quite as fresh, even if the pain still lingers. By the time I’m done, both Gwen and Beth have tears in their eyes on my behalf, and Lainey watches me with a thoughtful expression on her face.
“I’m so sorry you’ve been dealing with this all by yourself, Becka,” Beth says.
“It’s okay. I think I needed to process it for a while before I talked about it. I’m sorry I kept it from you guys.”
“We get it. Heartbreak sucks. That offer to bury him if you need it still stands. I don’t care how famous he is,” Gwen says, causing us all to burst into a fit of laughter.
“There it is,” Gwen says with a wide smile.
“What?” I ask her.
“Your smile. It’s been a long time since we’ve seen it.” I feel the pull of my cheeks and realize she’s right. I’m smiling, and my cheeks feel stretched like they haven’t smiled this wide in a long time.
“Thank you,” I tell her softly.
We wrap up brunch, and Gwen and Beth head their separate ways. Lainey walks with me to my car since hers is parked near mine. She didn’t speak much at brunch, and I’m wondering what her thoughts are on all of this.
“So, you got any advice for me, oh, wise older sister?”
She stares at the street in front of us. “Did I ever tell you what happened between me and Owen?”
“Owen Bishop? No, you didn’t.”
“Mmhmm,” she smiles faintly, though it doesn’t reach her eyes, before her gaze drops to the sidewalk. “He was the first boy I ever loved, and probably the best thing I’ve ever had. I used to laugh at the mean girls at school because I knew they were going to peak in high school while I had my whole life in front of me. I was going to get out of Texas and do something important. Then I fell for a boy whose family is so embedded in our small town that it’s named after them. A boy whose entire future was rooted in that small town.”
She faces me, and her eyes are a little manic. “I knew what my future held if I stayed, so I chose to leave because I wanted to do more. I went to UT and expected him to stay in Bishop Ridge and work for his dad, but he followed me. We stayed together all through college, and when we graduated, he proposed.”
“Wait, what?! How did I not know this?”
Her eyes get teary, and her voice gets hoarse as she explains, “Because I turned him down. I told everyone we broke up because we wanted different things, but that was only partially true. He wanted to marry me and start a family, and while I loved him and wanted those things too, I didn’t want them in Bishop Ridge, and his dad was pressuring him to come home and take over the family business. I knew if I asked him to come with me instead of moving back home, he would, but at what cost? And all I could think was that someday he’d come to resent me, or worse, leave me. So I let him go.”
Tears stream quietly down her face one at a time, and she grips both my upper arms forcing me to look at her. “I let my own insecurities ruin the best thing I’ve ever had and the truest love I’ve ever known. I don’t want that for you, Becks. Talk to Trent. Clear the air before it really, truly is too late. I don’t want you to live with the same kind of regrets that I do.”
My heart breaks for all the pain my sister has quietly endured, and my own tears fall down my face as we hug each other on the middle of a sidewalk in Santa Monica.
For two women who don’t cry that much, we’re doing an awful lot of crying, but her words keep ricocheting in my head, and I know she’s right. I need to do something.
The problem is I’m scared, and every time I’ve attempted to respond to one of his texts, I freeze. It’s like my entire body shuts down, unable to do anything until I put the phone down.
It’s later that night when I’m lying in bed, begging my brain to stop thinking about Trent so I can finally go to sleep, when I remember something Lainey said to me. She let Owen go before he could leave her.
My past filters through my mind like a movie, each boyfriend or romantic encounter being seen for the first time with a new lens. How many times have I dumped a guy before he could dump me? And regardless of who dumped who, I always acted like they were dead to me the moment we were done. Even with Brad. I ignored him for weeks, only interacting with him at work if I was forced to, but he might as well have been a nameless temp for all I cared at that point.
Am I doing the same thing—to a different degree—with Trent?
The realization settles deep in my bones as I realize I might need professional help to get over this one.