In this chapter:
Parenting is tough enough without all the natural clashes, isn’t it? Add the inevitable temperament differences, and life gets really intense. Perhaps you can identify with these families who have found hope and humor in the clashing personalities God put together:
Ewald is an eight-year-old Box-Palm. His mom is a Boxwood Tree. When they both wake up a little grumpy, and Mom has been up since 5:00 a.m. to get the family set for school and work, life gets a little sour. Fortunately, Dad has a Palm Tree side to his personality and knows how to wake up little Ewald in a way that gets him up on the Palm Tree side of the bed: Some mornings he storms into the room, yelling, “The Philistines are upon you!” Or he pretends to look for Ewald’s head on the other end of the bed, asking why he is all turned around. Sometimes he uses funny ringtones or songs on the cell phone to bring out Ewald’s Palm Tree side, and the morning is saved!
Sometimes children can be three tree types rolled into one, like three-year-old Katie. She is a Contra-Rose (the term we use for those who are everything but Rose Bush). Katie has the peaceful Pine, the performer Palm, and the perfectionist Boxwood inside her. One day she got upset when her parents wouldn’t let her drink from the dog’s water bowl. She threw her own version of a tantrum by standing right next to her mom with her face against the wall, silent, but with tears streaming down her face. Katie doesn’t do throw-down tantrums, but when she’s upset, she makes sure there’s someone around to witness her sulking.
A Saturday morning can get interesting when Mom and Dad have opposite ideas of fun, as one family recently told me: The Contra-Pine dad (Rose Bush, Palm Tree, and Boxwood combined) planned an early morning mountain-bike outing for the family. His idea of fun was to wake at 5:00 a.m. to be on the mountain by six. Naturally, he didn’t think it was funny when his three-year-old Palm Tree, Emil, came shuffle-dancing down the hall wearing all the pairs of underwear he could get his hands on, covering his legs from the floor up to his bottom! This was his idea of Saturday fun—cheering up the household with his antics. All Dad saw was a delay in his plans.
Pine-Rose Mom’s idea of weekend fun is sleeping in and waking up to coffee and a fresh newspaper, so her underwear-shuffle-dancing son didn’t amuse her either. It only meant that the floor would be decorated with an assortment of undies for her to pick up later. Pine-Rose teen Mikael woke up to spot his underwear among Emil’s collection and realized that Emil had crossed the holy boundary into his room. Cue the questions: “What is wrong with you?! What part of boundary don’t you understand?” Mikael demanded that his underwear be sterilized before he would ever wear it again!
All this commotion woke up Pine Tree Etienne, a preschooler with autism. He wondered what on earth was going on with his people, then concluded that Mikael, who doesn’t like hugs, definitely needed a long hug. (Mikael’s reaction to this is unfit for publication in a Christian parenting book.) Youngest brother Peter, a highly excitable Box-Palm, was fortunately still asleep. As Emil’s faithful apprentice, he undoubtedly would have cracked up at the sight of his older brother wearing all that underwear and probably would have found some more underpants and joined the shuffle-dance party.
Contra-Pine Dad was quick to see his 6:00 a.m. adventure flying out the window, realizing that “family bonding” was probably not the best idea at that moment. Pine-Rose Mom exclaimed that if only everyone had decided to sleep in, none of this would have happened!
In more than 60 percent of adults and children, temperament is a combination of two tree types. Often the types are related—for example, both are task oriented or both are energetic and driven—but sometimes there is extreme diversity within one person. And on occasion this can be confusing.
If, for instance, one-half of my son’s temperament is outgoing (Palm Tree) and the other half is a bit shy (Pine Tree), whether he is spirited or shy will depend on his unique combination and the situation. He will possibly appear to be more of a Palm Tree in familiar surroundings, such as at home with his family, and more of a Pine Tree at school. If, however, he is the youngest child and dominated a bit by his brothers, he may seem more like a Pine Tree at home and perhaps express his Palm Tree traits at school.
When your children’s temperaments are a combination of tree types, familiarize yourself with all the types and deal with each characteristic separately, instead of searching for a different label. If you have a sapling who doesn’t look like any of the combinations outlined below, it simply means that you have a sapling with more diverse features.
Between 7 and 10 percent of children and adults have a combination of three tree types in their temperament mixture. The information from the previous chapters also applies to them. For instance, if you have a Contra-Boxwood child (everything but Boxwood Tree), you may deal with your child’s aggressive outbursts according to the Rose Bush chapter, have serious conversations with her according to the Pine Tree chapter, and find the discipline techniques for Palm Trees most effective.
Because combinations and ratios between the dominant temperament types can vary so much, your child might not be exactly like the description, but you may see many similarities. Your child’s individualized Tall Trees Kids Profile Report will give a much more thorough and accurate description.
Young Palm-Roses
Many parents agree that Palm-Roses are the naughtiest of the types by far because of their combined urge to discover and conquer. Unnecessary rules and control only worsen their behavior! Unless they have a creative teacher, these guys will have trouble doing “boring” schoolwork. They need active education if they are to excel academically.
I will try to put this as gently as possible: Palm-Roses are not very teachable when it comes to social graces. Their parents may find that it takes their Palm-Rose four or five years to master the manners their other children learned in just one year.
Manners are as slow to develop as self-control. But Palm-Roses usually develop physically more quickly than other tree types because they are constantly seeking new challenges. They are regularly testing and improving their own abilities. As a result, they often excel in demanding, aggressive, and contact sports.
They enjoy control and attention equally. They can reason effectively from an early age and will alternate charm and anger to get what they want.
Palm-Roses usually want to do everything and participate in all that life offers. Of course, they also want to be the best at everything! Unfortunately, they don’t have the same follow-through as the Box-Roses, making many of their pursuits flashes in the pan.
Palm-Roses can be loud and impulsive, may lack self-control, and more than any other children can embarrass their parents by blurting out personal remarks. While I was pregnant with my third child, a young dad recognized me on a beach and approached me with a remark about my first parenting book and how it helped him discipline his Palm-Rose four-year-old, who promptly disproved it by pointing and exclaiming, “Look at her fat, fat belly!” Palm-Roses can completely take charge of social situations because they are charming leaders. But they need help finding the right balance between bossiness and teamwork.
Many bullies are Palm-Roses who are ruled with an iron fist at home, then want to take back control somewhere else. Or they get so little attention that they yearn for any reaction, however negative it may be.
Palm-Rose teenagers can be the rudest of all unless they have been trained to respect other people’s feelings.
In addition, young Palm-Roses:
Young Box-Palms
Box-Palms are more of an emotional challenge than a disciplinary one because they are a combination of two emotional tree types. They require a lot more attention and encouragement than Pines and Rose Bushes and need to be handled with great empathy and patience. Because they want to please other people so much, they can simply be compliant in return for love. We need to ensure that they understand not only what we expect but also why it is the right behavior.
Their intense need for acceptance makes them overly sensitive at times, and the slightest angry look or harsh word can upset them.
Because Box-Palms are often melodramatic and fond of words, they make excellent actors, storytellers, motivational speakers, writers, and poets.
Usually when parents complain that they can’t identify their child’s type and can say only that she is “confusing,” the child has this combination. Owing to the contradictions in this combination, the child can behave so differently from day to day that the parents can never predict how the child will act. Box-Palms can moan, rejoice, giggle, nag, and pull a long face in surprisingly quick succession. However, if we can remember to treat them like Palm Trees when they are happy but like Boxwoods when they are sad, it will be less confusing, and we’ll help them regulate how they feel.
In addition, young Box-Palms:
Young Pine-Palms
Pine-Palms have the potential to be the most forgetful, absentminded, and careless of all—absolute dreamers on another planet. They have the least inner drive, but because of this they are also often the most compliant. They care what other people think of them and like to keep their parents happy. Pine-Palms can be easy to rear (only needing “the look” sometimes), except for the challenge of instilling a sense of responsibility in them.
They usually want to rest or play, one of the two. The tongue-in-cheek saying “Who wants to stand if you can sit, and who wants to sit if you can lie down” probably originated from their neck of the woods. Work is not likely their first priority!
Pine-Palms can have short attention spans and are often labeled with attention deficit disorder. (They are not usually as prone to being hyperactive as Rose-Palms may be.)
The Pine-Palm’s greatest need is for peace and happiness. They experience harsh discipline as disapproval and rejection, and because they have such trouble dealing with conflict, verbal or physical violence at home can devastate them.
A Box-Rose mother (performance driven) burst into tears at one of my seminars when she discovered both her children were fun-loving Pine-Palms. “They won’t get anywhere in life!” she cried out, upset. When I told my husband this, his answer (also being a Pine-Palm) was: “Tell her we don’t care how far Box-Roses get in life, and we hope they never come back, because they’re party poopers!”
Pine-Palms also:
Mom: How was school today?
Joshua: It was good.
Mom: Who did you play with?
Joshua: I played with Jacques and Stefan and Hanno and Louwrens and Viljoen and Jordaan and Ruben … and everyone.
Mom: What about Alissa? Did you play with her?
Joshua: I played with her the day before yesterday, and I will play with her again another day.
Young Pine-Roses
These little kids often appear to be more mature than average because they are the most rational (and also the least emotionally challenging) of all the combination types.
Pine-Roses are, however, probably the most stubborn of all the temperament types because they have the Rose Bush urge to be in control and the Pine Tree tendency to be obstinate. They usually create an impression of independence because they want to do their own thing on their own, and they reject supervision or help.
The Pine Tree typically cancels out the explosive nature of the Rose Bush to such an extent that Pine-Roses have good control over their emotions, which may make them seem aloof and hard to read.
In addition, young Pine-Roses:
Young Box-Roses
Box-Roses are often achievers because of their determination and their ability to think of details and the ultimate goal.
They are also often critical and may demand the best from everyone—as they do from themselves. Unfortunately, this means they can be blind to their own mistakes when it suits them.
Box-Roses can be plagued by fears and worries, which usually stem from those things they can’t control. Four-year-old Pierre has the same serious prayer request every night: “Mommy, please pray that I won’t have to watch bad stories in my eyes tonight!”
Their hugs and kisses may be scarce, and the parents can easily feel as if their children don’t like them. But touch is simply not their main language of love. They thrive on compliments, appreciative words, and increasing responsibilities as they grow older. They will experience this as love too.
Box-Roses have a strong will from day one. At only three months, Box-Rose Leilani demonstrated her strong will by crying every time her aunt asked her if she would go to sleep. She cooperated as long as the word “sleep” was not involved in her bedtime routine. Any other conversation was welcomed with sweet baby sounds.
Box-Roses are determined to do what they learned is the best course of action, as feisty little Nika, age four, demonstrated. Nika’s parents taught her to scream and kick and punch around if someone ever grabbed her and held her tightly. However, they failed to mention that the appropriate list of recipients for such violence did not include her grandpa! When she was visiting her grandparents for a week, all by herself like the independent young lady she is, she got so upset about something that her grandpa picked her up and held her tightly to help her settle down. Nika’s programming kicked in, and she gave her grandpa a sudden whack that nearly knocked him off his feet. She continued to kick and hit, while yelling to boot. Isn’t that what Mommy said to do?
Box-Roses also:
Young Box-Pines
These double introverts can be the dreamiest combination because of their low energy levels and extremely calm nature. The less one expects of them, the more relieved they are. Box-Pine Timmy, four years old, had a fever. When his mom told him he was very hot, his remark was quite positive. “Yay! I don’t have to go to school.”
They can be musical or artistic (usually when the right brain is dominant), but they don’t like performing onstage. When they are left-brain dominant, they are technical or scientific in their thinking. A classic example is a Box-Pine friend of mine (who happens to have both the scientific and the musical gifts of this combination) who took his eight-year-old Box-Pine son (a trains, planes, and automobiles type of Box-Pine who’d rather watch machines move) to the theater, fully aware that it would not be a highlight. The boy never complained but slept through the concert. When his mom asked if he enjoyed it, the diplomacy that is so typical of this combination tree type came out faultlessly. “With all the beautiful lullabies that man sang, I just couldn’t stay awake!”
Box-Pine saplings also:
Determine how well you understand grafted trees by choosing the right answer to each of these questions. The answers appear at the end.
1. Which grafted tree type is Oprah? Think about her success as a businesswoman and her unbeatable talent as an interviewer. She inspires and influences millions of people worldwide to believe in their dreams and realize them. She doesn’t cling to the past—she focuses on contemporary matters.
a. Box-Pine
b. Palm-Rose
c. Pine-Palm
d. Box-Rose
2. Which grafted tree type was Esau? He was a hunter and a nature lover. Think of his impulsive exchange of his birthright for some lentil stew. When Jacob stole his blessing on top of this, he was angry, but he didn’t want to commit murder while his father was still alive. He didn’t even attempt to follow Jacob. Later, he was so happy to see his brother again that he embraced him in tears, gave him gifts, and immediately forgave him.
a. Box-Pine
b. Palm-Rose
c. Pine-Palm
d. Box-Rose
3. Which combination of three tree types was Joseph? He divulged all his dreams, was apparently comfortable in his stand-out clothing, and stayed optimistic throughout his hardships. He was trusted with many responsibilities by all his superiors because of his work ethic. He had exceptional leadership and strategic abilities. He was very emotional when he was reunited with his brothers, but he was also very strict with them. He manipulated them but eventually forgave them all their wrongdoings.
a. Contra-Pine (Boxwood, Rose Bush, and Palm Tree combined)
b. Contra-Palm (Boxwood, Rose Bush, and Pine Tree combined)
c. Contra-Boxwood (Rose Bush, Pine Tree, and Palm Tree combined)
d. Contra-Rose (Boxwood, Pine Tree, and Palm Tree combined)
4. Which grafted tree type is Bill Gates? He is one of the richest people in the world, thanks to his success with Microsoft, but he doesn’t have a very prominent public image. He has repeatedly defended the monopoly of his company successfully, and he is a philanthropist who without any fanfare appropriated millions of dollars for fighting AIDS and tuberculosis in Africa, among other ventures. He is rational and known for his excellent conflict-resolution skills.
a. Box-Pine
b. Palm-Rose
c. Pine-Palm
d. Pine-Rose
5. Which sapling is grafted into a Palm Tree if the grafted tree is a disciplined athlete who practices come rain or shine?
a. Rose Bush
b. Boxwood Tree
c. Pine Tree
6. Which grafted tree type will likely be most devastated by their parents’ divorce?
a. Pine-Rose
b. Box-Rose
c. Palm-Rose
d. Box-Pine
Answers: 1b, 2c, 3a, 4d, 5a, 6d.