Parents often fear that any punishment, and especially spanking, may be traumatic. I once heard someone explain it this way: If you walk into the kitchen, put your hand on a red-hot stove plate, and burn it, you won’t be traumatized, just burned. If, however, the stove comes to your room in the middle of the night and blisters you in your bed, then you’ll be traumatized!
Punishment is not equal to trauma. Predictable consequences are the key. Unpredictability causes trauma. Someone once told me that, as a child, he prayed each morning that his mother would be a witch that day. It would be less traumatic than wondering every day who he would have to deal with—his mother the witch, or his mother the angel. This child was spanked less often than I was, but his “spankings” came in the form of unexpected slaps across the face. Usually he had no idea what he had done wrong. That is trauma. The spankings I received as a child, however, were predictable. I knew what was coming because I was punished for willful disobedience. That was never traumatic and always well deserved.
Read Proverbs 20:30.
Blows and wounds scrub away evil, and beatings purge the inmost being. (NIV)
Blows that wound cleanse away evil; beatings make clean the innermost parts. (NRSV)
Stripes that wound scour away evil, and strokes reach the innermost parts. (NASB)
A good thrashing purges evil; punishment goes deep within us.
Consider the following questions:
Would you agree that less than half of the misbehaviors mentioned above fall in the categories of “evil” and “willful defiance”? Only when a person knows exactly what is expected, has the skills and maturity to act appropriately, and still makes a decision to do the wrong thing, fully knowing that it is wrong, will I confidently say that the person has acted with evil intent. Every other behavior may be better met with training, empathy, professional help, and patient guidance.
Parents who have never spanked their children, and are proud of how their children have turned out, may have raised kids who never displayed dangerous, illegal, or intentionally defiant behavior, or the parents don’t view rebellion as a serious matter in their own or in their children’s lives. The parents may put a high premium on assertiveness and confidence and may have felt that defiance was simply the evidence of these traits in the making.
Read Proverbs 23:13–14 and 29:15–17 and Hebrews 12:7–11.
Don’t be afraid to correct your young ones; a spanking won’t kill them. A good spanking, in fact, might save them from something worse than death.
Do not withhold correction from a child, for if you beat him with a rod, he will not die. You shall beat him with a rod, and deliver his soul from hell. (NKJV)
The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child who gets his own way brings shame to his mother.… Correct your son, and he will give you comfort; he will also delight your soul. (NASB)
Wise discipline imparts wisdom; spoiled adolescents embarrass their parents.… Discipline your children; you’ll be glad you did—they’ll turn out delightful to live with.
A rod and a reprimand impart wisdom, but a child left undisciplined disgraces its mother.… Discipline your children, and they will give you peace; they will bring you the delights you desire. (NIV)
Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father? If you are not disciplined—and everyone undergoes discipline—then you are not legitimate, not true sons and daughters at all. Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of spirits and live! They disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. (NIV)
For the time being no discipline brings joy, but seems sad and painful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness [right standing with God and a lifestyle and attitude that seeks conformity to God’s will and purpose]. (AMP)
After you have considered these and other scriptures, discuss the following statements with your spouse or another parent. Make up your mind about your beliefs, so you will be consistent in your actions.
Pro-spanking views:
Uncertain and anti-spanking views:
Should spanking be illegal?
Many who oppose corporal punishment accuse Solomon (and God) of cruelty and want to proverbially throw out the “corporal punishment” baby with the Old Testament bathwater. However, Proverbs is a book of wisdom, full to the brim with lessons in self-control, gentle words, compassion for others, and confirmation that anger is foolishness. It is in this context that spanking appears. It should go without saying that the Bible doesn’t give us the right to do any of the following: grab a rod without thinking, spank other people’s children, punish a child in anger, hit until you feel better, spank in retaliation, punish a child for behavior that was not intentional, give a spanking without explaining to the child what you are doing and why, spank in a humiliating way by pulling down a child’s pants for example, or punch with fists, give a child a shove against the chest, or slap a child in the face.
These scriptures address parents’ fear of a correct spanking. They also reassure parents that painful discipline within the context of a healthy parent-child relationship doesn’t harm a child; in fact, spanking could protect our children from far worse consequences. Why do you think the aspect of protection is pertinently emphasized? I believe it’s for the reasons listed below. Discuss these statements with another parent until you are sure of your own convictions:
There are many differences between parents who abuse their children and parents who advocate a biblical spanking.
Abusive parents are usually uninvolved, indulgent, emotionally detached from their children, and uninterested in good parenting practices. They don’t like being included in the daily needs and nurturing of their children, and when their children frustrate them, they are likely to overreact.
Research has found that child abusers seldom touch their children lovingly; there is little contact except for the abuse. These parents often lack insight and resources. Because of circumstances, a lack of support, and their own childhood wounds, they may see their children as an emotional, physical, financial, and practical burden that can be alleviated through abuse (for example, shaken if they cry too much). They may see children as property that they can treat as they wish (“I brought you into this world, and I will take you out of it if you don’t do what I say!”). Physical violence doesn’t occur in isolation but is part of a pattern of abuse that may include verbal aggression, neglect, and sexual abuse perpetuated by these parents from experiences they grew up with.
Parents who intentionally follow a biblical approach to parenting, on the other hand, are usually involved parents who know the importance of emotional bonds with their children. They see their children as treasured gifts or loans for which God will hold them accountable. Their church community expects them to take their parenting task seriously. Those among them who spank their kids for disobedience believe that in doing so they are acting obediently toward God and trust that the promises of the Lord regarding the fruit of parental discipline will hold true. They make mistakes and may occasionally spank for misbehavior that doesn’t warrant punishment, but they are typically taught and guided by the church community in this respect. Additionally, they usually have access to courses, biblical resources, and parenting advice, making ignorance over abuse less likely to occur.
The studies I have read concerning the harm done by spanking didn’t look at the three most important factors simultaneously: the quality of the parent-child relationship, the type of behavior that was punished, and the exact manner in which the parent spanked the child. It should go without saying that even a mild spanking in anger from a disconnected parent for an accidental misstep would be harmful. That outcome cannot be generalized to predict harm to a child spanked calmly by an affectionate parent for playing with his dad’s laptop after being told that he would be spanked if he did. Children’s experience of punishment correlates with their experience of their relationship with their parents. A child who feels safe in a loving home will eventually perceive even a severe spanking with a leather belt as having had no psychological ill effect, while an abused child may experience even a rude word as a shattering humiliation.
Years ago I had an unfortunate incident at my aftercare center. The children were playing with rocks left over from renovations. Without thinking, I threatened to spank the child who dared to throw another stone. As I turned to walk to my office for a meeting, a defiant fourth grader, whom I will call Terrance, picked up a stone and hurled it at my car. Forty-five pairs of ears had heard my threat, and now forty-five pairs of eyes were on Terrance and me. I took him to my office, where I obviously did not keep anything to spank kids with. This was a place for kids at risk and the last thing they should experience is any form of violence.
I explained to Terrance that I wasn’t angry (though I may have felt otherwise had the rock not missed my car!). I said, “Terrance, I want you to know that you can always count on me. If I say I will help you, I will. If I say I will spank you, I will do that too. I am going to keep my promise because you knew what would happen and threw the rock anyway.” I constructed a creative plan and held true to my promise. I made the spanking count, knowing it would probably be the only one he ever got, because he clearly had never had one and said as much too.
Then I waited for his father, who was described to me as a “Napoleon,” to arrive with the police in tow. Nothing happened for weeks. Then, one morning, his mom called me. “I don’t know what happened between you and Terrance. He won’t tell me, but this morning I decided that I’ve now had enough of my husband’s abuse. I told Terrance we needed someone to help us get to a place of safety. He told me to call you. He said if you promise to help us, you will keep your promise.”
If that spanking was abuse, why would Terrance think I could help him and his mom flee domestic violence? Laws that equate everyone’s experiences fail to acknowledge these distinctions that even a fourth grader can understand. If we want spanking to be made illegal because some parents spank excessively or for the wrong reasons, we should also make hugging and kissing our children illegal because of the actions of pedophiles. A law against spanking in a family context will not prevent bad parenting; it will only prevent good parents from acting wisely. Parents who have self-control and who have the best interests of their children at heart are not the problem. Education for those who act abusively and who misunderstand childhood behavior would go much further to solving the problem.
Examine your spanking habits.
For what behaviors do you give a spanking, even if your child would not be spanked for them according to biblical principles?
For what behaviors do you not give a spanking, even if the Bible recommends a spanking for your child?
Why do you feel your punishment works better for these behaviors than a spanking would?
Do you spank with calmness and control, or do you “lose it”? How might you stay calm when you discipline your child?
Which of the following messages will be conveyed by a controlled, calm spanking (C) and which ones by an angry spanking (A)? Indicate them and contemplate how you could change your way of spanking.
Your behavior is unacceptable. C/A
I am very angry now. C/A
I don’t like you. C/A
I will feel better after hitting you. C/A
I will feel the same whether I spank you or not, because it is not about me. C/A
I spank out of conviction. C/A
I spank to teach you something. C/A
I spank to hurt you. C/A
I still love you. C/A
I love you when you behave and hate you when you misbehave. C/A
I punish you because I have to, even when I don’t feel like it. C/A
I don’t like punishing you. C/A
Think about the behaviors for which you unnecessarily give spankings, then write down an alternative for each of them. Remember that punishment is the answer to a small subset of misbehaviors, many of which your child may never display. Some children simply don’t defy (usually Pine Trees or Boxwoods who avoid conflict and mistakes, and Palms who are eager to please). Most undesirable behavior simply means the child needs better instruction.
Keep in mind that we as parents model God’s heart to our children. His training in our lives only rarely involves a painful intervention. It is mostly guidance through the voice of His Word and His Spirit—a kind Voice at that—that leads us back to the best path (Romans 2:4).