Elizabeth was not big into Twitter, but she did get alerts for Heather’s tweets. Good for Heather, she thought as she saw that her book launch had happened on target. She laughed at the title. She felt a little sorry for Heather’s one-percenter, Silicon Valley friends whose “mistakes” were featured in the book. How embarrassing, but probably some voyeuristic fun. Elizabeth hoped to get to it this weekend.
“Ms. Smith! I’m here, should I wait outside?” came an enthusiastic voice.
Right, thought Elizabeth. It was September, and the new class of associates had arrived. She was assigned a “Blake” as her mentee. Millennials had some really weird names. There was also a “Chase” and a “MacKensie.” Together, they sounded like an overpriced accounting firm.
“Come on in, Blake,” called Elizabeth.
“Thank you for taking the time to meet with me, Ms. Smith,” Blake said as she floated into the room. If she’d had on normal shoes, she would have been about five feet seven, but she was closer to five feet ten with her three-inch patent leather red stilettos. The shoes made Elizabeth wince. She had to concede, however, that Blake’s black pantsuit was beautiful and perfectly tailored.
“Please, call me Elizabeth,” insisted Elizabeth warmly. “Those are some shoes, Blake.”
“Oh, these.” Blake laughed. “I know the red is a little bright, but I read that wearing a sexy shoe tells the boys that you are confident and not afraid to take chances, but in your own uniquely feminine way. And if I’m doing something, I like to go all in, if you know what I mean.”
“Of course,” said Elizabeth, as she thought, If your goal is to go all in on looking like a stripper. She conceded that the thought was mean and a little unfair. Instead she said, “Just be sure you have something more comfortable at your desk. You will find that you are in for many late nights your first year.”
“I’ve got no problem with that,” said Blake. “But I assume you got my memo on my preferred work environment?”
“Sorry, no, I haven’t seen that,” replied Elizabeth, suppressing a laugh.
“That’s weird. I texted you a heads-up. Kenny gave me your number. Well, anyway, I want to be sure that I have some ability right away to work remotely so I can keep my balance.”
“Typically, we allow flexible work arrangements after you have been here a few years and learned the ropes,” explained Elizabeth, trying to keep her face as composed as possible. She really hoped Blake would try this routine on Joe. “And I prefer e-mail, not text, for work.”
“Oh, right, got it. No problem. I might need to keep a yoga mat here then!” she replied with a wink.
Was Blake flirting with her as well? Interesting strategy.
“Blake, maybe we should talk a little bit about what you can expect this year in terms of the actual work.”
“That sounds good, but I want to add one thing to the agenda,” said Blake, suddenly looking serious.
Wow, thought Elizabeth. This girl is a piece of work.
Blake continued, “I would like to brainstorm my master plan with you.”
“Your what?” asked Elizabeth. This time she couldn’t hide her amusement.
“My master plan. I’ve been thinking about it ever since I started following Heather Hall a few years ago. She’s so amazing.”
“Yes, she’s had a remarkable life,” Elizabeth agreed with a little smile.
“You were really lucky to know her,” said Blake. “I saw her posts on your Facebook.”
“Did you?” asked Elizabeth, wondering how Blake could see her Facebook. She made a mental note to change her privacy settings. “Well, this meeting is about you, not my old friends.”
“She has a new book out today. Did you know that?”
“I did actually,” Elizabeth replied. At least she was up to speed on this point.
“Well, I was offered the chance to review it in advance. Actually, I volunteered on her website. All I had to do was post a review on FLASH today. Anyway, the book is really great. But I guess we should be talking about me, right? Listen, Elizabeth, I want to be like Heather. No offense. I mean, your career is great, don’t get me wrong, but I want to take mine to the next level. To get there, you have to architect your life right at the start, like Heather says, and avoid the four key mistakes. I’m trying to make a master plan that will do that,” gushed Blake.
Elizabeth just sat there, unable to bring herself to interrupt Blake. This stuff was too good.
“For starters, I want to be sure I’m in a position to have my first baby soon like Heather recommends. I’m sure you agree.”
“Are you thinking about having a baby this year?” Elizabeth finally interjected with surprise. “It’s possible, of course, but you won’t be eligible for the full maternity leave until you have been with us a year.”
“Oh God, no!” Blake laughed. “I’m not even married yet. Actually, I don’t have the guy picked yet at all. I am not totally clear on the right guy to marry. You know, it’s really important that he sign off on the master plan. But I don’t want to marry a loser either who just wants to glom on. It’s definitely a problem.”
“Blake, I would strongly recommend you focus on being successful here for now,” said Elizabeth. “Marriage and motherhood will happen when they happen. And you might want to consider that your perfect man may want to have a say in the master plan.”
“I thought you might say that,” replied Blake. “But let’s be real. More than anyone, you know the importance of planning. I mean, after what happened to you. Everyone knows. After the book, I mean. Anyway, I think if you pick the right guy, he won’t ruin your plan. That is Heather’s whole point, really. We have to take total control of our lives and not let the boys boss us around.”
“Blake, what on earth are you talking about?” asked Elizabeth with confusion.
“Well, I know that Heather was talking about you in her book. I mean, she used your initial, ‘E,’ but it’s so obvious. And she basically confirmed it in her Facebook post today. I would have probably figured it out anyway.”
Elizabeth’s mind was racing. What had Heather written? Did Heather really write about her?
“Anyway, congrats on the baby. When are you due? It was probably hard to get pregnant again, right? You passed thirty-five at least five years ago. I’m not a stalker or anything. I just saw on your firm profile when you graduated law school. Anyway, so happy for you!”
“Blake, where exactly did you get the idea I was pregnant?”
Blake was looking at her like she was stupid.
“It was in Heather’s post today—didn’t you see it on your wall? Because you and I are friends, I saw it right away this morning. Don’t you get a notification from Facebook when something new goes up? I can help you change your settings to fix that.”
Good God. She had to end this conversation fast and get Blake out of her office. Preferably off her team if she could manage it. Blake appeared to be good at basic arithmetic. Maybe she could get her transferred to the tax team.
“Blake, you are misinformed. I’m not pregnant. And even if I was, it’s not something you and I would be discussing. In fact, you may find that providing fewer personal details at work will be advantageous as your career progresses,” said Elizabeth in an attempt to get control back over the conversation.
“I totally disagree! My generation is going to be totally open and authentic,” countered Blake with oblivious enthusiasm.
“Okay, Blake, it sounds like you have everything figured out,” said Elizabeth curtly, needing to make this conversation be over now. “Please let me know if there is anything else I can do to help you.”
“Unless you can get me a lunch date with Heather personally, I think I’m set for now.” Blake laughed as she crushed Elizabeth’s new carpet with her red stilettos on her way out. “Actually, I don’t really need Heather when I have my mom. She’s amazing. She’s more of my friend than my mom. She’s always gone to bat for me my whole life, know what I mean? No matter what I do, she’s always in my corner. I hope I can have as good a relationship with you as I have with her!”
Elizabeth made a mental note to expect a call from Blake’s mom after her first performance evaluation.
Elizabeth did her best to remain cool as Blake exited and then turned quickly to her computer. Where should she start? Blake had said something about a Facebook post today on Elizabeth’s wall. She clicked open her profile and started scanning. Okay, it looked like Heather had shared one of her own posts with Elizabeth.
From Elizabeth Smith’s Facebook Timeline
Heather Hall shared FLASH’s post
September 1 at 2:12 a.m. · San Francisco
Hi world! I’m sure you haven’t missed the release of my book since you are my closest family and friends. But just in case you are living under a rock, please don’t forget to read (and recommend!) my New York Times bestselling book, The Four BIG Mistakes of Women Who Will Never Lead or Win! (we debuted at number 5!). Special thanks for the inspiration from Elizabeth Smith, Carmen Jones, Martha Adams West, and Sara Beck. Your stories are helping women around the world navigate through the choppy waters of life!
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Your friend Blake Spears and 4,712 other people like this post.
Jane Smith Elizabeth, dear, is this your old friend from college? How nice that she remembers you! I’m going to order this for my book club—I have a famous daughter!
Okay, thought Elizabeth, so far, so good. But then she saw the note just below it.
Heather Hall –> Elizabeth Smith
September 1 at 2:14 a.m. · San Francisco
Hi, lady! So look, I know that your “story” isn’t quite right because you did finally get the family you wanted! The book was already set when you told me about the baby in June. I didn’t want to say anything because that would ruin the surprise! I hope it’s OK I’m putting this note here—I’m sure you must be showing by now, I mean considering how big you got with William. And you really should do more updates on your page! If I have time, you have time!
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Your friend Blake Spears and 22 other people like this post.
Blake Spears Elizabeth! I didn’t know you were pregnant—congrats. I’m so glad that you’re my mentor!
Jane Smith Elizabeth, you’re pregnant? Why is the mother always the last to know these things? I’ll call you tonight.
Oh my God. I never told Heather about the miscarriage, thought Elizabeth. How could she have forgotten? Martha’s tragedy— both of their tragedies—had swallowed her whole that week, and by the next week she was head down at work again.
Jesus. This was officially a grade-A clusterfuck. Where to start? Should she correct the record now at work before the damage spread? Or should she go home and read Heather’s book first? Why would Heather be writing about her anyway? Much less talking about her pregnancy? She was going to have a word with her old friend later today.
No, first she needed to quickly shut Blake up. Then her mom (ugh). Then get out of here and figure out how to fix Facebook.
How did Blake get to be her friend anyway? Did Elizabeth really say yes to that? She must have. Social media was a menace. She clicked on Blake’s profile and hit “unfriend” somewhat violently.
She turned next to her e-mail to send Blake a note. She noticed a new message from Kenny and clicked it open to be sure it wasn’t an emergency.
Joe and I tried to call you, but you didn’t answer. When you were doing that mommy thing at your son’s preschool this morning (Don’t be mad at Linda for telling me), Grey Corp. called about the draft merger document. When they couldn’t find you they called Joe. They needed someone to get on the phone with the target right away. Sorry, had to be done. Look, the client really likes you and wants you to stay on the account, but the client agreed with my suggestion that I take the lead in negotiations. Makes sense, especially since you are pregnant. Congrats, by the way! Blake gave me the heads-up. She said that you should be due around year-end (BTW, you don’t even look fat yet, so good on you). Don’t worry, I’ll be on hand to bring our deal over the finish line. We got your back!
Motherfucker. Project Greysteel was her deal. Now Kenny was in the driver’s seat because she had been away from her desk during the only three hours she had taken as personal time in months.
And it probably hadn’t taken Kenny more than two minutes to convince the client. Actually less than that. Just the time it took for him to say, “Elizabeth’s pregnant.” It didn’t matter that it wasn’t true. Even though she would make it clear that, no, she wasn’t pregnant, she knew whatever she said wouldn’t matter— the damage was already done. Joe wasn’t going to go back and fix it with the client (and accuse them of sexism?).
And the fact that the whole thing had gone down when she was at George’s preschool this morning really pissed her off too. She was also going to have to have another talk with her assistant, Linda, about the confidentiality of her schedule. After years of giving her a five-thousand-dollar gift card to Nordstrom at Christmas, she expected a little more loyalty.
The worst of it was that Elizabeth didn’t think her absence had been worth it at all. Those three hours were not what she would consider “quality time.” They were a blur of cleaning tables, disinfecting toys, and cutting out shapes for some future art project.
She couldn’t let this stand, she thought. She picked up the phone.
“Yep,” Joe answered.
“Joe,” she said, “I heard Kenny is taking over the deal.”
“Elizabeth, I know, but it’s what the client requested,” he gruffed suspiciously.
“Look, I think that happened because Kenny was misinformed that I am pregnant. I’m not,” Elizabeth informed him calmly.
“Sure, sure,” Joe said, and, after an awkward pause, added, “Look, we can’t go back now. But this won’t affect anything else. And you don’t know that the pregnancy thing had anything to do with anything. Don’t make negative assumptions. Anyway, can’t change horses now. Gotta go. Big call coming in. Talk later.”
As Joe hung up on her, Elizabeth sighed. This was a mess.
Elizabeth gathered up her things so that she could get the hell out of her office. She had a lunch date with Heather’s book.
Elizabeth needed to get to the privacy of her own home. She sped there and locked herself away in the study to see what Heather had committed to paper (or the permanent digital record, as it was, since her book was available for download today, immediately, worldwide).
She started with the full description:
This sure-to-be runaway hit is a must-have for all women looking to get ahead in a man’s world. FLASH executive Heather Hall has been there, done that—and so have her closest friends. Drawing on all their collective experience, she reveals a distinctive set of mistakes women make that ultimately sabotage their careers—and their lives.
They are:
Mistake #1: Opting Out.
Mistake #2: Ramping Off.
Mistake #3: Half-Assing It.
Mistake #4: Ignoring the Fertility Cliff.
She knew then with a sickening certainty that this book wasn’t a send-up of the first-class problems of Heather’s fancy friends. No, this was something very different.
After about thirty minutes with the book, it was clear to Elizabeth that Heather had done something very, very bad.
Heather had the nerve to sum up each of her four best friends’ journeys—every choice, every trade-off, every win, and every heartbreaking loss—under the heading of one of four “big” mistakes women make that sabotage their lives.
Elizabeth couldn’t decide which of the chapters was the worst. Her bashing of “C” for leaving behind a world of opportunity to live with a man she was certain was unfaithful to her? Her criticism of “M” for giving up her medical career to be “just a mom”? Her scolding of “S” for struggling because she was overcommitted at home and undercommitted at work? Or was it her warning not to end up like her best friend, “E,” unable to complete the family she wants because she planned badly?
Four mistakes. Nice and tidy. And devastating. Especially for Elizabeth. Her old roommate. The person Elizabeth thought would be there for her on the things that really mattered.
At least Heather had the decency to try to “anonymize” their names (well, at least until her incriminating Facebook posts). But Heather had not anonymized the facts, not even one little bit. Elizabeth’s whole life was bloodlessly detailed right there in Heather’s book under “Mistake Number Four.” As Elizabeth read “her” section, she felt all her old insecurities, the ones she worked hard to keep safely below the surface, bubble up and threaten to overwhelm her.
By about one in the morning Elizabeth was satisfied that she had taken in everything that Heather had put out there. It was time to break the news to the others. They would not be likely to read Heather’s book unprompted (Did Carmen or Sara read much at all these days?), and they needed to know what their friend had done.
She picked up her phone and started texting: DEFCON 5