Good Vibe Badass: Positive
Strategies for Dealing with
Challenging People & Situations

Tess Whitehurst

So you want to be a beacon of love and light but you don’t want to attract those who will mistreat you. You’d prefer to be friendly and approachable—maybe even sweet—but you don’t want to end up a doormat. You’d really like to see things in the most optimistic way possible, but you really wouldn’t like to gloss over mistreatment, swallow insults, settle for things that don’t feel right, or basically put up with anything that doesn’t serve you. You’re asking, “Hey, how do I stay positive and deal with challenging people and situations at the same time?” And you want answers.

In short, you want to be a good vibe badass.

In this article, we’ll build a solid framework on which to fly the sails of good vibe badassery. In essence, we’ll look at how to live every single day in a way that supports positivity, truth speaking, and effective personal boundaries.

It’s going to be fun! Are you excited? I am!

Everyday Good Vibeyness (Oh Yay, Another Day!)

First things first: a good vibe badass must cultivate everyday good vibeyness. You probably expected this, but in case you didn’t, please note that this is non-negotiable, so don’t try to argue. Resistance is futile.

The famed law of attraction (as stated by Abraham-Hicks) says, “That which is like unto itself is drawn.” Similarly, the threefold law states, “That which you send out [emotionally, physically, and energetically] comes back to you threefold [in some equal though non-identical form].” So to transform negativity and to attract positive people and situations into your sphere, you absolutely must start with yourself.

If you usually wake up and think sarcastically, “Oh great, here we go,” it’s important to put in the necessary time and effort so that you instead wake up and think, with a total lack of irony, “Oh yay, another day!” Maybe not in exactly those words, and maybe not every single day, but you’ll want to aim for something close.

It’s likely that you’ve read a lot of books on staying positive (there is certainly no shortage of them, some of which I have written myself), so I won’t go into too much detail here. Still, because it’s such a fundamental key to this whole topic, I would be remiss if I didn’t offer at least a couple of simple ideas for how to get and stay in a mainly positive momentum and flow.

So here they are: the first is for the morning and the second is for the evening. Try these for ten days straight and see if you don’t manifest far greater harmony and success in your relationships (and every other life area as well).

The Dance Party of One

Author Pam Grout, in her delightful book E Cubed, recommends playing a happy song in the morning (among others, she suggests “Celebration” by Kool and the Gang and “I Feel Good” by James Brown), pumping your fist several times, then dancing like you just scored a touchdown.

When your body moves in a happy, joyful, or confident way, your mind and emotions follow very quickly. (If you don’t believe me, just try it!) And then, because like attracts like, your outer world magically begins to shape itself according to these purposefully established inner conditions.

So choose a song or a collection of songs that vibrates in a way you immediately recognize as being particularly buoyant and joyful. Then put it on in the morning and dance as ridiculously as you possibly can, thrusting and grinding your pelvis generously and even making yourself laugh if possible.

I am so serious right now. I challenge you to do this faithfully for ten days in a row and NOT feel like life is almost unbearably precious and entertaining.

The “What Went Well” Exercise

Author and renowned psychologist Martin Seligman recommends writing down in the evening three things that went well over the course of your day and why. These things may be seemingly tiny (like drinking a delicious cup of coffee or hearing a great song on the radio), seemingly gigantic (like getting engaged), or anywhere in between. The “why” can be anything that lent itself to the event actually happening. For example, you may have had a delicious cup of coffee because the beans were organic and the water was cold. You may have heard that great song on the radio because you chose to turn on the radio and the DJ chose to play it. And, of course, you may have gotten engaged because your partner asked you and you said yes. This method is straightforward and clinically proven to be effective. But don’t take my word for it—try it! And then try it again, for at least ten days in a row.

Everyday Badassery (Oh Yay, Another Challenge!)

I just typed “badass definition” into Google and found “a tough, uncompromising, or intimidating person” and “a formidably impressive person.” Congruently, as an adjective, Google says that badass means “tough, uncompromising, or intimidating” or “formidably impressive.”

So, yes! That’s exactly what we’re going to be: good vibe badasses. Our boundaries are going to be light, bright, loving, and tough as nails. We are not going to compromise when it comes to our self-love, authentic expression, and personal freedom.

So, yes! That’s exactly what we’re going to be: good vibe badasses. Our boundaries are going to be light, bright, loving, and tough as nails. We are not going to compromise when it comes to our self-love, authentic expression, and personal freedom. We are going to intimidate the hell out of anyone who attempts to bully, mislead, or otherwise mistreat us—not with threats of violence or fear, but with relentless honesty, integrity, and calm inner strength. It won’t be our intention to intimidate, but intimidation will be a natural response in anyone with less-than-sterling intentions toward us. And impressive? You’d better believe it is going to be impressive.

Now, all of that may sound spectacular, but how do we actually get there?

Well, first of all, let’s consider the badass archetype. Specifically, let’s consider Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Even if you’ve never watched this TV show (which you should!), you likely know that the main character is a high school girl in possession of superpowers that allow her to fight and defeat vampires, demons, and all varieties of malevolent creatures. And since she’s so good at it, you can tell that she legitimately enjoys it. When a vicious foe appears, even if she is in a most dire situation, she gets a spring in her step and starts lightheartedly bantering as she fights. And when it’s been a while since she’s come upon any bad guys to fight, she gets restless and wishes something would happen so she could exercise her formidable (badass!) vanquishing abilities. (Finn the Human in the marvelous cartoon Adventure Time is another heroic character who actively looks for bad guys to defeat. Extra-credit good-vibe-badass homework: watch both these shows.)

To paraphrase, badassery is the mindset that reacts to challenges with positivity—joy even! You might truly say that when something that needs to be dealt with appears, a badass’s subtext would be, “Oh yay, another challenge!”

Here are the things all badasses know:

• Life would be boring and possibly even pointless without challenges.

• Every challenge contains an opportunity.

• Life throws us the challenges that will benefit us most to overcome.

• Even if a situation is difficult or unpleasant in some way, immersing ourselves in it fully will ultimately bring great rewards.

• Nothing is more satisfying than moving out of our comfort zone, even though, by definition, that means experiencing discomfort.

If you’re looking at these bulletpoints and thinking that you may not entirely be embodying your inner badass quite yet, don’t worry! Like good vibeyness, badassery is a habit, and when you make a point of practicing it, it gets easier and more natural over time.

Positive Self-Regard

I have discovered some serious perils and pitfalls of positive thinking, and one of the major ones is this: the belief that one should be (or at least that one should appear) perfect—spiritually, psychologically, or physically. This is a sure recipe for failure, so if it’s somewhere in your consciousness, weed it out! Of course, we all have a shadow of this belief to some extent, but the problem arises when we put a lot of stock in it and actually behave as if it’s true.

For example, as a spiritual writer and teacher, I have at times detected surprise when new friends or acquaintances discover that I’m sometimes filled with vitriol or jealousy or that I still have an unhealed wound from the past. Um, yeah, of course I do! Just like every single other human being. If I tried to convince myself or anyone else that I was this totally perfect little spiritual guru with no more lessons to learn, I would not only be full of crap, but also lonely and miserable. As the author Denise Linn often says on her radio show and writes in her books, “The soul loves the truth.” Putting on a show of perfection would be gravely insulting to my truth-loving soul.

Similarly, if you feel that you must conceal your challenges from others, or if you’re in denial about having any (i.e., if you’re concealing them from yourself ), then you’re going to want to change that if you’re truly interested in being a badass. After all, as Ana Brett and Ravi Singh say in their Warrior Workout yoga video, “What a warrior fights against is his or her own limitations.” How can you fight against your limitations if you’re busy putting on a show of not having any?

Let’s be clear. I am not recommending in any way that you beat yourself up for your limitations or imperfections. Quite the contrary! Instead, I recommend that you find them intriguing and exciting. “Oh yay, another challenge!,” remember? If, for example, you realize that you’re really jealous of a former high school friend because of all the success she appears to be having, you can get a kick out of it. You can think, “Wow, that is interesting! Now why would I feel jealous of someone else’s success when it clearly doesn’t hamper my ability to experience my own success? Fascinating! Now let’s see: what can I learn from this?” Then you might do some journaling and realize that there are some choices this person has made that you wish you had made. Maybe she moved to a city you’ve always wanted to live in or started a business like one you have fantasized about starting. Once you realize these things, you can act on your newly uncovered desires in some way. It might be scary, but it will be exciting! And you’ll find that the more you move toward your own bliss, the more the jealousy will dissipate. Then you’ll realize the jealousy wasn’t a flaw after all. It was actually a road sign pointing toward your power!

If you dig deep, you can also find hidden caches of power beneath health challenges, sexual blocks, and relationship disharmony. You can see this self-assessment as self-critical drudgery or you can see it as an exciting treasure hunt. It’s truly up to you.

If you dig deep, you can also find hidden caches of power beneath health challenges, sexual blocks, and relationship disharmony. You can see this self-assessment as self-critical drudgery or you can see it as an exciting treasure hunt. It’s truly up to you.

So, in much the same way the great therapists of the world treat their patients, get in the habit of looking at your own stuff with neutrality and positive self-regard. Don’t take anything personally—not even your personal challenges. Living in this way is one of the hallmarks of a true and abiding badass.

When it comes to people who challenge us, quite often they are mirroring back our shadow, or the things within us that we have not yet looked at honestly or made peace with. So it can be very helpful to take a bit of time to ask: What is it about this person that I have not yet examined within myself? What exactly bothers me about him or her, and is there any conceivable way that I possess these same traits and/or behaviors (or am afraid that I do)? If so, can I admit them, accept them, and surround them in the healing light of awareness and love?

Again, this isn’t self-criticism, it’s just good-spirited self-exploration.

Sterling Ethics and Integrity

It’s been said that life isn’t a fairy tale, but life and fairy tales definitely have some similarities. For example, so often in fairy tales, a decision to behave unfairly or disloyally—even in the tiniest of ways—tends to be the snag in someone’s scheme and can be the cause of their ultimate unraveling. Indeed, if you remain in the highest possible integrity in all your dealings—or at least if you do your best to do so—you will be a truly formidable opponent. Your honest assertiveness will be tough to ignore, and all your actions will be underscored by a deep inner knowing that you are, really and truly, in the right. Energetically, integrity is like a strong framework and armor of light. That’s why an important aspect of being a badass is holding yourself to the highest possible standards of integrity. (Of course, this isn’t always black and white, but when we continually tune in to the divine and the part of us that is one with the divine, we have an inner compass that points us in the direction that feels best to our soul.)

With this in mind, no matter how angry, annoyed, or frightened I get, I do my best to stay meticulously honest and fair and to remain on course with my inner compass. I also do my best to refrain from yelling or being snide or sarcastic, and to maintain a level of respect for the person with whom I am dealing. Do I always succeed? Ha! No, not at all. But I do honestly try, because I know that I’m at my most effective when I don’t give away my power through acting defensive or attempting to push others around. And I like to think that I get better at it every time I practice. (See that positive self-regard in action? I’m like, “Atta girl! Keep at it. You’ll get there someday.”)

Embracing Anger

Now, I don’t want to give you the idea that I’m anti-anger. I’m all about feeling angry when anger is appropriate—all about it. In fact, I’ve found that it’s best when I stay so in touch with my anger that I never let it build up to a boiling point. That way I can channel it into speaking my truth clearly and firmly every step of the way. You know, like a steam engine instead of a volcano.

Of course, we live in a culture that is very weird about anger, so we mustn’t judge ourselves if we do unwittingly let it build to a boiling point. The important thing is that, as soon as we notice it, we do what we need to do to express it and get it out of our body and emotions. (This may involve privately hitting a pillow with a tennis racket or screaming your head off in your car before you take necessary action in the outside world.) Otherwise, in addition to causing challenges in our relationships, this anger can take the form of stress, anxiety, and (eventually) health challenges.

From a neutral evolutionary perspective, anger is great! It’s a natural response to unfairness and gets our adrenaline pumping so we can defend ourselves as well as the other people, animals, and causes we care about.

Transmutation

If you hadn’t guessed by now, there’s no simple answer to the question of how to deal with challenging people and situations. But by keeping your spirits high, approaching every challenge with a sporting attitude, painstakingly remaining in integrity, speaking your truth, and having a healthy relationship with anger, you’ll be in the most helpful possible mindset for the ultimate goal of good vibe badassery. And what is that goal? Transmutation: the act of transforming problems into lessons, anger into power, and challenges into blessings.

Transmutation is like fire. Think of how fire takes old, dead wood and transforms it into something bright, moving, warm, and full of energy. Also like fire, transmutation is fed with oxygen, so remember to breathe. Yoga and deep-breathing exercises—as well as simply being conscious of your breath on a moment-to-moment basis—can be excellent complements to your badass efforts and are invaluable for times in your life when you’re dealing with a challenging person.

Finally, one of my favorite transmutation tools is to visualize violet fire or lilac-colored flames. If I’m feeling challenging emotions, for example, or thinking negative thoughts, I will fill my mind and body with the visualization of purple fire. I will feel the heat and hear the sound of crackling flames in my mind’s eye, and I will set the intention to transform any and all stuck or seemingly unhelpful energies into lightness, brightness, and ideal forward movement. I might also do this with my home or any other interior area, or even the person with whom I am experiencing a challenge. This way, nothing is wasted. Everything is precious fuel for the dynamic fire of my soul’s unfolding.

Connected to Everyone with Love

When you’re in the midst of a really nasty challenge, sometimes the last thing you want to hear is that old New Age standby: just surround the situation in love. Still, when we remember that our separation from others really is an illusion and that we are, in truth, one with everyone and with All That Is, it can help put the whole thing in perspective. Because ultimately, whatever we’re stressing about is not actually as serious and heavy as it seems. In fact, you might say that every drama is actually a karmic game that helps us learn our soul’s lessons as best we can. Sure, on one level it all seems real, and it certainly feels real, and it’s important that we acknowledge and honor that. But what’s actually going on here? Love. Underneath the seeming discord, the real good vibe badass knows that at the end of the day that’s all there really is. Kind of takes the pressure off, doesn’t it?

Tess Whitehurst is a feng shui consultant, intuitive counselor, and award-winning author. She’s also the founder and fascilitator of The Good Vibe Tribe, a membership site with online workshops and weekly web chats about magical and spiritual living. Learn about her work and sign up for her free monthly newsletter at www.tesswhitehurst.com.

Illustrator: Tim Foley

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