SEXUALSTATIC
COMMON HANG-UPS THAT SABOTAGE SEX
My penis is just like yours: a little too small. It’s probably no surprise to you that penis size is the most common male sexual hang-up. During my 30 years as a sex educator, I must have fielded questions about size from more than a thousand men. And these days, I receive junk e-mail offers for purported penis-enlarging pills several times a week. Some years ago, Penthouse magazine surveyed 1,000 men about their penis size. Almost every respondent said he was “too small” and wished he were larger.
Not that I think size matters, you understand. Every sex expert says the vast majority of women don’t care; and as a longtime sex expert myself, I concur . . . well, almost. I’m still a guy, and when I look in the mirror, I think, “An extra inch couldn’t hurt. . . . ”
Unfortunately, sexual hang-ups plague us even before we take our pants off. You’ve probably heard the term “sexual tension.” People use it interchangeably with the term “sexual arousal.” Well, it’s a misnomer, and a damaging one at that. Tension and the emotions that go with it—anxiety, stress, irritation, and depression—are often caused by such concerns as penis size, pressure to perform, or the definition of sexual “normalcy.” And they’re key causes of sex problems for both men and women.
“Satisfying sex is actually the result of relaxation,” says Jon L. Pryor, M.D., a professor of urology at the University of Minnesota Medical School in Minneapolis. “This often surprises men who believe that sexual arousal is based on tension.” Here’s proof that tension ruins sex. University of Utah psychologists gave 54 men a battery of sexual-function tests, then showed them erotic videos. Beforehand, the researchers told one group that the videos would be used to gauge their sexual arousal levels. They told the second group that at some point while watching the videos, they would receive powerful but harmless electric shocks. Men in the third group were told (erroneously) that they had scored considerably below normal on the sexual-function tests. All three groups had devices attached to their penises that measured erection. Then they viewed the X-rated videos. Not surprisingly, the groups made anxious by the threat of shocks or the bogus diagnosis of poor sexual function became nowhere near as aroused as the controls. Conclusion: Tension impairs sexual arousal and function.
The foundation of great sex is the opposite of tension—deep, meditative relaxation. Now, in the words of Tina Turner, what’s love got to do with it? Isn’t love what great sex is based on? At its best, a committed, loving relationship means mutual trust, nurturing, caring, and support—all of which enhance people’s ability to relax deeply with each other. To that extent, love enhances sex. However, if you’ve ever had wonderful sex with someone you didn’t love (or maybe hardly knew at all), or disappointing sex with someone you loved deeply, you know that love is not a prerequisite for sexual pleasure, nor is it any guarantee of great sex.
If you’re not having great sex because of some kind of sexual tension, you’re not alone. Beyond concerns about penis size, thousands of men have asked me questions over the years about every imaginable aspect of sex and lovemaking. It turns out that most of them have sexual doubts and anxieties that cause enough stress to threaten—or destroy—their ability to function sexually and to enjoy satisfying lovemaking. Below are the some of the most common, along with their solutions.
Q:My penis is too small. What can I do to make it larger?
Sigmund Freud, father of psychoanalysis, coined the term “penis envy” to describe his idea that women wish they had penises, a notion now thoroughly discredited by modern psychologists. (Little boys see women’s breasts much more often than little girls see men’s penises, yet Freud said nothing about “breast envy.”) However, I’m convinced that penis envy is a real affliction—suffered not by women, but by men, myself included. Men envy other men whose penises are larger than theirs.
In reality, the vast majority of women don’t care about penis size. Many surveys have asked women what they look for in a man. It’s quite a list: kindness, caring, warmth, tenderness, attentiveness, commitment, shared values, a good listener, a sense of humor, someone who makes a decent living and has no serious vices. A huge penis? Doesn’t make the list.
In fact, a review of letters to the Kinsey Institute for Sex, Gender, and Reproduction at Indiana University showed that women who inquire about penis size are more likely to complain that their lover might hurt them because he’s too large. Some women and couples who advertise for recreational sex partners specify an interest in well-endowed men. But only a tiny proportion of women are involved in swinging—and only a tiny proportion of them care about penis size. The only other women who seem to notice penis size are the ones who write letters about their sexual exploits to the skin magazines. Guess what? Those letters are fiction. In all my years as a sex advisor, when women have raised the issue with me, they usually ask how they can persuade their lovers to stop obsessing about their size. “Women are right,” says Great Sex advisory board member Marty Klein, Ph.D. “Men are too preoccupied with their penises. Some women may be into size, but I’ve counseled thousands of couples, and I can’t recall any woman ever raising the issue. Men hung up on penis size don’t understand how women experience sexual pleasure. The penis—any size penis—gives men pleasure, but the best way to impress women in bed is to find creative ways to provide pleasure without using your penis,” notably by using your tongue.
“The marks of a man who knows how to use his penis,” says longtime sex educator Betty Dodson, Ph.D. “are patience, gentleness, and a slow, sensual rhythm.”
Here are Dodson’s suggestions for using your penis to maximum benefit, no matter what its size.
Go slowly. Don’t plunge into a woman’s vagina the moment she spreads her legs. Give her time to become fully aroused and lubricated. “It takes my vagina a good 20 minutes to relax, open up, and lubricate enough to accept a penis of any size comfortably,” says Dodson.
Use lubricant. Use a commercial lube on both her vulva and your penis. “Lube makes entry so much more comfortable.”
Stay underneath. “I’ve always preferred to be on top. That way I can control the speed and depth of penetration. In my experience, most women share that preference.”
Develop a rhythm. “Don’t just pump in and out furiously. Go for a slow, sensual rhythm—in, out, and all around, with an awareness of how the woman is moving. Move with her.”
Focus on her clitoris. “If you want to please a woman,” Dodson says, “Fondle her clitoris gently, and especially lick it. That’s much more enjoyable than feeling impaled on a big penis.”
Stay shallow. “The most erotically sensitive part of the vagina is the lips. Use the head of your penis to tease her lips. Then run it up to her clitoris. And even after you’ve gone deep, pull back out and tease her vaginal lips and clitoris some more—and often.”
Go deep. Many women enjoy feeling a penis filling their vaginas. If your partner feels that way, gently push in. “Some women love deep penetration because they feel more intimately connected with the man,” says sex therapist Patti Britton, Ph.D., past president of the Foundation for the Scientific Study of Sexuality. “Men like it because it makes them feel larger.”
Deep penetration depends less on penis size than on sexual position. For example, a few variations of the standard missionary position allow particularly deep penetration. Place a pillow under the woman’s hips to raise them a bit. Then she can bend her knees over her chest while you kneel between her legs and enter her. Or hold her legs straight up over her head.
The woman-on-top position gives her maximum freedom of movement. Encourage her to experiment with variations that allow her to feel filled up. And the rear-entry (or doggie-style) position allows such deep penetration that even an average-size penis might hit the urethra, bladder, or cervix and cause the woman pain. Enter slowly and be careful not to thrust too deeply. In any position, if you’re one of the very few men with an unusually large penis, avoid deep penetration. Or simply ask her to tell you how deeply you can press inside her.
These versions of the missionary position permit deep penetration.
For those of you still obsessing, the typical adult flaccid penis measures 2.5 to 4 inches in length, with a similar circumference. The typical erection measures 5 to 6.5 inches, with a circumference of 3 to 4.5 inches. Now, before you pull out a yardstick, let’s be clear on the fine points of penis measurement. Measure along the top, from the base of the shaft to the tip. Don’t push the ruler into your gut, and don’t stretch your penis—if you want an accurate gauge.
Flaccid size has nothing to do with erection size, says Martin J. Resnick, M.D., chair of the urology department at Case Western Reserve University in Cleveland. It’s possible to have a flaccid penis on the small side and a 7-inch erection. In general, the smaller the flaccid penis, the more length and girth it gains in erection.
Locker room talk is full of assumptions about racial differences in penis size. Black men are supposedly larger than whites; Asian men, smaller. Urologists, sex therapists, and sex researchers I’ve consulted over the years generally concur with these stereotypes, but insist that racial characteristics take a backseat to individual differences. “I’ve seen men of every race with penises that are larger and smaller than average,” says Baltimore urologist James Smolev, M.D.
How many men are significantly smaller than average? “Maybe 5 percent,” Smolev says. How many are significantly larger? “Very, very few,” says Dodson, “The vast majority are average, or a little bigger or smaller. I recall only a few guys I’d call really huge.”
So, where do men get the idea they’re too small? “From pornography,” explains Richard Pacheco, a porn star of the 1970s, now retired. “The men in porn are a self-selecting group. Only the biggest guys audition and producers pick the guys who are largest.”
And these are the only penises heterosexual men get to see up close—other than their own. They have become the standard against which men judge themselves—a standard seriously skewed toward Goliaths. As a result, the Davids of the world are justified in believing that they have one of the smallest penises they’ve ever seen.
In addition, men look down on their own penises from above, which makes them look smaller. “Many of the penis shots in porn are photographed up from underneath,” Pacheco explains. “That camera angle can make any penis look huge.”
Speaking of David, men might feel better about their penises by viewing Renaissance sculpture. Michelangelo’s David, one of the world’s most famous statues, is quite modestly endowed, as are most nude male sculptures of that era.
THE DUBIOUS BENEFITS OF A HUGE ONE
Recall that women who have asked the Kinsey Institute about penis size have been more likely to complain that their lovers are too large than too small. “This may come as a shock to men,” says sex therapist Patti Britton, Ph.D., past president of the Foundation for the Scientific Study of Sexuality, “but many women are afraid of a big penis. It bangs into the bladder or cervix during intercourse and that hurts.” (The cervix, the entrance into the uterus, hangs down into the back of the vagina.)
Back in the 1960s and ’70s, New York City sex educator Betty Dodson organized group-sex parties and saw thousands of penises both flaccid and erect. “Every once in a blue moon,” she recalls, “we’d get a man who was really huge. The women would ooh and aah, but most wouldn’t go near those guys. They’d say, ‘No way you’re sticking that thing in me.’ Most wouldn’t even take super-huge penises into their mouths. I talked with a few of these guys, and they all said that having a huge penis was more of a burden than a joy.”
The bottom line? “Enjoy your penis,” Dodson says. “It’s fine as it is. Make peace with it. And understand that, as far as women are concerned, your tongue is more important. You’ll be happier, your lover will be happier, and you’ll have better sex.”
LOOKING YOUR LARGEST NATURALLY
First the bad news: There’s no safe way to permanently enlarge your penis. Perhaps you’ve seen advertisements for surgical penis lengthening and girth enhancement. Most urologists strongly advise against this (see sidebar here). Or perhaps you get the same junk e-mails I do, touting all sorts of expensive nostrums and programs that claim to turn pencils into phone poles. All nonsense.
I can’t claim to have investigated every junk e-mail offer. But the ones I’ve looked into rely on bogus suggestions like hanging weights from the penis, which can damage it; supplements, which have no effect on penis size; herbal tonics, which may help a little with desire and erection problems but do nothing for size; and cock rings and penis pumps, which are safe, but provide only temporary enlargement.
Several Web sites also tout another natural approach that doesn’t work, something called “jelqing.” It’s supposedly an ancient Middle Eastern technique (though it’s not mentioned in any of the standard works on the history of sex). Jelqing involves making an “OK” sign with the thumb and index finger around the semi-erect penis, and then pulling the organ 200 to 500 strokes a day using a rhythmic milking motion. Some men claim an extra inch in length. No way. Jelqing is very similar to the way many men masturbate. Has masturbation made you any larger?
Now for the good news. Armed with a little information, you can look as large as possible. It all comes down to bloodflow. Whether flaccid or erect, penis size depends on the amount of blood contained in its central spongy tissues (or corpus spongiosum and corpora cavernosa). The more blood, the larger you are. Want to boost blood flow into your penis?
Eat a low-fat diet. Maybe more men would heed this heart-disease-prevention advice if the American Heart Association added that a low-fat diet also means a larger penis. A diet high in fat, particularly animal (saturated) fat, raises blood cholesterol level, which over time, narrows your arteries, including the ones that carry blood into the penis. A high-fat diet is also associated with erection problems.
Exercise. Working out contributes to arterial health, allowing blood to flow more easily into your penis.
If you smoke, quit. With every puff, your penis shrinks. Smoking accelerates arterial narrowing, which is why smokers are at high risk for heart disease. Below the belt those narrow arteries limit bloodflow into the penis, making it look small, and impairing erections.
Relax. The pudendal arteries that supply blood to the penis are surrounded by smooth muscle tissue, explains Great Sex advisory board member Dennis Sugrue, Ph.D. When you feel anxious, this muscle tissue contracts and constricts the pudendal arteries, limiting blood-flow into your penis. But as you relax, so does the smooth muscle. The pudendal arteries open and more blood flows into the penis. In fact, Viagra produces erection by enhancing relaxation of the smooth muscle tissue surrounding the pudendal arteries.
In addition, anxiety triggers the “fight or flight” reflex, which sends excess blood away from the center of your body, including your penis, and out toward your limbs for escape or self-defense. As you relax, blood returns to the central body, making more available to the penis. “Anxiety about penis size is so ironic,” says Klein. “When men worry about their size, the anxiety contributes to penis shrinkage. If you want your penis to be all it can be, stop worrying about how big it is.”
Stay warm. Warmth helps your smooth muscles relax and increases bloodflow. You’ve probably noticed that in chilly locker rooms, your penis seems to shrink and your scrotum hugs your body tightly. But after a hot shower, your penis looks considerably larger and your scrotum hangs lower. If you’d like to look your largest before jumping into bed with a woman, take a hot bath or shower with her.
Get comfortable with your partner. New relationships can be exciting, says Great Sex advisory board member Louanne Weston, Ph.D. “But they also involve intimacy with women you don’t know very well, if at all. That can produce anxiety. A familiar lover may not be as exciting as a new one, but familiarity allows you and your penis to relax, which helps it look its largest.”
Beyond bloodflow, here are additional size-enhancers.
Hit the gym. When you have a big gut, excess lower abdominal fat encroaches on the base of your penis, making it look smaller. In addition to promoting good bloodflow, eating a healthy diet and exercising controls your weight and minimizes belly fat.
One thing exercise does not do is affect the actual size of your penis. Although the media sometimes call it the “love muscle,” unlike your biceps, exercise will not buff it up. “The penis contains muscle tissue,” Klein explains, “but it’s smooth muscle, which doesn’t get bigger with exercise.”
Trim your pubic hair. When less hair obscures the penis, it looks larger.
Avoid anabolic steroids. Many athletes takes these drugs to add bulk and boost strength. However, several reports suggest that they have the opposite effect on your testicles.
DON’T GO THERE
You might see this ad in the sports section or in a junk e-mail: “Give Yourself a Major Confidence Boost: Penis Lengthening and Enlargement” with the phone number of a urologist who’s ready to operate. Surgical enlargement might boost your self-esteem. Then again, it might destroy it.
You have two options for surgical enhancement. The more popular is penis lengthening. It’s based on the fact that you have more penis than what hangs visibly between your legs. The penis extends into your lower abdomen and is anchored there by the penile suspensatory ligament. Cut this ligament and much of the internal penis emerges from the lower abdomen, adding about an inch to what you see externally. The drawback? The suspensatory ligament is what makes erections stand up. When sexually aroused, a surgically lengthened penis becomes as firm as it always has, but it no longer salutes. Instead, it hangs down between your legs. You or your partner must direct it by hand to wherever you want it to go.
The other surgical option is girth enhancement. This is a two-step procedure that involves removing fat (via liposuction) from the buttocks, then injecting it under the skin of the penis. The before-and-after pictures offered by urologists who perform this procedure show bullets transformed into torpedoes. Remember, they’re not showing you the procedures that failed. If the fat injections don’t “take,” (meaning the injected fat cells don’t maintain their structure) or if they take unevenly, you wind up with a lumpy, mutant-looking organ.
One leading practitioner of surgical penis enlargement in Anaheim, California, hosts a Web site that gushes testimonials. But Resnick warns that enlargement surgery can cause infection and deformity. Smolev is even more emphatic: “Any operation to lengthen or thicken the penis should be outlawed.” This doctor’s Web site warns that many surgeons who perform penis enlargement “lack the skills needed to produce good results. . . . A large part of his practice involves repairing the numerous men damaged by [other] doctors.”
If you’re interested in surgery, you should know that this doctor also charges $4,500 for lengthening and $5,500 for girth enhancement. Airfare to Anaheim, hotel, and food are extra. You must spend 3 to 5 days in Anaheim for each operation. Lengthening comes first, then 6 to 12 months later, girth enhancement. Figure $11,000 to $12,000 for both operations—all out of pocket. Insurers don’t pay for penis enlargement.
“You couldn’t pay me to have my penis surgically altered,” Klein says. “The stories I’ve heard are horrendous.”
HELP FROM TECHNOLOGY
If you enjoy playing with sex toys, two devices may boost your size temporarily—cock rings and vacuum devices, generally known as penis pumps.
Cock rings are donut-shaped devices made of rubber, leather, or jelly plastic that tightly encircle the erect penis. Here’s how they work. Whether your penis is flaccid or erect, blood circulates in and out of it continually. The arteries that carry blood into it run through its center, but one of the two veins that carry blood out runs close to the organ’s skin. Because a cock ring compresses mostly the surface of the penis, it doesn’t affect bloodflow into the penis during erection and allows blood to pool. But it does restrict outflow a little by compressing this superficial vein. The net effect is somewhat greater blood build-up in the penis and a slightly larger, firmer erection. Just don’t expect miracles.
There are two types of cock rings: adjustable and fixed. If you’re at all concerned about damaging your penis—bruising is possible from a ring that’s too tight—use one that’s adjustable.
Penis pumps create a partial vacuum that draws blood into the penis, resulting in temporary size enhancement when flaccid or erect. Developed by physicians long before erection drugs became available, pumps produce temporary erections in men who otherwise can’t raise them. Once a pump has raised an erection, you roll on a constriction band similar to a cock ring to help maintain turgidity. “Vacuum pumps are excellent, reliable, safe, and effective,” Smolev explains. Even if you have no trouble becoming erect, you can use a pump for temporary size enhancement. Models differ, but all include a plastic tube that fits over your penis, fitted with a pump operated by a hand bulb. You squeeze the bulb, which evacuates the air from the plastic tube, drawing blood into the penis. Fit is crucial. Without a good seal at the base of your penis, you can’t create the partial vacuum. Just remember, any benefit is temporary.
Finally, you might enjoy playing with a penis extender or prosthetic penis aid. These sex toys are larger-than-life artificial penises with hollow centers. You slip one over your erection and presto—you and your partner can play out a fantasy that you’re hung like a horse.
Q:Is it okay to masturbate as much as I do? Now that I have a girlfriend/wife, is it okay to keep masturbating?
Here’s an old joke: Ninety-eight percent of people masturbate—and the other 2 percent are lying.
It’s perfectly normal to masturbate. Masturbation is our original sexuality. It’s one of the first ways children learn to experience physical pleasure. Left alone, children are enthusiastic masturbators. Why not? It’s fun. They stop (or go underground and do it only in secret) largely because the adults in their lives prohibit it and often make them feel ashamed of it.
Regular, hand-gripping-the-penis masturbation is unlikely to cause damage. Your biggest risk is a little chafing of tender penile skin during extended sessions. The solution: lubricant. Try saliva, vegetable oil, or a commercial sex lube.
Masturbation causes no harm. It doesn’t use you up sexually, even if you do it more than once a day. “At birth,” Weston explains, “you’re not given some predetermined number of orgasms or some preordained amount of semen, and once you run through them, that’s it.” Your testicles are always making sperm and your prostate gland and other reproductive glands are always making seminal fluid. (The only way you run short on semen is if you have your prostate removed, and even then you can still have orgasms.)
When people become involved in sexual relationships, some think it’s wrong to continue masturbating, that it no longer should be necessary. That’s like saying there’s no reason to go to the movies once you own a VCR. While both masturbation and partner sex are sexual, the two experiences are quite different—just as the movie screen and a TV screen produce different entertainment experiences. As wonderful as partner sex can be, it also involves responsibilities. You have to be sensitive to your lover, provide her with pleasure, and let her know what turns you on, not to mention that you probably have to make sexual compromises to keep her happy. “But in masturbation,” Klein explains, “there’s no one else to attend to, no one making any demands, no one to please except yourself—and at times, or quite often, that can feel wonderful, even if you’re in a fabulous relationship.”
In addition to being our original sexuality, masturbation is how the vast majority of people learn what turns them on. We all do it for years—maybe decades—before meeting our lovers. Why give up chocolate cake once you’ve discovered apple pie? Partner sex doesn’t replace masturbation; the two are complementary.
Many psychologists say you can’t love another person until you learn to love yourself. By the same token, you can’t have great sex with anyone else until you learn to have great sex with yourself. In sex therapy for several common problems—including rapid ejaculation in men and lack of orgasm in women—masturbation is a fundamental part of standard treatment.
Of course, masturbation sometimes does cause problems in a relationship. “The two members of the couple may attach different meanings to it,” says Great Sex advisory board member Linda Alperstein, M.S.W., L.C.S.W. “For men, masturbation is often simply an enjoyable way to relax, a form of self-comfort. But some women see it as a form of unfaithfulness. I suggest that couples check in with each other about what masturbation means to them.”
It’s also possible that frequent masturbation might decrease your interest in partner sex. If you’d rather masturbate than make love with your honey, consider couples counseling or sex therapy. “That’s usually a sign of a relationship problem,” Weston explains.
When you’re in a committed relationship, you need to work out a sexual frequency that you and your partner both can live with comfortably—and fit your masturbation around it. It’s reasonable to curtail the practice somewhat in order to maintain a mutually agreeable frequency with your partner. You might schedule partner sex in advance, and not masturbate that day or for a day before. But it’s unreasonable for one member of a couple to demand that the other stop masturbating entirely.
Masturbation is a healthy, enjoyable part of life, but as with other diversions, if it interferes with school, work, family, or other responsibilities, it’s a good idea to seek counseling.
Q:How can I give her incredible orgasms?
Many men are convinced that they have to orchestrate sex and “deliver” earth-shattering orgasms to their lovers. Orgasms are like laughter: A comedian can help you express the laughter waiting to emerge from within you, but only you can let it out. Orgasms emerge from deep within us when we experience a combination of arousing fantasies, erotic stimulation, and “letting go” (or deep relaxation). You can help (or hinder) your partner’s journey toward orgasm, just as a funny comedian can encourage us to laugh. But men don’t “give” women orgasms or vice versa.
The notion that men are orgasm-delivery boys also involves a subtle but critical misunderstanding of lovemaking that can prevent you from enjoying great sex. To understand why, recall the Victorian era of the late 19th century when most Americans believed women were incapable of sexual feelings. As a result, men were expected to take a dominant role in sexual situations and guide women through them. Women were regarded as little more than fleshy semen receptacles.
In the mid-20th century, modern sex research revealed what ancient cultures from China to India to Greece already knew: Men and women are equally capable of sexual arousal, pleasure, and orgasm. And as women gained greater social and political status, they began demanding more sexual attentiveness from men and a more active role in lovemaking. This was certainly progress. But certain vestiges of the Victorian era remain, even today. Most men still believe they should be the leaders in lovemaking, orchestrating it for women, “giving” them erotic pleasure and earth-shattering orgasms every time.
This is wrong on three counts: 1) Each of us is responsible for our own orgasms. “You create the environment in which your lover feels relaxed, aroused, safe, and turned on enough to have one,” says Klein. But you don’t give them out. 2) When you believe your partner’s orgasms are your responsibility, lovemaking changes from sensual sharing into an erotic chore. Instead of adult play, sex becomes work. Experiencing sex as work is not the path to great sex. It’s the road to sexual resentment and problems. 3) Finally, with pornography teaching so many men to view sex as nonsensual and all-genital, when men lead women in porn-style lovemaking, both sexes suffer. Women don’t receive the whole-body sensuality that arouses them, and men’s genitals feel so much pressure to “perform” that they often don’t.
It’s not your job to lead your partner in sex or deliver great orgasms, any more than it’s your partner’s mission to do the same for you. Orgasms come from deep within each of us when we feel relaxed and aroused enough to express them. A lover can create the context that allows us to express orgasm, but we express them ourselves.
Q:I’m a virgin. My girlfriend isn’t. How can I act like I know what I’m doing once we decide to have intercourse?
This is a common concern among today’s young men. Men of previous generations rarely faced this issue. Until recently, plenty of men lost their virginity to women who had already lost theirs—but women rarely admitted it. The sexual culture said women were supposed to be shepherded through sex by men who were more experienced. So sexually initiated women kept their mouths shut for fear of alienating the inexperienced men who thought they were the leaders. No doubt some women still do this. But these days, young women are more likely to be candid about their sexual experiences, and as a result, young men are more likely to have a first sexual experience with a woman who they know is more sexually experienced.
It’s perfectly natural to feel nervous about your first sexual experiences—or your second, third, or 130th. It’s natural for young men to feel anxious about being the less experienced lover. It’s also natural for men of any age to feel anxious when making love for the first time—or the first several times—with a new lover.
Many men are reluctant to admit it’s their first time. Should you? “I encourage it,” Sugrue says. “Trying to bluff your way through sex by acting more experienced than you are just puts extra pressure on you, pressure that can ruin sex. Lying also means you’re not being honest with your partner. Men are afraid that admitting they’re virgins or not very experienced will make them look like wimps. On the contrary, most women appreciate men who tell the truth. It’s a breath of fresh air—a man who’s not into macho posturing, a man mature enough to show some vulnerability.”
Ultimately, it’s up to you. Do what feels most comfortable. If you decline to reveal your virginity and the relationship continues, you can always mention it at some point in the future.
Once you’ve owned up, here’s how to act like you know what you’re doing: Embrace the concepts of total-body sensuality as outlined in chapter 1, and then read the section in chapter 9 about making love with a virgin and “Caressing and Beyond: Erotic Tips for Men”. If you put this information to use, chances are she’ll have the time most women need to become highly aroused. She’ll also feel safe and sexually understood, which should help her become responsive. And she’ll consider you a skilled lover. In fact, sexually inexperienced men who follow the guidelines in this book are likely to be considered better lovers than more experienced men whose idea of sex is a headlong rush into intercourse.
Q:Is it true that men peak sexually when they’re 18? I feel like I missed out.
Relax. You don’t start sliding toward sexual oblivion once you’re past 18. For most men, there’s a big distinction between “genital prime” and “sexual prime.” While your genitals may work best physiologically in high school, most men say they enjoy their best sex later in life—often much later—when they’re more mature, and more sexually experienced and confident. The teen years mark sexuality’s beginning, not its zenith.
Conventional wisdom suggests that men’s sexuality is like their hair: With age, it recedes and eventually disappears. This contains a germ of truth. Aging brings sexual changes—but fewer than most men fear. What changes? In healthy men, just three: (1) frequency of sexual daydreaming, (2) ability to raise an erection from fantasy alone, and (3) firmness of erections. And none of these has a dramatic effect on your sex life.
When Kinsey Institute researchers asked teen men how often they had sexual thoughts, the consensus was every 5 to 10 minutes. Forty-year-olds asked the same question reported having fantasies about every half-hour—less than younger guys, sure, but still quite often.
Most teens can quickly raise full erections simply by thinking about sex. From age 20 to about 40, many men still can—just not as rapidly as during adolescence. After around age 50, most men can raise an erection as long as their penises get direct, erotic fondling.
Finally, although erection firmness peaks around age 18, it’s not a major factor in lovemaking. Nor is it very noticeable. While sophisticated instruments can detect some loss of firmness after age 18, most healthy men don’t notice any difference until their forties or fifties, says Michael Plaut, Ph.D., a psychiatrist at the University of Maryland and past president of the Society for Sex Therapy and Research. Somewhat-less-firm, middle-aged erections are usually turgid enough for a man to enjoy intercourse and great sex.
QUANTITY AND QUALITY
So, do younger guys get it on more often than older guys? Not according to the landmark 1994 “Sex in America” survey described in the Introduction. In this survey, men 18 to 29 years old were more likely than older men to have had sex four or more times a week—but only a small fraction of young men, about 10 percent, made love that often. The other 90 percent had sex about as often as guys in their forties and fifties.
Over the decades, the small proportion of hypersexual young men declined considerably, and the quarter of men who once enjoyed sex two or three times a week were less likely to maintain that frequency. Regardless of age, the proportion of men who made love at least once a week remained fairly consistent—and high: 64 percent of men ages 18 to 24, 78 percent in their late twenties, 76 percent in their thirties, 73 percent in their forties, and 66 percent in their fifties. In other words, men don’t shrivel up sexually through middle age.
Of course, sexual quality is as big a concern as quantity. Just as men who don’t lose their hair may dread going gray, you may worry that sex in middle age and beyond may lose its excitement. Not so. You’ve probably heard women say gray hair makes men seem distinguished and sexy. Likewise, plenty of research shows that age often improves sexual quality. “Sex involves a great deal more than youthful exuberance,” says Great Sex advisory board member Louanne Weston, Ph.D. “Older sex may not be as athletic as younger sex. But it can feel just as fulfilling—often, more so.”
In a 2001 Newsweek magazine survey of 801 Americans, ages 45 to 65, 57 percent of the men and 59 percent of the women said sex was as enjoyable or better than it was when they were younger. British researchers came to the same conclusion in a survey of 4,000 men and women. Three-quarters of respondents under age 45 said they felt sexually satisfied. For respondents over 65, the rate of satisfaction was identical, 75 percent. AARP (formerly the American Association of Retired Persons) surveyed 1,384 people aged 45 to 85. Respondents of all ages expressed a desire for regular lovemaking. Only 12 percent of those over 75 agreed with the statement “Sex is only for the young.” Among those with lovers, two-thirds called their sex lives “satisfying.”
SEX PROBLEMS?
Other studies have explored the frequency of sex problems over a lifetime. While findings vary, this research finds few links between age and sexual fulfillment. According to the Chicago survey mentioned above, the only sex problem that becomes significantly more prevalent as men age is erectile dysfunction (ED). Seven percent of the youngest men reported it, versus 18 percent of men in their fifties. The incidence of every other men’s problem—lack of sexual interest, lack of ejaculatory control, performance anxiety, lack of pleasure from sex, and problems expressing orgasm—held steady or decreased. Meanwhile, this study was conducted before Viagra was approved. No doubt today fewer men would report erection difficulties.
Middle-aged erections may subside during lovemaking and need direct touch to regain fullness. “This is perfectly normal,” says Plaut. “It’s not the beginning of the end for your sexuality.” Quite often, all that’s necessary to raise a firm woody is to ask your lover to fondle, stroke, or suck your penis more than she has been. It may feel odd to ask. Many men are used to having their erections spring to attention and previously haven’t had to specifically ask for this kind of touch. Once you’re over 40, you might have to.
Q:I think about sex all the time. Am I a sex addict?
A whole industry has grown up around “sex addiction,” complete with treatment programs that claim to cure it. Clearly, some people have deep psychological problems that find expression in sexually compulsive and destructive or abusive behavior. But not many—in fact, very few.
The word “addiction” is seriously overused. People claim to be “addicted” to chocolate, shopping, work, exercise, certain TV shows—you name it. They’re not truly addicted. They simply like chocolate or whatever, and feel a sense of loss if they can’t have it. But even when they don’t get what they’re “addicted to,” they function normally—though from time to time, or even frequently, a chocolate “addict’s” thoughts might drift to Hershey bars.
The “sex addiction” industry would have us believe that sexual compulsion includes not only those who need intensive psychotherapy or who belong behind bars, but also anyone who has frequent sexual thoughts, feelings, and fantasies. I disagree.
In one study, researchers at the Kinsey Institute asked a large group of men if sexual thoughts had “crossed their minds” during the previous 5 minutes. Among 16- and 17-year-olds, 51 percent said yes, as did 20 percent of men aged 40 to 55. In other words, it’s normal to think of sex frequently, even as often as every 5 minutes. It doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you, and it certainly doesn’t mean you’re a “sex addict.”
“The sex-addiction industry exploits people’s fears of their own sexuality,” Klein explains, “and calls just about anything beyond intercourse with your wife twice a month ‘sex addiction.’” Of course, obsessive thoughts about sex might take over your life, make you flunk courses in school, get fired from a job, or trigger relationship turmoil or break-ups. In such cases, I recommend consulting a mental health professional. But by themselves, frequent—even very frequent—sexual thoughts are no cause for alarm. They’re normal.
Q:During sex with my girlfriend/wife, I have fantasies of other women. Is that okay? Should we share our fantasies?
Great sex is a combination of friction and fantasy. Everyone enjoys the friction. Unfortunately, some feel uncomfortable about the fantasy.
A common sexual myth is that lovers should be completely wrapped up in each other, banishing from their minds all other thoughts—especially fantasies of sex with anyone else. However, while in the throes of passion, many people have thoughts of other lovers—old partners, movie stars, a friend’s mate, the waitress at lunch—you name it. Many people also feel guilty about such fantasies. They consider it “mental unfaithfulness.” A survey conducted for the New York Times asked: “As long as you are faithful to your partner, do you think it’s okay to fantasize about having sex with someone else?” Forty-eight percent said it was harmful to fantasize about other lovers.
Relax. It’s perfectly normal to fantasize about having sex with someone other than your regular lover. “Fantasies of other lovers are probably the most common sexual fantasies,” Klein says. At the University of Vermont, researchers surveyed 178 sexually active adults, 84 percent of whom admitted that during sex with one partner, they fantasized about having sex with another. They also frequently fantasized about sex that was “kinkier” than what they actually did or wanted to do—for example, sex in public, group sex, or bondage. One-quarter of the group expressed “significant guilt” about their fantasies, calling them immoral, abnormal, and harmful to their relationships. In terms of sexual satisfaction, those who fantasized the most enjoyed the greatest sexual satisfaction and the fewest sex problems. Those who felt guilty about their fantasies were less sexually satisfied and reported the most sex problems.
University of Louisville researchers corroborated these findings. They surveyed 117 women, aged 26 to 78, about their sexual daydreams. Those who daydreamed about sex the most—no matter what the content—enjoyed the most overall sexual satisfaction.
So why are so many people opposed to fantasies of other lovers? “They worry that having such fantasies raises questions about their commitment to their real-life relationship,” says Harold Leitenberg, Ph.D., the University of Vermont psychology professor who conducted the study mentioned above. Sex experts agree that if you’re in a basically happy relationship, fantasies of other people do not imply any dissatisfaction with your primary relationship. “Many people have fantasies about what they’d do if they won the Lotto,” Weston says. “That doesn’t mean they hate their lives.”
What a shame that so many people feel it’s wrong to engage in something as normal as wide-ranging sexual fantasies. Sex is a spiritual experience, a kind of meditation, if you will. In meditation, people take a break from their chores, sit quietly, breathe deeply, and try to empty their minds, transcending themselves in an effort to connect with the world beyond them. But emptying the mind isn’t easy. Random thoughts dart in and out of consciousness. In meditation, you’re taught to accept these thoughts without judging them, no matter how bizarre they might be. And when you emerge from your contemplative time-out, you feel refreshed and relaxed.
During lovemaking, it would be nice to empty your mind of all thoughts unrelated to your lover. But as in meditation, that’s usually impossible. Fantasies happen. You can’t help it. Fantasies, even wild ones, are normal—and quite common. In one study, half of the women admitted fantasies of being sexually dominated, even forced to have sex, while half of the men admitted fantasies of dominating women sexually and “taking” them. Try to accept your fantasies without judging them. They are no reflection on your morality, faithfulness, or mental health. In meditation and in sexual fantasy, everything is permitted and nothing is wrong.
Fantasies are not only normal, they also enhance sex. Recall that good sex involves friction and fantasy. “Friction has limits,” Alperstein explains. “There are only so many ways one person can touch another. Fantasy has no limits. Our ‘wildest dreams’ are a safe way to become very aroused, which is how fantasy can help a good love life feel even better.”
The distinction between fantasy and reality is important. What about fantasies of situations you’d never want to act out in real life? The range of images people find arousing is usually broader than the range of activities they enjoy. A man might fantasize that he’s rescuing a woman from a burning building without the slightest wish to be caught in a fire on the 14th floor. However, some sexual fantasies might signal a problem—if you consistently fantasize about sex with one specific other person, for example. “That’s a sign of a possible relationship problem,” Weston says. Or if you feel tempted to act out fantasies that are harmful to yourself or others. But here we’re not focusing on falling out of love with one person and in love with someone else, or turning fantasies into reality. We’re concerned with true fantasies—the marvelous, unexpected, at times crazy or disturbing notions that pop up momentarily during sex, and then go their merry way.
Should you share your fantasies with your partner? The comedian Rodney Dangerfield tells a story of making love with his girlfriend, and things aren’t going very well. They’re both cranky, and neither gets turned on. Finally Dangerfield asks, “What’s the matter? Can’t you think of anyone either?”
Whether you should share fantasies really depends on you, your lover, your fantasies, and your mutual comfort with talking about sex. Some couples share fantasies to arouse themselves or each other. If you’d like to try this, begin with an innocuous fantasy; for example, you’re out for the evening, and you fantasize that she wears a skirt but no panties. Does such sharing arouse you both? Does it bring you closer? Or does it turn off one or both of you? If sharing an innocuous fantasy is a mutual turn-on, you might slowly progress to sharing riskier fantasies until you and your lover reach your comfort limit. If sharing an innocuous fantasy is a turn-off, stop.
Grant yourself and your lover freedom of fantasy. Sexual fantasies are normal, healthy, and sex enhancing. If your sex life feels boring, use your imagination. Try some new fantasies. You’ll probably enjoy better sex.
Q:I sometimes have fantasies of sex with men. Am I gay?
It’s perfectly normal—and fairly common—for people who identify themselves as heterosexual to have fantasies of same-sex lovers. The myth is that heterosexuals are 100 percent into the opposite sex with zero curiosity about same-sex lovers, and that homosexuals are totally committed to same-sex lovers with no interest in the opposite sex. But sexual orientation is not always an either-or proposition. Many people fall somewhere in between. And some people are bisexual, with clear interest in sex with both men and women. All these sexualities are normal.
“Same-sex fantasies do not mean you’re gay,” Sugrue explains. “What they mean is that you’re a sexual person, who occasionally gets turned on by same-sex fantasies. It’s quite common for happy, well-adjusted heterosexuals to have same-sex fantasies or to dream about same-sex contact. Dreams and fantasies are a safe way to experience the outer reaches of your sexuality in a nonthreatening way.”
However, same-sex fantasies do suggest that you’re not 100 percent heterosexual. They suggest at least some homoerotic interest, which is normal.
Should you act on same-sex fantasies? That’s for you to decide. Think about it. Fantasize about it. Take your time figuring out what you’d like to do. A good resource is Bisexual Internet Resources (see Resources).