Ruth let go of his arm, realising that she had made a mistake. She had wanted to feel closer to him, to hold him back, but it would only make him angrier.
‘Please, just wait,’ she said, hating the pleading in her voice. Everything had happened so suddenly and the careful planning she had done in her mind for this very eventuality was ripped to shreds in seconds. She could explain parts of it, but the whole story would take time, and she wasn’t sure it even made sense to her.
She realised that he was waiting. ‘Did I ever tell you my grandfather was from Austria? He hated the Nazis, but even still this country treated him like he was one. The government put him in a camp, twelve men to a house and beds of straw. As his mind went, they left him there to die.’
Anthony sighed, the closest she would get to seeing that compassion she knew he was capable of. ‘What’s this got to do with what you’ve done?’
‘I’m getting to it, but please, I need to start at the beginning.’
He nodded, an acknowledgement of sorts, and she wouldn’t waste the opportunity he had given her.
‘It made me want to hate the government, but that’s not the point. My family are Austrian, that makes them the enemy, whether they are Nazis or not. My brother-in-law works for Lord Derby and the War Office. But I can’t tell you all the details. What you need to know is that a man used it against me. He took George away when he was with Harriet. And he made me do it.’
‘Made you do what? You’re still not making sense.’ He pushed past her to the wardrobe and took his suitcase down from on top of it. When he dropped it onto the bed, she knew she was quickly losing her chance to convince him, to ask for his help.
‘I was born in Austria, Anthony. He used that against me to make me pass him information.’ Surprise marred the edge of her words as she had not expected to say them. She had never told anyone her background before and it had thousands of connotations. Was she also now Anthony’s enemy? ‘I’ve lived here almost my entire life. I don’t think of myself as Austrian. I’m British. But I had no choice. He made me a spy, to get George back.’
She looked at him, pleading with him to say something, to understand what she was going through, but what could he possibly say to her?
Anthony parted his lips to speak, but only a faint murmur came out. He was still between the suitcase and her.
‘At least that’s what people will call me,’ she continued, when he remained silent. ‘It’s not like I had a choice. I didn’t wake up one morning and think, oh today I shall be a spy. It’s not like that at all. And I’m not even a particularly good one. I don’t want to do it. But he has George and so I have no choice. I’ve become a sort of messenger for the Nazis and I hate myself as much as you do right now.’
‘You have no idea,’ he said, and those words cut her more sharply than any knife could have done. She stifled a sob, and plunged on.
‘I even thought that maybe I was doing the right thing helping the Germans, that I was somehow making amends for my grandfather’s death. But he would have hated it, if he had really known what I was up to. Of course I had told him, but he was too far gone to truly understand. I think he thought it was some kind of story, a book I was writing or something. He needed me too and I failed him. All because of this man, this Patrick who has George. Don’t you understand? I’ll do anything to get my son back! I lied to them too. I gave them false information. You have to believe me, I was trying to do the right thing.’
‘I don’t believe you.’ She knew he was angry, that he was trying to show her just how angry he was. ‘This is some kind of joke, a story you’ve made up. You’re making fun of me and I don’t get it. Haha. You’ve been playing me from the start, since we met. Now tell me what’s really going on.’
‘I haven’t, I swear to you. George was only taken in October, we’ve known each other longer than that.’
‘I can’t believe this.’ He started taking clothes from the wardrobe. He didn’t have much, but each item gave her a stab of pain as he threw them on the bed. ‘George has been missing for four months, and you haven’t told me? Why didn’t you ask for my help? You may be a traitor, but I would have listened!’
‘I didn’t want to hurt you. I couldn’t bring you into this. They made me break everything I believed in, but I couldn’t do that to you. You didn’t deserve that.’
He scoffed, and pushed the wardrobe shut with a bang.
‘What I deserved,’ he said, ‘was the truth. You didn’t trust me enough to confide in me, and now you’re trying to pretend that it was all for my own good. It doesn’t hold water.’
‘I know it sounds crazy, but what would you have done if they’d taken Marc?’
‘How dare you bring my son into this? I’m going,’ he said, pushing a pair of crinkled trousers into the suitcase and tying it up. He snatched it up as he stomped over to the doorway. Ruth stood by, her mouth hanging open but no words coming out. She expected him to turn around, but he wouldn’t look at her, he refused to look at her. She understood completely. She had got everything wrong. What could he possibly say? She wished he wouldn’t but he had no choice. She had betrayed everything he believed in, betrayed his country, and he had to leave. She was not who he thought she was. He couldn’t be associated with her anymore.
‘I’m sorry,’ she called after him, but he didn’t reply. A second or so later the front door slammed shut. Ruth stood there, her body shaking, trying to will the tears away, before she fell to the bed and wrapped herself in darkness. He was gone. They were all gone now.