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In all of Bartonville Middle School, no romantic couple was as devoted as Ronny Lugnitz and Lorelei Weiss. One was never seen in the school halls without the other. And they were usually connected, too. They had a special way of melting into each other— her head on his shoulder, his arm around her waist, free hands clasped, legs conjoined as in the three- legged race. Through some miracle of physics, they could actually walk like this, and go up and down stairs.
"That's why they cut so many classes," was
Maude's comment. "They can't get through the door."
"I know one class they'd better not cut/' Max muttered darkly.
It was the lone flaw in Max's reasoning. Given Ronny's spotty attendance record, who was to say that he'd even show up for Mr. Krakauer's end-of- the-unit party?
Even so. Max was taken aback on Friday morning to see Lorelei walking toward her homeroom all alone.
Aghast, he rushed up to her. "Lorelei, Lorelei— where's Ronny?"
It took her a moment to recognize Max. "I know you. You're that comedian kid. Funny thing—we're supposed to have a comedian kid in eighth period—"
"That's me!" Max explained. "Hey, listen— where's Ronny?"
"Oh," she said, "he got sick."
"No!" Max exclaimed. "He can't miss the end-of- the-unit party!"
"Well," said Lorelei, "to be perfectly honest, they call it a party, but it's really kinda lame. More like school with a bag of chips."
"Maybe he's not really sick!" Max persisted.
"Maybe it's that AMP cola stuff. My stepfather knows a truck driver who got heart palpitations from it!"
"They're pretty sure it's the flu," said Lorelei. "He's got a fever of a hundred and two."
"That's not so high!" Max whined. But his heart was sinking. To parents, the word fever was an airraid siren. The year before, when Olivia had run 102, and Mom had been unable to reach the pediatrician, Mario had diverted from a trip and run an eighteen-wheeler full of kohlrabi directly to the doctor's home. Fevers were the DEFCON 1 of child rearing. "He might feel better by lunch."
Lorelei shrugged one dainty shoulder. "Ronny doesn't come to school half the time when he's feeling fine." And she teetered away on high heels, leaving Max holding his head.
Max gathered up his three friends for advice.
"I don't have time for this," Sydni said briskly. "There's a special student council meeting. Amanda Locke wants to declare Darth official school mascot for all clubs and sports teams. And they have to vote on it before Katie Kates gets here." She bustled off, looking important.
Neither did Maude have anything to offer. "It was a stupid idea to begin with. Ronny Lugnitz is so
mean that, even if you had the whole class rolling on the floor, he'd tell his uncle you stank."
Big had a constructive suggestion. "Why don't you go to his house and convince him he should come to school today. Sometimes you have to make things happen."
Maude snorted a laugh. "Like you made something happen with Old Atticus?"
"No, this is a good idea!" exclaimed Max. "All I have to do is think of something so compelling it'll make Ronny want to come to school."
Big blew a fanfare through his sinus tubes. "Now, that's a can-do attitude!"
"Let's go," said Max.
"And let Darth face the TV cameras alone?" cried Big in dismay. "Never!"
"What's wrong with going on TV?" asked Maude.
"It's media exploitation," Big insisted. "Nobody asked poor Darth if he wanted to sacrifice his private life."
"What are you raving about?" Max exploded. "His private life is Cat Chow and licking himself!"
"And all that will be over starting today," Big predicted direly.
"Are you crazy?" howled Max. "This is Katie Kates and her little film crew, not 60 Minutes'."
But Big would not be moved. "Maybe I can't stop it, but I'm not going to let him go through it aione."
Max was nervous. Big didn't get riled up very often. But when he did, he was like a rock and a hard place all rolled up into one. "All right," he sighed. "I'll go with Maude."
"Count me out," said Maude. "All I need is Ronny Lugnitz ribbiting his flu germs in my face! Like I don't have enough problems."
In the end, it was Max alone who snuck out of school just before the lunch bell. In a phone booth, he looked up Ronny's address, and headed to a small, well-kept Cape Cod-style house in the neighborhood just west of the school.
Still not sure what he was going to say, Max rang the front doorbell. He felt a certain confidence that, when the moment came, he would come up with the right thing to tell Ronny. After all, comedians had to be able to think on their feet. What if a heckler showed up in the audience? Max couldn't think of anyone who would make a better heckler than Ronny.
No one answered the door, so he rang again.
"Whaddaya want?" called a voice from above.
Max stepped back and looked. There was Ronny at the upstairs dormer window, staring down, scowling.
"Oh, it's you. What are you doing on my property?"
"I heard you weren't feeling well—" Max began.
"I'm sick as a dog!" Ronny growled. "Leave me alone!"
"Well, it's just that—" Max ransacked his mind for inspiration. He found none. "I'd—uh—hate to see you miss Mr. Krakauer's end-of-the-unit party—"
At this, Ronny stepped away from the window. When he reappeared, it was to dump the entire tank of his cold steam vaporizer down on Max's head.
"Now, scram!"
And it was that icy blast on a cold autumn day that brought Max the brainstorm he needed. "I came here as a friend," he sputtered, "to let you know that some guy is hitting on Lorelei."
Fifteen seconds later, Ronny came out the front door, shivering with fever as he shrugged into his jean jacket. "What guy?" he asked tersely.
"I don't know his name," Max evaded. "He might be new to the school."
"Describe him."
At that moment, Max went completely blank, like no comedian ever should.
Ronny was impatient. "Well, did you see the guy or not?"
"Sure!" Max babbled. He was never really certain why he did it, or even how it came about. But before he knew it, he was describing "... a six-foot-tall skinny kid with wild yellow hair, who always wears a red ascot tie."
"I think I've seen this guy," said Ronny grimly. "He was trying to videotape wind. Real artsy type. Does his nose whistle?"
"Absolutely not," said Max, horrified at what he had done. "In fact, he may not have been that tall. And I'm pretty sure his hair was brown."
"Say no more," Ronny insisted. "I know who it is." He popped the tab on a can of AMP. "Man, I feel lousy! Want a sip?"
"Uh—no, thanks." Mission accomplished, thought Max. Ronny Lugnitz was coming to school. He even seemed to be grateful to Max for tipping him off. Now all Max had to do was warn Big. . . .
Max's first class with Big Byrd was science lab in fifth period. To his surprise. Big never showed up, not even ten fashionable minutes late. Odd. Wasn't it Big who'd pledged to be there for Darth for every
second of the media blitz that was to come? Where was he?
Probably still in homeroom. Max concluded with an inner smile, holding Darth's paw and whispering warnings: Luke , Katie Kates has gone over to the Dark Side. But the Force will be with you. . . .
Either that or Ronny had tracked him down, and the poor kid was in the nurse's office, having his head reattached.
At the next class change, Max found Ronny prowling the sixth-grade hall.
"Pssst! Carmody—over here!" the eighth grader hissed. As the day progressed, Ronny's fever had risen. Now his teeth chattered between guzzles of AMP. "Have you seen you-know-who?"
"No," Max said quickly, "and I'm starting to think it was all a misunderstand—"
"Me neither," Ronny cut him off. "I talked to Lorelei," he confided, bleary-eyed. "She's covering up for the guy. She denies it ever happened."
"Don't be too hard on Lorelei," Max advised guiltily. "It's not her fault if some guy hits on her."
"I'm not holding anything against Lorelei," Ronny replied. "It's that artsy hunk of dogmeat who has to worry."
Max headed straight from Ronny to homeroom 604, but Sydni grabbed him on the way. Her face was even paler than Ronny's.
"Max—he's gone!"
"Big?"
"No, Darth! He's disappeared!"
It all came together with a sickening crunch. Big missing + Darth missing = Big and Darth missing together.
"Oh # no!" groaned Max. "Big kidnapped the cat!"
Sydni was aghast. "Why? What for?"
"He thinks the interview is media exploitation! Don't ask why! This is Big\ The guy videotapes wind \"
"But Katie Kates will be here in forty minutes!" squeaked Sydni. "What am I going to do? If I mess up one more thing for the student council, Amanda Locke will have me burned at the stake!"
Her desperation was contagious. Max could see all his careful planning falling apart before his very eyes.
"Don't panic," he said, as much to himself as to her.
"Can you give me one good reason why not?" she shrilled.
''Sydni,'' called a voice.
Sydni very nearly jumped out of her skin. Amanda was heading down the hall toward her.
"Sydni, we need you to stand at the door and greet the film crew. When they arrive, take them straight to the principal's office. Dr. Mirvish herself wants to introduce Katie Kates to Darth."
As she started away, Sydni cast Max an imploring look, and mouthed the words: Do something!
It was like being in the middle of a movie, thought Max. A bad movie, where everything that can go wrong does, and in the worst possible way.
And then it hit him. What did they do on a film set when the star wasn't available?
Answer: a body double.