All you need is deep within you waiting to unfold and reveal itself. All you have to do is be still and take time to seek what is within, and you will surely find it.
Eileen Cady, cofounder of Findhorn
A painting hangs over our fireplace. The image is a boat on a fast-flowing river. Just ahead, hidden in deep shadows, is a fork, a divergence into two streams. Every time I look at the painting, the feeling of not knowing what is ahead, yet not being able to stop—of being carried along on the current—jars me. It is such a visual metaphor for life: there is rarely enough information, rarely enough time. So much is decided by the seat of your pants.
But today could be different. You’ve gotten off the boat and have withdrawn from the stream of life to consider all the possibilities open to you. You’ve done what women who run white water do. You’re scouting ahead, studying the river to see where the rocks are, where the canoe-eating holes may lie. But even as you scan the water from the shore, you know from the twitch in your stomach that there are no guarantees. You can be as experienced as a Colorado River guide, planning your route through the churning waters with great care, and still capsize. And this is the reality you must be willing to welcome or at least open the door to. There is Divine guidance available, you do have knowledge inside of you, and shit still happens. There are no guarantees that the decision you make will work out the way you want. It may work out better. It may simply turn out differently. It may feel, ten years from now, like a huge disaster and, ten years after that, like an amazing blessing. All are possibilities. We are never sure, perhaps until the day we die, whether choosing each fork brought a blessing or a curse. You cannot truly move forward without acknowledging this lack of certainty.
The process of making a decision is often one we try to do while in nature, and it is rarely one we can put into words. Karen Warren writes in “November Sojourn” in Solo,
Most times I want to pause to take stock of my life from a perspective that only comes when I’m alone in the woods. One year, spurred on by my partner, I went out with the very specific reason of figuring out if I wanted a child in my life. Here was the adventuring woman, who five years earlier had disdained the permanency of a credit card and a car loan, now trying to decide to have a child. I choked so hard it took another year and another November sojourn before I had the courage to broach the subject again.
My friend Randi recalls sitting on a boulder overlooking the river outside Austin, trying to decide if getting married was the right choice. “I wish I had had a set of instructions, a way to deliberate.”
You may find that simply taking the time, taking long walks, letting yourself mull and weigh, opens the door for you. You may find that doing one or two parts of this practice is enough and then your own process takes over. Or you may find yourself needing more structure, especially if you are exhausted or in a panic. This is why I devised and road-tested this practice.
Prepare
Information about your choices. For example, if you are trying to decide whether to adopt a child, gather facts about costs, possibility, the amount of time you might have to wait, and so forth. If you are thinking about getting married, bring along pictures of the two of you together, letters he or she has written you and letters you have written, and perhaps a gift or ring given to you. If you are contemplating a career change, put together a list comparing your current job with the job you are considering.
A few touchstone objects. These remind you of your strength, your ability to persevere, your connection to other women, your connection to the Divine as you know it. A piece of rose quartz, a picture of Susan B. Anthony, and a necklace your grandmother made you could be touchstones.
Your journal and a pen.
Drawing materials or clay.
Candle.
Timer.
Tarot deck, Bible, I Ching, or other divination system (optional: borrow one from a friend).
Clothing you can exercise in.
Inspiring words.
See Resources.
Part 1
It is much easier to consider your options, to locate your desires, and to give yourself space to honor how difficult your decision may be if you are coming from a place of self-trust. Choose to believe in yourself and your ability to gain access to your inner knowledge.
The first thing you may wish to do is create a focusing point, a meditation spot, a “question shrine.” Arrange the touchstones you brought with you that help you feel mighty and effectual; wait to add the things that are associated with your decision, your question. Have your writing materials close by.
Imagine a loving presence, someone or something that is so wise, so accepting of you, so plugged in to the Universal Wisdom that nothing can shake her. This may be your vision of the Divine, a guide you have worked with in the past, or a sweet notion of goodness and comfort. Don’t force the image to come. Visualize or sense this presence near you. When she or he or it feels real, vibrant, comforting, loving, and truly there, imagine her speaking to you about encouragement, courage, ability, and trust.
Close your eyes and breathe long and deep. Settle into silence for a few moments. There is nothing to consider, nowhere to go, nothing to do.
If you feel too agitated to sit quietly, walk slowly in a large circle around your space a few times.
When you are ready, write across the top of a piece of paper the question facing you. Write it big and bold. Try to frame your question as a could. For example:
Add your question to your shrine. Around it place the objects you brought that relate to your question: pictures, letters, postcards, keepsakes. Study your creation for a few moments.
Notice: How does your body feel? Your shoulders? Your belly? Your neck? Simply observe.
Whenever it feels right (it could be two minutes or twenty, depending on your clock), do a physical activity that is solitary and repetitive and that will push you physically, at least a little. Dancing, yoga, walking uphill (a mountain, foothill, incline, whatever is available and possible for your body), walking by an ocean or a large lake or lively river, snowshoeing or cross-country skiing in a quiet area, canoeing, and swimming laps (in a quiet pool or, better yet, a warm, calm body of water) are all ideal choices. If you don’t move your body much or if you are doing this at home in the middle of a city or if you don’t have much time, dancing is a good choice.
Don’t give in to the voice that says, “I’m too tired to walk” or “This is stupid. There is no question what I must choose.” Confusion and the desire to sleep or eat or give up are just tricks we use to try to protect ourselves from facing life. (Chocolate, too, is a trick—a very good one, to be sure, but still a trick.) It’s normal to feel anxiety about making a choice. It’s normal to want to check out. I struggle with checking out every day of my life. Most of us do. And if you absolutely have to, okay, take a break. Go read under a tree for a while or pull the covers over your head and eat two bowls of breakfast cereal. The question will still be here, as will the desire that led you to this moment in the first place. You can always come back.
Feel the question in your body as you move. Where does it physically reside in this moment? Can you move that part of your body? Sense with the intelligence of your body where energy needs to flow. You may find yourself wanting to run or to swing your hips or to hunch over and crawl. Do it. Move the question with you. Repeat it aloud a few times as you move.
While you are moving, on an inhale repeat, “I am breathing in trust and clarity.” On your next exhale repeat aloud, “I am breathing out doubt and confusion.” Concentrate on the words; don’t just mouth them, believe them. Your mind will wander. Bring it back to your inhale of trust and clarity, your exhale of doubt and confusion. Keep going long enough to feel the words shift your energy. It may take ten minutes, or it may be two hours. Keep bringing yourself back to your breath as you sweat and move, inhale and exhale, trust and clarify.
When you are finished, find a still place, take a few deep breaths, and check in with yourself. How do you feel? What words capture the change, if any? Open, energetic, calm, tired, trusting, decisive, anxious? Briefly, name your sensations.
As soon as you can, get your writing materials and write this statement across the top of a blank page of paper:
Get to spontaneous writing quickly, “leaking” as little energy as possible. Avoid unnecessary conversations, busyness, or frantic thinking. Set a timer (if you have one handy) for three minutes, or fill three pages without stopping. If you get stuck, write the words if only over and over again. If negative thoughts like “I could never do that” or “What’s the point, it’s too late” come up, write those down, too.
When you are finished, put your journal away without reading what you wrote, and take a break. If you are on a longer retreat, now might be a good time to do a ritual bath and have a self-affirming meal, to baby yourself a bit. If you must return to daily life, remember to do some kind of closing ceremony, no matter how brief.
See Good Ways to Listen: Soothe.
Part 2
Center yourself. Sit in front of your focusing point, your question shrine. Light your candle. Take your journal and write across the top of a fresh sheet of paper:
Set your timer for three minutes, or fill three pages. Keep your hand moving; let the question write you. If you get stuck, write the word should over and over.
Spend a few minutes investigating where each of these shoulds came from. To whom or what can you attribute each thought or belief? This process helps you tease out the beliefs that are masquerading as yours and helps you examine whether these are beliefs you want to keep. Separate what you think you should do from what you truly want to do. Display your shoulds on your shrine.
Reread what you wrote in response to “If I could do anything….” If any new insights or ideas emerge, no matter how far-fetched, write these on a new page or in the margin. Select the three or four ideas that make you breathe with excitement or make your heart race. Write these possibilities as questions, using the same phrasing you did before. For example:
Add these to your shrine. Study this gathering of words and objects as you breathe. What do you see? Any interesting new associations or ideas? Can you connect any of the questions to the list of shoulds? Breathe into any ideas that arise. Don’t rush to do anything. Wait and breathe. You are not tight and panicking, not disdainful and judging, but reverent, conscious, relaxed, accepting.
If nothing new comes to you, don’t worry. There are many stages to this exploration; if new thoughts are not stimulated now, just doing the exercise will help unlock them later.
Take a break and ease out of your head. You could walk slowly in nature silently repeating “I trust myself” and observing how animals and plants trust themselves as they play, hunt, and grow. Or you might choose to read a book about a woman who made courageous choices while you curl up by a fire or under a quilt. This gives your conscious mind a break while feeding your unconscious vibrant fire. Another self-soothing activity is to begin an ego book, a collection of glowing letters from those who love you, photos of happy times, awards or ribbons from that contest you won in fifth grade, a pressed flower from another retreat, or anything that reminds you of your wonderful attributes.
See Resources.
Part 3
Settle in front of your shrine and light your candle. Place your drawing materials nearby. Reread everything you have written during this exploration. Take your time.
Get into a comfortable position where you sit relaxed with your spine straight. Arrange a chair to support your back or a cushion under your butt. Still your mind by counting backward from four to one on successive exhales. Settle into your center.
Repeat the following out loud:
I, ________ (add your name), gather my wisdom around me.
I am able to sit with myself and my question.
I believe I can gain access to my inner knowledge, my still, quiet voice.
I believe in my ability to listen to this voice.
I, ________ (add your name), trust myself. I trust my own perceptions, my hunches, my way of knowing.
Breathe and sit and wait. If your mind gets insane or you get anxious, repeat with each inhale, “What is possible?” With each exhale, relax into trusting your own process. If you don’t like sitting still, walk around your shrine very slowly, maintaining deep, slow breathing and asking, “What is possible?”
If something begins to occur to you, don’t rush. Wait. Hush. Hold the image, the feeling, the inkling, and breathe into it. Don’t try to push an answer. Hold the energy. Let it grow.
When you feel ripe, whether a course of action has occurred to you or not, come quietly out of your meditation, take up your drawing materials and let an image emerge, or do more spontaneous writing, sculpture, or movement—whatever fits.
Put your drawing, notes, or sculpture on your shrine. Observe it for a few moments. See if additional insights present themselves.
You might like to draw a tarot card at this point if you feel you need extra guidance or to test your decision. Shuffle the cards until you feel ready to fan them out face down. Choose the card you are drawn to. What is the first thing that comes to mind when you see the card? Now place it next to your drawing. Any similarities? Don’t read a guidebook that tells you what the card is supposed to mean unless you absolutely have to. Trust your imagination to tell you what the symbol means.
Another way is to open a great book at random, let your finger run down the page until you feel like stopping, then read what you land upon. How does that fit with what is unfolding for you? Does it shed any new light? Meditate, play with, ponder the words.
See Resources for title suggestions.
Now write, with as much detail as possible, your answer to the question
Use your imagination to spin out a tale of what is going to happen next. Create the best possible scenario. If you’ve decided to go to law school, create a world in which you study well for the LSATs, you get into the school of your choice, you find the grants and loans you need. Bring in some of your dreaming from “If I could do anything I would….” Allow yourself to see the very best emerging. Write about others’ reactions to your decision; imagine them being helpful or supportive.
Reward yourself for getting through this process. How can you celebrate yourself? If you feel raw from examining your life or from the magnitude of your decision, you might consciously choose to check out for an hour or two, to take a nap or watch a video. Or perhaps you need to write in your journal or talk to someone about how good you feel about pushing yourself to examine your issue. Perhaps you need to breathe and simply stay with how you are feeling. Often I feel so good after I’ve stuck with this process, I want to do something that makes me feel bad (eat or tense up and lose myself in busyness) because I am uncomfortable feeling proud of myself. It helps me to take a walk (you can see from this book I take a lot of walks) and say to myself, “It is okay to feel good. Nothing bad is going to happen if I’m proud of myself.”
See Resources.
But I Still Don’t Know What to Do!
Perhaps it isn’t time to make a decision yet. That time may come in five minutes, five hours, or five months, but perhaps it isn’t the season yet. What does it feel like to live with not knowing? Does it feel right? Does it feel right but scary? Or does it feel like you are avoiding making a decision? By not choosing, you are still making a choice. Change is the law of the universe.
Get comfortable again, breathe, and ask yourself:
What if there is a time component to your decision, a dragon breathing down your neck—like “Should I take the transfer or get married?” What if the luxury of waiting is not yours? First, do a reality check to be sure that this is so. Could you buy more time from your boss or your lover or whoever needs a decision now? Is there any feasible, sane way to wait? Again, only wait if it feels right. If you are not sure, it is time to do some more sitting or walking and asking, “What do I need to know?” You may want to repeat part of this ritual after taking a break. If you are trying to do this in the midst of your life, you may need to take a longer retreat outside your home. You may want to change this ritual by adding some parts of your own. You may need to seek more outside information and then come back to your quiet, still center.
For Long Retreats
This practice is best suited for a long retreat. Do each section separately, giving yourself breathing room in between. Include lots of healthy self-nurturing.
See Good Ways to Listen: Shadow Comfort for a definition of healthy self-nuturing.
For Mini-Retreats
If you are doing this on a mini-retreat, do one section per retreat. Try to do the retreats on consecutive days or every other day. Keep your question shrine where you can see it between retreats. Be sure to have an opening and closing ceremony each time.
For Retreats in the World
Not recommended except out in nature in solitude.
For Retreats with Others
Also not recommended except when using a friend or retreat coordinator to reflect back your decision.