‘I’VE GOT A burn in Room One,’ Kat told her chief. ‘I’ve left her rinsing it in running water for the next ten to fifteen. I’ve a woman with unspecified chest pain in Room Two, so I’m waiting for the results on her, and I’ve an ETOH in Room Four. He’s a frequent flyer so I’ve done the usual vitals and blood sugar and left him with a candy bar.’
‘And you’ve just completed discharge for Room Three?’
‘Right,’ Kat confirmed.
‘Okay, good. You were due off duty...’ the chief glanced down at her watch ‘...half an hour ago.’
‘It’s fine.’ Kat shrugged, thinking of her empty apartment.
The quiet had never bothered her before. In fact, she’d always rather welcomed the peace. But not now. Not since Logan had filled it with life and fun.
And she had to stop thinking that way.
‘Okay, have a good afternoon, and be glad you’re going off duty. This place isn’t too bad for now, but I’m betting it’s going to get slammed soon.’
‘I’m not betting against you.’ Kat smiled. ‘Although I think I’d prefer the chaos of the ER to the chaos out there.’
‘You’re not shopping at Christmas, are you?’ Her chief looked aghast.
‘Couple of last-minute errands, that’s all.’
No need to mention that she’d been putting them off for weeks, still in denial about Christmas without Carrie. But now there was no choice, they had to be done.
‘We missed you at the ball last week, by the way.’
Kat froze, unprepared for the well-intentioned comment. She cranked up her smile and wished it didn’t feel like a thousand needles in her face.
‘Yeah, well, I took an extra shift.’ It took everything she had to keep things light and airy. ‘A bit of extra money never hurts at this time of year.’
She didn’t need the money, but it was plausible enough. And certainly a better explanation than the fact that she hadn’t been able to stand the idea of facing Logan. Of seeing him talking to other women who would surely have made a beeline for him.
‘Ah, right.’ The chief nodded in understanding, just as Kat had banked on. ‘Anyway, have a good afternoon.’
‘And you.’ Kat managed one final smile as she walked away.
Then again, she couldn’t seem to win, she thought as she headed for the lockers to retrieve her bag. Her head was now swimming with thoughts of Logan, despite her best intentions.
She didn’t feel strong enough to face him again, and yet this last week had been horrible without him there.
To talk to, to share a laugh, or simply to go for a run.
He’d called her and texted her. And she still didn’t know how she’d had the strength to delete each and every one of his messages.
To pretend that she didn’t care when everything in her was screaming to go to him.
She hadn’t been able to bring herself to attend the ball, afraid that she would crumble and fall back into Logan’s arms if she saw him. Not that she knew he’d have wanted her.
Sorting her uniform out and gathering up her belongings, Kat headed for the atrium, calling out greetings on autopilot to various colleagues, even as her head swam with thoughts of one man.
She’d steeled herself for the gossip the day after the ball, of course. Telling herself that she was prepared to hear he’d left with someone else—she’d known from enough other nurses that they’d been intending to make a beeline for him that night. And Kat had told herself that her heart hadn’t lifted when she’d heard instead that he’d left early. Alone.
It made no difference to her. Whatever she and Logan had had, or hadn’t had, was over—and that was certainly for the best. There was only a finite number of times she could repeat that last part to herself without her brain finally realising it wasn’t true.
She missed him. So badly that it made her lungs hurt to simply breathe.
So much for coming to Seattle to keep her distance from memories of Carrie. Of loss. She’d ended up meeting Logan and letting herself get attached all over again. But it could only end in hurt.
Even if he wanted more from her, too, ultimately he would want things she could never give him.
Like a family of his own.
Thrusting aside the stab of pain, Kat hauled open the door to the atrium and shot through...only to practically collide with a large, well-built, painfully familiar figure standing just off to one side.
‘Logan?’
Half an exclamation, half a whisper. Her mind raced whilst her internal organs appeared to be playing a frenzied game of musical chairs.
‘Kat.’ He looked up, his expression lighting up for just a fraction of a second before he began to distance himself.
And she hated it. She hated it with a vengeance.
‘You’re not on duty today, what are you doing here?’
He eyed her strangely and, too late, she realised that she’d given herself away. That he would realise she’d been tracking his duties, moving her own shifts so that they didn’t coincide with his.
For a split second something flashed in his eyes, chasing away the guarded expression. It told her far more than she wanted to know, that she revelled in that fact.
‘I’m helping out at the grotto.’
‘Oh?’
‘They saw me in that tutu at the Christmas dash so I’m playing an elf,’ he deadpanned.
‘Oh.’
Belatedly, it occurred to Kat that he was teasing her. Her lips seemed to want to curve up at the corners of their own volition. All her carefully repositioned armour crumbled in an instant.
‘You’re not going to the grotto at all, are you?’ she challenged, chuckling.
‘I am,’ he assured her. ‘But I’m playing Santa Claus.’
‘Oh, I didn’t know. You never said.’
As if she had a right to know what went on in his life. So much for trying to keep her distance.
‘They only called me up this morning.’ He shrugged easily. ‘Some doc from Paediatrics was due to be playing the role, but they had to drop out when a major case came in overnight. I knew they had to be desperate to call me on my day off, so I said I’d stand in. It’s only for an hour or two.’
‘Nice of you.’
But not a surprise. She had no trouble imagining Logan volunteering on behalf of those kids who wouldn’t be able to go home for Christmas.
‘Reckon I’ll make a decent Santa.’ He grinned. ‘What do you think?’
‘Sure. Though not like any that I’ve ever seen.’
The words were out before she could clamp them back. Kat flushed hotly, but the fact remained that Logan would be the fittest, buffest Santa that Seattle General would have ever seen.
Or anybody would have ever seen, for that matter.
‘Is that so?’ Logan asked, as if he could read her every last lustful, terrible thought.
She didn’t dare look at him. The heat in his gaze was doing funny things to her body. Again.
Thrusting the indecent images out of her head, she plucked at the first neutral topic she could think of.
‘So, Jamie’s with your parents, then?’
Not exactly neutral, but enough of a distraction from X-rated thoughts of Logan as a naughty Santa.
‘No, he’s just over there, getting a hug and a selection box from one of the day-care assistants he saw as she headed off duty.’
Kat glanced over and recognised the young girl who she now realised was watching them a little too intently. Clearly, Jamie wasn’t the only Connors man the girl was pleased to see today.
‘You’ve brought Jamie with you?’ She fought to keep her tone bright.
Not to let Logan know that she’d noticed the girl or her interest in Logan.
‘Not by choice. Unfortunately this was the only day my parents couldn’t look after him. I’m hoping to keep him out of the way, though. He believes in the magic of Christmas so I don’t want him to recognise me dressed up as Santa and start questioning anything.’
‘No, of course not.’
A memory of Carrie swirled around her. This would have been the year when the little girl would have really begun to understand the magic of this time of year. Kat could feel herself starting to fall when Logan’s voice rescued her.
‘So, anyway, he’s going to be at the day care whilst I’m going around the wards.’
As if he’d realised where her mind had been headed.
‘And when you have to play Santa for day care?’ she managed thickly.
‘Ah, well...’ He cast her a wry smile. ‘Then I was hoping to talk someone into taking him for an ice cream or something.’
‘Is that your way of saying you were going to ask me?’
It was ridiculous how her heart thumped so heavily.
‘I wasn’t intending to,’ he told her, and she couldn’t tell whether he was telling the truth or not. ‘But it seems fortuitous that we should bump into each other, don’t you think?’
She didn’t want to think. It made her confuse notions as simple as coincidence for something far more romantic. Like fate.
‘You didn’t want to ask that day-care assistant?’ she couldn’t help asking, and was gratified when Logan pulled a face.
‘I think she might read a little too much into that, don’t you think?’
No doubt about it, Kat thought. Not that she was going to say as much. But then, before she could think of anything else to say, one of the other nurses poked her head around the atrium doors, relief smoothing her taut features as soon as she saw him.
‘Logan, thank goodness. Someone said they’d seen you arrive, but I wasn’t sure. The rounds are done and we’re just squaring the last few tasks away so now’s about the perfect window for Santa to visit. I’ve got the suit, and the kids are so excited.’
‘Fine, I’m coming now.’ Logan shot her a warm smile before turning to call Jamie.
‘Come on, champ, time to go.’
As the little boy turned and spotted her, Kat wasn’t prepared for the way his face lit up with unadulterated happiness.
‘Kat!’ he cried joyously, as emotion slammed into her, stealing the breath from her lungs.
And then he was dashing across the atrium on his little legs and flinging himself at her. She scooped him up, swinging him around and hugging him tightly, breathing in that young-child scent. So like Carrie, yet so much his own person.
‘Come on, champ,’ Logan cut in gently. ‘Let’s get you to day care, I have to go and work.’
Was it just her imagination or was Logan’s voice different somehow? Because of Jamie’s reaction to her? It had certainly blown her away, so how had it made Logan feel?
Then again, it probably wasn’t anything to do with her. It was more likely that he was concerned about keeping the kids waiting. They both knew that in hospitals like this there were only limited windows for visits from Santa in between rounds, meals, medication and handovers.
Logan needed to get going now.
‘I have one quick errand to run, but if you like I can some back and pick Jamie up from day care in time for that ice cream,’ she heard herself offering quietly. ‘You know, when your alter ego needs to go in there.’
He cast her a sharp look and, for a brief moment, she wondered if he didn’t realise she was talking about when he had to play Santa to the children. But then he spoke.
‘I wasn’t trying to make you feel obligated.’
‘You didn’t.’ She toyed with a smile. ‘Jamie did that all by himself.’
Logan didn’t answer immediately, and when he did she heard the faint glow of pride and awe in his tone.
‘Yeah, the kid will do that to you.’
It was like being invited into the privacy of their father-son relationship.
Like family, a voice whispered, before she quashed it, nodding robotically instead. Not adding that she wasn’t entirely sure if it was Jamie who had sneaked past her defences or Logan.
Or, more likely, both. And if it took more effort than it should have done to turn around and walk away from the pair of them, well, that could stay her guilty secret.
Kat raced through her task list. Somehow the prospect of returning to the hospital to Jamie, and to Logan, made the long-overdue errands far more palatable. Soon she was hurrying back through the doors to the main entrance and stowing her bags under the reception desk with a grateful smile.
Threading her way through the visitors and mobile patients, Kat headed for the day care, only slowing down to soak up the sight of Jamie playing, happy and oblivious, with a little girl she recognised as the daughter of a cardiac consultant.
A single mother. The thought sneaked into Kat’s brain, torturing her with images of Logan and Jamie playing happy families with the consultant and her daughter.
What was wrong with her? She’d been over this. She wasn’t doing this because she wanted something more with Logan, she was just helping out a colleague who was trying to do a good Christmas deed for the kids. And the sooner she got Jamie out of there, the less chance there was that Logan would appear and his cover would be blown.
Picking up her pace, Kat knocked on the door to the day care and waited for one of the assistants to let her in. And then, suddenly, as the door was opened to her and Kat looked inside, everything seemed to slow down.
She saw the other child sitting on Jamie’s untied shoelace a fraction of a second before Jamie launched himself towards another toy. Instinct made her lunge forward, but she was too far away and he hit the floor with a thud, landing on his arm.
He went from shouts of glee to shouts of pain in a split second. His cry was heart-wrenching.
‘Okay, sweetheart, you’re okay. I’m here,’ she said, reaching where he’d fallen and instinctively beginning to soothe him.
But she could tell something was wrong. Just the way he was crying and holding his arm. It wasn’t quite right.
‘Let’s get him to X-Ray.’ She turned to one of the day-care workers. ‘And can you get Logan Connors? He’s probably in Paediatrics now.’
By the time Logan reached the orthopaedic trauma unit, his heart hammering so hard in his chest that he feared it was going to punch its way right through his ribs, Kat had the situation well in hand and was just finishing up a festive cast on Jamie’s right arm.
‘I’m so sorry, champ.’ He hugged Jamie as carefully as he could, trying to discreetly check his son in the process. ‘I’ve only just got the message.’
‘Look, Daddy, a Christmassy cast.’ Jamie shoved the fractured arm under his nose, his face surprisingly wreathed in a smile.
The fear receded a little, but still he blew out a frustrated sigh as he turned to Kat.
‘I was just around the corner when the girl came in with the message, but no one realised it was me under that damned suit until now.’
‘It’s fine. We’re fine, right, Jamie?’
‘Fine,’ Jamie agreed easily. Kat had evidently worked her usual charm.
On both of them.
‘Though I can see you surreptitiously trying to check him over,’ she commented dryly. ‘He has a physical stress fracture. He tripped over and used his hand to try to save himself. The wrist took the brunt of it and the cast is to help with the pain.’
He raked his hand through his hair.
‘I came as soon as they told me, and I don’t want to leave him, but I haven’t finished the...’
‘Assignment?’ she supplied helpfully as he trailed off, glancing at Jamie, who was admiring the festive red colour of his cast.
It was impossible to tell whether the little boy was listening or not.
‘Right.’ Logan nodded, grateful to her. ‘I ditched the...clothing outside.’
It seemed he was often grateful to her. As well as something else that he was rapidly becoming sick of trying to fight.
‘It’s no problem. I can stay with Jamie.’
‘Thanks.’ His gratitude was evident. ‘I’ll be as quick as I can.’
‘Take your time,’ Kat suggested. ‘Better that you can’t be recognised.’
‘Who can’t be recognised?’ Jamie lifted his head curiously.
Logan told himself it was the earlier fear, and not Kat, that had fuzzed his mind and left him uncharacteristically scrabbling for a quick response.
‘Your superhero daddy,’ Kat improvised, when he wasn’t fast enough.
‘Oh.’
To his credit, Jamie looked a little confused before he seemed to shrug to himself and carry on with his proud inspection, just as one of the ortho nurses poked her head around the corner.
‘Kat, is this room free?’
‘Yeah, pretty much.’
‘I look like a robot.’ Jamie showed her proudly.
‘Yes, you do,’ the nurse enthused. ‘I think we’ve even got some special festive cast stickers at the nurses’ station. If you want to see, Kat, I can stay here with your patient and start clearing up. Oh...hi, Dr Connors.’
‘Afternoon,’ Logan managed politely, dropping a kiss on his son’s head and casting a grateful glance at Kat. ‘I’ll walk with you.’
The sooner he was finished playing Santa, the sooner he could get back to Jamie. And to Kat.
They were just hurrying out when he heard the nurse speak again, and they turned simultaneously, but it was too late.
‘So, little man, of all days you might have had to come to the hospital, today is the best one you could have picked. Because Santa Claus is in the main children’s ward right now.’
‘Oh, wow.’ Jamie shuffled his bottom off the bed, even as Logan felt his stomach clench in apprehension. ‘I’ve got something I really, really, really have to ask him.’
Kat just looked horrified.
‘Oh, no, Jamie... I don’t think...’
She tailed off as he cast her a devastated look.
‘I can’t meet Santa?’
‘Listen, champ...’ Logan began, but when Jamie’s eyes began to tear up he hesitated.
His mind raced with what might happen if Jamie recognised him. But Jamie was only four, and he truly believed in Santa Claus. Would his son even recognise him in that padded suit complete with beard and glasses?
‘I don’t see why not,’ he relented, his heart in his mouth. ‘Just wait here a little longer whilst Kat gets your stickers, then maybe she’ll bring you along.’
‘You’re sure?’ Kat whispered nervously beside him.
He wasn’t. But now the nurse had put the idea—however unwittingly—into his son’s head, how could he refuse? He’d just better hope that the disguise was a good as he thought it was.
‘It’ll be fine,’ he assured Kat, turning his back so that Jamie couldn’t see him. ‘Just give me time to get back in there.’
How was it that this one woman made him feel like anything was possible?
And, more to the point, what was he going to do about it?
If he hadn’t been so on edge about his son watching him, Logan might have enjoyed the moment as Santa a little more.
Child after child waited for their turn, telling Santa their name and their favourite things to do, and then the gift they wanted most. And despite the fact that he knew his fake accent was shockingly bad—a mixture of several accents he only half knew—Jamie didn’t appear to notice anything unusual.
Even Kat, clearly tense when she’d first accompanied Jamie to the ward, was now beginning to relax. Logan took that as a good sign.
Finally, it was Jamie’s turn, and he liked the way Kat followed the little boy up to where he sat, ready to help Jamie onto his knee so that he didn’t damage his injured wrist.
She caught his eye as he lifted his son up, that tell-tale flush creeping down her cheeks. He still affected her, which meant that her cold-shoulder treatment over the past two weeks was about her vulnerability, not about the fact that she wasn’t still attracted to him.
The thing was, he wanted more than just her being attracted to him. But what exactly did that mean? For himself, but also for Jamie? His son might love her company now, but that didn’t mean he would feel the same if Kat was in their life more frequently.
Maybe that would be too much for a young four-year-old whose mother had never really been present, even when she’d been around.
And then Logan caught Kat’s eye and something rushed him, chasing all the thoughts from his head. Right up until the moment his son started to speak.
‘I’m Jamie. I’m four.’
‘Hello, Jamie, who is four,’ Logan drawled in a stranger’s voice, quite convincingly to his mind. ‘And what are your favourite things to do?’
‘Hmm.’ Jamie cocked his head, stroking his four-year-old chin thoughtfully in some imitation of something he’d clearly seen.
Logan smothered a snort of laughter whilst Kat, as far as he could see, was doing little to keep her shoulders from shaking. But he wasn’t prepared when Jamie eyed him quite conspiratorially and started to speak.
‘I like the park with Daddy. And with Kat. And I like Kat baking with me. And I like it when Daddy is happy.’
He was spinning madly. Wildly. He could feel himself, but he couldn’t do anything to stop it. He would never know how he managed to make any kind of response.
‘And...what would you like for Christmas?’ he choked out, not that Jamie seemed to notice.
His little son was too caught up in his own thoughts.
‘The only thing I want for Christmas is for Kat to be my mommy.’
Everything seemed to stand still. Logan wasn’t even sure if his brain was working.
The simplicity, and impossibility, of the request rocketed through him.
When he’d wondered how Jamie would feel about Kat being a bigger part of their lives, he hadn’t anticipated this. How did he even begin to answer such a wish?
‘Jamie, I can’t...’
And even though he’d forgotten the accent, and the fact that he was Santa and not Jamie’s daddy, none of it mattered. Because Jamie was staring at him earnestly.
‘Daddy loves Kat. Kat loves me. Daddy loves me. Kat loves Daddy.’ He ticked them off in his little hands as though he was forty, not four.
‘Jamie...’
‘Nana says they do,’ he continued blithely. ‘I heard her tell Gramps.’
Logan felt a pang of compassion for his mother. She would be mortified if she knew Jamie had overheard her.
But that didn’t make it true. He and Kat had an agreement. No strings, no hassle. And it had been working just fine for them so far.
Hadn’t it?
Suddenly he couldn’t be sure any more.
‘I tell you what, ch... Jamie,’ he corrected just in time. His son would realise his true identity immediately if Santa slipped up and called him champ. ‘I can’t make any guarantees, but what if I promise to see what I can do?’
Jamie swivelled his head and fixed him with a bright, trusting gaze. But Logan was even more aware of Kat’s shocked, deeply unhappy expression.
‘You’re Santa,’ Jamie declared confidently. ‘You can do it.’
It took all of Logan’s not inconsiderable acting skills—and he was never more relieved that he was a doctor, not an actor—to carry on after his young son clambered down from his knee and the remainder of the kids took their turns.
He barely knew what he was saying to them, his mind still locked firmly on Jamie, and on Kat.
Less than an hour ago he’d been acknowledging that Kat had changed his life. That things he’d thought impossible a few months ago were starting to feel real. Like opening up his life—and Jamie’s—to someone new.
No, not just to someone. To Kat.
But it had taken his four-year-old son for him to finally acknowledge exactly what he’d meant by that. Exactly how much he wanted Kat in his life. In their lives. Making them better, fuller, happier. And how was it that even his mother had seen it before he had?
Still, his mind whirred with exactly where he was supposed to go from here.
The next hour passed in a blur. It felt like an eternity before he was able to politely excuse himself, go and change and return to Jamie, but he knew he must have done all right when the ward manager thanked him profusely afterwards.
Still, a part of him knew that once he collected Jamie from her, Kat would dart off. She would do everything she could to avoid having a conversation with him about what she’d overheard Jamie say.
And when, indeed, that was exactly what she did, it was almost like a triumph to realise that he could read Kat Steel precisely as well as he’d imagined that he could. That he could knew her better than she knew herself. That she wanted to be with him—and with Jamie—as much as he’d thought she did.
Perhaps all he needed to do was to convince her how much he wanted them to be a family? Kat and him and Jamie.
And, in time, expand their family further?