It was late when Jay got back. She helped her sister upstairs to bed, got some ice for her own face, and sat at the kitchen table. She was beyond weary.
As soon as she’d heard Kelly’s voice on the other end of the phone, she’d known her sister was in trouble. Kelly never called unless there was a problem. She preferred to write long, rambling letters when she was high on heroin—her drug of choice.
Despite that, whenever she called, Jay was powerless to stop herself from going to her.
Twice before, she’d had to pick Kelly up from the police station. Another time, she had turned up to find her sister brawling in the street with an angry landlord who was evicting her, Kelly’s possessions scattered in the street around them.
This time, it was a boyfriend. He’d beaten the shit out of Kelly because he was convinced she was hiding drugs from him. Jay had walked right into the middle of it. She’d managed to pull him off her sister, taking a couple of good hits herself. She hadn’t hit him back, though she was confident she could have taken him. He had the wasted body of a long-term addict and looked fifty when he was probably only half that.
Jay had to be careful. The last thing she needed was to be hauled up in court on assault charges. With her previous conviction, she would definitely do time. Instead, she’d bundled the battered Kelly into the Jeep and taken her to the hospital.
Despite practically begging her, Kelly refused to press charges or go into rehab. She agreed to come back with Jay, though the chances were she wouldn’t stay long. She’d be on her way back to London to score more drugs in no time, even though she’d told Jay she wanted to get clean this time.
A knock at the door roused Jay from her dark thoughts.
* * *
Shannon saw a shadowy figure approach. She had watched from her cottage most of the evening, waiting for Jay’s Jeep to go by and feeling a little like a stalker again.
A little like a stalker? Come on, Shan. That’s exactly what you’re turning into.
Just when she was about to go to bed, she saw Jay’s truck rumble by, and relief flooded her. At least she was safe. She waited half an hour and then drove up to the farm.
The door opened, framing Jay in the doorway. Shannon gasped when she saw her face.
“Oh my God, what happened?” Without thinking, she pushed her way in, grasped Jay’s face, and turned her head towards the light. Jay’s jaw was red and swollen. A dark bruise was starting to form beneath the skin. Her eye was swollen and bloodshot; a dark purple bruise surrounded it.
* * *
Jay pulled her head out of Shannon’s hands and stepped back. “What are you doing here?” It came out harsher than Jay meant it to. All the same, she had enough to deal with. Her sister was a mess, and here was Shannon complicating everything further.
“I…” Shannon faltered. “I came earlier to apologise for last night. I know it didn’t look good. Henry told me you had a family emergency in London. I wanted to make sure you were okay.”
“I am,” Jay said, suddenly weary again.
“You don’t look it, Jay,” Shannon replied softly. “Did you go to the hospital? Those bruises look nasty.”
“I did. And I’m fine. Look, Shannon, now’s not a good time. Can we talk later?”
“Sure.”
Jay wanted to stop her, tell her she didn’t mean it, and ask her to stay. She wanted to bury herself in Shannon’s arms and just let the world fade away. But she couldn’t even if she wanted to. Besides, she wasn’t sure if she even knew how.
For most of her life, Jay had had to rely on herself. Even though she desperately wanted to take the support Shannon offered, she was scared.
Besides, it would only make things more painful in the end. Better to endure this hurt now before they were too deeply involved than to suffer even more pain when Shannon left her again.
Jay sat back down at the table after Shannon closed the door behind her.
“Who was that?”
Jay turned to the voice on the stairs. “You’re supposed to be asleep, Kelly.”
“Shut up, Jay. I’m not five anymore.” Kelly came to sit opposite her. “Who was it?”
“No one.”
“It didn’t look like no one to me. Here, put this back on your face; it’s swelling up.” Kelly reached across and handed her the ice pack.
“I think you need it more than me, Kelly.”
Jay looked at her sister and felt the anger come up fast and hot. Whatever Jay looked like, Kelly looked ten times worse. Her face was a battered, swollen mess.
“Don’t, Jay,” she said softly. “I’m okay.”
“He beat the shit out of you, Kelly. I should have beaten the shit out of him.”
“Yes, Jay, because that would have made things better,” Kelly replied harshly. “Helped the last time too, didn’t it?” She pushed back angrily from the table and stomped upstairs.
“Kelly!” Jay called.
“Fuck off, Jay,” she called back.
* * *
Two days passed since the night Shannon had gone to Jay. The depth of the pain had been unexpected. Shannon didn’t want to think about what it meant. Not the fact Jay hadn’t wanted to see her, or why she so desperately wanted to offer comfort.
It was the rage she felt when she saw what someone had done to Jay. She wanted to find them and hurt them back, which wasn’t like her at all.
She didn’t get those kinds of feelings about anybody. Sure, she’d thought about Jay over the years—a lot—but the more time that passed, Jay had become like a fantasy to her, a good place to go to when things hadn’t been so great. She’d never expected to see her again, so when she had, she’d imprinted all of those fantasies onto the real Jay. Shannon had turned her into something she wasn’t. She didn’t even know her!
That night when Jay had asked her to go was for the best. From now on she would leave her alone—like Jay seemed to want.
Shannon was feeling stronger, better in body and mind. She had put back on some the weight she’d lost, and soon she would be ready to go back to her life. It was for the best.
Shannon was about to start preparing her evening meal when there was a knock at the door. “Who is it?” she called, stepping into the hall.
“It’s Jay.”
Shannon’s heart did a quick somersault which she tried to ignore. Doesn’t mean anything. It’s just biology.
“What do you want?” she called again, not moving.
“Shannon. Please open the door?”
Something in Jay’s voice had Shannon worried. She slid off the security chain and opened the door.
“What’s up?” she asked as Jay stepped into the cottage. She didn’t look any better than she had the other night. If anything, she looked worse. She was pale, which made the dark circles under her eyes stand out all the more. The bruises had turned an angry black and purple on her jaw and around her eye. Without thinking, Shannon reached out and stroked her face. “You look terrible.”
“Thanks.” Jay tried for a grin, but it didn’t quite reach her eyes. “Look, I’m sorry about the other night.”
“Don’t worry about it.” Shannon dropped her hand, turned abruptly, and walked back to the living room.
“It was rude,” Jay said quietly, following her.
“Look, forget it. It’s fine. Why are you here, Jay?”
As she watched Jay in the soft, muted light, Shannon’s heart hurt. She was so beautiful, and for a moment the broken places inside stopped throbbing.
“I need your help. It’s my sister.”
“What’s wrong with her?”
“She won’t let me take her to the hospital—won’t let me call a doctor…”
Shannon waited and watched Jay’s features contort with anger, then fear, then resignation. Jay sat heavily on the sofa, head in hands. Shannon resisted the urge to go to her and instead sat in the chair across the room. “What is it?”
“She’s coming off drugs. Cold turkey and I don’t know what to do for her.” Jay met her eyes, the torment riding close to the surface.
“Oh, Jay.” Shannon did go to her then and sat close. She stroked the back of her neck, her back. “What is she on?”
“She won’t tell me, but I’ve seen needle tracks on her arms. I know she was on heroin a few years ago, so I think it’s that. Fuck.” Jay punched the arm of the sofa. Hard. Then she leaned back with her head against the sofa and her hands over her face. “I’m sorry I came here. I don’t know what I thought you would be able to do.”
“I’m glad you came. I have some experience with this,” she said reluctantly and waited for Jay to judge her. When Jay held her gaze, it was kind and unflinching so she continued. “Not heroin, but… Well, it doesn’t matter. Point is, she needs rehab.”
“I know.” Jay nodded. “She won’t go. She gave me a shopping list instead.” Jay pulled a folded piece of paper from her jacket pocket and handed it to Shannon.
Shannon glanced down, seeing flu remedies, high-sugar energy drinks, and tablets for upset stomachs. She knew that list well. “Have you ever seen someone come off drugs?”
“No.” Jay shook her head.
“It gets pretty fucked up. When did she stop?”
“She hasn’t yet. What sort of sister does that make me? Letting her sit upstairs with her stash. She says she’s going to stop today. That’s why she needs this stuff.”
“They have this in the village?”
“Yes.” Jay nodded.
“Okay then. Come on.” Shannon stood.
“Come on what?”
“Let’s go get the stuff. We’ll head back to your place and help her do this.”
“You don’t have to help, Shannon.”
“Then why did you come to me if you didn’t want my help?” Jay stayed silent and stared at the floor. Shannon softened. “Come on.”
* * *
Shannon waited in the Jeep while Jay went into the small food shop. This was her first time in the village, and it looked exactly how she imagined it would.
Grey stone cottages with thatched roofs, narrow streets, and a large green space in the centre, complete with duck pond and cricket pavilion. Shit, there was even a little church with a sign out front advertising the Easter fete next month. ‘Tombola! Live music! Hog roast!’
Jay climbed back into the Jeep and handed her the plastic bag.
“Get everything?” Shannon asked.
“Yes.”
“Hey?”
“Yes?”
“You ever go to that?” Shannon nodded in the direction of the sign.
“It’s on every year. Yes, I usually go. Why?”
“I’d like to go too. Take me?”
“It isn’t until next month.”
“I know.”
“If you want.” Jay started the Jeep and drove them back to the farm. Shannon didn’t know how long she would be here or even what she was doing with her life, but the idea of going to the fete with Jay made her happy.
* * *
Jay put the plastic bag on the kitchen table. “Kelly?” she called. “We’re back.”
Shannon looked up as a small woman descended the stairs. Her face was a mess, puffy and swollen, black and blue.
Shannon thought Kelly was probably about her own age, though she looked a decade older. The roots of her hair were dark, her natural colour most likely the same shade as Jay’s. She had bleached it to within an inch of its life, so that it looked brittle and straw-like.
Her eyes were beautiful. As she came closer, Shannon saw they were the same deep chocolate as Jay’s and framed by thick, long lashes.
“Hi, I’m Shannon.”
Kelly took the hand offered, and Shannon noticed it was delicate and birdlike. Kelly gave her a small, shy smile, so much like Jay’s.
“Yes, I know who you are. I love your films.”
“Thank you. That’s very kind of you to say so,” Shannon replied.
“Well, this is all very surreal.” Kelly turned to her older sister.
“Sorry, Kel. I was so worried, I didn’t know what to do.”
“I have some experience of what you’re about to go through.” Shannon turned to Kelly.
“You reckon?” she responded harshly.
“Kelly,” Jay warned.
“I know how trite that must sound to you. But it’s true.”
Kelly regarded her, her eyes glittering and hard. “Jay? Did you get my stuff?” she asked, still looking at Shannon.
“Yes, on the table.”
“Thanks.”
“Kelly, when was the last time you used?” Shannon asked. Kelly seemed fairly with it so it wasn’t in the last few hours.
“None of your fucking business, Florence Nightingale,” she shot back. “Look, I’ve done this before. I’ll be a week with withdrawal and then fine again.”
“If you’ve gone cold turkey before, then you obviously weren’t fine again. You need rehab—”
“Give it a rest, will you? I don’t need your help, and I don’t want your help.”
“Kelly—” Jay started to say.
Kelly spun around. “You can fuck off too, Jay. Both of you can just mind your own business.” Kelly snatched the bag and went back upstairs.
“Sorry. She’s embarrassed, I think,” Jay said apologetically.
“Don’t worry about it. Any chance of coffee?”
Kelly may have thought she was just a pampered princess who lived on another planet, but Shannon knew what was coming next. And they would need plenty of coffee for it.
Shannon sat down at the table and watched Jay move around the kitchen. There was something comforting and peaceful about it.
Shannon relaxed.
“Mama!”
Shannon and Jay both turned at the same time. Shannon watched as a small figure began a wobbling walk down the stairs.
Jay was quick. Before Shannon had even stood up, Jay was on the stairs, snatching up the little person, lifting him high in the air, and making him squeal with delight before she brought him safely back down in her arms.
She descended the stairs. The little boy had his arms wrapped around her neck.
“Shannon, meet Alfie. Alfie, meet Shannon.”
What the fuck? “Hey, Alfie,” Shannon said, slightly dazed.
“Mama!” he shouted in return and reached for her.
“He calls everyone that. The only word he can say at the moment. Well, that and s-h-i-t.”
“How old is he?”
“Two and a half.”
Shannon looked at the boy who was still reaching for her. He looked exactly like Jay, which wasn’t surprising; they were clearly related. His eyes were large and brown. His hair was almost black.
“Hey, buddy.” She held out her arms, and Jay passed him to her. She bounced him while he played with her necklace. “You didn’t tell me about him.”
Jay looked at her a little sheepishly. “Sorry. I didn’t really think to tell you about Alfie. With everything else that was going on.”
“It’s okay. I mean, why would you? Of course you’ve had a life in the ten years that we’ve been apart—”
“No! Shannon, no.” Jay’s eyes widened. “He’s not my son. I would never have taken you out the other night and not told you I had a kid.” Jay came towards her. “He’s Kelly’s. Like I said, he calls everyone mama.”
“Oh!” Shannon felt a huge surge of relief, unsure why. Liar. You know exactly why. Alfie began to wriggle in her arms, so she dropped him gently to the ground. He toddled off into the living room.
“He’ll be okay in there. I babyproofed it already. Haven’t gotten a stair gate yet though. Luckily Kelly already had a car seat.” Jay frowned.
“Jay, you know this is a total mess, right?”
“What do you mean?”
Shannon blew out a breath. “Kelly has a baby. Going cold turkey is the worst idea. She needs a hospital, a treatment programme. Do you know the success rate of going it alone?”
Jay shook her head.
“Well…neither do I. But I know that it’s pretty fuck—damn low.” She glanced at the entrance to the living room and hoped Alfie hadn’t heard. He didn’t need another swear to add to his repertoire.
“It worked for you,” Jay said quietly.
“No, Jay. It didn’t.”
“But you’re clean.”
“Now I am. Six months clean. Because I went into a programme. Not because I sweated and shook in my bedroom for a week.”
“She won’t go. I tried, Shannon. I told her I’d pay for it. I said I’d look after Alfie so he wouldn’t have to go into care. She said no.”
“I’ll talk to her.”
“Go ahead. She’ll probably tell you the same thing.”
* * *
Shannon paused outside the door to Kelly’s bedroom. From inside came the sound of talking—Kelly was on the phone. Not wanting to eavesdrop, Shannon knocked. Downstairs, she heard another squeal from Alfie and Jay’s laughter.
“Come in,” Kelly yelled.
Shannon walked in, noticing the phone on her bedside table still lit up from her recent conversation. Kelly followed her eyes. “I wasn’t trying to score if that’s what you were wondering.”
“It wasn’t. How are you feeling?”
Kelly let the lie go. “Okay, at the moment. You met Alfie?” She picked up the magazine that was next to her on the bed and began to flick through it with feigned nonchalance.
“I did. He’s a cutie.”
“He looks like Jay. Weird isn’t it?”
“Well, she is his aunt.”
“I know, but I mean he really, really looks like her. It’s a good thing I suppose. It’ll make things easier, if…you know…”
“I don’t understand,” Shannon said, worrying that she did, and not sure how to handle a conversation like that.
“Never mind.” Kelly sat up and turned towards Shannon. She put aside the magazine. “I imagine you’re here to tell me to go to rehab.”
“Yes. This really isn’t the best way to do it. You need a programme, therapy—”
“What did Jay tell you? About me, I mean?” Kelly watched Shannon for her reaction. She seemed more curious than annoyed.
Shannon had the feeling another conversation was going on here, one she didn’t really understand. “Not much. Nothing, in fact, before today. She told me you were going cold turkey. She told me she thought your addiction was to heroin.”
“That’s it?”
“That’s it. She’s really scared for you, Kelly.”
“Jay likes to protect me.” Kelly’s voice held a little triumph, and something else. Something petulant. “She always has. She doesn’t care what it does to her. What happens to her. She loves me.”
“I can tell that,” Shannon said softly.
“She’ll do whatever I ask. All I have to do is click my fingers, and there she is. Like a little dog.”
“Hey—”
“Do you know why she has all those bruises?”
“I imagine it has something to do with you.” Shannon kept her voice even.
“My boyfriend was beating the shit out of me. He thought I was hiding drugs from him—which I was. Jay came and pulled him off. He punched her a few times.” Kelly shrugged. “Want to know where Alfie was?”
Shannon didn’t. She felt sick. She felt anger rise up inside. She wanted to add a few more bruises to this woman’s face.
“Where?” she managed to get out.
“In the same room. Screaming his head off. He was there for most of the day. When I’m flying, I completely forget about him.”
“Why are you telling me this?” Shannon kept her voice level.
Kelly shrugged again. “So you’ll fuck off?”
“Kelly, I know you don’t believe me, but I have been where you are.”
“Oh, save it will you? I’m really not interested in your Oprah moment, Shannon. You know, I like your films, but in real life you’re actually quite annoying. I don’t need your help or your charity. Once I’m straight I’ll be out of here so you and Jay can continue your…whatever little dyke romance you have going on.” Kelly picked up the magazine again. Shannon knew when she was dismissed.
* * *
Shannon went back downstairs and into the living room. Jay was on the sofa with Alfie in her lap, reading him a story. They were both engrossed, so Shannon sat in the armchair across and watched them.
Kelly was right; they did bear a striking resemblance. She watched the baby. He was wide-eyed as Jay read the story, doing all of the characters’ voices. Shannon felt unspeakably sad. This is probably quite a few steps up from sitting in your own filth, watching your drug-addict mom get the shit beat out of her.
Jay finished the story with a flourish. Alfie clapped his hands. “Mama!”
“I think that means he liked it.” Jay looked up at her, smiling.
“I think you’re right. You’re pretty good at stories.”
“Thanks.” Jay deposited Alfie on the floor. He zeroed in on a pile of building blocks.
“She gave you a hard time?” Jay asked, studying her.
“Yes, she did.”
“I’m sorry. She can be…”
“I know. Does she pull the same shit with you? Try to make you hate her?”
Jay’s head snapped up. “You’re a quick study.”
“I’m an actress. Does she?”
“I—”
“Jay!” Kelly’s voice came from upstairs.
“Shannon, would you mind—”
“Sure, I’ll watch him. Go.”
Jay hurried from the room, and Shannon sighed. She got up from the chair and joined Alfie on the floor, where they began building a tower with the bricks. She got to about six stories before Alfie wobbled to his feet and kicked them over.
“Again!” he cried triumphantly and laughed. Shannon couldn’t help but laugh with him. She began building another tower while he watched with interest, waiting for another opportunity to kick them back down.