Opening her eyes, she realized last night wasn’t a dream. War had been declared, and it took away the love of her life. She understood why Ben joined the cause. He felt it was his duty to stand up for the rights of the states. She just wished all the tensions would not have bubbled over and resulted in war. The men who fired on Fort Sumter were praised for an act that resembled dumping the tea in Boston Harbor all those years ago.
It wasn’t the same for her, though. Dumping the tea didn’t take Ben away from her. This war did. She didn’t know when or if she would see him again. All she had was her memories and his ring on her finger. It wasn’t a wedding band because she chose not to marry him before he left. It was a decision she hadn’t made lightly, but she still wondered if she should have made the other choice. Should she have married him? He was going to war, and he could die. Last night might have been the last time she would see him.
Getting out of bed, she walked over to the window and saw nothing different. It was as it was yesterday morning, when she went to the park with Ben. How could she go from being the happiest girl in the world to this? She never would have thought her life would change over the course of a few hours, but it did. When President Lincoln declared war on the Confederate Southern States, life as she knew it was over. Four words, and everything she knew faded to black. Four words destroyed everything she had ever known. Everything came down to one word, war.
“Kathryn, you need to eat,” her mother said behind her. She had been so lost in her thoughts she didn’t even hear her mother come into her room.
“I know, Mother.” She mumbled. “Do you think I should have married him before he left?” she asked, turning to face the woman who gave her life.
“Benjamin is a good man and I want him as my son-in-law, but it was your decision, and I support you,” her mother replied walking into the room. “You know what’s best for you in your heart, and no one can fault you. I know you love him.”
“I feel I broke his heart,” she shared, as she sat on the edge of her bed.
“You might have, but he understands. He loves you for you.”
“Does he understand?” she asked. “I’m not sure anymore,” she whispered, as her mother sat down beside her and wrapped her arms around her.
“Baby, you know your heart, so trust in your decision. This war won’t last long, which means he will be back before you know it,” her mother said, as she rubbed her back and shoulders. “In the mean-time, you can start planning your wedding.”
Kathryn nodded, as she eased out of her mother’s embrace and stood up. “I’ll get dress and be down to eat,” she said, as her mother nodded before leaving the room.
Standing up, she began to get dressed for the day. She was tempted to dye her clothes black to signal she was in mourning. She wouldn’t, though, because Ben wasn’t dead. It would send out a bad omen, if she started wearing black, and she didn’t want his death on her conscience.
~ ~ ~ ~
“Well how is she?” Gregory Alexander asked, as Maybelle walked back into the morning room.
“She’s not good, Gregory.” Maybelle sighed as she sat down next to her husband. “I am worried about her.”
“Our daughter just said goodbye to the only man she has ever loved, give her time,” he said, placing his hand on her back. “She will settle down and be her old self in time.”
“I do not like seeing our daughter like this.” She whispered leaning into his side. “Promise me he will come back.”
“You know I can’t, my dear. He is traveling to join the Army of Northern Virginia,” Greg supplied slowly. His heart was heavy for his daughter, as Benjamin journeyed north.
“What does it mean?” she asked, pulling back to look up at him.
“It means he might not come back,” he stated gravely as tears formed in her eyes. She was worried about their daughter and how she would take it if Benjamin died. She feared her daughter would shut herself off completely. Benjamin must survive the war if only to put the smile back on her daughter’s face.
~ ~ ~ ~
Kathryn leaned against the wall, as she listened to her parents. She knew Ben was traveling north, but she never thought it would be that far. Closing her eyes, she held back the tears that threatened to spill. Why hadn’t she just agreed to marry him? He could have stayed here a few more days. She still would have said goodbye to him.
Breathing deep, she straightened away from the wall and walked into the morning room. She saw her parents when they noticed her. They quieted down and watched her closely.
“Since we are all here, let’s move to the dining room,” her mother said jumping up. She watched her father stand up slowly. “Come on,” her mother said, as she looped her arm through Kathryn’s and led her out of the room, down the hall, and into the dining room.
They did not have a big house but there were still several rooms.
It was nothing like Twin Willows, though. Benjamin’s house was huge and had been in the family for years. His grandmother loved the land so much she built a home there with her husband. The name even came from her. She birthed twin stillborn sons and in her grief she planted two willow trees side by side. The willows protected those graves to this day. The estate was renamed in the following weeks as she healed.
Kathryn didn’t know if she would be able to live through the death of a child. She knew she wouldn’t be able to live through Ben’s death. Closing her eyes, she quietly said a quick prayer for him to come back to her once the war was over.
“Since we have time on our hands, where do you want to get married?” Maybelle asked her daughter.
“I don’t know,” Kathryn replied as she thanked the servant who set her plate in front of her.
“What about Twin Willows?” her mother asked. “You love the house, and there is enough room to get married there.”
“I know but can we not talk about it right now?” she asked. “I’m sorry; I just don’t want to discuss a wedding that might not happen.”
“Oh dear, Ben will come back home,” Maybelle said, jumping up and rushing to her daughter’s side. “You have to believe.”
“You don’t know that!” Kathryn yelled as her emotions burst forth. “You cannot guarantee me he will come home. You cannot tell me he will not die!” she shouted as pain clogged her throat.
“No I can’t, but you have to be hopeful.” Her mother said softly.
“Mother, please.” She whispered as Gregory cleared his throat.
“Dear, Kathryn has a point. You have plenty of time to discuss the wedding,” he stated. “She needs time to settle down. There have been many changes in her life,” he said, as Maybelle nodded.
“May I be excused?” Kathryn asked as Maybelle sighed and walked back to her chair.
“You need to eat.”
“I know, but I’m not hungry,” she said.
“Fine, you’re excused,” her mother said as she nodded and left the room. She grabbed her bonnet before leaving the house. She couldn’t stay in the house a moment longer. Walking swiftly, she found herself in the park. It was busier than yesterday, but she still felt all alone. She walked to their spot and closed her eyes. She pictured him as he was yesterday and heard his words echoed.
"Kathryn…" he started as she looked up at him.
"Benjamin," she said as he took a deep breath. She never saw him this nervous except when he asked if he could court her. Something was up with him; she just didn’t know what it was.
"I love you," he said slowly. She loved hearing him say those words. They always made her feel special.
"I love you, too," she said with a smile.
Ben squeezed her hands before coming down on one knee in front of her. "Will you marry me?" He asked simply as she squeezed his hands. It was such a simple proposal, but it was perfect for her.
"Yes," she said simply as he smiled, released her hands, grabbed the ring from his pocket, before slipping it on the ring finger of her left hand. He stood up and pulled her close to brush his lips against hers to seal their engagement.
"I've wanted to kiss you for a week now," he stated pulling back from her.
"Oh Benjamin!" she whispered. "The ring is beautiful," she said holding her hand up to look at it closely.
"I've been carrying it around for a while," he admitted. "Thankfully, your father can keep a secret from you," he said as she smiled.
"You asked my father before me?" she asked still somewhat dazed he asked her to marry him.
"Yes," he replied. "When I asked to court you, he made me promise I would ask him for your hand in marriage first," he explained.
"He just wanted to know before my mother," she remarked, as she picked up her parasol.
"I think he might have mentioned that," he muttered still smiling. "Since I'm sure your parents are waiting for us, we better make our way back," he said as she looped her arm through his. They made their way back to the carriage, both walking on clouds and lost in their own thoughts.
"Our mothers will want to start discussing a date for our marriage," she informed him.
"You can count on it," he said as he helped her up into the carriage and tucked in the step, before grabbing the reins from the boy and climbing in.
She was in bliss during the ride back. The world was beautiful and full of color. It stayed that way until four words, shouted in the ballroom, drained the color from her world. It was a dull gray now.
Why hadn’t she told him she would marry him last night? It would have been wrong to marry him under those circumstances. These things couldn’t be rushed. She didn’t want to be rushed. She deserved to have a husband with a wedding. With the war, he would have left only a few days later. Several of her friends were rushing to the altar so they could be married before the men left for war. It was their choice, not hers. The moment the war was over, though, she would be the one dragging Ben up the aisle.
Sighing, she cleared her head and made her way out of the park. The streets were busy with families sending their boys away. The fathers were smiling and slapping the boys on their backs, while the mothers were crying and waving their handkerchiefs around. The boys were about to become men. They were already men, she guessed, but they were very young men. If they survived, they would come back changed.
She knew several men rushed to sign up last night and again this morning. Everything was happening fast. She hoped they were right and the war wouldn’t last long. President Lincoln even believed the war would be over quickly.
“Kathryn, how is Benjamin?” Robert Jackson, one of her childhood friends, asked. He was in a light gray uniform that looked like Ben’s.
“He left this morning,” she replied. “When do you leave?” she asked.
“Two days; Henrietta is marrying me tomorrow.”
“Congratulations,” she said keeping her emotions under control.
“It’s not going to be anything big, but she’s okay with it. She says we’ll do it up right when the war is over.”
“I’m sure it will be lovely. Give her my blessings,” she said, as he nodded. “I better let you go so you can get everything in order before you leave.”
“Take care, and don’t worry; we’ll lick those Yankees in a month,” he stated with a smile as she nodded before walking away.
She glanced once more at Robert and prayed he was right. She wanted them to lick the Yankees in a month so Ben would be back. The one lingering thought was what war only lasted a month?
~ ~ ~ ~
“Kathryn, you are looking well,” Lydia Sawyer commented the next day. Lydia was Ben’s mother but she loved her too. She got their invitation to dine this morning and knew she couldn’t say no even if she wanted too, which she didn’t. They were to be her future in-laws.
“Thank you, I am finally accepting the fact he had to fight in this war,” she stated, as she sat down in the parlor. “Thank you for inviting me over today.”
“Oh, Joshua and I wanted to see you. I feel it has been way too long since I’ve seen your pretty face,” she said, smiling as Kathryn smiled back.
“It hasn’t been long, Mrs. Sawyer.” She commented.
It had only been a few days since she had seen them in the ballroom.
“How are you, Kathryn? I still think my son should not have left you,” Joshua stated as he walked into the room. Kathryn knew Joshua didn’t support his son’s decision to join the war. He was mad Benjamin decided to do this on his own.
“I am good today, but it is a constant battle,” she replied. “He asked me to marry him before he left, and I’m the one who said no,” she informed them because she didn’t want them to think he hadn’t done right by her.
“You had every right, my dear. My son should not have expected you to say yes under those terms,” Joshua commented.
She knew he was still angry, but she didn’t like it. Father and son shouldn’t fight especially when the son was fighting in a war.
“Mr. Sawyer, I love your son and I understand why he chose to fight,” she said, placing her hands in her lap.
“Oh please not this subject again,” Lydia stated. “I cannot hear you talk about Benjamin again,” she said, as Joshua nodded.
Apparently, there had been fights about Ben. Lydia would always support her son even if she didn’t agree with his decision either.
“Where is Hannah?” Kathryn asked changing the subject.
“She is on her way; in fact I suspect she will be walking through the door in a matter of moments,” Lydia remarked, as she nodded.
Hannah was Ben’s little sister. She was only a year younger than herself, so they got along great. Hannah was the reason she met Benjamin in the first place. They were at a ball, and his sister pointed her out to him. Apparently, he saw her earlier in the park and wanted to talk to her. She was pulled out of her thoughts by the sound of the front door slamming.
“Ah, there is my daughter now,” Joshua stated, as he stood up. “Hannah,” he called out, before she appeared in the doorway.
“Oh Kathryn, I didn’t know you were coming tonight,” Hannah said rushing into the room.
“It was a last minute invite,” Lydia supplied. “You were already gone so I couldn’t tell you.”
“Let me change, and I’ll be back down in time for dinner,” she said as Lydia nodded to her daughter.
Kathryn smiled as Joshua sat back down. “How are your parents?” he asked her.
“They are well,” she answered. “Mrs. Sawyer, my mother is ready to start planning the wedding. She wanted you to let her know when you are ready.”
“Is now too soon?” she asked as everyone laughed.
“For her, no it’s not too soon,” she remarked. “I am sure she would love for you to call on her tomorrow to discuss some details.”
“Then I will be over bright and early,” Lydia stated. “A wedding,” she sighed. “Thank you for allowing us to help you plan.”
“There are so many details for a wedding, and I know I can’t do it by myself,” Kathryn voiced. “You will probably want to bow out after meeting with my mother.”
“Oh no, I love planning parties. Your wedding will be amazing,” she stated.
“Well, if the groom comes back,” Joshua muttered.
Kathryn still heard him, and she was sure Lydia did too. Lydia didn’t say anything though; she continued to talk about what she thought Ben and Kathryn should do for the wedding. She already had lots of ideas, so it would be interesting to see her and her mother discuss everything.
Hannah finally came down. She changed out of her green morning dress to a pale blue dress.
“Since everyone is here, let’s take this to the dining room,” Joshua stated as he stood up. Lydia and Kathryn stood up as well. He led them into the dining room and signaled for their food. Ben’s family owned slaves as hers did. He had more, though, but she knew it always made him uncomfortable. He hated the thought of owning people, but this was his father’s estate. It was one of their fights before Ben left.
Once dinner was served, they talked more about the wedding. They finished up, and Joshua drove Kathryn home in his carriage. It wasn’t Ben’s, but it was okay with her. She didn’t know if she could ride in it with anyone else especially since he gave up his horses for the war effort.
“You know Ben still loves you,” she said, breaking the silence.
“I know, dear. I love him, but I’m worried,” he stated. “Fathers are not supposed to bury their sons.”
“I’m sorry,” she whispered as he pulled up in front of her house. “Thank you.”
“You are welcome, and Kathryn, I hope for your sake he does come home,” he said, as she nodded before walking into her house.
She thought about what Mr. Sawyer shared with her. He was hurting and in pain just like the rest of them. He was just hiding it under anger which wasn’t a good thing. His anger could eat him alive. He needed to make peace with Ben’s decision, and she was going to help him.
~ ~ ~ ~
The next day Mrs. Sawyer showed up at her house bright and early. Her mother was excited to see Lydia. Hannah came along as well, which put her at ease. She didn’t have two mothers to wrangle alone.
“I think they should get married at Twin Willows,” Maybelle stated as they sat down to eat breakfast.
“Oh I agree, it would be perfect,” Lydia said. “It should be under the willow trees.”
“Are you ladies going to talk about the wedding all morning?” Her father asked.
“Of course, dear,” Her mother said, as he nodded and stood.
“Then I will bid you good day. Lydia, it is always a pleasure to see you,” he said, before leaving the room.
Lydia and Maybelle watched him leave before laughing. “Men,” they said at the same time.
“Now what about those willow trees?” Lydia asked as Hannah rolled her eyes for only Kathryn to see. The two of them sat back and ate while their mothers discussed everything including what Kathryn would wear.
“I thought about a white wedding dress,” she said breaking into their conversation. It was her wedding day after all.
“White?” her mother gasped. “No, it is just not done. You will wear blue for your purity.”
“Queen Victoria wore white to her wedding to Prince Albert,” Kathryn pointed out.
“Good for her but you are not the Queen of England,” Maybelle stated. “You will wear blue just like I did, just like your grandmother did, and just like Lydia did,” she said, as Lydia nodded.
“Mother, it is fashionable to wear white,” she said, trying again.
“I do not know what you have been reading but you are not wearing white,” Maybelle stated.
“We will have to order the dress, but I’m afraid it will be almost impossible to get it from Paris,” Lydia stated.
“What do you mean?” Anna asked.
“Well, the Yankees are trying to bottle up our harbors. Jefferson Davis is working on a plan to combat the problem,” Lydia explained. “There are some men who did not sign up to fight who are sailing through the blockades.”
“This just adds to the fact the postal service has been suspended,” Lydia commented.
“What?” she asked.
This was news to her. She hadn’t heard the service was suspended. It wasn’t the best news for her right now.
“I heard from the Millers that Lincoln suspended the postal service to the rebellious states.”
“No, the post offices split,” Hannah explained. “We still have service, just limited at the moment. The blockade runners will be helping with getting letters to the troops as well.”
“How do you know?” Kathryn asked.
“I talked to the post master. He confirmed it,” she replied. “They wanted to make sure the soldiers got their letters from home.”
“Makes sense,” Lydia said. “Has Ben written to you?” she asked, looking at Kathryn.
“No, not yet,” she answered. “Hopefully soon though.”
“Don’t worry; he will write you,” Lydia promised. “He loves you.”
“Now back to your wedding; I think we need to order some lace,” Maybelle said, as Kathryn sighed and listened to what they were saying without processing it.
She was thinking about why she hadn’t received a letter from Ben yet. He promised to mail her when he reached camp. He left in mid-April; he should have been there by now. Had something happened to him? She prayed not.
~ ~ ~ ~
Tension was high as rumors started flying around. She along with everyone else wondered when the first battle would happen. Everyone waited for those first gunshots throughout all of May and June. It was near the end of July on the 21st that the first battle was fought. She waited with everyone else at the telegraph office the next day for the lists of the wounded and dead. They won the battle, but there was still loss of life. The idea this war would be over in 90 days was long gone. This battle proved neither side was really ready for battle, never mind a war. It was going to be a long hard fight before a victor could be named.
Closing her eyes, she sent up a quick prayer hoping Ben was still alive. She hadn’t heard from him since he left early that April morning. She wasn’t sure if it was good or bad news. He had to travel a distance, so she wasn’t really sure if he made it to the camp or not.
“I need everyone to stand back; I have the lists of the wounded. The dead are still being identified. Please stay calm and pass around the lists. We do not have enough paper to print everyone a page,” Mr. Smithville called out.
He was one of the older men who wanted to go to war but felt his duty was here.
He started passing out the pages. Screams pierced the air as everyone began to read the lists. After 10 minutes she finally got one and quickly read down the list. She held back tears for those she knew. She couldn’t hold back her relief, when she didn’t see Ben’s name, but then she remembered this was only the wounded list. The death list still needed to be read.
Twenty minutes later, Mr. Smithville passed out the death lists. She toned out the screams and crying from the people around her. He could not be dead. He could not be dead. As soon as she got a list, she scrolled down the names. Tears rolled down her cheeks as she read the names of her friends and people she knew all her life. There was one name she did not see, thankfully. Ben was alive at least as far as this battle was concerned. How could she handle this after every battle? She would be out here, though, because she would need to know if he survived. She wouldn’t be alone, thankfully. There would always be someone out here trying to find out about their loved ones.
~ ~ ~ ~
Over the next several days, more and more men signed up for the war. So many men signed up and left that there were more women in town than men now. The only men left were either too old, too young, or ran a major business. Thaddeus Morgan was one of the men who stayed in town. He was unmarried but helped out with his mother Grace, who was still grieving over her husband. His father died suddenly last year making him the head of the bank. He ran the Bluff City Bank where her family did business. Grace was one of the tellers. They were family friends and people she held dear, which is why she stopped beside the town church to talk to Grace.
“Kathryn, your mother said you were not well,” Grace said, as she placed her hand on Kathryn’s shoulder.
“Oh I’m fine. Don’t worry about me,” She voiced, hoping she didn’t look as lost as she felt.
She still hadn’t gotten a letter from Ben, and she was starting to worry. He promised to write as much as he could.
“Dear, you have been walking around in a daze,” Grace mentioned, and she could hear the concern in Grace’s voice. “Is this about Benjamin leaving?”
Kathryn sighed and nodded. “It is about him leaving. I question whether I should have married him before he left,” she shared. It was a question she asked herself at least ten times a day.
“Do you really believe it or are you worried you may never see him again?” she asked knowingly.
“I don’t know, but I am worried. This is a war not some game.”
“I know, but you have to trust in your own decision. Sweetie, you know your own mind better than anyone else. He will come back. He is a strong one,” Grace said stepping closer to Kathryn.
“Thank you,” she whispered.
“No problem, I know it’s hard saying goodbye to the only man you’ve loved, but it will get better,” she stated, and Kathryn knew it was advice from her experience. “Now if you need to talk, just come by the bank.”
“What about your son? Won’t he get mad if I visit you at work?” she asked.
She didn’t know much about banking, but she did know Grace had a job to do.
“Thaddeus won’t care,” she stated with a smile. “Believe me, I have him under control.”
“Okay, I’ll remember that little fact,” Kathryn said. “I better get back home before my father comes looking for me.”
“Have a nice day,” Grace said, before walking in the opposite direction from her.
Kathryn finally made it to her house. She looked at the mail stacked on the side table in the entryway. Lying on top was a letter, she never expected. She screamed out, smiled, and started spinning around.
“What’s wrong?” Her father asked rushing into the entryway.
“Ben sent me a letter!” she shouted, holding the letter close to her chest, while still bouncing up and down.
“Calm down, it’s only a letter. The man isn’t back yet,” he said with a smile, before leaving the room again.
She shook her head and raced upstairs to her bedroom. Jumping on her bed, she carefully opened the letter and began to read it. She couldn’t believe she finally got a letter from him.
Dear Kathryn, May 1861
I pray that this letter finds you well. I know you are reading this with bated breath wondering if this letter finds you too late. We have finally reached the camp. I know you have been worried about me and the other guys, as we journey north to join Robert E. Lee's Army. The journey was rough, since I knew that it carried me miles and miles away from you and our sleepy little town.
I wish that Lincoln would have just let the South leave the Union peacefully, but after Fort Sumter I knew that he would not. April 15, will forever be etched in my mind as the date that our lives ended. I knew when Lincoln called forth for troops that everything we knew was about to change.
You know I do not support the war, but I do support the reason for the war. I heard more states have joined the Confederate States. The guys say Tennessee finally left the Union, so we all wonder when the first official battle will be.
There are rumors that Lincoln wants to attack some of our boys at Manassas Junction, which the Yankees are calling Bull Run for some strange reason. I fear, if the Yankees do attack there, that General Jackson will stand his ground. He and his men are ready to die for the cause. The Yankees are not as prepared as those men, though. Even though I am in the mist of the camp, I feel like the war is still just a dream. We all wait in anticipation of where the Yankees will strike first, still hoping that the war will be over in 90 days and we come out the victors.
Please know that I love you, and if I could, I would have married you before I left. If you change your mind, when I come home on my furlough, I will have you in front of the preacher that day. I cannot wait until the day that you become my wife.
Please give my love to my mother. I know she worries as much as you do.
Pray for a short war,
Your soldier preparing for battle
She noticed the date at the top and saw it was already two months old. The mail was always slow but with the suspended service, she was shocked the letter even made it to her. Those blockade runners deserved a medal or something. They brought her hope from the Army of Northern Virginia. She re-read the letter three more times before getting off the bed and sitting down at her writing desk. The way he signed his letter made her sad but she understood. He explained before he left that he couldn’t sign his name to any letter due to others possibly getting ahold of it. Smiling she penned her letter to him.
My love, July 1861
It was great to receive your letter. We heard about the battle at Manassas Junction, but the papers are calling it Bull Run. I am not sure why there are two different names for the same battle. Apparently, the Yankees name places differently than we do. Were you there in the battle? I did not see your name among the list of dead or wounded, so I still have hope that you are alive and well. Please stay that way throughout this war. I could not bear it if you were to die that far away from me.
Your mother wanted to let you know that she loves you and that she was happy to see you had time to write. She also wants you to be careful, and come home to give her grandbabies to spoil. Your father is still not saying much, but I know that he is proud of you for joining the cause, even if you do not support the war.
I will not change my mind on marriage until the war is over. I do not want to be a widow because of this war. Many of my best friends are already widows with only this one battle. Please do not pressure me to change my mind because I will not. I love you and will marry you the minute that the war is over and you come home to me. Not a moment sooner.
I wait for your next letter to know that you are alive and well. Please do not be heroic during battle like I know you want to be. I do want you to come home to me. Remember I love you, and know that I am praying for a short war as well.
All my love,
Kathryn
Once she was finished, she rushed to the post office so she could get it in today’s mail. With the split of the post offices, the mail only went out on certain days. Today was one of those days and she wanted to hurry up and get some of home back to Ben.