The first time they stopped Millie went to the nearby creek and sat down in the water, since it was a pretty shallow. She had asked Wilma for some lye soap and she scrubbed herself good. She didn't bother taking her clothes off, they stunk too. She soaped herself good, and washed her hair.
Her hair shone, in the morning sun.
When she came out, her clothes clung to her, and there was Joe, staring at her.
She straightened her clothes and walked around him with her head high.
As she passed him she whispered, "The dress stunk too."
He stared after her.
Later, that afternoon, they stopped again.
"Come here, Millie," Wilma encouraged when the wagon train stopped and waited for word from Joe on how far up the next train was and how the lay of the land looked.
Wilma had been talking to a woman and the woman seemed to practically gush. Millie watched the interplay between the two women and smiled. They had walked up about six wagons and Wilma had stopped off to talk to a few of the women along the way.
"This is Doris Leachman, she's newly married on the train." Wilma introduced her.
Millie smiled pleasantly, "I'm pleased to meet you."
"Wilma tells me you are headed for through Nebraska Territory to marry?"
Millie hung her head and nodded, "Yes, that's right."
"I hope you'll be as happy as me and Abner."
"Thank you," Millie tried to smile but it wasn't in her. There was nothing to look forward to. The closer she got, the more she wanted to run away. She knew she had to go through with it, but she wished with all her might that she could run away from the responsibility. And talking about it only reminded her how much she wanted to forget about it for a while. But she put on a happy face.
Married to a man of fifty, who covets wealth beyond anything else was not her idea of happiness. Still, these people didn't know her troubles and there was no sense telling them. She'd shared too much with Wilma, but the woman had a way of dragging things from her. Determined to keep her troubles to herself, she tried to join in the enthusiasm the woman had for marriage.
Wilma saw Millie drift off after a while and found her sitting under a willow, alone.
"Millie, is something wrong?" Wilma asked as she approached her.
Tears began to fall now; she couldn't hold them back any longer. She'd promised herself she wouldn't allow a pity party, but sometimes the tears just rolled.
"Oh child. I'm sorry. I'm so worried about you." Wilma cried, standing over her.
Millie swiped at her eyes and turned her head, "No, it's me that should be sorry. I'm ever so grateful to you for letting me ride with you… You just don't know."
"Child…you don't have to marry the man. Maybe you could just go to Oregon with me."
Millie sighed heavily and glanced at her. "I wish I could, but I don't think that's an option. I sent him a letter that I was coming just before I left home, but I doubt he's even got it yet. He said the mail ran sluggish out here. And I wish I could get it out of my head that it's so wrong. But how can I ever have feelings for a man that's forcing me into a marriage I don't want? I'm doing the best I can to be brave about this decision. Maybe I should be grateful to him. Most men avoid me like the plague. My own Pa acted as though he thought I'd never marry. That's why he agreed to send me to school. And that's the truth. Well, you seen how Joe reacts to me, and he doesn't even know me. There's something about me that repels men."
"Give it over to the Lord. He knows best, girl." Wilma sat down beside her and pulled her into her arms. "And there's nothing wrong with you young lady. You are so pretty, all that beautiful hair, and those dark eyes that flash when you talk. You don't even know do you?"
"Know what?"
"That you are a beautiful young woman."
"If I was beautiful, men would pay attention to me. But they don't. And as for the praying, I've prayed every day. But nothing happens. And now that I'm here, on this wagon train, there seems like nothing will stop it. Nothing. Maybe I'm looking at things all wrong. Maybe I should see it as a new adventure in my life. After all, I've never been married, I'm not sure what all I should expect from it."
"Child the Lord works in mysterious ways you know."
Drying her eyes, she stiffened. "Wilma, please, the next time I break down and cry, slap some sense into me. I can handle this. I'm strong. I know I can. Women have been pioneering for years through floods, famines and blizzards. They've worked land that won't produce, they've bore children without doctors. I can at least do this!"
"I feel as though, if your father knew, he'd stop you, somehow."
"Of course he would, and Hudson would take the land and father and the boys would have no home. I can't allow that to happen. Not after all the work he's put into the place, and the boys too. You just can't imagine how beautiful that place was. How hard my folks worked to make it so? I owe him Wilma."
"But child it's not your sole responsibility." Wilma cried.
"You don't understand, I thought we were the richest people in Missouri. I really did. That's how ignorant I was. Educated yes, but ignorant. We had the most beautiful piece of land in the world. Everyone envied us. I grew up thinking that. Although I might be considered educated, I didn't realize my folks were going under because I was going to college, and then my mother took sick. When you come from a place as great as Shenandoah, you think the world must be at your feet. I was rudely awakened. Spoiled even. Even my brothers told me I took too much for granted. Now I know what they meant. But not any more. I used what little money my folks had, to get an education, so I could help everyone out later. That was my plan. I didn't realize it might be a lot later."
"What do you mean?" Wilma persisted.
She fidgeted nervously now. "Well, one of my classmates was a girl. She got out before me. She came back to visit me later and told me that practically no one would let her work on them. That she had to take a part time job in a café to make ends meet. Even if I had graduated, I'm not sure I could support my family right away. It could take years. When I realized that, that's when I decided I would give it up. People just don't trust women doctors yet. And it might be years before they do. I couldn't help my family by being a doctor, so I decided to help them the only way I can, by marrying Hudson. You see I’m not sacrificing myself, it's a debt I owe."
"Never thought about that. People come west because they want change. But when it stares them in the face, they don't see it. It will be a while before lady doctors do well out here, even." Wilma nodded. "So then what happened?"
"Nothing. I simply realized that I took money from my folks for four long years, Wilma, without the slightest regard. Draining them. Money that would have paid for the place. Paid for my Ma's illness. Now it's wasted. I have no degree and my father may not have a home long. I have to right the wrong of it, Wilma. It's up to me. I lost my degree, but I am still alive, still able to do some good from what I've learned. Perhaps Hudson will let me finish my degree through the mail or even send me to finish my schooling I'd have to take another year over, but it could be done. If only he will, I could forgive him everything else."
Wilma studied on that for a moment. "Well, I see your point, but, every parent wants their child to succeed. That's why they paid for your schooling. They must have thought it worth it, to you. They did that because they love you. All parents do this, Millie. All parents sacrifice for their children."
"It's not just that Wilma. Like I told you, men ignore me most of the time and I think deep down they didn't think I'd ever marry anyone. They did it to help me. So schooling would have been the second choice from them."
"But you're beautiful Millie…"
"I've never seen myself that way." She said quite dully. "And I've never had men busting down my door to call upon me. Never! There's just something about me. Men don't like me."
"You've got the most beautiful head of hair, and eyes that dance when you talk. Men should be beating down your door to get at you. I'd have given anything to be so beautiful."
"No man or boy, has ever treated me like I’m beautiful. And that's the Lord's truth. I never got invited to dances. I think for one thing, my parents always bragging on my schooling turned boys away. My parents saw this later and realized that I'd probably never marry."
"Then they are crazy. You aren't spoiled Millie, or you would never be doing what you are fixin' to." Wilma smiled. "Alright, maybe we are looking at this all wrong then. You are determined to marry this Hudson, and make things right for your family. Then you must also determine to love him and be his wife, because you yourself are making the decision to wed." Wilma said standing up. "Women in the west are strong women. Determined women. Many mail-order brides have never met the man they are going to marry until they come thousands of miles to do so. You are no different, you don't know what awaits you. He's rich, he can give you everything your heart desires. Especially since you're not entangled with any man now. You must practice being happy about it."
Millie stared at her with her mouth hanging open. "Your right of course." Millie's eyes brightened. "From this day forward I will do my best not to whine and complain about it. I must find a way to look forward to the future." Millie said and stood up. "I'm sorry. I was throwing a pity party for myself. I've been doing a lot of that lately. I have to stop."
Wilma wrapped an around her shoulders and they walked back to the wagon.
"Tell me about yourself Wilma. What was it like being married to three different men?" Millie asked as she got up on the wagon seat to dig the pots out of the wagon so they could cook the evening meal.
Wilma took the pots from her hands and thought about it a minute. "Each one was different in their own way. And I was happy with them all. Isn't that positively sinful?"
"I think it is grand that you can say that. To find three men in a lifetime to love, that is quite remarkable. Were they all a lot a like?"
"Heavens no. Not a one of them. Pete was an ex-miner, a little rough around the edges but such a good kisser. When you're young, kissing is important. Remember that. And George, he was a banker, made good money, but he was a little on the starched side, I had to remind him from time to time to have a little fun. And then I married Leroy. Leroy was a hand holder. Many a night we'd lay outside and sleep and we'd watch the stars, he'd talk into the night, holding my hand, telling me tales. He was the dreamer of them all. But Millie, I loved every one of them in a different way. I really did love them all. I guess I'm fortunate in that. And I'm not beautiful."
"Really. I think beauty is something that seeps out of a person, and makes them that way. Why even Joe loves you. I can't imagine loving even one man, much less three."
"Well, you're young yet." Wilma smiled.
"Most women my age are married and have children, Wilma. I'm actually almost old age material. But tell me, how'd you know you were in love?" Millie asked. "I mean people talk about being in love all the time. But how do you know? Are there signs or something?"
Wilma thought about that a moment. She started the fire and Millie peeled some potatoes.
"All I can do is speak for myself, but there are telltale signs, for one, you get sweaty hands. And if they come too near, your heart goes to thumpin'. Hard. There's a certain amount of peace too, that surrounds you. You just feel good, bein' with them. They don't have to do nothin' or say nothin'. Just being beside them is enough. Every word they speak means somethin' to you. Every smile. You'll know, because it isn't like anything else you've ever experienced." Wilma smiled reflectively.
"You make it sound wonderful." Mille laughed. "But you know, love passes some people by."
"It is wonderful, most of the time. But of course, when they are sick, it isn't. When they are mad it isn't. But most of the time it is…" Wilma nodded. "The trick to that is to keep them well and happy."
"Before I went to school, my best friend, Cherry Rogers fell in love. We were just finishing up school and she'd been going to dances with this fella. He was sweet on her. She'd get the dreamiest expressions on her face sometimes. I thought she was sick at first, then she told me." Millie laughed.
"But you never had those feelin's?" Wilma questioned.
"No…you see, I learned that the better you were at school, the more the boys didn't like you. I learned that the hard way. If they thought you were too smart, they didn't like you. And if you had ambition, they really didn't like you. But I wanted to learn, and I put it first. And…I have to admit, I've had little to no experiences with men or boys. It's not that I don't like men, it's just they don't like me. Sometimes I don't understand it. I feel like I have a plague or something."
"Didn't you go to any dances?" Wilma asked.
"Some, but usually I went with my folks. That kind of put a damper on it." Millie explained. "You don't understand; at school the boys didn't like me. I was in the wrong profession. Women belonged at home having babies. That was their mindset."
"Then you've never had a beau?"
Millie shrugged. "No…I guess not. Jason was a friend, and he kissed me once, because we talked about love all the time, neither of us had any experience in it. But…nothing happened. So we just kept on being friends. I danced with some at the dances, and a couple of them kissed me goodnight, but they were sort of pecks, and nothing sparked between us. But most of them already had a steady gal. Most of them only wanted friendship, and that was okay, I had a lot of friends at home. Not so many at school though. Men seem to think there is something wrong with a woman who knows things they don't. And I did show off a time or two in class. That sure didn't make me any friends. I wouldn't admit this to a soul, but…I was terribly lonely at school. I showed off wanting everyone to be impressed. I impressed no one, and only managed to make things worse."
"Well, that's a shame. Every girl should have at least one experience in her lifetime." Wilma frowned as she brought out some beans she'd soaked the night before. She readied the skillet for cornbread. "It's such a shame…"
"Don't fret, all people aren't the same, Wilma. I'll get along. Maybe it's best I haven't had a beau. I mean, since I don't have one, I have nothing to compare Matt Hudson with, and I leave nothing behind me…And who knows, maybe I'll learn to love him in time. They say when a body is good to you, you sort of fall in love with them."
"Well, I guess that's true, but I sure wish you had someone to at least compare him to. Has he ever kissed you?"
Millie thought about that. "Once he tried, when I was sixteen. But I moved and got out of his way in a hurry. At sixteen he was an old man. I thought it…well, he made me feel…dirty."
Wilma sighed. "Every girl should have at least one experience with a boy to reflect on in her older age."
"I'll be just fine Wilma. Remember, I've got to be more positive."
"Yeah," Wilma continued her work. "We'll certainly have to work on that. Won't we?"
Joe rode into camp as they were eating and Wilma called him over.
"Won't you join us for supper, Joe?" Wilma invited.
"Thanks, but I have to report to A.J." Joe said, eyeing Millie with curious intent.
"Fine, you'll miss a good pot of beans and cornbread."
Joe hesitated, glanced at Millie and shook his head. "Maybe another time…"
Wilma frowned as he walked off.
Millie looked up. "Does he usually join you for supper?"
"Sometimes." Wilma shook her head with disgust. "I really wanted him to get to know you…Joe's a fine young man, knows a lot about nature and living. He's like the salt of the earth."
"Wilma…the man doesn't like me. He's made that pretty clear. It's all right. I understand. To him, I'm just a stow away. Maybe it's best we leave it that way. I've certainly had enough of men that didn't want my company." Millie smiled at her. "The more you push him, the more he won't like me. Let's leave it be, shall we?"
"He's a good man, Millie. He really is…" Wilma looked at her.
"I believe you. But, forcing someone to do things isn't the way to win them over. I should know…" Millie said.
Wilma sighed, "I guess you are right. But it's not like him to shy away from anyone, like he does you. In fact, I find that rather strange. You're the only girl I've ever seen him run from."
"Maybe he thinks I am a criminal. Nothing strange about it, he doesn't like me." Millie understood it. "A lot of men have shied away from me, Wilma. I've been trying to tell you that. Why should he be different?"
"But he doesn't know anything about you. He has no idea you've studied being a doctor. He's has no reason not to like you."
"He knows enough. I'm a stowaway and that is all he obviously needs to know." Millie chuckled. "I always seem to be the wrong person, in the wrong place, at the wrong time. I've gotten used to it over the years."
"It doesn't bother you?"
"Why should it. Like you said, he doesn't know me. And I'm sure he just considers me extra baggage. More to worry about."
"I swan, child, you'll never find a beau with an attitude like that." Wilma said and cut the cornbread and buttered it.
"A beau is the last thing I need, Wilma. especially now."
They ate together and Millie enjoyed the meal, she was so hungry, it was the first substantial meal she'd had in two days and she was starved. She had two helpings of everything.
Together they washed the dishes and put everything away.
Wilma had an old rocking chair that she sat out, and she rocked in it for an hour after they ate, reading her bible, then she told her she was going to bed.
"You ready for bed yet?"
Millie sighed, "I'd enjoy rocking in your chair for a while. I like listening to the sounds at night. Do you mind me sitting in it?"
"For heaven sakes, no child, help yourself. One thing I never asked you? Can you use a gun?"
Millie nodded, "A shotgun, or a rifle, but not a handgun."
"Good. I keep one handy at the back of the wagon. If you ever need it."
"Thanks, I'll remember that."
"I'll lay out a blanket for you."
"Thanks…" Millie smiled.
"It had been a good day," Millie was getting to know Wilma and used to her routine. She liked it here on the wagon train. She sat in the rocking chair and closed her eyes, the sounds of the night were like music to her. Crickets chirped, an old owl high in the tree tops hooted. Grasshoppers buzzed about. She even thought she heard a frog.
Memories of the Shenandoah flitted across her mind. A smile formed on her lips as she sat there. Those were all good memories.
She heard people talking, kids scampering to bed, women putting dishes away. Men checking on horses. It was peaceful sounds.
She closed her eyes and fell asleep, determined to look forward to her future. After all, what did she know about marriage anyway. Maybe she'd love it!