CHAPTER 11
The soup nourished Josh’s body and soul. Between the love Rachel put into the food and the small boy who needed help to spoon soup into his mouth, Josh’s contentment at being in the kitchen grew until he wished he’d never have to leave. Rachel had taken the baby upstairs, and the soft strains of a lullaby drifted downstairs.
He cleaned Zak up as much as possible, considering his tomato-splattered shirt, and pulled a chair over to the sink. The two of them washed and dried the dishes, and Josh mopped up the water Zak sloshed out of the sink. Then they headed for the stairs, Zak in Josh’s arms.
As he passed Betty’s door, he stopped and tapped lightly.
“Come in, Josh,” she called in a cheery voice.
How had she known it was him? He smiled at her. “Have you eaten? I could bring you some spaghetti soup, if you’d like.”
“Danke, I’ve already had my supper.” She studied him. “It’s been a long time since you’ve come to visit. I’ve missed you.”
A lump rose in Josh’s throat. He’d missed her too. And Rachel. And everything this family and this house meant to him. He wanted to get out those words, but he couldn’t.
She smiled as if she understood. “No mistake is too large to fix if you truly want to.”
Josh started. Did she know the truth? He wanted to ask her what she meant, but he wasn’t sure he wanted to know. He longed to ask Betty if there are ever mistakes too gigantic to forgive, although he already knew the answer. But what if you were too ashamed to confess?
Zak rested his sleepy head on Josh’s shoulder. “Rachel said you wanted to talk to me, but maybe I should take this little guy up to bed first.”
Betty nodded. “You do that. I’ve waited for years. I can wait a little longer.” As he turned to go, she added, “Holding a little boy suits you, Josh. I told Rachel I couldn’t wait to see her with an infant in her arms.”
His gut clenched. Seeing Rachel holding Marianna had filled him with a whirlwind of feelings and desires, but the thought of her married to someone else roiled his stomach. He was glad he’d turned his back to go upstairs, or Betty might read the truth in his expression. She’d always been good at that.
Once when he was young, he’d knocked over a vase, and when she asked who did it, he scuffed his toe on the floor and tried to come up with an excuse for the broken pieces on the wooden floorboards. Rachel stood there, silent. She’d never accuse him, but she wouldn’t lie.
“Look at me, Josh,” Betty said gently.
When he lifted his head, her eyes, soft and caring, but also expecting the truth, met his. He couldn’t tell the fib he’d been planning. “I did it,” he admitted.
She made him clean it up, then she hugged him. “We all make mistakes,” she’d said, “but it’s always best to own up to them.”
And he’d never forgotten that lesson. Except one time. And that time had cost him his relationship with Rachel.
* * *
Cuddling Marianna close, Rachel rocked back and forth in a rocker her dawdi had carved as a wedding gift for her mammi. As the baby neared the last of her bottle, her sucking motions slowed, and Rachel sang a soft hymn. Holding such a precious, sweet-smelling bundle in her arms created a deep longing to have children of her own. If only . . .
“Rachel?” Josh whispered. He peeked into the room with Zak in his arms. The small boy held one finger to his lips, and Josh nodded at him. “Good job. We need to be quiet so Marianna stays asleep.”
“I didn’t hear you coming up the stairs.” The intimacy of being in the nursery with children swept over Rachel, hushing her words to match Josh’s.
“We tiptoed”—he gave Zak a conspiratorial look—“didn’t we?”
A small blond head nodded vigorously, and Rachel smiled at both of them.
“Danke. I think Marianna is asleep.”
The baby’s rosebud lips had parted, and her tiny chest rose and fell with each sigh of breath. Across the room, Zak leaned his head on Josh’s shoulder, and his eyes drifted closed. The tenderness in Josh’s face as he glanced down at the little boy tugged at Rachel’s heartstrings.
She wished she could freeze this moment in time to warm her during the long, lonely days and nights. Nights when she dreamed of Josh’s arms around her and jolted awake in a chilly, empty bed. Days while she quilted and daydreamed of a different future. A future encapsulated by this moment.
Josh broke the spell by setting Zak on the bed. Rachel, eager not to let Josh see where her thoughts had floated, stopped rocking and started to rise, but she’d settled too deeply into the worn seat.
“Wait.” Josh hurried across the room. “Let me help you.” He reached down for the baby.
As he slipped his arms under Marianna, he brushed Rachel’s arms, sending shock waves through her. If her fantasy were true and they were married, she’d reach up, wrap her arms around his neck, and draw him toward her. Then their lips would touch . . .
Josh swallowed hard. Had he been as affected by that touch as she had?
Rachel lowered her lashes so he couldn’t see the longing in her eyes and soul.
“I—I should go down and see your mamm.” Cradling the baby, he headed to the crib and lowered her gently to the mattress. Then, without turning around, he rushed out the door as if he couldn’t get away fast enough.
Had he sensed her reaction? Rachel had no right to view him like that, not when he had a girlfriend.
Lord, please keep my heart and mind pure and focused on Your love. And give me a generous heart and help me to rejoice over Josh’s choice of a wife.
* * *
Josh took the stairs two at a time, fleeing from temptation. Helping Rachel with the children had warmed him all the way through, and he’d loved every minute of it. He enjoyed caring for his nieces and nephews, but somehow sharing those duties with Rachel made everything so special, so—
He broke off. Better not to dwell on the yearning she stirred in him to have a family. Because when he imagined it, Anna Mary didn’t enter the picture, but Rachel did. A future he could never have.
His heart pounded rapidly—as much from being around Rachel as from his marathon down the stairs—and he stopped outside Betty’s door to compose himself. He didn’t want her to know how muddled his life had become since he’d spent so much time with Rachel over the past week.
Betty had eagle eyes for liars. And for pretense. She’d see right through his ploy of disinterest in her daughter. Josh couldn’t fool Betty for a minute. Maybe it would be better not to try. But where would that leave him?
“Josh?” Betty’s voice came through the door faintly. “If you’d rather not come in, it’s all right.”
Ach, he hadn’t intended to hurt her feelings by standing out here. He pushed open the door. “Neh, I’ve been looking forward to talking to you.” Mostly. Except for the topic of Rachel.
“For someone who’s eager to see me, you spent an awful lot of time in the hallway deciding whether or not to come in.”
“That’s not what I was doing.” Although he had been worried about her guessing his mixed-up emotions. “I was just trying to, um, get my thoughts straight.”
“Hmm. That sounds like you were making up stories to tell me instead of confessing the truth.”
He started to say neh, but one glance into her eyes, and he changed his mind. “I guess I was. I have some things I want to keep private. And I know you have a way of pulling information from people.” He smiled to soften his words, but she’d know what he meant.
Betty chuckled. “I won’t pry, if that’s what you’re worried about. And you don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to.”
Josh heaved an audible sigh. A great weight lifted. She’d given him permission to keep his feelings to himself.
“That’s a huge amount of stuff you want to keep from me.” She motioned to an armchair near her bed. “Have a seat.”
He settled close to her and struggled with how to start a conversation when he had so much to hide.
“You don’t have to be scared of me passing judgment or passing on your information. I don’t have much chance to share gossip.”
Josh wished he could pour out his troubles the way he used to. As a boy, he often spilled his secrets to Betty. He told her things he didn’t want to admit to his parents. She always talked him through it and helped him figure out the best solutions. His concerns bubbled up and almost spilled over at the caring on her face.
She patted his arm. “You don’t have to tell me now. It seems like you’re not ready. But if you ever need some advice or just a listening ear, I’m happy to help.”
“Danke.” Would there ever come a day when he’d be open enough to tell her his problems? One huge confession stood in the way of being totally honest and transparent.
“Keep in mind I’m very forgiving. And so is Rachel.”
Had she guessed the reason he’d stayed away from them all these years?
“Relax, Josh. I don’t plan to question you or put you on the spot. I only wanted to ask you a favor.”
“Of course. I’d be glad to do anything for you.” After all she’d done for him, it was the least he could do.
“It’s a big responsibility, but I don’t know anyone I’d trust more than you.”
“It doesn’t matter how large it is. I’ll do it.” Maybe, in some small way, it would help to atone for what he’d done.
Exhaling a long, slow breath, Betty leaned back on the pillow and closed her eyes. Tears trickled down her cheeks as she said in a broken voice, “I’ve waited so long for this day. I kept hoping you’d come back.”
Josh’s insides twisted. Why hadn’t he checked up on her? The answer came loud and clear: guilt. Plus, he hadn’t wanted to cause her and Rachel any more grief. “I’m sorry.” The words, heartfelt as they were, seemed inadequate. And though he didn’t say it, he meant the apology for more than not being here when she’d needed him.
“I know.” Betty struggled to a sitting position and fixed damp eyes on him. “Every day, I get weaker and weaker, and Rachel has to take on more and more. She quilts until the wee hours of the morning and then gets up early to take care of me and the house.”
Everyone in the g’may knew Rachel supported her mamm by quilting, but he had no idea she stayed up late to do it. The church should have been helping her. Neh, not just the church. He should have done something.
“And now she has two little ones to care for. I don’t know how she’ll do it all. My daughter’s strong, but it’s a lot for her to handle. She needs help, Josh, but you know as well as I do, she’ll never ask.”
He nodded. Rachel would do everything herself.
Betty gave him a pleading look. “You take care of my girl. Please promise me, Josh. I know I can trust you.”
More than anything, Josh wanted to assure Betty he’d take care of Rachel the way his heart was begging him to respond. But what could he do to help her? And what would it mean for his relationship with Anna Mary? If he agreed to this, he’d be tying himself to more than fixing Rachel’s roof. And he’d be exposing himself to temptation. Not that he’d ever cross the line and do anything he shouldn’t, but he already struggled to keep his mind on his girlfriend.
How could he say neh? He owed Betty and Rachel a debt he could never repay. After one look at Betty’s haggard face, Josh found himself saying, “I’ll do what I can,” before he could stop himself.
The anxious lines around her eyes smoothed out, and she relaxed back against her pillow. “You’ve always kept your word, Josh. I know I can depend on you.”
But could she?
And speaking of keeping his word, what about Anna Mary? Unfortunately, he’d forgotten all about her ultimatum. He hadn’t actually promised her, but he’d left her with the impression he wouldn’t go inside Rachel’s house when he went to work on the roof.
Josh still couldn’t believe what had just happened. He’d gone up to the door to tell Rachel about the shingles and ended up staying for hours. But how could he leave Rachel with two crying children?
No doubt someone from the g’may drove by while Josh’s buggy was parked in Rachel’s drive all this time, which would spark more rumors. He’d have to explain to Anna Mary and hope she’d understand.
But what about the promise he’d made to Betty? This time he had given his word. And he couldn’t go back on it. Anna Mary would never accept that.
* * *
A loud cry long before dawn startled Rachel from pleasant dreams of Josh. She didn’t want to wake. She’d rather nestle down under the covers for a few more minutes. But when she reached for the quilt to cover her chilly arms, she touched a warm body.
Her eyes flew open. She lay on the single bed in a spare bedroom, a small boy curled next to her. The romantic moments with Josh vanished, and her fuzzy brain struggled to make sense of reality.
The shrill wails drew her out of bed. She sleepwalked to the crib and picked up Marianna. A soaking wet diaper greeted Rachel. The baby’s bawling lessened by a few decibels as Rachel laid the small girl on the changing table and cleaned her up. Once she was dried and changed, the baby nuzzled to be fed.
Rachel shifted Marianna to one arm, picked up the quilt Zak had kicked to the floor, and tucked it around him. She prayed he’d sleep for a while longer. He’d been up three times during the night, crying for his mamm. The final time, Rachel had crawled into bed and held him until he fell into a deep sleep.
Thankfully, his sister’s bawling didn’t seem to disturb him. She’d woken twice in the night at different times than her brother. Rachel wasn’t sure how mothers coped with interrupted sleep and still managed to function during the day.
She stumbled to the kitchen and prepared a bottle with half-open eyes. Then she sank onto the living room sofa and dozed while Marianna drank it. The pitter-patter of little feet woke her.
“Where’s Mamm?” The quavering words threatened a new cloudburst of tears.
“Oh, Zak.” Rachel held out an arm, welcoming him to cuddle beside her.
He did, but the plaintive note in his voice made her draw him even closer. “I want Mamm. And Josh.”
Josh? Zak had gotten that attached in only a few hours? True, Josh had comforted Zak, fed him, helped him unpack, and put him to sleep in his tomato-stained clothes. And Zak was still wearing his dirty clothes. Right after breakfast, she’d see he had a bath and put on a clean outfit.
Inside, Rachel berated herself. What kind of a mamm would she make if she let a little one sleep in filthy clothes? And if she napped on the sofa in the morning instead of making breakfast?
She jolted upright. She’d even forgotten about Mamm. What should she do first?
A rumbling noise and stinky smell answered her question. She jumped up from the couch, almost upsetting Zak, who clutched at her skirt to steady himself.
“I’ll change Marianna, then we’ll have breakfast.” She rushed for the stairs, stopping at Mamm’s door on the way.
“Mamm,” she apologized breathlessly, “breakfast isn’t ready yet. I need to take care of the baby and then—”
Her mother held up a hand to stop the rapid-fire flow of words. “Dochder, calm down. I can wait.”
Mamm’s serene acceptance spread a soothing balm over Rachel’s frazzled spirit.
“Taking care of children isn’t easy. And dealing with two at once when you haven’t birthed them and learned their needs and personalities can be overwhelming. Don’t worry about me. Focus on them.”
“But—”
Mamm raised a hand to interrupt Rachel’s protests. “If there’s one thing I’ve learned here in bed, it’s patience. Do what needs doing. I’m not going anywhere. I’ll still be here when you have time.”
Rachel didn’t want Mamm to wait, but she had no choice.
“Who’s that young man hanging onto your apron?”
Zak peeked out from behind Rachel’s skirt.
“Ach, I should have introduced him to you yesterday.” Rachel couldn’t believe she’d forgotten to do that.
“We met last night when he was in Josh’s arms.” Mamm beckoned to Zak. “Do you remember me?”
He nodded but made no move to approach her.
“Why don’t you sit up here with me while Rachel changes your sister and makes breakfast? Have you ever had breakfast in bed?”
Zak’s eyes widened. “Neh.” When she patted the quilt beside her, he tiptoed over, looking both frightened and intrigued.
A lump rose in Rachel’s throat as Zak climbed up beside Mamm and she wrapped an arm around him. Most mornings, she was so stiff, she could barely move until Rachel massaged her limbs. Had Zak’s presence worked a little miracle?
The warm glow suffusing Rachel was doused when Mamm pointed to the splatters on Zak’s shirt.
“Looks like you enjoyed your dinner last night.” Mamm smiled.
Rachel’s face flooded with heat. “He fell asleep on the bed right after Josh brought him upstairs last night. I didn’t want to wake him up to bathe and change him.”
“Dochder, letting a child sleep in their clothes at times like this won’t hurt them. Love makes up for a multitude of parenting mistakes.”
Except Rachel wasn’t a parent. Still, she did have love to give.
Leave it to Mamm to point out the most important thing Rachel needed to do. That still didn’t lessen her overwhelm, but it did help her let go of some guilt at not getting everything done.
But both the guilt and overwhelm came back full force later that morning. She’d fed everyone, cleaned the kitchen, bathed and dressed Zak, changed Marianna for the third time, massaged Mamm with Zak’s tiny hands assisting her, and sank onto the couch to read a picture book to Zak while Marianna finished her midmorning bottle. The quilt frame called to Rachel from across the room. When would she find time to finish that? And Mamm needed her medications and a snack.
Rachel tried to make a mental list so she wouldn’t forget anything. One picture book. Next, she’d take care of Mamm. Then lunch. Then more dishes and diapers and bottles and . . . Rachel couldn’t see anything but endless chores, with no time to make money.
Nothing could alleviate her worry over the undone quilting. Usually by this time of morning, she’d made good headway on her projects. She shifted on the couch, and Cindy’s letter crinkled in her pocket, still unopened. Rachel couldn’t believe she hadn’t even looked at it yet. Cindy had probably explained her children’s schedules and other important details, like how long they’d be staying.
“Can you look at the pictures for a moment, Zak? I need to read this letter.” She slid the thick envelope from her pocket while he paged through the book. As expected, the first two sheets of stationery had plenty of information about the children that Rachel skimmed. Three lines stood out to her:
Zak has trouble sleeping at night without his cuddly giraffe. Be sure it’s tucked in next to him. And if Marianna has some baby food right before her bedtime bottle, she’ll only wake up once.
Too bad Rachel hadn’t read this yesterday. If those tips did the trick, she might cut her night wakeups down to one or two, which would be wonderful.
She slid those pages to the back of the stack and started the letter:
Dearest Rachel,
I have prayed long and hard about what to do, and God keeps bringing my mind back to our wonderful childhood summers together. You were a bright, shining star, full of joy and fun, whenever I visited. You and your brother were so kind and let me tag along with you, even though I was two years younger than you.
I remember your friend Josh too. I always thought the two of you would end up married. You made the perfect couple. I’ve never seen two friends who were so in tune with each other. You’d do anything for each other. I hope you’re still best friends—and much, much more—and planning for a future together.
Rachel’s eyes stung as memories flooded back of their past closeness. Lifting her head, she stared off into the distance. If only that were still so. How had things gone so wrong between them?
She bowed her head and continued the letter:
I haven’t told anyone this, but I’ve been ill for quite a while. With Uri’s treatments and his death and then waiting for Marianna’s arrival, I tried to push aside my own pain. But I’m certain this is more than my appendix. If I don’t make it through this operation, I want my precious babies to be in a home where they’re loved and cared for.
Rachel blinked back the moisture building behind her eyes. Perhaps Cindy was wrong. An operation could be scary. Maybe fear had gotten the better of her.
I selected you because I know I can trust you with my children’s futures. Your mamm is such a wonderful and loving mother, so I’m positive you’ll be one too. And if Josh has stayed the same person he was back then, he’ll be an example of godly manhood for Zak. Poor Zak took his daed’s passing hard and is looking for a man to bond with. I pray it’ll be Josh. But even if your hearts have gone in a different direction, I know you’ll choose a husband who will follow God’s will to lead his family.
The tears Rachel had been holding back rolled down her cheeks. Her whole being overflowed with sorrow—for the children who’d lost their daed and might soon be losing their mamm, for the lost opportunities with Josh, who’d be a wonderful daed for a lonely little boy. Seeing Josh and Zak together last night showed how quickly they’d bonded.
Her vision blurry, Rachel finished the letter, her heart breaking for Cindy.
Please don’t share this with the rest of the family. Perhaps I’ll come through the surgery and recover. Then it’ll be our secret. If I don’t, I pray God’s blessing on you and Josh and my two darling gifts from God. I’ve enclosed a letter for each of them. You can give these to them when they’re old enough to understand. I hugged them tightly before they left and told them how much I love them. I want them to remember me and know I never wanted to leave them, but God has called me home. I hold you all in my heart.
With much love and God’s peace,
Cindy
“You crying?” Zak reached up and touched the wetness on Rachel’s cheeks.
She hugged him tightly. She’d give him all the love she could for as long as she had him.
“Mamm hugs me when she cries,” he said.
Rachel imagined Cindy did, especially if she never expected to hold him again.
Zak nestled up to Rachel. “Can we read now?”
“In a minute,” she choked out. “Let me go wipe my eyes.”
Marianna was sucking hard on the empty bottle. Rachel should have been paying more attention. She lifted the baby to her shoulder and patted her back, while heading into the bathroom for a tissue.
As she walked past the front door, someone knocked. Maybe the mail lady? Some of Mamm’s herbal supplements came by mail. Jen wouldn’t care if Rachel had been crying.
She opened the door, and Josh stood on the porch. Of all people to see her while she was having a meltdown. Especially one over him. Well, not only him, but of all they’d lost. And all she couldn’t give these almost orphaned children.