CHAPTER 12
“Rachel, what’s the matter?” Panic edged Josh’s question. The only other times he’d seen her cry had been after the funerals. Ach, had something happened to her mamm? Was that why Betty had asked him to take care of Rachel last night?
“Josh, what are you doing here?” Rachel didn’t sound upset about him showing up, only puzzled.
“Didn’t you want me to come?” Now it was his turn to be perplexed.
She blinked. “Of course.” She pulled open the door, gratitude—or was that joy?—dancing in her eyes.
Zak barreled over from the living room sofa and collided with Josh’s legs.
“Whoa, buddy, you’ll knock me over.” Not that Josh minded. He tousled the little boy’s hair and bent down to pick up his enthusiastic greeter.
Zak beamed. Then he pointed at Rachel. “She’s crying.”
“I see.” Josh wanted to comfort her. “Is it your mamm?”
“Ach, Mamm!” Panic flared in her eyes, and she raced down the hall to her mother’s bedroom and flung open the door.
Josh jogged after her. What was going on? He skidded to a halt outside the room. Betty’s startled look slid into one of happiness when she spotted him in the doorway.
“Mamm, I’m so sorry.” Rachel hurried to the bedside table. “I forgot all about your medicine.”
Betty waved a hand. “Ten minutes late is not a problem.”
“But if Josh hadn’t mentioned you, I never would have remembered.” Rachel appeared guilt-stricken.
“I would have called you.” Betty smiled. “I can read the clock as well as you. I could tell you were busy, so I waited.”
Josh struggled to figure out what was going on. Betty seemed fine, but Rachel fidgeted, her body like a coiled spring about to snap. Not to mention she’d been crying. And she’d begged him to come to the house, but she hadn’t explained why.
While Rachel readied her mamm’s medications, Betty examined the two little ones. “Shouldn’t they be napping? You always took naps in the morning and afternoon until you were four.”
“Naps?” Rachel glanced up, as if her mamm had thrown her a lifeline.
“See how sleepy Zak is? And if you didn’t keep jostling her, I bet Marianna would already be sound asleep.”
Rachel stilled. “I’m messing everything up.” She sounded close to tears again.
“Dochder, be as patient with yourself as you are with the children. They only arrived yesterday. It’s a big adjustment to make. Just remember, they’ll only be here a short while, so we can all handle a few schedule changes.”
At her mother’s words, Rachel bit her lip, and her eyes misted. She mumbled something that sounded like Maybe not.
She seemed at her breaking point. Josh needed to do something. He had promised Betty he’d take care of Rachel.
“Why don’t I take Zak up to bed?” he offered. “I could take Marianna too.”
Rachel tried to balance the baby against her as she opened a pill bottle with both hands. “She hasn’t been burped yet.”
“I’ve done that before.” Josh set Zak on the floor and clasped his hand. “Let’s get your baby sister up to bed.”
Before Rachel could protest, Josh slipped the cloth diaper from her shoulder and draped it over his own. He steeled himself to accept the baby from Rachel. Last night, taking Marianna from Rachel’s arms had set off a firestorm. Today, under Betty’s watchful gaze, he tamped down his fizzing nerves after the brief touch as they transferred the baby.
Lest he give anything away, he turned and propped Marianna against his shoulder. With one hand holding Zak’s, he couldn’t pat her back, but he’d do that upstairs. While he mounted the stairs, voices floated up to him.
“Dochder, he’d make the perfect husband and father. I don’t understand why you two can’t—”
“Mamm!” Rachel’s tone, sharp and cutting, stabbed into Josh. “You know he has a girlfriend.”
The bedroom door snapped shut. Perhaps Rachel had realized their conversation was carrying. The finality in her words indicated she wanted nothing to do with him. So why had she wanted him to come here?
When they entered the bedroom, Zak made a beeline for the toy chest.
“Not now,” Josh said. “Time for a nap.”
“I need Giraffey,” Zak whined.
Josh hesitated. Did Zak have a toy he took to bed with him? Josh patted and rubbed Marianna’s back while Zak dug around in the jumble for a minute or two. He emerged with a scruffy giraffe clutched to his chest.
After tucking Zak and Giraffey under a light blanket, Josh settled in the rocker Rachel had occupied last night. The warmth of her presence enveloped him. He closed his eyes and hummed under his breath as his mind replayed the scene. Soon, his breathing slowed like the baby’s. He wished he could stay in this peaceful place.
“Josh?” Rachel’s call startled him from his reverie. She stood in the doorway studying him, a teasing smile on her face. “Are you napping too?”
A hot flush rose from his neck to his forehead. “Neh, I, um, was just resting my eyes.” And thinking about you. To cover his embarrassment, he rose and put Marianna in her crib.
“Danke for putting them to sleep.” Rachel’s gaze strayed to Zak, and she sucked in a breath. “How did you know?” she asked, wonder in her words.
“Know what?”
“That Zak needs the giraffe to sleep.”
“I didn’t. He pulled it out of the toy box himself.”
“I wish he’d had it last night. He woke three times.”
No wonder she had dark circles under her eyes. Even those didn’t mar her beauty. They made her appear fragile and in need of care, raising Josh’s protective instincts. “Maybe you should take a nap. I could watch the children while you rest.”
“Don’t you need to get back to work?”
“Not today. Mrs. Vandenberg made some deal with my daed so I can spend the rest of the week over here.” He’d seen an exchange of money and hoped the elderly woman wasn’t paying for Josh to do something he’d do for free.
“I need to find a way to pay her back.”
Josh shook his head at Rachel’s stubborn insistence. “Her charity is paying, and she already told you how to pay everyone back.”
“That’s not enough. And I’m sure Mrs. Vandenberg meant for you to be working on the roof, not babysitting.”
“Neh, she said you needed me urgently today and that I had to hurry over here to help you.”
“What?” Rachel stared at him, dumbfounded. “Why would she tell you that?”
“You didn’t ask her to come and get me?” Josh tried to remember Mrs. Vandenberg’s exact message. She’d been insistent he should stay all day. When he’d arrived, Rachel had needed a hand.
Her face colored, and she lowered her lashes. “I didn’t ask her to send you, but I did need your help. I couldn’t have done this”—she waved a hand to the sleeping children—“and cared for mamm.”
Josh shifted awkwardly. Now he felt like a fool. He’d barged in here assuming she’d begged for his assistance. He should leave, but the tears he’d spotted in Rachel’s eyes when he’d arrived made him hesitate.
“Divine intervention,” Rachel mused softly. “God sent you right when I needed someone.”
“Glad I could help.”
“Me too. Would you like something to eat?”
He should refuse, but he understood Rachel wanted to pay him back, so he agreed. Or did he have other unexamined reasons for accepting?
* * *
Rachel couldn’t believe it. The Lord had blessed her today. Mrs. Vandenberg claimed to have nudges from God. She’d spoken the truth.
Had He also heard Rachel’s wishes that Josh would show up again? Having him here yesterday had been such a relief. She could never have done everything herself. Josh had calmed Zak, and she was grateful.
Fixing him a meal couldn’t repay all he’d done, and a smile didn’t seem like much reward.
Josh accompanied her downstairs, and Rachel steered him past the living room. In her haste to answer the door earlier, the pages of the letter had drifted to the floor and lay scattered like fallen leaves, some of them trapped under an upturned picture book. An empty baby bottle, a spilled box of crayons, and an unwashed snack plate littered the coffee table. What would Josh think of her slovenly housekeeping?
But no judgment shone in his eyes when he looked at her, only sympathy. “Your mamm’s right, it’s not easy to have two children arrive for a visit when you’re caring for her. And when will you have time to work?” His gaze rested on the quilting frame she’d shoved into the corner of the living room.
“I don’t know.” She tried not let her concern affect her answer, but he sensed it anyway.
“You need to make money, don’t you?”
“Jah, but I haven’t figured out how and when to do it.” Plenty of mamms did, which added to her sense of inadequacy.
“Like your mamm said, it takes time. The children only arrived yesterday. You can get back to work soon. They won’t be here long.”
A choked cry escaped her lips.
“What?” His face registered alarm. “What’s wrong?”
Her throat too tight to answer his question, she gestured to the pages on the floor. He knelt and gathered them without reading them.
“You got a letter with bad news?” he guessed, and she nodded. “Want to talk about it?”
Instead of answering, she went into the kitchen and pulled out the cast-iron skillet. Slowly, methodically, she layered the condiments for grilled ham and cheese. That used to be Josh’s favorite sandwich. She hoped it still was.
Josh said nothing. He sank into a chair at the table and waited. Exactly what he’d done after Daed died. He sat in silence with her, patiently, day after day . . . until she’d been ready to talk. Then he listened with empathy.
Cindy was right. She and Josh had fitted together like hand and glove. They understood each other without speaking. What had caused that final split?
Now she was older and had weathered two deaths and major heartbreak. She didn’t need as much time to recover. She fixed Mamm a plate with pickles, chips, and applesauce, then set the condiments on the table.
“I’ll be right back.” She carried Mamm’s meal to her and returned to the kitchen, still debating what to tell Josh.
He’d turned the letter upside down on the table to show he hadn’t pried. He didn’t need to do that. She trusted him.
Once she’d served them both and they’d said a silent prayer, Josh bit into his sandwich. “Mmm. Delicious. My favorite.”
“I know.”
His hand stopped partway to his mouth, his eyes questioning if she’d prepared it especially for him. She lowered her gaze before he could discover the answer.
Josh ate without saying anything else until he’d finished everything on his plate. Rachel had barely finished the first half of hers, because her stomach had tied up in knots. The letter only played a small part in her inability to eat. Being across from Josh brought up so many memories, including the last time they’d shared these sandwiches. Three days before Tom’s death.
“Rachel, you don’t have to answer if you don’t want. You were crying when I came in. What’s wrong?”
She debated, because she hadn’t even shared it with Mamm. But this Josh, seated across from her, had the same open, caring expression as her childhood friend, her confidant. She nodded to the letter. “You can read it, if you want.”
As she took tiny bites and chewed robotically, he slid the pages toward him and turned them over. The sheets with the children’s schedules and preferences lay on top. Josh perused them, smiling at certain details.
He tapped a finger on the sentence about the giraffe. “Guess this would have helped you last night, huh?”
“Jah. I hope it will work well tonight.”
“Me too.” He laid those sheets aside and smoothed out Cindy’s letter. “This is your cousin that came to visit in the summers. I remember her.”
“She hasn’t forgotten you either.”
“I see that.” He tensed, and his jaw tightened.
Had he gotten to the part about them getting married? A guilty look crossed his face. Reading that had probably reminded Josh he was courting Anna Mary. No matter how innocent his visit today, most likely it would be misinterpreted.
She shouldn’t have given it to him to read. It would have been better to summarize the contents.
Josh lifted his head. Concern creasing his face, he asked, “Is Cindy a worrier? She didn’t seem like it when she was young, but people change.”
“Neh, she lost her husband before Marianna was born. She stayed strong in her faith while she nursed her husband and afterwards.”
“So there’s a good chance you’ll be caring for her children?”
“Jah.” Rachel had been trying not to admit it to herself, but Josh had hit on the truth about Cindy. She wouldn’t have asked this unless she’d been certain of her future.
“That’s a wonderful gift, but also a heavy burden. I can’t think of anyone who’d do a better job of raising Zak and Marianna.”
Rachel ducked her head. That compliment coming from Josh meant so much more than he’d ever know. Ach, she shouldn’t have let hochmut turn her head. She should have stopped Josh from reading the part about Cindy expecting him to be a godly example to Zak.
Before she could reach out and snatch it away, Josh swallowed hard and rubbed his forehead, shading his eyes from view. When he spoke, his words came out thick. “I’m honored Cindy wanted me to be an example to Zak, but I’m not worthy of her trust. Besides, I’m—I’m . . .”
He didn’t have to say the rest. The fantasies Rachel had created of future possibilities came crashing down. Of course, he couldn’t do it. She’d known it all along.
“I—I don’t know what to say. I’m happy to help with Zak for now while he adjusts to being here, but—”
“I understand.” Her answer came out dull and flat.
“Maybe Cindy will pull through.” Josh injected hope into his suggestion. “God can work miracles.”
“I’ve been praying for one.” Actually, more than one.
* * *
“I’ll pray too.” Josh shoved his chair back from the table. “I should go. I, um . . .” No excuse came to mind readily. He couldn’t say, I need to escape before I make a fool of myself by saying things I shouldn’t. “Danke for the delicious lunch.”
He’d almost made it to the front door when Zak’s whimpers floated down the stairs. “Daed, Daed.”
Was he talking in his sleep? The plaintive cry wrapped around Josh’s heart and squeezed it so tightly, he couldn’t breathe. How could he abandon a needy little boy? One who might soon be an orphan.
The next shuddery cry galvanized him.
Zak wailed, “Josh?”
He bounded up the stairs and into the room and swept Zak into his arms. “It’s all right. I’m here.”
Zak gave him a fierce hug and pressed his head against Josh’s chest. “Mamm’s all gone. Daed’s all gone.” He gazed up so trustingly. “You stay.”
How could he resist that sweet plea? But what would happen if he didn’t?