CHAPTER 18
Mrs. Vandenberg’s van pulled in before dawn. Josh hurried outside with his duffel bag. He’d already set his tool box and a bucket of supplies on the porch. The tailgate of the van flew up as Josh approached, and he placed his things inside.
Mrs. Vandenberg greeted him with a cheery smile when he got into one of the back seats. She sat up front beside her driver. “All ready to go?”
“Jah, I am.” This trip came at the perfect time. Getting away from Lancaster might help him sort out his muddled feelings.
The more time he spent away from Anna Mary, the more his spirit lightened. That shouldn’t be the case. He still hadn’t prayed about the future. Maybe because he suspected deep down that God wanted him to marry Anna Mary. Yet, despite his commitment to her, he kept being drawn to Rachel. Perhaps being away from her for these five days might help him break the pull she had over him.
Josh relaxed back into the seat and closed his eyes. Lord, please help me to sort out my future. Lead me in the right direction, and take away all thoughts and feelings that draw me away from Your will.
“Feel free to sleep a bit. I’m going to rest,” Mrs. Vandenberg told him.
Josh closed his eyes and dozed off. He jolted awake when the van bounced down a driveway. What were they doing at Rachel’s house?
She stood on the front porch, and his heart leaped at the sight of her, holding Marianna. What a beautiful face to wake up to every morning! Josh reined in his thoughts. He had no right to think of her that way. And even if he and Anna Mary broke up, he’d never be able to date Rachel. Not with the past standing in the way.
Mrs. Vandenberg broke into his thoughts. “God gives us the desires of our hearts.”
Josh’s face flamed. Surely, she hadn’t read his mind, had she? He’d been so preoccupied, he hadn’t noticed Rachel struggling to carry the baby seat to the porch while balancing Marianna. He hopped out of the van and hurried over.
“Let me get that.” He reached for the seat.
Rachel stared at him. “What are you doing here?”
“I came with Mrs. Vandenberg.”
“Oh, she dropped you off.”
Huh? Josh’s brain, still foggy from sleep, fought to make sense of her remark. But he had to help her with the seat. “Where do you want this?”
“I guess the seat farthest back. Zak would probably prefer the middle seat so he can see out the window.”
Josh almost dropped the seat on his toes. “You’re going along?”
“With Mrs. Vandenberg? Jah, she said she wanted company. I just hope the children won’t disturb her too much. Remember how they cried for the Englisch driver?”
He did. But he was trying to figure out this situation. Mrs. Vandenberg had invited both of them on this trip? What in the world was she thinking? And what would everyone in the g’may say when they found out? It might totally end things with Anna Mary.
“Josh?” Rachel studied him. “Are you all right? I can take the car seat. I don’t want to keep Mrs. Vandenberg waiting.”
“Did you know she asked me to come along?”
Rachel looked as stunned as he felt. “What? You’re going to Charm too?”
“Is that where we’re going?”
“You didn’t know?”
“She just said a long trip. And . . .” His voice trailed off. Suddenly, everything became crystal clear. Matchmaking.
Mrs. Vandenberg had asked him to carry Rachel’s quillows, knowing people would see him and gossip. She’d paid for him to work on Rachel’s house and sent him there on Tuesday. Then she’d asked Anna Mary to drop off a letter at Rachel’s, knowing he’d be there. Now she’d planned an out-of-state trip. But she’d made one major mistake. She didn’t know Josh’s guilty secret, and neither did Rachel. Once she did . . .
* * *
Rachel’s breath caught in her throat when she realized Josh really was coming along to Ohio. After he loaded her luggage, he sat in the middle seat with Zak, so she had a perfect view of his profile when she buckled in the back beside Marianna’s car seat. How lucky could she get?
The miles flew by rapidly as Mrs. Vandenberg encouraged Rachel and Josh to tell her about their childhood friendship. Even Zak laughed over the many times they’d gotten in trouble. And he loved hearing about catching tadpoles and crayfish.
“I can take you to do that,” Josh promised Zak.
Zak bounced with excitement, straining at the restraints that held him. “When?”
“As soon as we get back. We won’t see tadpoles this time of year, but we can find frogs.” With a teasing grin, he glanced back at Rachel. “Maybe Rachel would want to come too. Maybe she might even fall in so we can rescue her.”
Rachel flushed, picturing Josh wrapping his arms around her and lifting her from the water now, the way he’d done when they were young. She lowered her lashes to cover the feelings flooding through her.
Mrs. Vandenberg turned her head to study them both. “It sounds as if the two of you are perfectly suited as a couple.”
Rachel’s eyes stung. She’d always thought so. And at one time, Josh had too. But things had changed. And all her romantic daydreams wouldn’t rewind time back to their unbreakable childhood bond.
For a few miles, silence reigned as they all considered Mrs. Vandenberg’s comment. Then she interrupted their contemplation.
“So, what happened to break you two apart?”
In front of Rachel, Josh’s shoulders stiffened, and he busied himself with adjusting Zak’s seat belt and pulling toys from the bag Rachel had packed to keep Zak occupied.
Rachel shrugged. She didn’t have a real answer to the question. “I guess it happened when my brother passed. I didn’t feel like being around people.” Though she would have made an exception for Josh. “We just drifted apart after that.”
With a pointed look at Josh, Mrs. Vandenberg said, “That’s such a shame.”
Josh didn’t respond. He seemed absorbed in Zak’s demonstration of all the ways his tiny truck could turn. Had he missed Mrs. Vandenberg’s question, or was he avoiding it?
Rachel wished he’d answer. If she knew what had gone wrong, maybe she could find a way to mend things. Then she shook her head. It was much too late for that.
* * *
Mrs. Vandenberg’s question pierced the deep, dark place in Josh’s soul. A sharp arrow sliced through to the poison he kept pent up, hidden, buried. Corrosive guilt and shame gushed out, gnawing at his insides. He should answer, but his mouth dried out, and his throat pinched shut.
Zak pointed to the bag of toys at Josh’s feet. Grateful for the distraction, Josh lifted the tote again and dug through the bag, holding up one toy after another so Zak could choose. In the end, Zak selected another small truck and chattered about how it moved. Josh pretended to be absorbed in that conversation, but he heard nothing except his conscience berating him, warning that he needed to confess.
Except he couldn’t do that here and now. Not in front of everyone. But Rachel deserved an explanation. And unless Josh told her the truth, his relationship with Anna Mary couldn’t move ahead either.
“It can be hard to face what happened.” Mrs. Vandenberg echoed the message of Josh’s conscience. “But admitting it can lead to healing.”
How did she always know what he was thinking? Only this time, she’d be wrong about the healing. Even if Rachel forgave him, what he needed to tell her would drive a wedge between them.
* * *
Mrs. Vandenberg was right. Rachel blamed herself for the gulf that had formed between her and Josh. He’d put up with her moodiness after her father’s death. It had taken her more than a year to emerge from her sudden silences, her preference for sitting and staring into the distance rather than playing. He’d stayed beside her all that time, despite longing to join his friends in games or chase after the older boys. Josh had given her constant companionship along with time and space to heal.
After her brother died, she didn’t blame Josh for not wanting to repeat another year of sacrifice. They were older, and their early teen activities held so much more excitement and promise. Plus, like her, he was grieving.
When they were ten or eleven, Josh had confided that Tom felt more like his older brother than his own three brothers. Rachel could understand that. When Josh’s brothers teased and bullied him, Tom stood up for Josh and included him in all the plans. Josh looked up to Tom and spent more time at her house than he did at his own.
Until the funeral.
And now she’d be attending another funeral. Memories of her brother, her previous closeness with Josh, and the sadness of Cindy’s passing swamped Rachel’s spirit. If only Mamm had been able to attend, they could have shared their heartache for all three of their losses. Josh, too, shared in the sadness of all three deaths, but he’d only been there for her after the first one. He’d avoided her after Tom’s funeral, and he wouldn’t be comforting her this time either.
* * *
With multiple stops for meals, stretches, and diaper changes, they pulled into Charm in the evening. A trip that usually took seven or eight hours had taken more than twelve. The frequent breaks had allowed Zak to run and play, but two hours ago, he’d gone to sleep with his head drooping against Josh’s arm. Josh eased his arm away so he could carry the bags and sleeping children into the house.
He yawned and stretched his arms high overhead, while trying to peek at Rachel behind him without being noticeable. She’d been silent for the last hour. Now, he understood why. Like Mrs. Vandenberg, she’d fallen asleep. With nobody but the driver to notice, Josh allowed himself to admire her beauty. With her long lashes fanning shadows across her high cheekbones and a sweet smile on her rosebud lips, she resembled an angel. She was one of those rare beauties who were as lovely inside as outside.
A burning tightness seared his chest. Why had he ever walked away from her? Left her when she needed him most? If only he could go back and undo the past.
“Josh?” Mrs. Vandenberg’s words came to him in a whisper. “It’s never too late.”
He whirled around, embarrassed to be caught staring. “You don’t know what happened.” He almost spilled the whole story, but if he told anyone, it should be Rachel.
“I don’t need to, but someone else does.” Her caring expression softened her stern tone. She added to the heavy press of guilt weighing him down.
He bowed his head. “I know.”
“Know what?” Rachel’s words floated to him on an airy breath.
He couldn’t face her. Nor could he tell her the truth here and now. They needed to be sitting down, facing each other, so he could gauge her reaction. And he wanted them to be alone.
Also, she’d come to Charm for a funeral. He couldn’t open an old wound when she was already grieving. He’d wait until they returned to Lancaster and some time had passed. But he made up his mind to be honest, even if it meant Rachel would never speak to him again.
* * *
Rachel sucked in a breath. “Are we staying here?” The van had pulled into the parking lot of a huge Victorian bed-and-breakfast. She’d brought along some of the money Mrs. Vandenberg had paid her, but she couldn’t afford to spend it on this. So far, Mrs. Vandenberg had paid for meals, insisting it was the least she could do after Rachel agreed to accompany her, but Rachel was determined to take care of her own hotel bill.
Inside, her spirits shriveled as the pot of money she’d hoped to use toward household expenses shrank. She tried to hide her distress. It was too late to find somewhere else to stay tonight, but tomorrow, she’d check with Cindy’s cousins. Surely, one of them had room for Rachel and the children. She’d gladly sleep on a couch.
“Rachel, Rachel,” Mrs. Vandenberg chided, “do you remember the Scripture verse about the lilies of the field? God provides for them. Trust Him to provide for you.”
Of course, Rachel trusted God in all things, but didn’t He also expect her to make sensible decisions? Maybe if she were honest, Mrs. Vandenberg might understand. Although how could a rich woman know how it felt to watch every penny?
“You might be surprised.” Mrs. Vandenberg pinned Rachel with a searching gaze. “I see the worry in your eyes, and I’m guessing at the fast calculations going on in your brain. You’re trying to figure out how to pay for the room and still afford to cover your expenses at home.”
Rachel lowered her eyes. “Jah, I am.”
“I’m happy to help,” Josh broke in.
Mrs. Vandenberg beamed at him. “Wonderful, but unnecessary. I stayed here last year when I attended the Amish Christmas Cookie Tour of Inns.” Her eyes twinkled. “It so happens, I introduced their daughter to a wonderful Amish man I met on the tour.”
Uh-oh. From Mrs. Vandenberg’s sly smile, she planned to bring another couple together. Worry churned in Rachel’s stomach. Suppose Mrs. Vandenberg had brought Josh along to meet an Ohio girl?
With a laugh, Mrs. Vandenberg continued her story. “The girl’s parents were about to sell their bed-and-breakfast at a loss. I made a few suggestions, and now their business is turning a profit. As a thank you, our rooms are free.”
A miracle worker. God had given this elderly woman many talents, and she’d multiplied them many times over. Not only for herself, but for everyone she encountered. Rachel wished she could be a blessing like that to others.
Only one part of the story didn’t make sense. “If her parents are doing well, why does the couple need help buying a house?”
“They’re still reinvesting their profit in restoring the last few rooms. I hope to help with that. I know someone who’s auctioning off an estate. They could furnish the rooms with genuine antiques for a low price.”
Rachel shook her head. How did Mrs. Vandenberg keep track of all these details? Everywhere she went, she brought people together, helping both the connections she matched. Rachel’s face heated. She’d been thinking of partnerships, but the word match brought to mind Mamm’s comment about Josh. Rachel hoped Josh didn’t think she’d set this up. But she couldn’t help hoping Mamm was right. Better than him falling for an Ohio girl and staying here.
To get her mind off that dire outcome, Rachel switched to a different topic. “I forgot to tell you. Mamm really likes Barbara. She stayed last night, and they got along well.”
If Mrs. Vandenberg seemed surprised at the change of subject, she didn’t show it. “I’m so glad. The two of them will have a wonderful lifelong friendship. Something you’ll be grateful for soon enough.”
Mrs. Vandenberg sounded as if she could see into the future. But that was impossible. She said God gave her nudges. Did He also let her know the outcomes of events?