CHAPTER 19
Rachel had never stayed anywhere so luxurious. The living room had a floor-to-ceiling stone fireplace surrounded by couches and chairs, giving it a homey look, and the bedrooms had been decorated with rustic Amish furniture accented with colorful quilts on the beds and walls.
Upstairs, her room had a queen-sized bed for her, a small twin bed for Zak, and a crib for Marianna. After Josh had carted all the suitcases and supplies to the various rooms, he got Zak ready for bed, gave him Giraffey, prayed with the little boy, and told him a Bible story while Rachel fed, changed, and settled Marianna into the crib.
Rachel tried to keep her attention on the baby, but she found her eyes drawn to the father-son bedtime routine. Every time she glanced that way, her desire for a husband and a large family gripped her, making her chest ache with longing. If only Josh were free. But even if he were, he had no interest in her. She had to stop torturing herself with impossibilities.
Behind her, the bed creaked as Josh rose. “Zak’s asleep already.”
“That’s gut. Danke.”
“You’re welcome. I enjoy it.”
Rachel pretended to brush wrinkles from her black dress for tomorrow so Josh couldn’t see the yearning in her expression.
“Sleep well,” he said softly before he shut the door.
She ran a hand over her face, hoping to wipe away the emotions swamping her. Although it was early, Rachel’s eyelids were drooping. Tomorrow would be draining. She’d go to sleep early. After a quick shower, she brushed her long hair, plaited it, and slid into bed.
She wasn’t sure if the long trip, the softness of the beds, or being near their hometown had soothed the children, but they’d both fallen asleep as soon as they’d been tucked in bed. Within minutes, she, too, had drifted off. And she didn’t stir until the delicious aroma of coffee and cinnamon tickled her nose the next morning.
The homey scents mingled with the spiciness of the pine trees surrounded her in the foggy morning mist of the woods. She cocooned deeper into the pillowiness cradling her. Holding hands with Josh, she sat on a creekbank, water trickling lazily around them. She reveled in their closeness as they dangled their feet in cool water while the sun’s rays warmed their cheeks.
The sun? Rachel jolted upright. She should have been up before dawn. Mamm and the children needed her. The children? Rachel’s heart banged hard against her chest. Were they still breathing?
Snuffles came from the crib on her right, and to her left, crisp sheets rustled. Both children had slept through the night. Danke, Lord! For the first time since she’d been caring for Zak and Marianna, Rachel had had a full night’s sleep.
Never in her life had she slept this late. Agitated, she almost leaped out of bed until it sank in that she had no chores to do. From the delicious smells, someone else had made breakfast. And the flowing creek of her dream turned out to be a shower in the room next door. Still, Rachel remained in bed, clinging to her delicious, dreamlike state.
Since age eleven, she’d made breakfast every morning. She’d never had anyone else prepare a meal for her, except for church meals. People had dropped off casseroles after Daed passed, but Rachel still had to heat them. She’d always been up and dressed by sunrise, and never had a day off from household work. Her responsibilities lessened on Sunday, but she still needed to fix meals for Mamm and give her massages.
That reminded Rachel of her mother. They’d never been apart a day since Tom passed. Rachel hoped Barbara was seeing to Mamm’s meals, medicines, and routines.
Lord, please help Barbara take good care of Mamm until I get back.
Rachel wished Mamm could be here for the funeral. Mamm would understand Rachel’s feelings, and they could reminisce together. Josh would have some childhood memories, but he hadn’t been sharing the letters that flew back and forth between Cindy and Rachel.
Mrs. Vandenberg tapped at the door. “Breakfast will be served in twenty minutes. Need any help with the children?”
Rachel gasped. She hadn’t dressed or done her hair, let alone readied the children.
Before she could answer, the door opened, and Mrs. Vandenberg peeked in. “Hmm, you do need some assistance.” Over her shoulder, she said, “Just wait, Josh.”
Ach! Josh was outside the door? Rachel could have died from embarrassment. What would he think of her laziness?
Mrs. Vandenberg laughed at Rachel’s nervousness. “Why don’t you gather your things and lock yourself in the bathroom? Josh and I will dress the children.”
Rachel hastened to gather her garments, kapp, and pins. Then she shut herself into the large, tiled room where the mirror reflected her shame-filled face. She rushed so fast to get into her clothing, she stuck herself with her half-apron’s straight pins. Sucking on her twice-stabbed forefinger, she splashed water on her face and undid her braid one-handed.
Outside the door, Zak wailed when he woke. Josh’s quiet words soothed the cries. Marianna whined. Rachel should be out there taking care of them instead of in here, clumsily trying to twist the sides of her hair back. She had to restart twice before getting her hair smooth and tight enough to complete her bob. As soon as she pinned on her kapp, she opened the bathroom door to find Zak dressed and clinging to Josh’s pant leg.
Josh was assisting Mrs. Vandenberg by keeping Marianna from rolling off the changing pad Rachel had spread on the dresser.
She dashed over. “I’m so sorry. Let me do that.” In her haste, she bumped into Josh, who steadied her with one hand. His touch seared every nerve ending in her body, and the shock immobilized her.
He stared into her eyes, and she couldn’t break the connection. Marianna rolled sideways on the table. Mrs. Vandenberg squawked, and Josh jerked his gaze away to stop the baby from falling.
“Please let me do it,” Rachel begged, but Mrs. Vandenberg ignored her. Rachel couldn’t meet their eyes. “I’m sorry I didn’t have the children ready by now.”
“You’re entitled to a day off.” Mrs. Vandenberg struggled to wrap the diaper around Marianna’s chubby leg.
Josh reached in to assist her, still keeping one hand on Marianna’s chest to prevent her from rolling again.
“She’s quite a wriggler.” Mrs. Vandenberg secured the diaper with a proud smile and slid Marianna’s little dress down. “Now let’s go down for breakfast.”
Rachel scooped up Marianna, trying to ignore the thrill of brushing past Josh, and concentrated on the baby. She kept her head lowered so no one could see her reaction or glimpse her shame. What must they both think of her?
* * *
Josh swept Zak into his arms before they descended the grand, curving staircase. The last thing they needed was for the little boy to take a tumble before breakfast. Or after, for that matter. I’ve been responsible for enough accidents.
Proof of it showed in the two bright strips with strange cartoon characters decorating Zak’s fingers. Mrs. Vandenberg had insisted on buying a box of garish, neon-colored bandages. She claimed they helped children heal more quickly. Zak agreed they made his sore hand better, so Josh had reapplied new ones after Zak’s bath last night.
When they reached the inn’s living room, Rachel appeared so distressed Josh longed to comfort her. He leaned over and whispered, “I’m glad you got some much-needed sleep last night.”
Crimson streaked her cheekbones. He’d only embarrassed her more.
“I’m sorry I didn’t have the children dressed. I, um, overslept.” More color suffused her face.
“It’s no problem. Did they keep you awake last night?”
“Neh. Both of them slept the whole way through.”
“That’s great. You needed to catch up on your rest.”
Rachel sounded close to tears. “I should have been up by dawn.”
“Why? You don’t have any chores to do here.”
“That makes me even guiltier.”
Josh nodded. “I know what you mean. It does feel odd to wake up and have nothing to do.”
Although Mrs. Vandenberg had said he’d be doing repairs today, she had yet to mention it, and he didn’t want to disturb her breakfast with talk of work. Maybe she’d wait until they dropped Rachel off at the funeral. For now, he’d do what he could to comfort Rachel.
“I’m glad I could help with Zak. That made me feel a little useful.” He rejoiced inwardly when her lips curved up a little.
A sudden rush of feeling splashed over him, making him want to wrap her in his arms and touch his mouth to hers. Now it was his turn for a heated face. He cleared his throat. “I, um, think the dining room is that way.” He waved toward their left.
After he did, he felt like a fool. Of course it was. The huge farm table was visible through the archway, along with a buffet laden with platters of food and stainless-steel serving dishes. Delicious smells wafted on the air.
When he noticed the buffet, Zak bounced in Josh’s arms. “Is all that for us?”
Josh laughed. “You think you could eat all of it?”
“Jah!”
“Maybe we should share with others.”
“All right. But I want some of everything.”
Josh raised his eyebrows at Rachel, and she smiled. “A tiny bite of everything maybe,” she told Zak.
“Awww.”
But when Josh helped Zak fill his plate, the small boy seemed satisfied with a child-sized helping of a few items. They sat across from Rachel, and once again, Josh struggled to keep his gaze from straying to her lips.
What was wrong with him?
* * *
Rachel sat at the table with a plate of pancakes, sausage, a cinnamon biscuit, and a cup of yogurt for Marianna. When she bowed her head for the silent prayer, her heart overflowed with gratitude for her many blessings. Two children to love. Josh across from her, smiling directly at her. Mrs. Vandenberg’s generosity and wisdom. And, although guilt niggled at Rachel for enjoying it, she did like being pampered at this lovely bed-and-breakfast.
But the dreaminess of the morning soon faded, and reality crowded in. She had a funeral to attend today.
The front door to the inn banged open, and an Amish girl rushed into the dining room, breathless, dragging a friend with her. She glanced around at the diners, including several Englischers, and headed straight for Rachel. The girl halted a short distance away to give Mrs. Vandenberg an enthusiastic hug.
“You’ll be coming for my wedding this fall, won’t you?” Her eyes brimmed with joy.
“I wouldn’t miss it, Annika. I always attend the weddings of couples I match. That’s my greatest joy in life.”
“I’m so glad.” Annika whirled from Mrs. Vandenberg to Rachel. “And you must be Rachel.”
“I am. It’s nice to meet you, Annika.”
“Same here.” She tugged at her friend’s hand and sobered a little. “This is Gloria. She’s one of Cindy’s husband’s cousins.”
Gloria, her eyes filled with tears, held out a thick manila envelope. “Cindy wanted Daed to give you this. He’s busy getting ready for the funeral, but he asked me to drop it off.”
Rachel took the packet with a quiet danke. At Cindy’s familiar handwriting scrawled across the envelope front, Rachel sucked in a shaky breath. Never again would she receive a letter from her cousin. Her eyes stung.
“Let me take Marianna.” Josh stood and came around the table. “And I’ll keep an eye on Zak if you want to read that upstairs.”
Josh’s thoughtfulness almost made Rachel break down. She handed the baby to him.
Mrs. Vandenberg laid a hand on Rachel’s arm. “You can take your plate to your room. Many people do. Just leave the dishes, and someone will collect them later when they clean the room.”
When Rachel stood, Gloria and Annika each gave her a quick hug. “We have to get back to the house, but we’ll see you later today.” They dashed off.
Clutching the envelope to her chest, Rachel fumbled her way upstairs with tear-blinded eyes, balancing her half-eaten plate of breakfast. After she closed the door, she sank into a cushiony chair beside the fireplace with its carved mantle and set her plate on the small table beside her. She couldn’t let the delicious meal go to waste, but she had to see what Cindy had sent.
Rachel removed a thick sheaf of papers with a letter on top. Through blurry eyes, she struggled to make out the message. Then she read through it a second time, and a third.
She couldn’t believe it. Cindy had left her house and all its contents to Rachel. The deed behind the letter had a note attached with instructions. Cindy’s letter said Rachel could live in the house or sell it to provide money to care for the children.
With shaky hands, Rachel dropped the papers into her lap. Move to Ohio? Could she uproot Mamm? What about the children? Would they be more comfortable in their own home? Should she stay here for their sakes?
The thought of moving overwhelmed her. How would Mamm travel all this way? What would they do with their house? Rachel knew nothing about selling houses. And would they have to sell their furnishings? Leave behind all the furniture Dawdi had made? Or should they sell Cindy’s home? What if that upset Zak?
Worry after worry swarmed through Rachel’s head. Whatever she chose, she’d have to sell a home and furniture either in Lancaster or Charm. Being hit with all these decisions so soon after she’d taken over as a mother overwhelmed her. And she still had a funeral to attend to today. She had to turn all this over to God.
Dear Lord, please show me what to do. I don’t want to leave Lancaster, and I’m not sure I should move Mamm. But if that’s the best for the children, I’ll do it. Please give me a sign to direct me toward Your will.
The clock on the bedside table flickered on another number. They’d need to leave for Cindy’s funeral soon. Rachel hurried through the other papers. Cindy had poured out her heart and left many suggestions on raising the children. Rachel would come back to these again later and keep them for future reference. Cindy had also written letters for Zak and Marianna. One for each birthday until they turned eighteen. How had she done all this when she was ill?
Stuffing the papers into the envelope, Rachel jumped up from the chair. She didn’t want to make everyone late. Her tardiness had already embarrassed her enough for one day.
Rachel’s childhood training wouldn’t let her leave food on her plate, so she finished the last bites and picked up the cinnamon roll to eat on her way downstairs. Despite Mrs. Vandenberg’s advice to leave her dishes, Rachel couldn’t bring herself to do that. She juggled the plate, the envelope, and her cinnamon roll as she headed back to the dining room.
Josh stopped feeding Marianna some yogurt to study Rachel’s tear-glazed eyes. “Are you all right?”
“I—I’m not sure.” She sank into the chair beside Mrs. Vandenberg, who patted Rachel’s arm.
“Sometimes God’s blessings can feel overwhelming, dear. But trust Him. He has the perfect plan.”
“I hope so.” Rachel set down her empty plate but clutched the envelope to her. Was this a blessing? At the moment, it seemed more of a burden.