The sun was setting over Port Phillip Bay, casting a golden glow across the flat, calm water reaching all the way from the horizon to the pale sandy beach. Gabriel focused on the stunning view as he pulled himself onto the wooden steps of the sea baths where he’d been swimming laps. His muscles ached, but it felt good.
Dripping wet in his swimming trunks, he grabbed his towel and dried himself. He stood in front of the baths at Brighton, right across the road from his townhouse on Beach Road, millionaire’s row by the bay.
It was one of the first places he visited when he came back to Melbourne, but not number one on the list. The first visit was reserved for his mum. But instead of returning to the familiar tumble-down wooden cottage he’d called home since childhood, this time he visited her in the aged care centre. A soul-sucking, white-walled prison for people who could no longer care for themselves and whose families could no longer look after them.
No, it wasn’t a prison so much as a waiting room. They were all waiting to die. The people who weren’t aware enough to wait on their own terms, like his Mum, had others sitting by waiting on their behalf.
He towelled his hair dry roughly, probably leaving strands sticking out all over.
Seeing his Mum so helpless was the real cause of his tension. Don’t think about it. Not when he’d be going back tomorrow and the next day. Not when he wanted to call Sinead. He didn’t want to sound all down in the dumps talking to her.
It was mid-morning in London, hopefully he’d catch her. Grabbing his phone from the gym bag by his feet, he called her, watching the shimmer of the sinking sun. He’d have to bring her here when she arrived. It was only another day, but it felt like an eternity.
His lips stretched out in a smile. “Hey Irish, how are you?”
“Better now I’m talking to you. I miss you already.”
“Right back at you. Guess where I’m standing?”
“Is this a trick question? Like you want me to say, standing in your bedroom, wishing I was there too?”
“No, but I like where your mind’s going. You’ll be here in Melbourne with me soon. I definitely want you in my bed. You’re booked in, like a date.”
Sinead giggled through the phone. “Nice date. Very romantic.” He was glad to hear her sounding happy. He’d been worried about her, after the drama back in London.
“I’m all sorts of romantic when it comes to you. Actually, I’m standing in my favourite spot in my home town, wishing you were here with me. Watching the sunset over the bay at the sea baths at Brighton Beach.”
It was a stunning spot. The late summer sun shimmered across the water’s surface, and still radiated enough heat to warrant a swim even at eight o’clock at night. He’d needed it. The tension in his neck and shoulders after the long flight from London had been bugging him. Hopefully his muscles would ease up with exercise and he’d stop another migraine in its tracks.
Sinead sighed, her voice airy as the breeze. “I know the spot, been there once or twice when I lived in Melbourne. You’re right, it’s beautiful.”
He leaned on the jetty railing. “It’s right across the road from my place. I want to take you to dinner at the swanky restaurant here, then I’d talk you into skinny-dipping …”
He could picture it. They’d eat a delicious meal at the restaurant on the beach. Seafood, something starting with the letter ‘c’, for Sinead. Crab omelette followed by citrus crème brûlée and champagne, perhaps. They’d watch the sunset over the water through the restaurant’s full length windows with a panoramic view. Then after dinner, they’d walk on the boardwalk by the sea baths and he’d chase her into the water. He’d give her a head start, or kiss her senseless first. Yes. If she was here, he’d kiss her until her lips were swollen and her expression was fierce and fiery. He could’ve groaned with frustration.
Sinead giggled. “You dirty man. I’m not skinny-dipping right in front of the restaurant. Unless it’s the middle of the night when everyone has gone home. I might let you talk me into anything then.”
He ran his towel over his hair one more time, then wrapped it around his waist. Damn, if he wasn’t half-hard already. “I like the way you think. When you get here, we can do as much night swimming as you want. What are you up to right now?” He wished he was there with her, to hold her close and make sure she was safe. And just to hear her laugh.
“Getting ready to meet Bridie for brunch. We made up, you know, after everything. She even brought Ma with her to visit me yesterday.” From the slight tremor in her voice, he knew it was a sensitive topic.
He stood still, watching a yacht cross the bay near the horizon. “Are you all right? You don’t have to talk about it, unless you want to.”
She blew out a breath so it echoed in his ear. “It’s okay. Ma asked for my forgiveness. She sounded genuine. She said she understands she was wrong to turn me away when I needed help. It still hurts, but I’ll try to forgive her. Bridie too. She didn’t know what Padraig was really like. She’s too trusting. I was too, years ago. I know how easily he could have manipulated her, because he did it to me too.”
His chest constricted when she talked about her family and her bastard ex. It was real physical pain, as if Sinead’s hurt had been transferred to him, even half a world away. He didn’t know how to make her feel better, he only knew he wanted to try. He wanted to be the kind of man who deserved her trust, her love. A better man.
“Oh, Irish. Do you want to reconcile with your family?”
“Aye, Bridie at least. But I’m so worried about her. She’s got no real direction in her life and massive debts. I don’t want her going home to live with Ma, with the rest of the family hanging around. She’ll get dragged into working for my brothers. Next thing you know, she’ll be stealing from stores for them, or breaking into houses.” She sighed.
He wanted to reach out to her, make her feel better, and forget everything except how good it was when they were together. This long-distance thing was a killer, already. But he had the beginnings of an idea, something he could help out with even from so far away. He needed to call in a few favours.
“I’m sure it will work out for Bridie. She’s young, there’s still time for her to do something different. And you need to stop worrying about everyone else and focus on getting yourself on a plane tomorrow to come see me. But no chatting up the first-class passengers. I’ve heard some stories about flight attendants. Some of them are very naughty.”
“Hmm, I’m sure. Don’t you get any ideas about looking up your old girlfriends in Melbourne. I’m going to miss you like crazy with you living in the upside-down hemisphere.”
He needed to see her face, to touch her. “There were no other girlfriends, I told you already. A few women, acquaintances really. Nothing to worry about.”
“A whole city full of random women to worry about, you mean. Promise me there won’t be anyone else. Even if I don’t get scheduled on Australian flights all the time and I can’t see you for a while. Lord, listen to me. All needy and pathetic.”
“I promise. No other women, no one but you. We’ll be together soon. And don’t worry about sounding needy,” he paused, wanting to say so much. “I need you too.”
Her voice came out breathy as the breeze playing over his bare chest. “I want to kiss you right now, but I can’t. But I’ll be thinking about it. Kissing you, touching you. All sorts of thoughts. Naked thoughts.”
His groan was loud, even to his own ears. “Me too.”
“I’d better get going. Bridie will think I’ve stood her up. See you soon.”
“Bye, Sinead.” I love you. He almost said it.
Sinead walked like a wind-up toy, operating on low batteries. She checked in to the familiar Southbank hotel in Melbourne’s CBD with a friendly hello to the staff at the glossy marble reception desk.
When she made it upstairs to her room, she wanted nothing more than a quick shower and change of clothes before she worked out how to get to Gabriel’s place. She should look up his address online or call a cab. Too much energy required.
She dumped her bag and flung herself on the bed, kicking off her high heels. More than twenty-four hours in transit had taken its toll, as usual. But this trip, she simmered with excitement. Usually she’d be down for a twelve-hour slumber, a Do Not Disturb sign on the hotel doorknob. To sleep like the dead, or the terminally jet-lagged.
This time, she’d wanted to bypass the hotel completely and take a taxi direct from Tullamarine airport to Gabriel’s apartment. But no, she might be presuming too much. He’d kind of invited her to stay with him at his apartment in Brighton, but not exactly. After their phone call twenty-four hours ago, when they’d practised dirty talk over the phone, she was bubbling over with excitement and plain old-fashioned lust.
She raised her weary self and made a cup of coffee, reading her online messages. Bridie wished her a good trip, and Yuki told her to behave. Not likely.
A riveted Yuki had sat through Sinead’s saga of a story on the second leg flight from Dubai. She’d updated her friend on her time with Gabriel. Sinead explained the horrible blow-by-blow of the whole weekend and the background on her stalker ex.
Yuki was steaming mad with Sinead for not telling her the whole story sooner, in fact, she got a smack on the arm for her trouble. But Yuki swooned when Sinead explained how Gabriel had looked after her that night and stayed with her at the police station the next morning.
Wandering to the windows, she looked out over the Melbourne skyline. Victorian buildings and silver skyscrapers and the Yarra River shimmering below in the sunshine. She wanted to be with Gabriel. Where would he take her? He seemed so excited to show her around his city. Even though she’d lived here before, she wanted to experience it with him. Not long now, and they’d be together.
She stripped off all her clothes in a nudie happy dance. Her skin was so hot, sparks practically flew off with her uniform.
One quick shower later, she was wrapped in an enormous white bath sheet and dialling Gabriel’s number. No answer. Unacceptable.
But as soon as she ended the call, her phone buzzed and vibrated in her hand, startling her out of her daydreams.
“Gabriel?”
“Hello, Irish. Good to hear your voice. Have you gone through security yet? I can come and meet you.”
Happy heat rolled across her cheeks. “I’ve checked into my hotel and had a shower. I’m all wet. And naked.”
She exaggerated a little, hoping to hear his groan in reaction to her words. She loved that sound and he didn’t disappoint. The noise out of his throat was all deep and rumbly. It shot straight to its target in her lady parts.
“God, Sinead. You’re trying to kill me over the phone. But why did you go to the hotel? I want you to stay with me.”
Her lips stretched in a smile so wide her cheeks could’ve split open. “All right.”
“All right? I’m at work at the moment so I’m already in the city. I’ll skip out early and pick you up. Give me half an hour.”
“You know the hotel? The Southbank one.”
“Yep, already on my way. See you soon. Stay naked, I’ll come to your room.”
“Okay. Be quick.”
She was definitely trying to kill him and he wasn’t complaining. Gabriel lay in Sinead’s hotel bed, naked and relaxed. Should he wake the sleeping beauty lying beside him? No, not yet.
She’d jumped him at the door when he’d arrived. What a sight for sore eyes, wearing nothing but a towel and a pair of sparkly silver high heels. The towel disappeared in half a second and he’d been totally on board with whatever she had in mind. So much for taking her back to his place. Hotels had their uses.
It involved a lot of kissing all over his very grateful body, while she removed his clothes and performed some kind of torturously slow sexy-dance. She’d left the high heels on, even when the dance became more horizontal and X-rated. Lucky they’d got through the preliminary round of getting to know each other before her jet-lag hit. Then she’d pretty much passed out.
The waiting was killing him. Looking at her lying next to him, bare, creamy skin only half covered by a crisp white cotton sheet, his relaxed mood suddenly wore off. He wanted her again and it was getting urgent. He needed her. Not in this hotel. He was damned sick of hotels; he wanted her in his bed.
Then she made a groaning, sexy noise, and to top it off, she wiggled her hips. He was close enough to feel the movement against his side. It did interesting things to his body.
Her mouth popped open. “Oh, Gabriel.”
He leaned closer, examining her face. Eyelids shut, eyes moving rapidly behind the shutters. She was still asleep. Dreaming of him. His heart suddenly felt too big for his chest, like it might explode at any second.
“Yes, like that.”
Fascinated and more than a little turned on, he watched as her right hand, which had been wrapped around her own stomach, pushed the sheet down lower. Her fingertips blazed a trail down the gentle curve of her belly to the Promised Land. A land he’d like to explore further.
She made another little noise, like a sigh. He couldn’t lie next to her and watch, could he? It seemed creepy, like he was spying on her. But he couldn’t tear his eyes away.
As a compromise, he leaned in and pressed a kiss on her throat, then whispered in her ear. “I’m here, sweetheart.”
Her eyelids fluttered. “Mmm. I love you.”
He froze. Hot blood pounded through his veins and his body tightened. Did she really say she loved him? It was all he hoped for, but she’d said it in her sleep so it probably didn’t mean anything. Her eyes flickered open, drowsy and clouded over by the lingering dream and some emotion he couldn’t read.
“Hi,” she whispered.
“Hi, yourself.”
“I was dreaming about you.”
“Were you?” Of course she was, but he couldn’t bring himself to mention what she’d said in her sleep.
“Yes. I’m glad you’re really here.”
Stroking the slope of her shoulder, he tried to speak. He tried to summon some bravery but chickened out. “Come stay with me?”
“Absolutely.”
“But first I think I need to make your dream come true.” Dammit, he couldn’t wait a minute longer.
Licking a path from her breasts down to her stomach, he circled her navel and tasted her sweet skin. He couldn’t get enough.
When he ducked under the sheet and moved down to trail kisses between her thighs, Sinead’s moans made him a very happy man. He’d make her a happy woman too. At least for now.
Sinead squinted her eyes to block out the blinding sun reflecting off sheets of glass. The front of the designer townhouses opposite the beach were like mirrors on a hot, clear day. Where were her sunglasses? She held her hand up to shield her eyes. She wasn’t prepared for the last blast of an Australian summer after leaving London’s cool, misty winter.
They arrived at Gabriel’s apartment in the late afternoon and sweltering heat. The heatwaves were visible, shimmering above the asphalt road like a gateway to another dimension. As if she was in a science-fiction movie and she’d stepped through a portal transporting her directly into the heart of summertime on another planet. She blinked her eyes a few times. Lord, she was so tired she was delusional.
Gabriel opened his front door and ushered her inside, placing his hand possessively on her lower back. It gave her tingles. She loved feeling she belonged to him, even if it was only a tiny gesture. He let her go as he hauled her suitcase over the threshold.
Stepping into the apartment, her mouth dropped open as she scanned the open-plan living space. It was elegant and modern as she’d expected, but minimalist to the point of being bare. Definitely the word for it. Bare.
Gabriel’s apartment was like a space-age movie set, all blank white walls with one enormous flat-screen television, hard-edged grey leather sofas, dark metal and glass coffee tables and a black glossy kitchen with shining stainless steel appliances. No artwork, no photographs or magazines, none of the usual clutter lying around someone’s home. It was like a hotel room or a younger man’s bachelor pad, but even more sterile. Where was the reflection of his personality in this place?
Sinead spun in a circle, taking it all in, then came to a stop and watched Gabriel. He still stood by the door with his hands stuffed into his jeans pockets. His expression was closed off, eyes cool and distant. Waiting for her reaction.
She glanced over his shoulder and caught a flash of blue – the view out the full-length windows on either side of the door. She could see straight across Beach Road to the bay, water stretching for miles in a flat aquamarine line until it met the cloudless summer sky.
“Do you like it?”
“I love the view, it’s amazing. The apartment is lovely too, but a bit … empty. Are you still decorating?”
He shook his head, looking around the room. “I bought the place for the view, but I haven’t spent much time here. With all the travelling and Mum’s illness, I spend a lot of time in hotels and at her house. It is a bit empty.”
Sinead felt something tighten in her chest at his words. This place wasn’t a real home, any more than her London flat. He deserved better. They both did.
He strode towards her, closing the distance between them, placing his large hands on her hips. Sinead melted into him, like an ice lolly on the hood of a car at the beach. The imprint of his warm hand grasping her through her light blue summer dress made her lower belly clench. His touch warmed all sorts of places inside her, matching the heat on her exposed, sun-warmed skin.
Her hands landed on his chest, hot and hard beneath his sunny yellow T-shirt with a surf brand logo. His heartbeat thudded under her touch. She’d been surprised he’d worn something so casual to work that day. But he’d said lots of Aussies dressed down in the office unless they were going to a formal meeting. He wore the look so well, like a cross between a professional surfer and a male model. So delicious-looking he made her mouth water. Summer weather was growing on her.
Gabriel’s eyes were as deep as the sea in the distance. “I want to take you to meet her. My Mum, I mean. But I have to warn you, she’s not doing so well. She’s gone downhill and she doesn’t seem aware of what’s going on around her.” He took a deep breath and the words came out low. “It’s Alzheimer’s. She’s not getting better.”
Her breath stalled. Alzheimer’s. She knew it was something serious, but Alzheimer’s was such a cruel disease.
His eyes now had a liquid sheen warning of imminent tears. Poor, sweet Gabriel.
She lifted her right hand to cup his face, stroking along his jaw, rough with the beginnings of a five o’clock shadow. She raised up on tiptoes in her flip-flop sandals and pressed a gentle kiss to his full lower lip, offering comfort through her touch. It was only a quick kiss, but the way he squeezed her hips showed he appreciated it.
She pulled away and stroked her fingers down his arms. “So let’s go see her. We can come back here later and you can finish showing me around.”
“Okay.”
Sinead threaded her fingers through his and they walked hand-in-hand back out through Gabriel’s front door. She needed to support him this time, and she was thrilled he wanted her by his side.
The ride in Gabriel’s convertible BMW down sunshiny Beach Road and some unidentified highway left Sinead’s hair in a matted tangle down her back. Her skin was dry after her long flight and now it baked under the unforgiving Australian sun. She wasn’t looking her best and her fingers shook in her lap. She shouldn’t be nervous, but meeting Gabriel’s mother was a big deal. And sort of scary.
She straightened her short dress as she hopped out of the car, and stood tall as she entered the aged care facility. It was like a small hospital, somewhere in Melbourne’s southern suburbia, a concrete block of blandness.
She walked beside Gabriel down a dull corridor smelling vaguely of bleach. A blast of chilly air-conditioning cooled her skin in an instant. Gabriel’s apartment seemed sterile, but this place took sterile to another level. The place gave her the creeps. She shivered, and she didn’t think it was only the air-con. What exactly was she walking into here?
They entered a lounge area and she took in the scene – a group of ancient, white-haired people sitting in wheelchairs in a lounge area, facing the television or the windows, blank expressions on their faces. Family members sat nearby, drinking tea and making polite conversation, with no response from their loved ones.
An old lady laughed at nothing in particular and a middle-aged nurse wheeled her back down the corridor. Sinead looked across to Gabriel, but he didn’t say a word. Was he okay?
He took her hand when they came to another beige corridor, his grip strong and reassuring. They came to the first door on the left. Sinead noticed the photocopied sign on the door, which read ‘Susan Anderson’. Underneath was a tacked-on Polaroid photo of a good-looking middle-aged woman with unlined skin, short blonde hair, distant, pale blue eyes and a pleasant smile.
Sinead’s blood ran cold as the implications hit her. Gabriel’s mother was still relatively young, only in her fifties. From what he’d explained on the drive, Susan was likely to be stuck in an aged care home for the rest of her life. A life which wasn’t expected to go on much longer. Her belly rolled over, sick for Gabriel and his mother. For a life cut short and a son’s pain still to come.
Gabriel grabbed the door handle and pushed it open. Sinead took a couple of hesitant steps into the room behind him, her flip-flops thwacking on the floor tiles and Gabriel’s deep inhalation of breath echoing in the otherwise silent room.
Tension bunched in Gabriel’s shoulders as he spoke. “Hello, Mum. I’m back to see you again. I’ve brought someone to meet you.”
There was no response from the woman who sat half propped up on an adjustable hospital bed. Sinead stepped to Gabriel’s side and grasped his hand, then took in Susan’s serene appearance. She didn’t move. Her hair had been brushed into a smooth bob and she wore a casual T-shirt and track pants, as if she was about to go jogging at any moment. But that wouldn’t happen. The thin plastic tube running into Susan’s nose and the drip attached to her arm belied the idea. They were the only outward indications of her illness.
Sinead tried to meet Gabriel’s mother’s eyes. “Hello, Mrs Anderson. I’m Sinead Kennealy.” Wondering what else to say, heart thundering in her ears, she tipped her face up to Gabriel’s. “I’m Gabriel’s girlfriend. Someday, something more. I hope.”
Eyes widening ever so slightly, Gabriel went still as a statue. Sinead’s cheeks heated at the bombshell she’d let slip. Whoops. She trained her eyes back to the woman in the hospital bed. The pristine white sheets beneath Susan’s legs were unruffled.
Gabriel tugged on Sinead’s hand and led her to the two visitor chairs by the window. He pulled both chairs across to the side of Susan’s bed and Sinead sat down. She crossed her legs and planted her hands in her lap, a lump rising in her throat. Sinead was out of her depth, not sure whether to talk to Gabriel, or stay silent until he took the lead. Was he regretting Sinead’s being here?
Standing at his mother’s bedside, Gabriel was calm and gentle. He bent to place a kiss on his mother’s cheek and brushed his hand through her hair. Then he sat heavily beside Sinead.
Gabriel patted her hand. “Why don’t you tell Mum a bit about yourself? I’m sure she’d like to hear from someone besides me and the nurses for a change.”
She nodded, glancing at his face. He offered a taut smile. “Sure. I’m originally from Dublin, as you can probably tell from my accent. But why don’t I tell you how I met Gabriel. It makes a funny story.”
Sinead’s mouth turned upwards as Gabriel placed his hand over hers, rubbing his thumb in tiny circles across the back of her hand.
She spoke for some time, telling Susan the story of her relationship with Gabriel so far. She explained how she lived in London, but visited Melbourne often. Sinead couldn’t imagine going about her business in London without him. Susan breathed evenly, but had no other reaction to anything Sinead said.
A doctor in a white coat knocked on the door and entered, smiling as she laid eyes on both Gabriel and Sinead. A plump woman with kind eyes, Sinead guessed in her mid-forties. The name “Dr Maria Fiorini” was printed on her name tag.
“Hello, Gabriel. Nice to see you again and with another visitor too. I came to give you an update on Susan’s treatment plan. Is now a good time?”
“Yes, it’s fine. Maria, this is my girlfriend, Sinead.”
Hearing the girlfriend moniker from Gabriel’s lips caused a little bubble of pleasure to burst in her chest and her face to light up. She probably had a silly grin on her face. The doctor raised her perfectly arched eyebrows. It didn’t matter if Maria decided she was over-friendly.
“Hi, Maria.” Sinead extended her hand to the doctor.
Maria sat on the end of Susan’s bed and shook Sinead’s hand. “Hello, Sinead, it’s nice to meet you.”
She retrieved a medical chart attached to a clipboard hanging on the foot of the bed and glanced over it briefly.
“Gabriel, as you know, Susan contracted a severe chest infection soon after she arrived here for respite care. We treated her with a high dose of antibiotics through an IV line. She’s done well recovering and breathing on her own again, so the immediate issue is making a decision about her ongoing care. Alzheimer’s disease progresses slowly in the initial stages, but now Susan’s at a stage requiring a high level of care. I don’t think she should return home, even with the nursing staff you organised. I’d recommend she remains here. But of course the decision sits with you as next of kin.”
Gabriel shook his head and looked at the floor. When he lifted his head he looked first to Sinead, then Maria.
When he spoke, he sounded exhausted. “I understand. I’ve been expecting this, although I was hoping Mum could stay in her own home until the end. It’s what she wanted.”
Maria reached for his hand. “I know. But Susan hasn’t regained her ability to speak since the infection hit. Even beforehand, she wasn’t capable of making an informed decision. We’re not sure how long she’ll have left.”
“Okay, let me think about it. I’ll let you know tomorrow.”
Sinead’s heart stuttered. Poor Gabriel, it was the kind of decision no-one wanted to make. She glanced at Gabriel now clenching his jaw, his eyes glittering. She wanted to hold him close, wrap him in her arms and let him cry or shout, whatever he needed. But not here. He wouldn’t let out such emotion in front of his silent mother and the doctor.
“Of course, we can talk again tomorrow. I’ll check on Susan now.”
Maria made her way to Susan’s side and completed her observations, checking the drip and making sure her patient was comfortable. Sinead supposed there was nothing more to be done for Susan now. She blinked a few times, not wanting to give in to tears, for Gabriel’s sake. She didn’t want him upset any further, he had enough worries.
Gabriel gripped Sinead’s hand firmly, pressing his knee against the side of Sinead’s thigh at the same time. His tension was palpable, radiating from his like electricity.
She hoped he’d let her share the burden of his worries.
Lying on his back in the dark, unease crept over Gabriel like spiders crawling across his skin. With Sinead lying beside him in his own bed, he’d expected to find a sense of peace. But not after visiting his Mum. The conversation with Dr Fiorini circled through his head in a never-ending loop.
Lurking at the back of his mind, like a monster under the bed, was the issue he’d pushed away for years. Now it reared its ugly head. It wouldn’t get out of his face. He needed to talk to Sinead about the realities he was facing, what she could be facing if they made plans to stay together.
No. He needed to do more than talk. He needed to make a break.
The pain slicing through his gut at the idea of breaking it off with Sinead made it hard to breathe. He sat, raising his legs and resting his head in his hands. And he watched her. Memorised every curve, every detail.
Sinead was wearing his clothes, a loose white cotton shirt he usually threw on when he hit the beach or the gym. She’d never looked sexier, stretched out on his crisp white sheets, her long white-washed hair trailing over one shoulder.
In the dark she was all monochromes and curves in shades of white and grey, like an old Hollywood screen siren. But she was real, flesh and blood. So passionate.
The passion they’d shared still burned through his body. Sinead had taken him to a place where nothing else mattered but blinding pleasure, sharp and bright, like stars shining clear and true in the night sky outside his bedroom window.
He had no doubt she was his perfect match. But was it fair to let her tie herself to him, knowing the pain in store if she stuck with him long term? He already knew the answer.
He trailed his fingertips up Sinead’s arm, then wrapped his arm around her, pulling her close into his body. He didn’t want to let her go. He had some tough decisions to make, and soon. Meeting a woman like Sinead at all, but especially at this stage of his life, was something he’d never considered. It was terrible timing.
Giving up on sleep as a bad joke, he rose and got ready for a walk. It was almost dawn. He’d be alone and have some time to think across the road on the beach. Sometimes the fresh air helped give him clarity. He could only hope for a bucket load of clarity before breakfast, when he’d talk to Sinead again.
Where am I?
Sinead jolted awake, breaths short and shallow, disorientation making her head spin. The feeling often followed her on trips around the world. Where had she slept? Not a hotel … white walls, plain metal beside table. Gabriel’s apartment. Her brain slowly caught up with her body, on high alert after her terrifying dream.
Padraig had been chasing her through a dark alley, her heart pounding a deafening beat in her ears, the whole scene awash with red, like a scene from a horror movie. A large, rough hand caught her and tugged her down to the ground, and she woke.
“Gabriel?” Her voice was shaky. She rolled over and patted the space beside her. He wasn’t in bed.
She found her phone on the steel cube bedside table, checking the time in the half-light. Five o’clock in the morning. The sun was barely making its presence known, offering a scant sliver of lemon yellow light through the crack in Gabriel’s bedroom blinds. She noticed a text message waiting.
Couldn’t sleep. Gone for walk on beach. Back in time for breakfast. G.
Sinead had two choices – wait for him to come back as he expected, or go and find him. It wasn’t much of a decision. She’d never been particularly good at hanging around and waiting for things to happen.
She was worried about Gabriel. There was something about the way he clung to her last night which left her uneasy. Talking to his mother’s doctor had upset him. That might have been all. But the niggling feeling it was something more wouldn’t leave her alone.
Hurriedly throwing on her summer dress and Gabriel’s hooded sweatshirt, Sinead pocketed her phone and headed out of his apartment. Within a couple of minutes she was across Beach Road and walking along the damp sand by the water’s edge, still unmarred by footprints. She grabbed her flip-flops in one hand and let the refreshing water wash over her feet.
It was a gorgeous morning, with the promise of heat to come later in the day. The water was flat and a slate blue-grey, with only a hint of white foam when the miniature waves broke near the shore. She walked for a few minutes, enjoying the quiet and calm.
The famous Brighton bathing boxes came into view, framing the beach on the road side. The long row of multi-coloured, hand-painted wooden shacks were a tourist attraction and a magnet for amateur photographers. But at this time of day, she spotted only one figure sitting limp and folded over on the steps of one of the tiny houses, painted with a garish dolphin and starfish design.
Gabriel’s head rested on his hands, and his shoulders shook in a rough rhythm. His pain squeezed like a tightly bound ribbon around Sinead’s heart. She crossed the sand and approached, breathing deeply, preparing herself for the sight of his face.
He raised his head and his face was red and blotchy, damp with tears. She wanted to launch herself into his lap and hug him tight. But she moved quietly and sat close beside him on the wooden step. Taking one of his hands in hers, she wrapped the other behind his back. His body shuddered.
She rubbed her hand up and down his spine. “It’s all right, you can tell me. What’s wrong?”
He’d probably deny anything was wrong, though his heart was clearly breaking.
He shook his head. “It’s everything. My Mum, my job, you and me. All at once. I feel like I’ve been on a treadmill for the last fifteen years, running non-stop. Now someone’s asked me to get off. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. Everything’s changing. I love Mum but I can’t give her the quiet end to her life at home like she wanted. I can’t do my job like I should. Being CEO was getting to be too much and now the company might be torn apart in a takeover.” He paused, glancing at her. “Then there’s you. I can’t give you what you deserve, Sinead.”
Her hand stilled in position between his shoulder blades. “What do you mean? What I deserve, what I want, it’s you.”
He shook his head again, turning his troubled eyes towards her. “You don’t know what you mean. You saw my Mum yesterday. The disease, what it’s done to her. It’s an awful thing to watch someone you love degenerate. It runs in families, Sinead.” His voice dropped to a gravelly whisper and his eyes fixed on her. “It’s early-onset Alzheimer’s. Mum was diagnosed at forty-two. In a few years, that could be me. Not being able to speak or eat. But first, I could slowly lose my mind. Forget who I am, forget how to work and look after myself. Forget who you are. I don’t want anyone to look after me like a child. Especially you. You deserve a real life, without me.”
Sinead’s throat closed up. She couldn’t swallow or get enough air. Gabriel could get sick like his mother? And soon. No wonder he was so worried. It was terrifying – nobody wanted to face such a terrible disease. But did he really think she’d abandon him? Go back to London like they’d never met, as if they meant nothing to each other? Apparently so. And here she was, thinking ahead to being together for better or worse, in sickness and health.
“I had no idea this was on your mind. Of course you’re scared you might get sick like your Mum, it’s only natural. But you’re getting ahead of yourself. You don’t even know if you have this disease. You need to talk to a doctor, find out if that’s what you’re facing. But no matter what, I’m yours, Gabriel.” She breathed deep, but said the words. She had to get them out. “I love you and I want to be by your side.”
He scooted away from her, leaning his arms on his knees, trembling. “Don’t say that. You can’t love me, we only just met. I’m the wrong choice for you, Irish. I want you to go back to London and find someone else. A good man who can make you happy, give you children, have a full life. Forget about me.”
She hopped off the step and stood on shifting sand, facing him. Her face heated, her annoyance rising up, unable to be contained. “Don’t tell me what I feel. You’re the only man I’ve known who’s touched me body and soul. You protected me when Padraig came after me. You put yourself in danger to help me.” She was waving her hand in the air, but forced herself to be still. “You believe in me, make me think I can do more with my life. I do love you. I see the sweet man you really are, what you don’t show the rest of the world. You see me, and I see you. I won’t let you push me away because I know you’re the only man I could ever be happy with.”
He clenched his jaw so a muscle ticked near his ear. “You don’t have a choice. I won’t let you stick around until I ruin your life. I’m taking you back to your hotel and that’ll be it. I’ll say goodbye.”
She blinked, not understanding this closed-off man in front of her. “Take me back to my hotel, say goodbye. But know this – I’ll wait for you. I know you’re having a horrible time at the moment with your mum. I’d stay and support you, if you’d let me. I’ll be waiting when you’re ready to come back to me.”
He pinned her with those eyes, bluer-than-the-summer-sky. “Don’t wait for me. There’s no future for us. If I don’t make a break now, I don’t know if I’ll be able to do it. When the time comes.” His head dropped down, his expression hidden. “I need you to leave. Now. Before it kills me.”
Sinead’s stomach tipped and rolled like she was back on the plane in the storm, on the day they met. Only this time she might crash and burn. She stood, backed away, shaking her head.
She was trembling as she walked away from him. Back along the beach, back towards his apartment. Trudging through damp sand was hard work, it resisted and fought her every step. Her leg muscles burned with the effort.
She’d get her gear and be gone before he got back. There was no use talking to him anymore, not with the emotions threatening to choke her. Not with him stubbornly pushing her away.
She couldn’t talk to him because he didn’t even want her around.
Her mind, her heart, rebelled at the idea. He was trying to protect her again. Or was he?
What had shaken her more than anything he’d said today, was what he hadn’t said before. He had never once said he loved her.