THAT’S THE WAY LOVE GOES
The next morning was Monday and I was feeling great! Sean just left and I was headed to the gym, even though I just had a sweaty work out. I decided to call Kalena to see what’s up with the bride to be. She answered the phone all cheery and I loved it. She asked me to stop by afterwards, and I told her I would be there in a few hours.
I needed to work out with all the food I had eaten over the weekend: cake, banana pudding, potato salad, BBQ and fried fish. I slipped on my workout clothes which consisted of some navy blue yoga pants, a red tee shirt from the Gap that said “Inspired” and some black and red Adidas tennis shoes. I grabbed my iPod as I went out the door.
Once I got outside, I decided to walk the lake instead of going to the gym. It was a beautiful morning and I wanted to soak in some nature. I like looking at the ducks, walking on the dirt trails, and seeing the redwood trees and green grass. The water is a different story. It’s not exactly clear blue; more like seaweed green. You definitely can’t see to the bottom like the water in the Caribbean, but it’s definitely Oakland’s best landmark and it offers tranquility through its nature.
I parked on the Lakeshore Avenue side of the lake and as I got out of my SUV, my crackberry let me know I had a text message.
It was Jason saying “Good Morning” with a smiley face. That made me smile.
I sent a “Good Mornting” back to him (I got that from Tyler Perry’s character Madea). I put my phone on silent and stuck it under my seat. I got out and secured the doors with the remote. As I headed west towards Lake Merritt Bakery, I turned my on iPod and was greeted with the words from Janet Jackson’s That’s The Way Love Goes . . .
Like a moth to the flame,
I’m burnt by the fire,
My love is blind,
Can’t you see my desire?
I started thinking about Jason and I wanted to shout:
Is this the way love goes? The love of your life ups and moves to Vegas to be with another chick? Are you serious? And you’re left behind trying to pick up the pieces, not understanding who, why, and what just happened. I was thinking everything was cool and we were growing together. Where did this random chick come from?
I thought he was the one and we were gonna move in together and have that perfect love story ending. When I was buying my house, he was there. He even picked out my expensive slate kitchen floor.
Slate????
I didn’t even know what slate was.
Then he just upped and left without saying goodbye.
No clue, no voicemail, no letter. He just packed his stuff and left. How did he manage a move like that without me knowing?
Well, we weren’t exclusive and had our fair share of space from each other.
I remember the last time we spoke, right before Thanksgiving 2002. He was supposed to call back after he went to the gym and he never did. I called and left a message, and he never returned my call. I left another message the next day. I left it at that, not knowing he had no intention of talking to me again. We talked to each other almost six or seven times almost a day. We went to the movies, out to dinner, to Warrior basketball games, and out shopping. We got along great. I did manage to see other people, but I never discussed them. I was sure he was seeing other women because we didn’t have sex a lot. But we seemed to have top priority with each other. The dudes I was seeing were just time wasters or sex buddies. I wasn’t taking any of them seriously and some of them knew about Jason.
I remember when I found out that he moved. Derrick called after he left the barber shop where he gets his hair cut, and asked if I was driving or at home sitting down. I had just gotten home and would call him back because I was headed to the bathroom.
After I settled down, I called Derrick back and he proceeded with his story.
His barber Malik was talking about going to Vegas. He told Derrick that Jason gave him all his clients because he had just moved to Las Vegas to be with his girlfriend.
I remember going into shock after I hung the phone up on Derrick. The pain that occurred in my stomach wouldn’t allow me to stand to my feet. My head started hurting and I remembered crying myself to sleep on the couch that night with cramps and a punctured heart. If I had visited the doctor right then, the diagnosis would have been severe heartbreak.
As I made my way past what used to be the Henry J. Kaiser Convention Center, I looked to my right and saw two ducks swimming up stream.
No drama, just in sync.
I stopped to watch because they had something I wanted. They had each other. My iPod was playing Halfcrazy by Musiq. A tear started to form. I thought about how much I loved this song when it first came out. Jason and I watched the video together and I was singing, really trying to show him there was a message in this song and it was about him.
He never did catch on.
As I leaned over the embankment, I thought about the years of dealing with Jason. I’ve always been in love with him and he never could see it. Either that, or he didn’t want to. Back then, he didn’t think our friendship was as serious as I did. I thought we were building something. I quietly struggled with the disappointments, mixed signals and joyous times with Jason, because I really loved him and always thought he was the guy I was supposed to choose. In that way, he was like Drew and my other old boyfriends before him. Throughout, I learned to be more patient and to accept people for who they were; not who I thought they were. But he also held on to our friendship strongly.
I wanted to stop talking to him many times. I tried to end our confused friendship, but he wouldn’t let me go. He was determined to keep me around. We would stop talking, but that was only temporary. He would do what it took to grab my attention.
Like right now. He made me feel like I was important to him, so I’ve kept chasing after what I believe is our destiny. We have always acted like we were in a relationship. I figured he would eventually ask me to be with him exclusively.
Then he started acting funny. He created the distance he needed to make a break, and then moved to Vegas. I vaguely remembered when he called me, but I do remember where I was when he called. I was at the hair salon, waiting on Jordyn to finish twisting my hair. I excused myself and stepped out of the salon when I answered my cell on that gloomy rainy November morning to be greeted by Jason’s voice.
It was like nothing had happened; never mind the eleven months that passed with no contact. Never mind that he called from another area code, which confirmed that he really did move.
I remembered making small talk. I stopped talking all of a sudden, remembering that I was speaking to someone who broke my heart. I continued listening while he went on and on.
“Is this the number where I can call you?” I remembered asking him while Jordyn called me back in to get twisted.
“Yes. Call me anytime,” he said.
I accepted and looked forward to our next conversation. I needed answers.
I decided to wipe off these tears of mine and get around this lake. It’s a three-mile walk, and I wasn’t even at the half point. I start power-walking to speed up a bit. I tried to take my mind off of Jason. I always feel better after a good cry. My mind is clearer and I can feel myself breathe again. As the songs played in my iPod, I thanked God for all He has done for me, my friends and family. I looked up into the blue sky and started to smile through my pain, because life is still good and so is God.
I made it around the lake in 53 minutes. I stopped at the gas station on the corner to get gas and headed to the 580 Freeway toward the Keller Avenue Exit. I hoped Kalena has something to eat. I was hungry.