4. There Be Dragons

Precious Gifts from the Nosh Cupboard

by MARCELLA CARBORUNDUREM-McVORTVORT, Alternate Reality News Service Food and Drink Writer

 

You’ve just spent a gruelling three or four months battling evil orcs, Morks and Baldroggian morporcs. Several good men and true have died in the effort. Most of the remainder of your party will be scarred for the rest of their lives by the experience. Yet, in the end, as it always must, evil has been vanquished.

How should the survivors celebrate?

If you live on Earth Prime 1-3-5-8-8-6 dash epsilon (local name: Athstragor), you could do worse than Moishe’s Nosh Cupboard in The Valley of Unsung Heroes. (Despite the obvious advantage of having the location in the name, it is quite a mouthful, so locals simply refer to the delicatessen as “The Bagel.”)

“We get all kinds, here,” laughed owner Ariel Kerplatsky. “Hobbits. Goblins. Tax assessors. They come for the dragons, but they come back for the food.”

Ah, yes, the dragons. Although they tend to be reclusive, dozens of dragons are employed at The Bagel as fry cooks (they are often used as a back-up source of heat when the ovens are on the fritz), busboys and even delivery agents. You can order food from the deli from anywhere in Athstragor: simply scrying glass your order in and wait for a dragon to deliver it. (Their motto: “30 hours anywhere in the world, or it’s free!”)

As unique as the ambience is, it is the food that determines the quality of a restaurant, and, I have to say, the food at The Bagel was excellent. The Braised Beelf Brisket was to die for – tender and juicy, with just a hint of coriander (or whatever the equivalent is in this universe). What is beelf, you may ask? (It’s okay, I asked, too.)

According to Ariel, beelf is a magical creature that lives forever. When a beelf grows too large to move, meat is carved out of its side (although this operation used to be quite barbaric, it is now done in a sanitary glen with the most modern anaesthetic available: ether). One of the magical properties of beelf is that the atoms that are taken from their bodies slowly migrate back to them after they have been removed.

“So,” Ariel pointed out, “you may feel hungry an hour later. On the other hand, it’s great for people on a diet.”

“How can that possibly be kosher?” I wondered.

“It’s all in the way you slaughter the animal,” Ariel explained. “I assure you, the head rabbi of Athstragor did approve.”

I asked if this applied to the corned beelf.

“Sure does,” Ariel told me.

And, the roast beelf?

“Same drill.”

How about the spaghetti and beelfballs?

“Is that – what? Let me see that menu,” Ariel said. After a moment, he said, “Damn the dozen dozey eyes of Dallagor – that’s a typo! I’m going to have to have a talk with the dragon who proofread that!”

Although the fries were tempting (“Made from potatoes flown in by dragon from Hobbittown every morning!”), I decided to have “One Basket of Onion Rings To Bind Them” as a side. As I expected, they were a crispy golden brown kind of delicious. And, the best part? The batter was made of bran, so I could argue that they were actually healthy for me.

Considering they are such a big part of the restaurant’s appeal, I had to ask: how do you get the dragons to be so cooperative? “Every dragon has a secret name,” Ariel said with a wink. “You know what the name is, you can control what the dragon does. Plus, we have a great benefits package!”

At 60 stories high, The Bagel is hard to miss. (Most of the floors have to be at least two stories high to accommodate the movement of the dragons.) The only thing to rival it is Sauron’s Towers, a retirement home on the other side of The Valley of Unsung Heroes. But, Sauron’s Towers doesn’t have dragons flying in and out of it at all hours of the day and night (although, to be fair, the Bagel doesn’t have a cardiac unit on 24 hour duty – everything has its pluses and minuses).

And, is there a Moishe at Moishe’s Nosh Cupboard in The Valley of Unsung Heroes? Ariel laughed. “Moishe was my father’s father’s father’s father. We keep the name out of respect. Well, respect and the fact that our accountants tell us that it would be too expensive to rebrand the operation. The cost of changing the business cards alone would kill us!”

Tasty and practical. I look forward to my next visit!