How to Be the Star of Your Own Fat Rom-Com

by
LILY ANDERSON

Romantic comedies can start anywhere—a classroom, a bookstore, the middle of the street. Whether you’re a sweet cinnamon roll, a raunchy bro, or the overall-clad artist just waiting to be made over for prom: Your romance is out there, waiting for you, Fat Babe.

STEP 1. BE THE BEST HERO YOU CAN BE

A good romantic comedy lead is the one who is being authentically themselves. You’re living your life out loud, not waiting around for life to happen to you. You’re doing stuff you love (hanging with friends, crushing your extracurriculars, reading dope books like this one).

You’re not waiting for love. You’re cultivating a totally you, totally full life where love is welcome to walk in the door at any moment. Because YOU are a complete person already. You’re not looking for another half, Fat Babe. You’re looking for someone worthy of all that love you have to give.

Being authentically you doesn’t mean refusing to change or digging your heels in when choices aren’t working. You’re a biological organism—sometimes, you gotta grow! Just because you’ve never done something (like public speaking or skydiving), doesn’t mean you never will. Keep your heart open and your eyes clear!

Avoid This Trope: Don’t Sidekick Yourself

Growing up, we all see and hear a lot of fatphobia that can make us feel like we’ll never be the star of our own lives. In movies and on TV, fat folks are often the sidekicks and that can make us feel like that’s our only role to play in life. You might feel like your fatness somehow makes you less deserving of attention.

No way! Don’t you dare put yourself on the sidelines, Fat Babe! You are just as worthy of the spotlight as anyone else. You weren’t born to let other people shine for you. Your story has already started, and you’ve been the star the whole time. Act like it!

STEP 2. LOCK DOWN YOUR LOOK

Let me tell you, as someone who has seen plastic chokers come back into fashion twice (?!), wear whatever makes you feel hot. As a teenager, I wore Frederick’s of Hollywood corsets as tops, dyed my hair orange, and once had a giant Claire’s snake necklace that I wore for three years in a row because it made me feel like a fat Joan Jett. Was I? I don’t know. Did Joan Jett have a skirt made from a Fiddler on the Roof souvenir T-shirt? Probably not!

Chase your fashion bliss. Get down with your fat self. Thrift stores, resale websites, and the clearance racks at department stores are here for you. Don’t be afraid to make alterations or additions where you see fit. Shop in both the men’s and women’s sections, because gendered clothing is arbitrary!

Avoid This Trope: The “Flattering” Wardrobe

“Flattering” is trash. It means that the clothes are actively hiding something that society has deemed not good enough. Don’t go hiding your arms because of what someone else might think of them. Those are your arms. They carry your hopes and dreams and heavy books and deserve to see the sun.

If you want to rock out with your tum out, do it. If you want the world to see your rolls, go for it. This is the only body you get, and it should be your friend. Dress it up however you want. Fuck the rules. You will look your best when you feel like you look your best. You’re never fully dressed without a positive attitude about your outfit.

STEP 3. GET YOUR ENSEMBLE CAST READY

Make sure you have a good sounding board. You can’t do it all on your own, every day. Sometimes you will need other points of view to help you find your way through a situation.

Who are your go-to friends? Do you already have a sassy sidekick who will push you out of your comfort zone? A crew of like-minded weirdos who always have your back?

Whether you’re developing new friendships or surrounded by your lifelong pals, make sure you have some cool platonic folks around. Siblings, cousins, and quirky grandparents may also apply. The Internet can be great for this, too! Long-distance friends and message-board compatriots are totally valid. Some of my best friends in the world I met on Twitter!

Avoid This Trope: The Frenemies

Life is too short to hang with people who make you feel bad. People who demand favors but never show up for you. People who make “jokes” that are really insults. People who use the word fat as an insult or harmful self-deprecation—“I feel so fat today!”

Well, la-di-dah, Hypothetical Fatphobe Friend, because I’m fat every day, and I feel great.

If someone in your life is making you feel small or stupid, speak up for yourself, Fat Babe, and then walk away. Be clear about your feelings in the moment to save yourself from being miserable in the future. Advocate for yourself the way you would advocate for someone you love—because no one is more deserving of your love than you are. You wouldn’t let your friends slander each other or themselves. Don’t you dare let them do it to you. If someone says something hurtful, respond with, “That hurt my feelings,” or, “Please don’t talk about me that way.” And if they are unwilling to work with you, they’re probably not a good friend.

STEP 4. FINDING YOUR LOVE INTEREST

This is the hard part. Finding the perfect love interest for you is definitely a question of personal taste. Is it your long-standing crush? The class clown in the back of the room? Your nemesis? (Everyone loves an enemies-to-lovers story!) Find someone who makes your heart sing and your palms sweat in that way that makes you feel like the shiniest star in the sky. Because you are! Did you know that no one else in the whole world has ever been or ever will be you? OMG, Fat Babe! You’re basically the rarest gem. No wonder you’re the lead of this rom-com.

Avoid This Trope: Secret Relationships

Watch out for people who make you feel almost shiny enough. You don’t deserve to be anyone’s secret sweetheart or sidepiece. Your fat body isn’t something for someone else to “get over” or to “like you in spite of.” There are people in the world who will be attracted to you the way you are right now, without any caveats. Those people deserve to costar in your romantic comedy. Not people who won’t let you meet their friends or don’t put pictures of you on social media.

STEP 5. THE MEET-CUTE

OK, so you can’t exactly plot this one out. A “meet-cute” is that moment in the rom-com when the two love interests are in the same place at the same time for the first time. The inciting incident.

Spontaneity is the hallmark of a meet-cute. However, there’s no rule against putting yourself in places where the meet cute is more likely to happen. For instance:

• the cafeteria
• a street fair
• comic book stores
• message boards
• the library
• coffee shops
• group hangs (also known by their much scarier title, parties)

Avoid This Trope: Pretending to Be Someone You’re Not

Lying is not the way into anyone’s heart. Besides being rude, it sets you on a road that can only end in failure. When the lie comes out, no matter how well intentioned, the person who was lied to has every right to walk away from you. Being earnest is usually an equally easy way in and rarely blows up in your face.

So, instead of pretending to be a marine biologist, try: “I know you’re a marine biologist. I’d love to know more about that.”

Instead of pretending to like baseball, try: “I get the base system, but what do people in the field even do?”

Instead of pretending to be someone without depression, try: “I have clinical depression, so I’m not as energetic as usual today.”

It’s harder to pretend to be someone else than it is to be great at being you. Who wants to be a mediocre copy when you could be a limited edition? Your authentic self is what draws people to you. Practice loving things unabashedly—whether it’s the media you consume, the topics you geek out about, or the fat body you live in. Confidence begets more confidence.

STEP 6. WE SHOULD HANG OUT

It’s the falling-in-love montage! Love is the roots of friendship blooming into a new plant. So this step is about getting your friendship seeds planted.

When you feel comfortable and safe, it’s time for you and your love interest to be alone together. You’re actively making memories together and discovering your differences. You’re comparing biographies, seeing which of your ideas fit together. Make sure you’re with someone who is as interested in why you’re you as they are in telling you why they’re them. You’re more than just a reflective surface for them to see themselves in.

Avoid This Trope: You’re My Whole Life Now

It’s fun to have fun, but you need downtime. Remember your ensemble cast? They’re still worthy of spending time with you, even if they aren’t in the middle of their own whirlwind romance. Keep up your normal life. See your friends, pet your cat, and maintain your hobbies. All the spheres of your life deserve to engage with you when you’re happy, not just one person. No one appreciates being forgotten when their friend falls in love, only to be remembered when that friend suddenly needs help.

You’re learning to balance, so sometimes you’ll fall over. But learn from the fall.

STEP 7. CONSENT IS SEXY

Not everyone is into sexual activity (Hey, ace friends!), and not everyone is ready for sexy times, but if you are, cool! This step is for you.

We’re all used to that big movie kiss (you know the one, where their mouths don’t seem to quite meet up, but the music is swelling so loudly you don’t notice). But movies are terrible at showing us consent. Kissing people who aren’t expecting it isn’t swoony, it’s rape-y. Normalize your own use of “May I” or “I would like” in sexual and physical situations, so that you aren’t progressing without establishing consent. With a partner you trust, you can find your nonverbal cues or safe words. Being safe means being communicative.

Also, be courteous of the world around you. Your sex life is a private thing—not because it’s shameful or wrong, but because only the people involved consented to it. Don’t shove it under anyone’s nose.

Avoid This Trope: Too Much Too Soon

No one needs the exact same amount of sexual contact every day. So sometimes, you’re going to find a day when maybe you just don’t wanna. Maybe it’s the first time you try to make out after eating a whole burrito (bad idea). Maybe it’s the millionth time you’ve been with someone, but this time doesn’t feel right. Maybe you were triggered by something sensory and you need a pause while you regain your equilibrium.

You are always, always, always entitled to stop any sexual interaction. You are allowed to say no after you’ve said yes. Your partner might be startled or even upset, but be as clear about your reasons as you can be and firm in your resolve. Even if they threaten you or gaslight you with bullshit ideas like “no one else will want you.” I promise, there will be more than one person who finds you sexually desirable. It’s a big giant world and you’ve got a big giant heart. There will be scores of people who want to costar in your story. The most important thing is that you find someone safe and trustworthy.

Here are some examples of how you can be clear about what you want and need:

• “You did nothing wrong, but I need a moment.”
• “I did not like what was happening, so I need this to be over.”
• “I am so queasy right now. Why did we eat giant burritos first?”

Regardless of the why, you get to stop when needed. And your partner gets to stop as needed. This is not up for debate.

STEP 8. THE BIG FIGHT

Sorry, Fat Babe, but the big fight comes to every relationship someday. The same way you disagree with your besties, siblings, and sometimes the person ahead of you in traffic. You and your love interest are different people with different points of view. So someday you are going to have a disagreement that feels like an earthquake. Maybe it’s a careless word choice or a huge oversight. Either way, you’ll need to retreat to your separate support systems (in split screen and one side is probably playing a game of pickup basketball while discussing the issue).

Presuppose the best of your partner, and understand that few people work out of purely malicious intent (but some people certainly do). Be clear about what your heart needs to heal, whether it’s an apology or acknowledgment of your feelings. No one reads minds. People need to learn before they can know.

Avoid This Trope: Throwing It All Away for Pride

Don’t throw away a relationship rather than compromise. Everyone has deal breakers (like racism, fatphobia, and other hate speech), but be aware when you’re being petulant or arbitrary. Just because you don’t adore their favorite restaurant doesn’t mean you can’t eat there on occasion. If you want people to respect things that are special to you, sometimes you have to respect things that are special to them.

STEP 9. HAPPILY EVER WORKING ON IT

There’s no timeline for relationship milestones, no matter what people try to tell you. You will see people who say “I love you” on the first date and stay married for fifty years. You will see people move in together too soon, too late, or never. You will hear about relationship dynamics that make no sense to you at all.

The only people in your relationship are you and your partner(s). Your relationship will become a quilt of the experiences and expectations you share. Find your mission statement, and let your partner in on it. “I want to find happiness in the small things.” “I want to experience every part of the world.” “I want to be a strong member of my community.” Work toward a common goal together, even if that goal is deeper happiness.

Avoid This Trope: The Curated Couple

Beware becoming the couple who does everything perfectly, especially through the lens of a camera. If all your privacy is public, what’s left to be special? Social media may have its milestone moments (you know them: the black-and-white holding-hands shot, the public-kiss selfie, the pretending to be asleep even though someone had to take the picture), but it’s not real life. Your relationship isn’t a scavenger hunt of clichés. There is so much more to life than clichés. Just like learning to embrace and celebrate your fat body exactly as it is, you can celebrate your relationship sincerely, not the way you think it’s supposed to look. Real milestone moments in relationships—and in life—are the ones that we create, not the ones created for us.

EPILOGUE. WHEN THE ROM GOES OUT OF YOUR COM

Breakups happen, dear hearts. Not everyone gets to lock down their perfect someone on the first (or tenth) try. Be kind to yourself, load up on self-care gear (books, face masks, snacks, music to wallow to), and remember: Tomorrow could be the day your next meet-cute hits. Be ready, Fat Babe.

And remember: You’re the star.

CHRIS DUFFEY

LILY ANDERSON
is the author of The Only Thing Worse Than Me Is You, Not Now Not Ever, and Undead Girl Gang. A former school librarian, she is deeply devoted to Shakespeare, fairy tales, and podcasts. Somewhere in Northern California, she is having strong opinions on musical theater. Find her online at mslilyanderson.com