Black, Fat, Fem: The Weight of a Queen
weight
wāt/
noun
1. a body’s relative mass or the quantity of matter contained by it, giving rise to a downward force; the heaviness of a person or thing.
This conversation that we are going to have is not an easy one. I realize that it is one that you’ve rarely had an opportunity to have, and I think it is time for us to sit down and talk about it.
Yes, my friend, you are, in fact, fat. I know it, you know it, and the world is going to constantly take any opportunity to remind you of it. The hardest part about coming to this realization won’t be the things people say and do to you but your own acceptance of the fact that your journey will be complicated.
Why complicated?
Well, for starters, let’s go beyond the horrific taunts of your classmates or the things you will hear and see on television. Unfortunately, much of the worst abuse that you will see and hear throughout your lifetime will be the things that live inside your own head.
For you, fat will always be a descriptor. A word that someone uses in front of your name to try to define your character and your worth. Someone you know will one day make a joke about your size, and you will recognize in that moment that the word is a descriptor for you, and that descriptor will cause you to go home and look in the mirror and question the worthiness of your existence.
There will forever be something about the word that bothers you. It will be a word that some use to denote the worth of your life experience, and because of that, you will more than likely go to no end to keep redefining yourself. Why? Because you will forever be taught to hate the word. Your body will begin to feel like the enemy, and you will begin to suppress the emotional pain that you bear because you will begin to believe that the pain associated with the word does not count.
Hopelessness will visit you regularly. Some days you will look to the sky and ask, “Why wasn’t I given a faster metabolism?” as people shove unneeded weight-loss tips down your throat. Folks will call you the “funny friend,” which you will learn is code for unattractive, because they see your weight as a problem. You might take on the role as the goofy sidekick because that is what society thinks about fat people.
Our size and the space we take up will forever be a comedic punch line—but this doesn’t mean that you have to laugh along.
You will begin to feel pressured to be someone that you may have never wanted to be, questioning your self-worth. Throughout your life, others will try to equate your weight and your size to the value of your existence. But remember that you can in fact be smart, driven, beautiful, and confident, even in moments when you believe that you are undeserving.
pound·age
poundij/
noun
1. weight, especially when regarded as excessive.
There will be moments in your life when you will be tempted to hand over your power to others based off what they believe to be true about you. One of the ways that this will be done is by folks masking their fatphobia with what you might believe is a true concern for your wellness.
“Well, what about your health?” they will ask you time and time again. A physician you trust. Educators will do it. Friends and family will do it. There will be moments when you may want to give in to fear because at some point in your life, fear will in fact try to control you. Keep in mind that your health is between you and your physician and no one should have agency over how you maintain it.
Fight the urge to begin viewing your body as something separate from yourself. An enemy that you are always at war with.
Some days, you will hate skinny people: the way they look at you and the ways they treat you. You will watch them move through life with a joy that you might envy, only to learn that they, too, are not in control of their existences. There will be moments when said skinny individuals will give you backhanded compliments:
“Oh, you don’t look that big” or “You look so thin today.”
You will be made to feel as if you don’t own your body and that your sole purpose in life is to somehow reclaim the body that you might have lost in wonderland.
Know that your mind and spirit are yours to own and that your body has the right to be centered in between the two.
whole
hōl/
adjective
1. all of; entire.
It is important to understand as you read this that there will be times in your life when it will feel like everything is centered on your size. How you give love; how you receive it. Some days will be easier than others, and some days you will ask yourself, “Why does the world hate me simply because I am larger than others?”
As you begin to think about the meaning of your existence, I want to remind you that being fat doesn’t mean you deserve any less. Being fat does not mean you are less of anything. It means you have carried more, and there is so much more to your life.
Some days, you will feel like you don’t deserve to be loved. That you are not valuable and that you are not entitled to fulfilling moments of life, love, and friendships.
Never let the weight you carry make you feel as if you are not whole.
You don’t need to wait to be skinny to live your life to the fullest. Your weight doesn’t and will never hold you back. Continue to walk and speak in full totality. You are not your size.
Please don’t allow someone to make you feel like there isn’t any value to your voice because of how much space you take up. You deserve everything, if not more, for who you are and what you have been through.
Your existence is not a reflection of your weight.
Your worth is not determined by your poundage.
You have been and will always be whole.
KATIE SIMMONS-BARTH
JONATHAN P. HIGGINS, ED.D
is a Black, fat, femme freelance journalist, speaker, and thought leader who examines the intersections of gender, race, and media. Their work has been featured on sites including Think Progress, Essence, Out magazine, them, Into, and more. They hold a doctorate in educational justice and write regularly about Black LGBTQ+ liberation and what it means to not just survive, but thrive. You can follow them on all social media outlets by using the handle @DoctorJonPaul.