I Wear What I Want ’Cause I Want To
When I was younger all I could think was, When can I be pretty so I can be accepted? Back then pretty meant being skinny. I’d think, Will I ever be a size zero? It seemed like all the girls who wore Abercrombie & Fitch or Hollister all looked the same and smelled the same and were able to get all the hot guys. I thought they had everything. But I also had to wonder: Were these girls really happy, or were they just acting like it?
If only I’d known how beautiful I was when I was younger. It’s true that having supportive parental figures is helpful in building your self-esteem. But parents are not always perfect, and they also have their own insecurities. This is not me saying, “Parents are the worst.” This is just a reminder not to let even an adult judge you for how you look. Most folks project negativity toward someone because they have their own insecurities. Don’t let those impact you.
One thing I wish I could tell myself as a teenager: Things do get better. None of the people who bullied you will matter in ten years. They will never be like you or have the experiences and the joy of being unapologetically you.
As a teenager, I listened to the ghost whispers of me not being good enough. They said, You are NOT SKINNY a.k.a. NOT PRETTY enough to get anything you want. You are FAT. You are NOT HEALTHY. But ultimately it wasn’t my appearance that people fell in love with. In adulthood, I’ve found that it is mainly my energy. My confidence.
Confidence? What does that even mean? How can I be confident? Some people purchase their confidence via material goods like clothes, electronics, jewelry, or makeup. Some perform extremely well academically, and others perform in front of crowds by acting, singing, and playing music. Still others do sports or hang with their friends. But not everyone has to do a particular thing in order to feel confident.
What are some ways I work on my own confidence? I remember looking at my mirror and wondering why I was never good enough. But a new habit I’ve developed over the years is, when looking in the mirror, acknowledging that it’s just another day to conquer! Repeating mantras to yourself is a good practice and one of the first steps you can take toward SELF-LOVE. Try writing in a notebook or diary just to talk about your day—you are expressing yourself, which is awesome! This can be an outlet of some sort and can reduce any inner negativity.
Once in high school, I wore a short denim skort, thinking it would be cute; but then the whole day I felt like everyone was staring at my fat legs. I was hyperaware of my stomach bulging when I sat down. In hindsight I realize no one was looking—no one at all. It was all in my head!
With occasional exceptions like the above, I typically wore baggy pants and T-shirts during my youth. I grew up in a conservative family household and was constantly told to cover up. I didn’t have access to clothing that was cute or fit right. I heard so many negative comments as a teenager, both from family and kids in school: “You shouldn’t wear white, because it makes you look bigger.” Or, “You need to wear longer sleeves to cover up your fat arms.” Or, “Look at those thunder thighs and that full-moon ass.” I absorbed these taunts like a sponge. I digested them until I felt I wasn’t good enough for anyone.
I allowed myself to become mired in insecurity because I was trying so hard to fit in, when what I should have been doing was telling myself how beautiful I was and how much I loved who I’d become. I didn’t need to be like everyone else in order to love myself. Ultimately you hold the only opinion that matters! Don’t try to change yourself in order to be accepted. And if you ever do want change, then you know that change is for you, not anyone else.
I never saw myself as anyone important—that’s not what it was about. Importance and clout are so obsolete. Being genuine and understanding are the most important traits in the journey of self-love. As I reach the end of my twenties, I am the biggest I’ve ever been and by far the happiest I’ve been. Happiness is worth striving for, but it is not directly correlated to size.
I hope my story can help you! Your perceptions won’t change in a blink of an eye, but to change anything, you must first acknowledge and reflect. Take time to be alone, and take moments to admire yourself. You are beautiful the way you are.
Love,
P. S. Kaguya
P. S. Loving myself has been the best thing that has ever happeneds to me. <3
SAVANNA RUEDY
P. S. KAGUYA
is a plus-size curve model and sex-positive influencer and ambassador based in New York City. She has two guinea pigs, loves cute things, and watches cartoons and anime. She also has a background in photography, music, and cosmetology and found her voice by starting a WordPress site, which then progressed into using Instagram. Her self-love journey inspired her and her audience to the point that she pursued modeling full-time, and she is forever fighting and aiming for inclusiveness in the modeling world, NOT ONLY as a model but as a first-generation Korean American.