Can’t Find Your Community? Create Your Own
I didn’t really find the place I fit in until I was thirty.
I realized I was a fat kid at a pretty young age. Schoolkids can be brutal; family members can be thoughtless with their comments. At the time, I felt like being fat meant that I was less than everyone else. That stayed with me, in many ways, until I was much older.
My childhood and teen years weren’t horrible, but there was always this nagging voice in the back of my mind that told me that I wasn’t good enough because of my size. Even with great friends and a loving family, I learned a terrible, false lesson that the mainstream world tries to teach us: Fat people don’t deserve dignity.
I pushed that knowledge down deep inside and continued forward. I was funny, artistic, and loving. I made new friends and read comic books and drew constantly. I knew that I was fat, but that wasn’t all there was to me. Thankfully, my parents reinforced this in their own ways. My mom taught me that being kind, loving, and optimistic is a good way to go through life. That forgiveness goes a long way and that you should love people for their differences, because those things make us great.
My dad taught me tenacity, stubbornness. He taught me never to give up on things I believed in and to look for creative solutions to problems. He also possessed a fiery independent streak, some of which he passed down to me. That trait in particular made me more self-reliant and less apt to ask for help. That independence eventually drove me to create the kind of community I was unable to find when I needed it most.
Even with all those things working in my favor, I couldn’t shake the feelings of worthlessness that seemed to be floating right below the surface. I did my best not to let any of this show. Going through the world as a bigger kid is tough, and at times it felt like there was someone at every corner ready to share a nasty remark or laugh with their friends behind my back. In reality, those situations were few and far between, but they did happen. Maybe it was a random comment from a family member or a fat joke at my expense from someone I barely knew. When they happened, they were devastating—and they stuck with me.
As I moved from my late teens into my early twenties, I started to get a grip on what (I thought) I wanted to do with my life. Radio! I started working for a small broadcasting company, first as in intern, then a DJ, then as marketing manager. I was working with amazing people, learning new things every day. Basically, living my dream. Even though my career was great, in my head, I was still that chubby kid who didn’t measure up. I threw myself into my work. I had friends to hang out with and colleagues who respected me. But I still felt alone. So much of it was a feeling of alienation from people who weren’t physically like me.
My career in radio ended, and I decided I needed to put on my big-boy pants (no pun intended) and find a real job. I took my experience in radio marketing and started helping companies with websites figure out how to get more customers. It was a less adventurous job than being a DJ, but it paid the bills, and I kept doing it for more than a decade.
When I started my marketing office job, there was a dress code. The problem was, I had no idea how to make that work. I had an ill-fitting dress shirt, some pants, and a tie I didn’t know how to tie. I bought some polos and a few more pairs of pants and called it a day. But none of these clothes fit me well, so I didn’t feel good in them. Unsure of what to do about that, I bought bigger, baggier clothes. It seemed like that was the only answer for big guys. But all this did was succeed in hiding me away while making me feel worse about myself. Your style is an extension of your personality. The clothes and accessories you wear can help show the world who you are in a way that you can’t verbally convey. This is just one of the reasons that being able to find clothes in your size that you actually want to wear is so important.
In my teens, style was SO important to me! Yes, even fat teens, and even fat teen boys, care about style. Maybe you’re one of them! I liked wild patterns, interesting fabrics, and bold clothes. Putting thought into my look helped me stand out. It was also one of the ways I pushed back against the idea that I was worth less if I was fat. I wanted people to know that I was funny, friendly, adventurous, and interesting. My clothes helped people understand me in a way that I couldn’t always verbalize. Looking back, I see now that this is probably when I first started to realize that what other people think about you doesn’t matter. How you feel about yourself does.
I came to this realization relatively early. In my experience—doing the work I do—this is kind of unique. I talk to a lot of guys who are significantly older and are just coming to that realization now. Part of it for me was the rebellious streak I got from my dad—he made it clear that being yourself and pushing back against systems and the status quo was positive.
During the radio years, the only clothing requirement was that you actually wear clothes. This meant I wore a lot of band T-shirts and baggy cargo shorts (don’t laugh—it was the early 2000s! We all made mistakes!). Casual and functional was the name of the game. I stopped thinking about what I was wearing and how I felt in it. I was also getting bigger, and knowing that all I had to do was find a T-shirt in the next biggest size was easy and comforting, at least for a while.
When I was twenty-seven, I took a business trip to Washington, D.C. When we had some downtime, a coworker and I went to the White House, since I had never seen it. He took a photo of me at the front fence, and when I saw that photo for the first time, I hated what I saw. My shirt was too tight, and I was obviously uncomfortable. The person I saw in the photo wasn’t who I wanted to be any longer. I didn’t realize it at the time, but that moment is where the idea for Chubstr began.
When I got back from my trip, I knew I needed to find clothes I felt good about wearing. I was living in a smallish town in the Midwest where there weren’t many options for men of any size, let alone a big and tall guy. Still, I wanted to see what I could find, so I headed to the local mall.
For plus-size people, the mall can be fraught with heartache and frustration. I learned this the hard way. I was at a size where sometimes, if I was lucky, I could find something that fit me. Usually, I would leave empty-handed. When I walked into a shop, I could tell in the first thirty seconds how it was going to go. I would head to the back of the store, where the biggest sizes usually resided. If I couldn’t find anything that fit me there, I would usually just leave. Sometimes, I would take a chance with an employee.
You’ve probably seen the look, right? When you walk into a store and the person behind the counter sees you and rolls their eyes. They know there’s nothing there for you, and you know there’s nothing there for you. They don’t understand why you’re even stopping in. Begrudgingly, they come over to help. The exchange usually ends with them saying that the shop doesn’t carry your size. You leave, having gotten no real help and with no alternatives.
This was my life for a few years. Go to the mall, leave without purchasing anything. Try to go to the big-and-tall stores, only to find that the clothes they carried were made for my dad, not for me. Go home with nothing. Every time I did this, my frustration continued to build. I wasn’t finding what I needed, and no one seemed to want to help me out. One day, after leaving the mall yet again with a whole lot of nothing, I decided to do something about it.
I went to the Internet to complain.
It was a spur-of-the-moment decision, starting a style blog. I had played around with personal blogs in the past. They were more of the online diary type, not really something for other people to read and respond to. Technically, when I started this newest blog, it wasn’t really a style blog. It was a place for me to go to call out companies that weren’t carrying clothes in extended sizes, or to complain about how difficult it was to find things I wanted online.
The site that would eventually become Chubstr was originally called Big Boy Fashion. If that doesn’t tell you how little forethought I put into this, nothing else will. I started BBF on Tumblr, because I had seen how vibrant and interesting a community it was at that time. Whatever people were into, you could find it there. Women’s plus-size fashion bloggers were really just starting to come into their own. I saw how unapologetically out there they were, and I loved it. From their amazing looks, to the way they talked about the intersection of fashion and body positivity, I was totally inspired. The problem was, nobody I could find was doing anything like that for men. I wanted to change that.
On Big Boy Fashion, I called out brands that could do better with their plus-size options, and I shared photos of my own looks. My posts would share resources, telling readers where I found the clothes I was wearing, so that they could buy them for themselves. It was fun for me and it was a great way to share my feelings on being overlooked by an entire industry. To my surprise, people started to respond to what I was doing. They were liking my posts and sharing my photos. Better yet, they wanted advice on where to find things in their size, plus they shared their stories and pictures of their own looks that they loved! This was becoming something more important than simply a soapbox. There was a community.
The name Big Boy Fashion wasn’t going to cut it. My experience in marketing told me that I could build something better. That’s basically how Chubstr was born.
Chubstr’s “official” mission statement is “To help people of size find, create, and share their style with the world.” That’s really just one part of it. At its core, Chubstr shows people that they deserve dignity regardless of their size. We do that not just through clothing, but also through interviews with bigger people living interesting lives, through stories about the experiences—good, bad, and ugly—that plus-size people have every day. We try to show the world what it is to be a bigger person in this day and age. That gives my writers and me a lot of area to cover.
Remember how I talked about what style meant to me when I was a teen? It made me feel stronger; it made me push back against all the crap out there that tells us that we’re not good enough. I quickly realized that Chubstr could do the same thing for people. When you see a photo shoot up on the site, you’re seeing photos of plus-size people living their best lives. You’re seeing them in an inspirational light—looking great in clothes that fit them, or out in the world doing something amazing. We’re not seeing things like this on TV, in movies, or in magazines, so I built something that offers what is missing.
The first time I realized that a community like Chubstr could make a difference was when I came across Jimbo Pellegrine. He was a pro surfer who happens to be a big guy. A photographer took photos of Jimbo in action: on his board in the middle of a wave, doing tricks, and just generally blowing minds. At that point, I didn’t even know that it was possible for big guys to surf. I had been told that boards weren’t big enough to hold guys my size, so seeing Jimbo on one changed everything.
I needed to talk to him, to interview him for Chubstr. I tracked him down through social media and reached out. Amazingly, he responded to me and was willing to chat. We talked about how he got started, how he pushed back against people’s preconceived notions of what it means to be a bigger person, and how he had begun teaching other people to surf. He showed me that your size didn’t have to be a limitation, like I had been told all my life.
When the article went up on the site along with the photos, the reaction was overwhelming. People loved the interview, and the photos inspired Chubstr readers just like they did me. This was the kind of thing we wanted to see but just weren’t getting anywhere else. I knew that I was on the right track and that we needed more of this.
Since then, we’ve interviewed or featured actors, activists, an ACLU lawyer, designers, models, and writers. People who are doing great things in the world and who happen to be fat. When we interview these people, we don’t always focus on their size. It’s a thing, but it’s not the only thing.
Chubstr has become more than a blog. We have a team of writers, have launched multiple video series, and even have a shop that offers a curated selection of clothing in sizes XL and up. The longer I do this, the more opportunities I see to offer our community the things that nobody else is doing for them. It’s still amazing to me that this thing I started without much forethought has turned into something that not only helps me, but other people all over the world.
Creating Chubstr allowed me to find what I needed: people who shared my experiences and found the strength to keep moving forward. Every day I’m inspired by the messages we receive and by the people who get something from the work we’re doing. I’ve met amazing people who helped me realize that my size has nothing to do with my value in the world, and that I’m as deserving of love and dignity as anyone else. Now I know I’m not alone or lesser, and that makes all the difference in the world.
Not seeing what you need out there in the world? You don’t need to wait until you’re thirty like I did—go ahead and build it for yourself! You don’t have to create an expansive body positive community. Start smaller and focus on what matters to you. Create a blog or get on social media and join the conversation. Visit Chubstr or look up the work of the other creators in this book. Chances are, you’ll be welcomed into the community and you’ll make some new friends. Look for real-world experiences to connect with body positive events in your area. They’re more common than you might think.
If you still can’t find an existing group, you can harness the power of the Internet to start one of your own. Create a meet up or an event for plus-size teens that feels right for you. Don’t worry if it takes a while to catch on. Great things can take time.
The bottom line is, your size doesn’t dictate your worth. You deserve respect. You are awesome right now, today, as you are. Don’t let anybody tell you different.
MARISA CATT
BRUCE STURGELL
is the founder of Chubstr.com, a fashion and lifestyle website for plus-size men. Chubstr.com helps people find, create, and share their masculine style with the world through articles, interviews, guides, and photo shoots featuring plus-size people. Get it all at the website or on Instagram @chubstr.