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I pulled up to the airport and managed to find a spot amongst the chaos of drop-offs and pickups. I usually parked and walked into the airport, waiting until the absolute last second to say goodbye to Parker, but things were different now.
“I guess this is it.” Parker’s hand hovered over the car door handle. He opened the door, and the weight of everything crushed my chest. I hated goodbyes. I hated this goodbye. The finality of it was heart-wrenching.
“Keep in touch?” I questioned, clutching the steering wheel between my hands.
“Yeah. Take care of yourself, Rainey.”
“Keep your head down.”
“I always do.” And with a slam of the door, my husband of the past eight years was gone. I watched him walk away, torturing myself until the absolute last second. I felt like I was losing pieces of myself with each step he took. I’d been wrapped up in him since I was seventeen years old, and now I had to figure out who the hell I was without him. I had no fucking clue.
A slap on my window startled me.
“Move along, please.” An annoying security guard glared at me through the window. I smiled sweetly and pulled away from the curb, away from everything I’d ever known.
***
I was weak when I wanted to be strong. I was soft when I wanted to be fierce. I never knew when an episode would hit me. When all the things I had to be happy for would melt away like snow in the summer. Today was one of the days where nothing could bring me out of the slump.
After leaving the airport, I tried to call Ava, and it went straight to voice mail. That started the downward spiral that was my day.
My own expectations hurt me. The expectation that I was going to be loved and married for the rest of my life. That babies, a house, and a dog were in my near future. My own expectations ruined me.
Maybe that’s why things were easier for those who just flew through life never expecting anything. But I threw myself into life and felt that if I put my all into everything I did, that there was no way life could screw me over. Well, I was wrong.
The thing with depression was that it could be crippling. It’s just not something that lingers in your brain, you could feel in your bones, throughout your skin. It traveled and showed no mercy when it took over. It turned every positive thing in your life into a disaster. It made you forget about everyone who loved and cared for you. It ruined you from the inside out.
I clung to my wet clothes as I sat in the shower; the water had turned cold forever ago. I couldn’t even undress. I was numb. In a daze that I couldn’t get out of. I’d thought I had myself together, that I accepted everything that was happening. I signed the damn divorce papers. I sat in therapy sessions and felt happy.
Depression showed no mercy.
“Rainey? Are you in here? I tried to call you. Your door was unlocked. I just wanted to make sure you were okay.” I heard Levi’s voice, but I couldn’t move. I was frozen. Unable to find the words to tell him where I was.
“Rainey? Please answer me.” I heard him drop something on the counter, his footsteps getting louder and louder. I heard a knock at the bathroom door. “Rainey. I’m coming in.”
I looked up just as the door to the bathroom opened. I didn’t even care what he saw, because this was me. The real me. I was scared of what lurked in the ocean. I was scared of losing myself again. I hated fucking pepperoni on my pizza. I was lost. I had been for some time.
“Jesus,” Levi mumbled as he snatched the towel down from where it hung. He turned off the water. Wrapping me up, he took me in his arms.
“Stop. You’ll get all wet,” I whispered.
“Shh. Stop worrying about everyone else for a minute and let me take care of you.” I looked up and straight into his blue eyes. He brushed the matted, wet hair away from my face and smiled down at me. “Let me help you.”
I didn’t want to be helped. I wanted to sit here and wallow in my own misery until my limbs were so cold that I couldn’t feel anything. That would be easier than the disappointment that washed over me. But there was something in Levi’s eyes, something in his voice that made the cold water disappear and warmth travel over me.
“Okay,” I agreed.
“Good. Now let’s get you changed and warm, and you can tell me all about what happened.” He stood up from beside me next to the tub. His entire chest was soaked, the shirt he wore clinging to his body.
“I brought pizza.”
My stomach growled at his words. Levi laughed.
“I hope just cheese is okay. I remember you said you didn’t like pepperoni, but I wasn’t sure what you liked.”
Levi helped me out of the tub, and I stopped and stared at him.
“What?” he asked, tilting his head to the side.
I remembered Parker forgetting I hated pepperoni and telling me to pretty much suck it up. It felt awful to have someone who was supposed to know everything about you disregard you. It was something simple, but it still stung.
“You remembered. You listened.” Tears streamed down my face.
“I listen to everything you say, Rainey.” Levi brought me in for a hug, and although he was covered in water, it warmed me.
“I’m sorry he hurt you,” he whispered.
“It wasn’t his fault. It was my own expectations. I expect too much from people.” I wiped away my tears and pulled the towel closer against my body.
The fire in Levi’s eyes startled me. “Stop that. Stop selling yourself short. Your expectations are what they should be. Whatever you want, you need, you desire, you should have. Never expect anything else, and don’t make excuses for what he put you through.”
I had no words after he said that, so I settled for a gentle nod. Levi had come into my life at the worst time. He was seeing me at my worst, and I didn’t know why he was still here. If I were him, I would have run away from the craziness that I was the first day I jumped down his throat. Instead, he pulled me from the depths of my mind and held me when I needed someone the most.
“I’m going to go change. I think Parker left a few things behind in the spare room. You can put something dry on.” I pointed him in the direction he needed to go.
“Thanks.” I watched as he walked down the hall, the wet shirt clinging to his toned back. I took a second to compose myself and get my thoughts as right as I could, and then I went to change.
I opted for something comfortable, a pair of my favorite sweatpants and a T-shirt. Right now, I just wanted to be surrounded by things that were comfortable and didn’t require much effort. My mind was still a bit fuzzy, but Levi had mostly snapped me out of it. At least for now.
I headed into the kitchen to plate the pizza. Levi cleared his throat behind me, and I turned around. He had on a pair of gray sweatpants and a black T-shirt. Huh. I didn’t remember those on Parker. There was something about a man in gray sweatpants. It was like lingerie.
“These are a little big.” Levi spread out his arms and pulled on the waist of the pants.
“Parker’s a muscly guy,” I commented as I turned around and pulled down two plates.
“I’ll still fight him.” Placing the plates on the counter, Levi grinned ear to ear.
That managed to coax a smile out of me. “Let’s eat,” I said.
We sat in silence, eating our pizza. Levi reached over me to grab another slice and grazed my chest with his arm. Nothing could prepare me for how I felt, the excitement that coursed through my body that just minutes before was chilled to the bone. I shivered.
“You’re cold. Want a sweater?” Levi asked.
“I’m fine.” I shoved more pizza in my mouth and tried to focus on anything but what I’d just felt. I was confused, trying to forget my failed marriage, and Levi was here and available. That’s all it was. I need to simmer the hell down before I ruined my life any more than it already was. Our friendship was more important than whatever my libido had in mind. Even if him remembering that I hated pepperoni was sexy as hell.
