10

It was evening when they wheeled her back to the infirmary from yet another scan.

Mum sat by the bed, waiting for her. “Hi, sweetheart,” she said. “You OK?”

“I guess so.”

“I can get you some dinner if you want.”

Lou shook her head. Just the thought of food made her stomach turn itself in knots. Part of her knew that was down to hunger, but the other part of her wasn’t going to risk eating just in case. “No thanks. I’m more tired than hungry.”

“You need to eat.”

Lou tilted her head. “I’ll be sick if I do, which is kind of a waste of food. I have something for you.” She pointed. “That package next to the unit there.”

Mum picked it up. “This one?”

Lou nodded. Perhaps this would get Mum off the food kick. She watched as Mum opened it. “I made it on the boat on the journey here.”

Mum’s eyes glistened as she gazed at the cross-stitch picture of the white horses on the beach. “Oh, sweetheart…”

“I wanted you to have it.”

“Thank you.” Mum put the picture on the table and hugged her. “I love it. I shall hang it in my room.”

Lou hugged her back and leaned against the pillows as Mum released her from the hug. “Is Jack back yet?”

“No, how did you know he was gone?”

“Window faces the runway. When’s he due back?”

“Tomorrow morning. Why?”

Lou shrugged. “No reason. Just wondered.”

Mum studied her for a moment. Whatever she was working up to saying wasn’t going to be good. “Dr. Andrews wants you to talk to one of the counselors they have here.”

“I already told her no.”

“Lou, she’s worried about you. So am I. I’ve read the logbook you and Jim kept.”

“That’s more than I have.” Lou looked down at the covers. That meant everyone would have read it. Including her backwards entries, because there wasn’t going to be a shortage of mirrors here.

Mum sighed. “You’re like a different person now. You willingly risked your life in June for three people you didn’t know. Your log entries read fluently. You sound happy, full of life and love and vitality. Then after the shark it all changes.”

“That’s because everything did change. Life did a huge U-turn. Nothing was the same after that.”

Mum frowned, as if she wasn’t sure how to broach the subject. “Lou, love, it sounds like you were really sick. Did you really want to stay behind?”

“Yes. If you read the logs, then you know I’m dying. The others didn’t need to see that. And you wouldn’t want me back just to lose me again. It was better for everyone if I stayed behind with Deefer.”

“That’s why you need to talk to someone. Just like all the others have done already. You’ve been through a lot.”

“I don’t need a shrink. How many times do I have to say it?”

“I’m not saying you do, but you need—”

“What I need are painkillers that actually work. I’m tired of the pain. And I wish my leg would stop itching for just five seconds. I just want it to go away. I want everything to go away. I wanna be left alone.”

Mum smiled faintly. “That’s my girl, always cranky when she’s hurting. OK, love. I’ll come back and see you tomorrow.” She got up and kissed Lou’s forehead. “Night, love.”

“Night, Mum.”

Mum picked up the picture. She paused at the doorway. “Lou, love, you’re not dying.” She headed out of the room.

“Yes, I am,” Lou whispered. “Mafuso said so and no doctor has said otherwise.” She turned her head to face the wall and closed her eyes. If only her foot would stop itching for a few minutes, it’d help.