“What did you tell him?” I asked Lexi since she was the only one talking.
“Mike told him to leave. He said he just wanted to help you out and have a chance to talk to you. Brady stepped up and told him the guys would handle moving you and that you didn’t want to talk to him.”
I nodded. I couldn’t see him. I didn’t want to. That’s what I told myself.
“Did he say anything else?”
Lexi hesitated. She looked at the others and no one spoke. “What did he say?” I knew there was something otherwise they wouldn’t all look so uncomfortable.
Connor finally stepped up and wrapped his arms around me. Of all the men in my friends lives, Connor was the one I felt the most comfortable with. When Connor was dating Riley he learned how much she loved my cupcakes and camped out at Bite Me! learning everything he could about what she liked. We’d become friends. Good friends.
“He said he loves you and that he’s not giving up, Charles. I hate to say this, but I could see it in his eyes how much he cares. Guys don’t talk about shit like that, but he was ready to bare his soul to us. His eyes were red and he looked like hell. I know you’re hurt, babe, and I know you’re mad, but one of these days I think you need to talk to him.”
I shook my head against Connor’s chest. “I don’t want to talk to him Connor. Nothing he says can make it better. He betrayed my trust. He’s been keeping something huge from me for a month. How do I forgive that?”
Connor squeezed me tighter. “I don’t know, babe. What I do know is he loves you and you love him. Sometimes that’s all you need.”
I pulled away from Connor so I could look at him. Everyone else had left us alone in the kitchen, disappearing while we talked. “Don’t you need trust though? Would you and Riles be together if you couldn’t trust her?”
“No, of course not. Trust matters. It’s everything, but I also believe if you love someone, truly love them, then you don’t deceive that person intentionally to hurt them. Max might have kept the truth from you, he didn’t tell you everything he should have, but maybe it wasn’t as bad as you think.”
I shrugged and ran my hands through my hair. I couldn’t see past forgiving Max. Imagining letting it go was impossible. Almost as impossible as imagining my life without Max in it.
“Does it matter? He lied, repeatedly, for a month. Does it matter why?”
“Only you can answer that question. I can’t tell you that. This is your relationship, not mine, and if you can’t get past it, then you’re the one who’s going to have to live with that.”
I nodded in agreement. Connor was right. I just didn’t know the answer. Talking to Max was… I just couldn’t. I knew if I talked to him I would give in.
I went through the motions the rest of the day, directing my friends as they moved me out of my old apartment and Lexi’s guest room and the movers I’d hired to move Bite Me! into my storage unit. When everyone left and it was just me and Lexi and Mike, I collapsed. All I wanted to do was sleep. Or cry.
“What do you guys want for dinner?” Mike asked from the kitchen. Lexi was sitting next to me on the couch.
“Whatever you want, honey,” Lexi answered. “We’re easy.”
Mike let the opening slide, something I knew he would normally have commented on. Living with them for a month was going to be hard because they were going to be walking on eggshells around me. I hated knowing I’d done that to them.
“I can get a hotel, Lex. You guys don’t have to put me up.”
“You’re not going anywhere, Charles. Don’t be crazy. We’re perfectly happy to have you here. Everyone was fighting over where you were going to stay. We all love you.”
I laughed mirthlessly. It was like Max all over again. My friends loved me, but someone else was first. Sure they’d opened their doors to me, but if any one of them had said no, the door would have been slammed shut.
“I think I’m going to go lie down for a little while,” I said. “I didn’t sleep very well last night.”
Lexi nodded, but I could see in her eyes she didn’t believe me. She opened her mouth like she was going to say something, but closed it again and let me walk out of the room.
In the quiet of the guest room I flopped onto the bed. I wanted nothing more than to let loose the tears that were building inside me, but I couldn’t do it. Not with Lexi and Mike in the house. They didn’t need to witness that. I was just going to have to keep it in until they went to work on Monday. Two days. I could do it.
The doorbell rang a little while later. I was unpacking my clothes to fill up the dresser that would be mine for the next month. I heard voices and assumed whatever dinner they’d ordered had arrived. When the voices quieted I closed the last drawer and left the room. Mike was carrying a box. He glanced toward Lexi and she followed his eyes back to me.
“Is that dinner?” I asked.
Lexi was out of her seat before either of them answered. Mike set the box on the island and didn’t meet my eyes. “It’s from Max,” Lexi said. “That was him at the door. He knew you were staying here and brought this for you.”
“What is it?” I asked, as though the box would jump up and bite me. Oh, the irony.
“I don’t know. He wouldn’t tell us. He just asked that we’re careful with it because it’s breakable.”
“I don’t know if I want it.” Max hadn’t ever bought me anything. Part of my wanted to smile that he’d gotten me something, but part of me knew it didn’t make up for everything.
Mike stepped forward and leaned on the other side of the island. “I know you’re hurt right now, Charles. You have the biggest heart of almost anyone I’ve ever met. What he did in inexcusable. I get it. But I don’t want you to regret not giving him another chance.”
“I don’t know if I can, Mike.”
He nodded. “I get it. I do. When I lost Lex I thought I was going to die. I wanted to give up the job. I wanted to quit and kidnap her and move to a remote location where she wouldn’t have a choice but to be with me. When I saw her kissing Luke I almost ripped his fucking head off. I wanted to fire him and kick his ass, but he wasn’t the one to blame. I was. I never told her how I felt about her. I went along with being friends-with-benefits because she wanted it, but it killed me every time I had to leave her or watch her leave me. I ached to hold her all night long, to wake up with her by my side. But I was stupid enough to let other things get in the way. I know Max is feeling the same way right now. I recognized the look on his face from the one I saw in my mirror back then. He’s hurting too, Charles.”
I shrugged. “It’s different though. You put Lex first. You loved her, you just didn’t want to tell her because you knew she’d bolt. Max didn’t put me first. He put his sister first. And I don’t blame him, but I can’t spend my whole life as second best. I told him that too.”
“Maybe that’s why he told you about Abby. Because you’re not second in his life anymore.”
I shook my head as the doorbell rang. “I’ll get the Thai,” Mike said, kissing the side of Lexi’s head as he passed by her.
“I know how you feel, Charles. I was scared too, but-“
“I’m not scared, Lex. I know that’s hard to believe, but I’m not. I was. But before he told me everything I let go of my fears. I decided I was ready to be happy with Max. And for the first time my fears weren’t holding me back, but the same thing happened anyway. He wasn’t ready to put me first.”
Mike came back with the food, depositing bags onto the island. “Let’s eat. After that you can decide if you want to open the box,” Mike suggested.
I nodded.
We all filled plates and carried them into the living room. Mike and Lexi turned on a movie while we ate. When I was done I pushed my plate away, but the box was calling me from the kitchen. I knew I wouldn’t be able to ignore it forever. With the movie still on to distract me, I dug a pair of scissors from a drawer in the kitchen and carried the box to the living room.
Mike and Lexi stopped watching the movie as I sliced through the tape holding the box together. I peeled back the cardboard and found an envelope sitting on top, my name scrawled across the front.
I took a deep breath and opened it.
Charlotte,
I know you love all your customers, but I wanted you to have these mugs for those extra special people in your life. One for each of your best friends, their ‘men’ (as you call them), one for me (hoping I count), and one for Grams, who I know is always with you.
I love you,
Max
The box was heavy and inside was a bunch of tissue paper. I felt through the paper and found something hard. In my hand came out a chunk of paper surrounding something circular. When I unwrapped it I found a coffee mug… with the Bite Me! logo on it.
Tears immediately sprang to my eyes. Again. Of all the mugs I’d collected over the years, I’d never gotten any made with my logo. I wanted to, something I told Max one night when he asked about the mugs. The fact that he remembered and went to the trouble to do it, hurt.
In a good way.
In a bad way.
I turned each mug over in my hand and fought the tears that wanted to drip down my cheeks. Fought and lost.
When the movie was over I washed the mugs and set them on the counter in Lexi and Mike’s kitchen, unable to bring myself to do anything else. A part of me wanted to throw them against the wall, but Max was right… those mugs were for special people. I couldn’t destroy something so wonderful just because I was upset. My friends deserved more.
Even if seeing those mugs every day would remind me of what I’d lost.
The next day Mike opened the door to another package from Max. He didn’t say anything, according to Lexi, just handed over the box and left. Inside was a framed picture of Grams and me, my favorite picture of the two of us. The note said…
Charlotte,
This picture means as much to you as you mean to me. She deserves a place of honor so I framed this so you could see her daily, just like I want to see you. Maybe you can put the picture with Grams’ mug. She was first in your life for a long time, and you’re first in mine. Now and always.
I love you,
Max
Monday Lexi and Mike went back to work, making me nervous about accepting a gift from Max alone. All day I was anxious, waiting for the doorbell to ring. I couldn’t deny that I was disappointed he’d given up so quickly. It had been three days. What did that say about me, or us, that he would be over me and move on that quickly? Three days wasn’t enough for me to get over him. Three years wouldn’t be enough. Three lifetimes probably wouldn’t be enough.
Shortly after Lexi and Mike returned from work the shrill sound of the bell rang through the condo. Mike opened the door to reveal Max. Lexi and I were sitting at the island, in clear view of the door.
It was the first time I’d seen him since I asked him to leave my apartment. Max looked about as good as I felt. His face had more stubble than usual and his eyes were dark-rimmed and sunken in. It looked like he’d barely slept, something I could relate to without even trying.
Max took a step toward me, but Mike held up his hand to stop Max’s progress. I sucked in a breath, undecided if I wanted him to fight to come to me or leave me alone. It didn’t matter though. Max didn’t push it. He handed over the box he held and turned away.
Inside the box was a cupcake display for me to set some cupcakes on top of the display case, another thing I mentioned I wanted one day.
Charlotte,
I guess this isn’t such a personal gift, but Bite Me! is personal. It’s the place we met, it’s the place you pour your heart every day, it’s the place I knew I loved you, it’s the place I want to be every day. Maybe this display can help bring in customers for special events so they can see what beautiful work you do.
I love you,
Max
Tuesday Max showed up with a complete set of sugar and creamer containers with Bite Me! on them.
Charlotte,
For that professional look you said you’re going for. I know how hard you work and that you’ll never buy these for yourself, even though you want them. I hope you enjoy seeing your customers use them, since you never add cream or sugar to your own coffee!
I love you,
Max
Wednesday he handed over a small box, again without a word. When Mike closed the door he passed the box to me. With shaking hands I opened it up. Inside was a beautiful cupcake necklace with pink stones set in as the frosting.
Charlotte,
Do you remember Friday night… in the kitchen… with the pink frosting? I’ll never look at the stuff again without thinking of you. And I’ll never eat it again without wishing it was on you. The pink diamonds are nowhere near as valuable as you are.
I love you,
Max
I didn’t eat dinner that night. I couldn’t sit with Lexi and Mike and pretend I was okay. I was more confused than I’d ever been. I loved him, that hadn’t changed. I didn’t think it ever would, but I couldn’t sit back and let my life happen around me. I couldn’t allow Max to make decisions that would affect me without thinking about how I would react. I couldn’t be a passive part of a relationship.
And letting Max off the hook for not telling me about Abby and SkinnyCakes would tell him I was okay with him keeping secrets from me. And that I was okay with being pushed to the back when it suited him.
I woke up early the next morning as I always did. Even though I had a month off I was still up by four every day. I quietly snuck into the kitchen, feeling a need to bake. I hadn’t done much since I’d moved in with Lexi and Mike, but I couldn’t lose that part of myself too.
I mixed the batter by hand, not wanting to wake Lexi and Mike. When it was just right, I scooped it into the cupcake tin Lexi kept under the oven. I slid the muffins into the warm oven and turned to start a pot of coffee.
As I pulled the pan from the oven I heard footsteps behind me. “You’re up early,” Lexi groaned.
I smiled. “I was trying not to wake you guys up.”
Lexi shook her head. “We get up early too, but usually not for about another 3o minutes. Mike smelled your muffins.”
“They should be cool enough to eat soon.”
“How are you?”
It was a simple enough question, but one I didn’t really know how to answer. “I’m confused.”
“So you’re baking?”
I smiled. “It’s what I do. Maybe if I can bake through all this it’ll make sense to me. I just don’t know if I can get over him lying.”
“How did he lie, Charles?” Lexi asked.
“He didn’t tell me about any of it. I asked him over and over again where she worked and he never told me. Lexi, you know how I feel about being honest.”
Lexi nodded and poured herself a cup of coffee. “I do know how you feel about being honest. That’s why I need to say something.” Lexi took a deep breath and set her mug down. “I didn’t know any of that stuff Mike told you the other day. But even without knowing how Mike was feeling I knew I would have regretted not being with him. I thought the worst of him after my interview. But even thinking he would do something like hand me a job I didn’t deserve, I still wanted him. It hurt because I cared. I think that’s how you’re feeling. You’re hurt. And if you could get past the hurt I think you would realize he did what he did because he didn’t want to lose you.”
“I know he didn’t want to lose me, Lex. But does that make keeping things from me any better?”
Lexi knew there wasn’t anything else she could say. She knew I was right. “Just think about what I said, okay?”
I nodded and Lexi walked back to her bedroom. A little while later she and Mike came into the kitchen. We all ate fresh muffins in relative silence then they left for work, leaving me alone to bake for the day.