‘And you’ve definitely ruled out going to the wedding?’ Miriam squinted through the glass into the darkened aye-aye enclosure of Bristol Zoo’s Twilight World.
‘You’ve asked me that twice already,’ I replied tonelessly. ‘Once when I got home from seeing Eddie on Thursday evening and you called to see how things had gone. And then again just forty-five minutes ago,’ I emphasised, ‘when you and Phoebe picked me up to bring me here.’
‘Oh yes, I’d forgotten.’ She tapped on the glass. ‘You know, I don’t know why we bother with this one. I don’t think there’s even anything in there.’ She tapped again.
‘I don’t think you’re supposed to do that, you know. I’m sure I saw a no tapping sign.’ I glanced pointlessly around the darkened room.
‘Anyway, so long as you’ve definitely, definitely decided against going to the wedding…’
‘Miriam.’
She looked at me. ‘Well, I’m glad you’re not.’ She hesitated. ‘And that you’ve told Eddie that. You have told him that, haven’t you?’
‘For God’s sake. Please stop.’ I lowered my voice to a whispered hiss as a woman next to me turned to listen-in, clearly more interested in our conversation than in the elusive inhabitants of Twilight World. ‘I’m not going. I texted him last night. That’s the end of it. The end of everything. I am no longer remotely attracted to the man, either physically, emotionally or spiritually and he is most definitely not attracted to me. It’s finished.’
‘Great,’ said Miriam, crouching down to speak to Phoebe, who had apparently given up all hope of spotting anything other than tangled branches in the darkness, and was now sitting on the floor, struggling to remove her shoes. ‘Don’t undo those, darling. How about we go through into the light room and see the rats?’ I shuddered at the thought. ‘You love the rats, don’t you? They can run along ropes, can’t they?’
‘Whilst carrying over two hundred communicable diseases,’ I muttered.
Miriam stood up and tutted. ‘I don’t know what your problem is with the rats,’ she said.
‘Me neither. Winston Smith and I are just being silly. Come on, Phoebes,’ I said, taking the latter’s hand and helping her to her feet. ‘Come and show Alice the rats.’
An hour later, and we had seen not only the rats but also the penguins, the gorillas, the lorikeets and the pygmy hippos. Miriam and I were sitting on a blanket on the large lawn near the reptile house, eating our picnic, whilst Phoebe entertained herself by running around barefoot and rolling down the small slope behind us, returning to the blanket occasionally, for a handful of Wotsits or a grape. We had been discussing the differences between prairie dogs and meerkats, when Miriam suddenly changed topic.
‘Thanks so much for coming with us today,’ she said. ‘I know you have better things to do with your Saturday.
I lay back, enjoying the unexpected warmth of the April sunshine on my face. ‘Like going to Tesco’s,’ I smiled.
She looked down at me over her sunglasses. ‘No, like going on a spa day with Sophie and that other interior designer. The woman with the bracelets and the rhyming name.’
I looked up at her, shielding my eyes from the sunlight with my hand. ‘Jane Crane. How do you know about that?’ I asked.
‘Sophie mentioned it. She didn’t know you were coming to the zoo with us.’
‘I didn’t want to go to a spa,’ I said, smiling and closing my eyes. ‘You know how I hate being touched.’ Miriam laughed. ‘And,’ I continued, ‘I would much rather be here in the sunshine with you and Phoebe. I genuinely like the zoo and you two are my perfect excuse to go.’
‘Well, I still think you’re lovely to come with us.’ I thought I heard her voice catch and I turned to look at her. With her eyes hidden behind sunglasses, it was impossible to guess her mood, but my mind returned to her near tears at the recent book group meeting.
I raised myself up onto my elbows. ‘Are you OK?’ I asked.
She pushed her sunglasses back up the bridge of her nose. ‘Yes, I’m fine,’ she said, sounding surprised. ‘Why?’
I shrugged. ‘You just seem a bit flat at the moment. Not quite yourself.’
She turned her head to look over her shoulder towards Phoebe. ‘Do I?’ she sighed. ‘Probably just my age.’
I waited for her to laugh, or at least smile. She did neither.
‘Your age?’ I echoed incredulously. ‘You’re thirty-three, Miriam. Julia Roberts is fifty-five and Jennifer Anniston is over sixty. And look at them.’
‘Julia Roberts is not fifty-five,’ she said quietly, ‘and Jennifer Aniston is mid-forties.’ Once again there was no hint of amusement.
‘Miriam…’
She turned towards me and at last managed a weak smile. ‘Sorry,’ she said. ‘I know I’m not old. I’m young. I just meant that whatever age I am, whatever stage in life I am at, it’s not…’ She removed her glasses and began to clean them on her skirt. ‘I just don’t know where I’m going. Or who I am, for that matter.’ She replaced the glasses and stared directly ahead. ‘I mean, I know I’m a mother and a wife but I don’t want to be defined by my relationship to my family all the time. And what comes next? My days are just running into each other and every one is the same. There’s no plan; no forward thinking. Meanwhile, I’m getting older and,’ she looked down and patted her stomach, ‘fatter, and less attractive and less interesting.’
‘None of that is true.’
‘It’s all true,’ she said quietly. ‘Do you know what I found myself doing yesterday?’
‘What?’
‘Well,’ she bit her lip before continuing, ‘I was packing my bag at the checkout in Sainsbury’s and I suddenly realised that I was trying to beat the cashier.’
I frowned. ‘I don’t understand.’
She sighed. ‘I mean, I was trying to pack my items more quickly than she could scan them. My aim was that I should be waiting for her to scan, rather than her waiting for me to pack.’ She turned towards me. ‘That’s what I see as a challenge these days. That was my challenge for yesterday – to beat the cashier.’ She shook her head and laughed bitterly. ‘Pitiful,’ she murmured.
‘Not at all. I’ve done that before,’ I lied.
She shook her head. ‘That’s not true, Alice.’
‘OK, but,’ I held up a finger, ‘I’m going to do it the very next time I’m in Tesco’s. Sounds like fun.’
She offered me a tired smile. ‘I love Phoebe. I’m so grateful to be a mother but I look at you and you go to work, doing a job you enjoy, working with lovely people and then, at the end of each day, you can do what you like, when you like, with whoever you like. You’re a person in your own right. I, on the other hand, get up, take Phoebe to pre-school, do a few mindless secretarial bits and bobs badly for Craig, pick up Phoebe and then spend the rest of the day shopping, cleaning, attending toddler classes or, if I’m really lucky, having a coffee with other women who are in a similarly miserable situation.’
She was now sitting cross-legged, her head bowed once again, whilst she busily decapitated a pile of dandelions she had collected on her lap. Silence, flippancy or a change of subject were not, I decided, options at this point.
‘But you’re so loved and needed. You’ve got Phoebe and Craig and I—’
‘I wouldn’t be without Phoebe.’ The beheading ceased momentarily. ‘As for Craig…’ She left the sentence hanging and recommenced the floral mutilation.
I forced myself to press the matter. ‘As for Craig what?’ She remained silent. ‘Go on, explain what you meant.’
She shrugged. ‘Nothing. I’m just being silly.’
I touched her arm. ‘Please tell me, or I’ll imagine all sorts of things.’
She lifted her head and addressed the middle distance. ‘Well, you say I’ve got Craig but I don’t feel I have. Quite a lot of the time these days I feel like a single mother.’ She swept the remaining dandelions from her skirt and threw up her hands in a gesture of exasperation. ‘He spends more time with his clients than he does with me.’
‘We both know he loves you and Phoebe so much,’ I sat up and shifted to sit next to her, ‘but you should talk to him about this.’ At that moment, Phoebe returned to the blanket and grabbed yet another handful of Wotsits. I gently pulled her to me and placed her on my lap. ‘Go out for a drink. You know I’m always happy to babysit.’ I kissed the top of Phoebe’s head. ‘You also know how rubbish I am at counselling,’ I added. ‘I’m used to being the one on the receiving end of your words of wisdom but,’ I squeezed her arm, ‘please talk to him.’
With her shades still firmly in place, I was unsure whether to interpret the momentary jutting of her lower lip as emotion, or as a rejection of my advice. Either way, the expression quickly transformed back into a smile, as she stroked Phoebe’s hair, before suddenly rising to her feet and beginning to gather up the remains of the picnic.
‘Anyway,’ she said briskly, ‘that’s enough about me. What I want to know is how things are going with you and Hugh. That’s much more interesting. Abs showed me a picture of him.’ She stopped packing for a moment and looked at me. ‘I had no idea how good-looking he was. He has a gorgeous smile.’
I stifled a groan at the recollection of the torture to come and began to pass the Tupperware. ‘Yes, well, I’m not sure I’ve actually seen him smile yet,’ I said.
‘So,’ Miriam recommenced packing, ‘when are you getting together? Anything arranged?’
‘Yes, I’m seeing him next weekend.’
‘Lovely,’ she said, absently, as she zipped up the cool-bag and began to help Phoebe back on with her shoes and socks. ‘Doing anything nice?’
I mumbled a reply, whilst folding the picnic blanket. Miriam stopped what she was doing and looked up at me. ‘You’re doing what?’
I dropped the blanket, flopped back down onto the grass and put my head in my hands. ‘He’s taking me to a battle re-enactment.’
‘Oh, for goodness sake, stop being so melodramatic. Those kind of events can be very interesting. I watched one in—’
‘No.’ I shook my head. ‘I’m not watching it.’
A slow smile spread across Miriam’s face. She put her hand to her mouth, in what I knew was a physical attempt to prevent laughter. ‘You’re…’ I watched as she took a deep breath and regained control. ‘You’re participating?’
‘Yes,’ I said. ‘I am participating.’
‘In what capacity are you participating?’
‘I don’t know. I’ll find out more this week. But Hugh has my dress size and a costume will be provided.’
‘Oh, Alice.’
‘I know.’
‘And you couldn’t say no?’
‘How could I?’ I sighed heavily. ‘He seems to have gone to an awful lot of trouble. And he’s so unaware – it was as if he was doing me a favour!’
‘Oh my goodness, Alice, that is so…’ She hesitated. ‘…so interesting. Which battle will you be—’
‘Actually, can we talk about something else?’ I put a hand to my forehead. ‘Because I’m trying really hard not to think about it.’
‘Gosh yes, of course, but…’ And at that point, Miriam finally gave in to a fit of the giggles. Phoebe stared at her mother, remaining expressionless for just a moment before sitting down on the grass and laughing along. Confronted by the pair of them, helpless with laughter, I found myself unable to cling to my misery over the battle re-enactment for more than a second or two, before I too was laughing. And, as the three of us sat, happy in the sunshine and leaning against each other for support, I realised that the prospect of a Saturday spent running round a hillside with Hugh did have an upside after all.