Since the external genitalia of the male are indeed external, they are readily available to insult. The delicacy and sensitivity of the genitals are discovered very quickly. In general, subjecting any area to pain will cause a tightening, an internal withdrawal of feeling from that area. This will result in a numbness and desensitization of that area. The testicles especially may be painfully stimulated early on.
Many years ago I was staying with a young couple who had recently had a male child. As often happens with new parents, the discussion turned to changing diapers. The father spoke of how careful he was to clean around the boy’s testicles after a bowel movement so as not to hurt him. The mother said something to the effect, “I don’t worry about that—I just wipe him off.” My thought was, “Of course she’s not careful—she doesn’t have balls.” On later reflection, working with many male clients in the groin region, it occurred to me that most of us were cleaned by our mothers. This could result in an association of hurt testicles and bowel movements and the consequent protection of that area throughout life. This protection (as in other parts of the body that hurt) results in a tightening of the genital/anal region, blocking of feelings, and a resultant “pulling in” of the area. Men will not be aware of the lack of feeling since it starts almost immediately post-birth.
Most mothers (and some fathers) of boys have been extremely defensive when I mentioned this story. They have assured me with indignation that they never hurt their son’s testicles. One male client in his forties said that he wished that his wife would be more sensitive to his balls when she played with them. It hurt. He was afraid to mention this to her because he didn’t want her to stop the foreplay.
Another factor in early life is circumcision. There has been much emotional discussion and biased research on this subject (see next section). There seems to be no question that there is some pain involved. Many studies have been done on how to diminish the pain. Advocates of painless childbirth believe that circumcision counteracts the environment of comfort that they feel is important after birth. In uncircumcised boys the foreskin adheres very tightly to the head (glans) of the penis, and it should not be drawn back until it is normally loosened—from six months to three years of age. Doing so will tear the tissue and create pain. Either source of pain can cause withdrawal of feeling from the penis and subsequent numbness.
There is the irritation of diapers. They can rub on the sensitive head of the penis, especially if the boy has been circumcised. Since the male pelvis is narrow, bulky diapers may cause the legs to be more splayed out in a manner that might lead to bowlegs. When the diapers are not changed often enough the result can be diaper rash, which will produce unpleasant feelings in the genitals and subsequent withdrawal.
Perhaps more damaging to the psyche are the unspoken or indirect messages. These are the feelings or attitudes of the parents. Often, especially in the older generation, there is the unspoken attitude of the anogenital region being “dirty.” This attitude can apply to the body in general.
I do not mean to give mothers a bad rap. Yet, discussions about pelvic problems and attitudes with my male clients and friends most often go back to the mother. The father can also be included in contributing to these problems since he maintains his own rigidities. It can be that the parents are nervous about touching the genital area, especially in a firstborn male child. Natural erections that occur may cause discomfort and upset. The natural tendency for the child to touch his genitals will often result in discipline like slapping of the boy’s hands and saying, “No, no—that’s not nice!”
The concern of sexual abuse by the parents, relatives, or family friends has become more prevalent. It stands to reason that this concern will result in more hesitation about touching the child more intimately. Unfortunately, we may be reverting to less touching in general.
Something I have heard from new mothers of boys is the upset at the “fountain” from the penis when the diaper is removed and air hits the penis. One man related that his family’s favorite story is that he peed in his father’s face when he was a baby. The penis, of course, is covered with haste, accompanied by some negative comments and attitudes. These verbal and nonverbal responses will certainly imprint on the young child and begin subconsciously to create negative feelings about his genitals. In general, these negative attitudes about the pee-pee will be reinforced by the rest of the family, the community, and the culture.
Still more disapproval centers on the anus. Is there anything more satisfying than a good bowel movement at any age if we relax and allow the feeling? When this happens with babies, the response seems to be almost a sigh of contentment. The response from the adult is anything but positive. If someone other than the mother is holding the baby at that time, there will be a hurried “You take him, you take him!” It becomes clear to the child that he has done something wrong. This pleasure must be bad and subconsciously he must cut off feelings. This will be emphasized if the clean-up is rough and angry.
There are the traumas of toilet training, especially if it is forced at too early an age. A few years before she died, a man’s mother proudly told him that he was totally toilet-trained at eight months of age. If she had ever told him that before, he had not registered it. He then remembered his cousin telling him how she had disapproved of his mother disciplining him with a hair brush. He suddenly had a belated understanding of the source of pelvic problems, both physical and sexual, which he had experienced in his life.
Excretion accidents will manifest feelings of shame. What feels natural to the child can cause disgust from others and eventually self-disgust. This is especially true if the child is older. “You are a big boy. This happens only in babies!” Of course, the adult has not responded to the timing of the child’s needs. In the adult, when a man has “shit” in his pants because of a sudden attack of diarrhea or “peed” in his shorts when a place for relief was not available, the self-criticism and embarrassment can be almost overwhelming.
Self-control becomes the issue—control of bodily functions and control of feelings. This is a matter of degree. To live in society, we all require a degree of control. Too much control, however, and we can become automatons. Control is always being right. Control is not letting your feelings influence your life. Control is not letting the joy of life be a goal. Control is not expressing your feelings. Control is being neutral or neuter. Control is not being sensual. Control is lessening the enjoyment of sex. Control is not being aware of or responsive to the feelings of others since you are not aware of your own feelings. Control is always being on an even emotional plane.
The best way to achieve such control is not to feel, to become numb. This can apply to the entire body and is especially true in the anogenital region. Protection begins by pulling in the offending penis and anus. The breath to the area also becomes restricted.
Since the exhale is the relaxing part of the breath, holding residual air in the body may serve as a buffer against pleasurable or unpleasant feelings. Experiencing a more complete exhale can produce feelings of anxiety and vulnerability. This habit pattern of the incomplete exhale can apply even when urinating or having a bowel movement. Pushing happens with the inhale and holding (naturally one must inhale in order to have something to exhale). The exhale will allow the sphincters to relax and the process will be more efficient and pleasant.
When we are sitting on a toilet seat or squatting in the wilderness, real control becomes relaxing and letting go. How many times have we been in a public restroom where the air is filled with sounds of groaning, straining, and horrendous flatulence coming from the toilet stalls? The reaction is to hold the breath and push rather than breathing and allowing the inner sphincter to relax so that the bowel movement can take place easily. Many people into yoga will stand on the seat and crouch to open the anal sphincter more.
Unfortunately, the concept of control in our society is tightening, holding on. In the case of the bowels, it is appropriate to have control in order not to have an “accident.” Holding over too long a time can lead to constipation.
A male flight attendant reported that there is a significantly higher incidence of bladder and urinary tract infections as well as hemorrhoids among his male peers. There can be the factors of rapid change in altitudes, different time zones, and interference of normal sleep patterns. He believed that one problem was the need to refrain from natural eliminations while serving the passengers and again having to wait until the passengers use the toilets after the meals. Such “holding on” on a daily basis could be detrimental to the normal function of the urinary tract and colon.