“Why the long face? What’s the matter?” I asked Lauren, who was sitting on the couch quietly with sad eyes.
“Katie doesn’t want to be my friend anymore.” She rested her face on her hands and sighed.
“That would surprise me.” I put my arm around her for comfort. “Just give her a little time to herself. Sometimes we all need a little alone time.”
Just then, Katie entered the room. “Hi, Lauren. Do you want to do a pony story?”
Lauren jumped up with a wide smile. They hugged and off they went. The world was a happy place again.
What is better than a great relationship, be it with a parent, a child, a spouse, a sibling, a friend, a coworker? Nothing. No career, money, or possessions can equal a true friend. And where is there a better place to grow these relationships than within family? Webster’s Dictionary defines “family” as “a group of people who are related to each other,” which to me means that family can be limitless: related by birth or choice; natural, adopted, or extended. No matter the size, family implies that the people within the group are in some way important to each other or they wouldn’t call each other family.
Camp Grandma, when all is said and done, is about bringing my family—in particular, my grandchildren—together to build deep and lasting relationships. We are by nature social beings, but children are not typically born with the ability to form good relationships. Their early years tend to be self-focused, and learning the skills necessary to build friendships takes time and patience. We all enjoy being understood and accepted for who we are, but this only happens over time. Camp Grandma provides this time to really get to know one another in a safe and trusting environment, over years of being in each other’s company.
At Camp Grandma, building relationships is a priority, not only for me with each of the kids but also with each other as siblings and cousins. With time together they learn to trust and respect one another, as well as to know what is important to each other, which includes their likes and dislikes.
For cousins Lauren and Katie, friendship came easily. They are close in age and share similar interests. They like the same toys: Legos, My Little Pony, Shopkins, and other tiny cute playthings. Neither is particularly interested in dolls. They love going to plays and musical events and can play for hours with stories they make up with their toys, even going so far as to draw up playbills or little books to accompany the story line. Though very different in personality, they complement one another in behavior and sincerely care for each other.
Observing my granddaughters, Lauren is definitely more high energy and socially driven. She is also more physically active. Katie is quieter by nature, tends to be more focused, and is less inclined to change activities as often. She knows she requires downtime to recharge her batteries when she tires of an activity and is learning how to ask for it. Lauren is learning that this is not a reflection on her when Katie needs her quiet time.
I like to give them their space to work out any differences. Small arguments between kids can be good learning experiences. Way back when I was growing up, we never had supervised playdates. We’d go out in the neighborhood and find friends. I remember well those formative years with several friends who lived near my home. We’d ride bikes, put on performances, do all sorts of things together, and, yes, get into tiffs on occasion. It was not unusual for me to leave in a huff, storm into my house, slam the door, and vow to never play with my friend ever again. Then the phone would ring.
“Do you want to come over?”
I know these experiences were valuable. With no one overseeing our behavior, we learned to work it out for ourselves. We learned to forgive and to say we’re sorry. Maybe most importantly, we learned to give and take when resolving our differences. You might say this was an early experience in conflict resolution, a way to find peaceful solutions, which I know has helped me better deal with people throughout my life.
When I was working and managing a real estate office, I was frequently asked to settle commission disputes. Two brokers would walk into my office, usually under duress, and want me to settle their misunderstanding, each hoping I would take a side in their favor. After hearing them out, typically I’d ask them to leave my office and work it out between themselves. I always added, “If you can’t do this, then come back in and I’ll settle it, but I can guarantee neither of you will like my decision,” implying that they wouldn’t get all they wanted. That got their attention, and we rarely had to address the situation again. It’s amazing what we all can do when we know it is up to us to work things out. All it takes is effort and believing you can.
Jack and Jake, on the other hand, are completely different boys without much in common. You would not find them playing together on the playground if they both attended the same school, unlike Katie and Lauren who might find each other because of common interests. Jack is two years older and more social, although he’s more likely to be head down in a video game these days. Jake loves school and is curious about and interested in many varied topics. Yet they have come to appreciate each other and their differences. Jake says Jack is the best video game player and likes Jack’s songs and goofiness. Jack is quick to compliment Jake on any number of his abilities, from boogie boarding to origami designs.
I like that there is no negative competition between them. When they are together there is a sense of comfort, even as they share the same space without saying a word. They accept each other for who they are and are content in each other’s company. I sense a feeling of respect for one another, a critical component of friendship.
Jack validated this for me recently. We were casually talking together, and he started telling me how he felt about his cousin Jake. “Jake and I have a lot more in common than most people think,” he said. “In a way I am a lot like him. We’ve been through many of the same things. I feel connected to him, not just as family. He’s grown a lot, and so have I. He has qualities I wish I had. He’s unaffected by the world’s influences. If a kid calls him a name, he doesn’t react, he just goes along his way. He is a kind soul, wouldn’t hurt anybody. If anyone I know is going to heaven, it’s Jake.”
What Jack expressed was not only complimentary of his cousin but showed incredible insight for a fourteen-year-old. Jack had learned to see past their differences and had come to recognize Jake’s strengths and to appreciate the ways they are alike. Would they have come to this understanding had it not been for Camp Grandma? Maybe. But here they have been able to find common ground, so to speak, sharing in some activities they both like while accepting and respecting their differences. Jack likes to draw and is quite good at it. Jake loves art and likes to see what Jack designs. Both love Legos and are able to build intricate and elaborate pieces. They also build with clay and sculpture with shaving cream (a favorite).
I believe that all four of my grandkids will be there for each other as the years go by. While they know it’s important to me, I believe they’ll grow to appreciate having each other as a resource and maybe even a lifeline. The time at Camp Grandma is already helping develop an identity they all share. They have memories of singing and dancing together, playing games and learning new things, being active and going on outings. Whatever the circumstance, they were in it together.
Since Jack is the oldest, I recently asked him what his fondest memories are of Camp Grandma.
“Mostly you, Grandma. The T-shirts you had made for us. I think of the picture you have of all of us. It’s all good. I think of the social interaction, family, new ways of seeing things around you. It’s like school, but not school. I remember the new experiences.”
I trust they will draw off this history (as well as the times to come) to assist them with new relationships and experiences. They are learning to trust, respect, openly communicate, and appreciate each other both for ways they are alike and for differences as well. What I hope they take away from this is that for lasting friendships, you must be willing to invest time and energy. It will also require compromise and commitment. Building true lasting relationships is not easy, but anything worthwhile seldom is. The good news is that doing it well can last a lifetime.
When I asked the kids why family is important, their responses were varied:
Katie said, “Because they take care of you and get you out of pickles.”
Lauren said, “To have loving people in your life.”
Jack said, “They tolerate your crap.”
Jake said, “Because they get along with each other.”
As for my relationships with them? Each is unique and special, as each child is unique and special. I spend more time with some but miss more time with others. I love how one is so much like me, but I love every bit as much that the others are unlike me. Some are more responsive, others harder to get to know, but I love the challenge. With my grandchildren, I am in the best company. I mean, come on, how bad can the world be if it has your grandchildren in it, right?
Understanding the value of relationships at an early age is a tremendous advantage. We aren’t born knowing how to build great relationships, so the skill to do so has to be learned. By knowing how to develop healthy and positive relationships with others, your grandchildren will have a head start to a life that feels more satisfied, supported, and connected.
• How to get along with others
• How to behave and communicate
• How to value companionship
• How to feel cared for and supported
• How to trust others
• How to need others
• How to accept differences in others
• How to love and be loved
To make the commitment. Be willing to invest in the relationship with your time and attention. Any meaningful relationship takes energy and effort. Ask yourself, What kind of relationship do I want with my grandchildren? Be mindful of your true intentions and then go about making it happen. Be proactive, not reactive. Set a goal to connect every day, week, or month. Build this commitment into your schedule and enjoy the rewards.
Be present with them. From near or far, engage. Be with them in the moment. If you can’t be with them in person, then call or text or write a note or letter. If you live some distance apart, you might send a video of you reading a bedtime story or telling a story about yourself at their age. There’s an app called Story Bug, which gives grandparents and grandchildren the opportunity to read together. However you are able, just connect!
1. Take an interest by getting to know them. In order to build a meaningful and positive relationship you must understand them—know their likes, dislikes, and habits. Ask questions—lots of questions—and then listen, really listen to what they have to say. Take what they say seriously and respond accordingly. Get to know “their story” as you share yours. This validates their individuality, builds understanding, and shows you care.
2. Be real, and don’t be afraid to show your vulnerability. Showing vulnerability is what separates a relationship from an acquaintance. You can keep it at a treetop level or go deeper to build a lifetime bond. This goes hand in hand with being honest and telling them the truth, which builds trust. And by watching you deal with difficulty, they learn by your example how to deal with adversity and develop their own resiliency.
3. Respect them. Most of us were told to respect our elders. But what better way to teach your grandchildren how to respect others than to show them how it feels to be respected? Recognize them as their own person, no matter how big or small. We are all individuals, and the sooner they feel valued for their uniqueness and appreciated for who they are, the better they will be for it.
4. Create memories. Share in activities and common interests or teach them something new (or let them teach you something new). From baking cookies to travel experiences, from fishing to watching their ball game, it really doesn’t matter, as long as you are connecting and experiencing the comfort and joy of being together.
5. Be a cheerleader by acknowledging, complimenting, and praising them when deserved. Look for ways to bolster their self-esteem so they feel seen and their efforts are recognized. Be positive and constructive in your comments, which might help them view the world more optimistically.
Any or as much as you have to give. It’s the quality of your time together that will count the most.
• Don’t expect young children to run up to you with a hug just because you have the title of grandparent. As with any meaningful relationship, their affection and respect must be earned. As the grown-up, it’s up to you to do the work. Your relationship might feel one-sided at first, but in time, your feelings will be reciprocated.
• Don’t feel as a grandparent that to be loved you have to be lax and indulgent. Being firm when appropriate actually shows you care and want what is best for them. Set boundaries and show by example how saying no might be for their own good.
• Developing a relationship with your grandchildren and caring for their needs might actually extend your life! I’ve read that grandparents who are active in the care of their grandchildren live longer than those that don’t by up to five years. As if we needed another reason to be close.
Jack and Jake
