After a couple of summers together, Camp Grandma was in full swing. By now I had taken the business themes of teamwork, public speaking, résumés, business planning, and relationship development and modified them to be age appropriate for my grandkids. With the five-year age difference between the oldest and the youngest, I always want each to gain something from the experience, so I have to be flexible and agile, relating the themes to their level. In addition to our more formal exercises, we journal, write poetry, learn about manners, and of course include one or more of the traditional favorites—crafts, cooking, baking, plays, games, songs—as part of our day. While all of these activities feel like fun, these getting-along-in-the-world themes are at the core of our activities together, each of which carries the value of its corporate counterpart. Yet often simply in the course of a day, the opportunity to explore something else important tends to present itself.
“Who’s this, Grandma?” Lauren asked one day when looking at a picture of my mother near my bed.
“She is your great-grandmother, my mother.”
“Oh, she’s pretty!”
“Yes, she was. Would you like to know about her?” And that started the tradition of talking about ancestors, taking time to learn about our family tree.
Since my parents did not live long enough to know my grandchildren, I figured who better than me to make the introductions. I always loved hearing stories about my heritage and found it meaningful to know on a larger scale where I came from. Clearly my roots didn’t start in California where I was born and neither did my grandchildren’s. Kids start off assuming they are the center of the universe, and helping them understand their lineage is one way they can learn that others came before and others will surely follow. They are not alone. Also, it’s not unusual for personality and character traits to be passed down, so while we’re learning about our ancestors, we might just learn a little about ourselves in the process.
This connection to history and legacy is something of an equalizer between me and my grandkids as well. They see that I had grandparents, too, just as they do. They were surprised to hear that my interest in genealogy started as a child when I had a school project in the sixth grade. I personally interviewed my grandparents, and my nana in California helped me reach out to other distant relatives I never knew I had. She helped me build my family tree, and I have added to it ever since.
They were excited by the idea of an ancestor activity, so I began with my mother. I wanted to keep it simple, so rather than telling her history and putting all four of them to sleep, I decided to pick several small things to know about her that they might actually remember into adulthood.
Toward that end, I considered that people have various learning styles that are most commonly driven by three basic senses: visual, auditory, and kinesthetic. We don’t all learn the same way, and while we can expand by training ourselves to learn by a mix of styles, most of us start off with one or two dominant senses that determine how readily we receive information. Those who are more visual respond to seeing pictures, for example. Others whose dominant sense is auditory do better with sound and hearing. Kinesthetic learners are more physical and tactile, using touch or movement as learning tools. Understanding how we perceive most readily can be very helpful, but which senses are dominant in my grandchildren is still emerging to me. To help develop their senses, I try to use all three styles whenever possible.
To present my mother, I put a favorite photo of her on the table. “Let me introduce you to my mother, Mary. She is your great-grandmother,” I told them. “Doesn’t she have a beautiful smile?” Then we all went out and picked her favorite flower, gardenias (fortunately I grow them and they were in bloom), and we placed them in a vase, also on the table. We passed around the vase so they could smell the fragrance. Afterward, I told them a short story about how she always told the truth because as a very young girl she was caught telling a fib to her mother and had her mouth washed out with soap! She learned the hard way never to tell a lie. We ended our discussion by drawing a picture of gardenias.
In time I want them to know that it was my mother who taught me about unconditional love. Her love was unmatched by any other; she was always selfless, gentle, and giving. My sister says it best: “With Mom, we came before her.” She never let her struggles get in the way of caring for her children. By her example, she taught me the power of love, the purpose of love, and ultimately how to love my family.
The next time we did an ancestor activity, the kids met my father, who was a musician. To introduce him I brought out his picture along with his saxophone from storage to let them touch and handle it. They even tried blowing through it, which they learned wasn’t easy.
I told them a few facts about my dad: “My father was Italian, and his favorite food was spaghetti with red sauce. His favorite color was blue. He always loved a blue sky.” Jack responded, “That’s my favorite color,” and Jake chimed in, “Mine too.” Hearing his music (I had an old recording of it), seeing his picture, and writing down his long, difficult name, Dominic Pasquarelli, cinched the beginning of a connection with him.
Another time they met my grandfather, their great-great-grandfather, Phillippo Pasquarelli, whose story was very interesting to them as he was an immigrant from Italy. We found Italy on the world map and talked about his long voyage across the Atlantic to America. “What did the boat look like, Grandma? What did he eat on the way?”
When I told them he was only seventeen years old, traveling alone as a stowaway and hiding in the bottom of the boat, their eyes opened wide with wonder. I was bombarded with questions then. “What is a stowaway?” “Why didn’t he buy a ticket?” “Where were his mom and dad?”
When they learned that he lived from 1886 till 1982, Jake quickly made the observation that he was alive when the Titanic sank in 1912. (Jake is my date keeper.)
“Well, it’s a good thing he wasn’t on the Titanic, or we wouldn’t be here,” Jack observed.
“He could have been on the Titanic and been a survivor,” Katie suggested.
“I don’t think so,” Jack said. “I think we would have known about it by now.”
Jake confirmed that Phillippo Pasquarelli was not a name on the survivor list (something he personally researched). Glad we got that settled.
There will be many other stories to tell over time as they come to know more about their ancestors. Whenever I tell stories, I try to keep them short and sweet so they can be lasting. I hope that through these shared memories of my parents and my grandparents they may live on in some way. What I’ve learned is that the love behind that hope is not lost on children.
Now Lauren never passes a gardenia without reminding me that it’s my mother Mary’s favorite flower, a loving thing to do, which of course makes me happy too. This is not only passing love and tenderness down from one generation to the next but also giving the newest a chance to offer the same right back to the oldest.
Introducing family members that are no longer living to your grandchildren can be a rewarding experience on many levels. Kids gain a sense of identity when they learn about family history. Learning about their ancestors can be like learning about themselves. They might recognize similar traits and characteristics in family members that are a match to their own.
• That they are connected to history
• That past eras, places (geographies), and cultures were different from their own
• That they are not alone
• An appreciation of family legacy
• How to better understand themselves in comparison to others
To think of an ancestor that you would like your grandchildren to know. Gather pictures, artifacts, and other memorabilia that may help in telling their story.
1. Plan an afternoon with your grandchildren or set aside some time together. Remind them of your relationship with them. “You know that I am your grandmother.” Then ask, “Would you like to meet my grandmother?” (or mother, father, aunt, uncle, sister, and so on).
2. Then show a picture, tell them the person’s name, where he or she lived, and something special or meaningful to you (“I loved my mother’s smile”). Try to include all three primary learning styles: visual (something they can see), auditory (hear), and kinesthetic (touch). For instance, use a picture, a fragrance, maybe make a favorite food they can taste, or how about Grandpa’s old catcher’s mitt and baseball?
3. Suggest they draw a picture reflecting a favorite flower or pet to help reinforce the new information.
In preparation, collecting materials and making notes on your ancestor takes a little time. Engaging them in the story may take only an hour or so. Creating a family tree can be an ongoing project lasting months or even years.
• This is an activity best suited for children once they start school, ages five and older.
• You may also want to start a family tree, filling in the branches together with your grandchildren. There are wonderful templates you can download, print, and use for this purpose.
• From a distance you can still share stories and pictures through the mail and Internet.
• Even though you spend time with your grandchildren, they may not really know much about you. Show them pictures from your youth; share any of your favorites, like color, foods, games, and so on. Believe me, they want to know you too.
Conjuring up the past