“Who can tell me what a reputation is?” I asked the kids at a recent Camp Grandma day.
Now that they are all older, I can introduce more mature concepts and trust we will have a meaningful conversation. By this point I have been doing Camp Grandma for five years. Many of the themes I’ve raised over the years are now being discussed at home with their parents or in school. So I like that I can reinforce the topics and provide a platform where we can freely share perspectives.
They all knew what a reputation is, but it was Katie, age twelve at this point, who nailed it. “It’s what others think of you from observing your behavior.” We went on to talk about how you build a positive reputation, and they all shared.
“Don’t lie.”
“Don’t gossip about your friends.”
“Stay out of jail.”
“Don’t strangle people.” (Art Linkletter was right years ago when he said, “Kids say the darndest things!”)
“Be known for something awesome!”
We discussed the traits of a good reputation, starting with good character. They all contributed to create a long list that included being helpful, grateful, kind, loyal, responsible, trustworthy, and caring. Jack contributed, “With good morals and intentions.” Jake added, “Being wonderful.” I think they got it.
Then I brought out their journals and asked them to write down answers to these questions:
What do you think your reputation is now?
What do you want to be known for?
What can you do to change your reputation?
When they were finished, we went around the table and they shared their answers about themselves and discussed each other’s reputations. It was a lively exchange, clearly showing that they understood the value of a good reputation.
I emphasized that their reputation was actually their most valuable possession and that they needed to maintain and protect it. The topic led us to the Internet. Here I have to compliment moms, dads, and teachers, too, because I was pleased to see that my grandchildren had already been cautioned about how the Internet can hurt a reputation.
Though my grandchildren are now only texting with their friends, it won’t be long before they will be participating in other technologies. I was glad to hear they’d already had a heads-up as to the pitfalls that lie ahead from misuse of social media. Though I didn’t have to deal with this growing up or while raising my own kids, my grandchildren will have to accept that their future posts on Facebook, their tweets, and other Internet exchanges could haunt them forever. They must always be mindful and practice both discretion and restraint.
I suggested they ask themselves, Do I really want the world to see this? Can I really count on a friend to not forward my picture or secret to someone else? What if my parents saw this, or, gulp, Grandma? Though I may feel strongly about something now (like hurt or anger), do I want to take the chance that this could be broadcast out to everyone, defining me like this forever?
Clearly, managing technology will require ongoing effort, not just in protecting your reputation on social media but also in understanding and keeping up with all the new innovations and opportunities available with tech products. I trust my grandchildren will learn to handle it all just fine. They’re already so much better at it than I am.
I must confess that I am frequently challenged by technology. I just learn how to operate one device and a new version comes out, and I have to start all over. My computer breaks down, and I am helplessly out of business until I can get help. I forget my phone when going out and literally feel disconnected from the world.
To say that I struggle with technology is putting it mildly. I have come kicking and screaming into the twenty-first century. I’m old-fashioned; I like the anticipation of letters in the mail. I like the feel and smell of a real book in my hands. I prefer communicating with others face-to-face, both verbally and nonverbally. And I like to feel like I have someone’s full attention when together, without being constantly pinged and buzzed.
Okay, I’ll admit there are elements of technology I have learned to love. I love the convenience of information at my fingertips. I love to Skype with my sister-in-law who lives abroad, feeling as if we are in the same room together. I love my Bluetooth, so I can stay in contact with friends while I drive. I love my smartphone and all it provides in such a compact package, continually amazing me. I also love getting texts from my grandchildren and knowing we are spending the “moment” together. True, I liked when life was simpler, but let’s face it, technology and the digital world are here to stay, so I need to get with the program.
Like a lot of parents and grandparents, I have been concerned about the influence of technology on young lives with both its positive and negative effects. Now that I have a grandchild who’s a teenager, I’m paying more attention. I know his generation is entrenched in technology, and I’m troubled by the loss of human connection. I worry about the risks of social networking and addiction to gaming, not to mention the hours I see lost in deep concentration on a device. I ask, “Why don’t you go outside and play with your friends?” Then I remember kids don’t do that anymore. They have playdates instead. I know his parents, like so many others, have been working with him to set time limits and to find a balance that works for their family. I appreciate their challenge, one my parents never had when I was growing up.
Well, as they say, “If you can’t beat them, join them.” I decided that to stay relevant and closer to my grandchildren as they grow older, I’d better understand how they use technology. So I asked Jack for his help.
Clueless when it comes to video games, I am now the student. He is patiently showing me how they work and bringing me into his world, even introducing me to his online friends (unbelievable!). Katie is getting into the act, too, by teaching me about Minecraft. This should be easy enough to learn, except for my dozing off during her demonstrations. Sigh. “Wake up, Grandma!” she exclaimed. “You missed a good part.” She was so kind to repeat it!
Lauren has discovered apps as well. No matter where we are, at any given moment she informs me of the wait times for attractions at Disneyland. “Guess what, Grandma? There is a 120-minute wait for the Peter Pan ride!” she breathlessly announced while we were shopping one day. Amazing. How did I ever get along without all this before?
Hard as this is for me to digest, it is important to know because it is important to them. If I want them to take an interest in me and my life and to feel needed (as I do by them), then it is only right that I reciprocate.
It’s a given that technology and social media will continue to play a big role in their lives. Keeping it under control will be the challenge. With any luck, I might serve as a counteracting influence to the technological connections. Since I am the last generation of folks not raised with technology, maybe I can keep them from letting technology saturate their lives. I can remind them that online life is not real life and that they need to regularly step away from their devices and experience the physical world. I can encourage them to walk with their eyes looking straight ahead and all around to take in the present moment, embracing the here and now.
I can show them how to interact socially with each other rather than at arm’s length when online through gaming and other social media. I can remind them that if they rely on technological connections they will miss the human connection. I won’t have any trouble saying, “Please put away your technology for the time being. Talk to each other. Sit down and have a face-to-face conversation. Don’t hide behind your electronic screen. Get to really know one another and develop a genuine and caring relationship . . . starting with me.”
I think nature can help too. Certainly nature is a strong antidote to technology. Nature offers the brain a break. Experiencing less stress and a quieter environment gives us a lift, helping us to be more creative, take a breath, contemplate, and let our minds wander. Jack recently told me one of his favorite memories is going to the mountains because he feels peaceful there. That’s a good thing. And though not everyone can visit the mountains, we can encourage our grandchildren to pay better attention to the sky or a flower or a cool breeze.
My hope is that my grandchildren will avoid the addiction to mobile devices that affects so many kids today. At the very least I can help do my part in keeping it all in balance, encouraging them to use their brains in different ways to counter the ever greater demands of the digital world.
“Grandma, I’m bored,” Lauren said one day. “Can I use your iPad?”
“Not now. Why don’t you read a book?”
“I don’t want to ’cause it makes me sleepy in the daytime.”
“Well, I have to admit, it does for me too.”
“So can we play cards?”
“Sure, how about Old Maid?”
“Okay. Can I win?”
“Only if you play the game better than I do.”
And speaking of things that feel beyond our control, here’s one more thing to consider: information overload. Katie says she doesn’t listen to the news. I asked her why and she answered, “Because ignorance is bliss.” Hard to argue with that.
Teaching your grandchildren about the value of reputation can appreciably influence how they mature as adults. Help them understand that creating their own identity is within their control. This, in and of itself, is empowering and ensures they live a life of intention.
• The importance of reputation
• That reputation is the opinion others have of them based on observing their behavior
• That they are in control of their reputation
• How to maintain and protect their reputation
Quiet time to engage in this thoughtful discussion. Provide paper or notebook and pen so you can capture their comments. You might want to prepare for your discussion by writing down several questions for them to answer once you have made your introduction.
1. Start by asking them if they understand the concept of “reputation,” then listen carefully and respond by clarifying and teaching.
2. Explain to your grandchildren that a reputation is “your actions plus what others say about you.”
3. Ask them, “What is your reputation now?”
4. Ask them, “What would you like to be known for?”
5. Then discuss responses.
6. Something else you might like to do is write down the reputations of other family members, or celebrities or sports figures, to get them thinking about positive and negative reputations.
7. Talk about ways to hurt a reputation and how they must be careful with technology.
8. For older children, ask: “Are you your reputation?” “Do you care what others think about you?” “Should we care about our reputation?” Entering into discussions about how a reputation can influence future employment opportunities and meaningful relationships can remind them of the importance of creating a great impression in real life.
At least an hour to begin with, then fifteen minutes or so from time to time to keep the topic top of mind and relevant.
• This exercise works best with grandchildren ages ten and older.
• From a distance, this is certainly a conversation you can have with your grandchildren once you have developed an open and trusting relationship.
• Oh, and you might want to suggest they not brag about themselves: “Show people, don’t tell them.”
