Friends ask me how I got so involved with my grandchildren. I tell them I raised my hand.
I knew I wanted more time with my grandchildren than seeing them on the occasional family visit or special holiday. It was clear to me that to have my own relationship with them would mean spending one-on-one time together, without Mom or Dad. Even when I am not needed to help with childcare, I ask for time with them. Whether it’s for Camp Grandma (my house) or going to a play or another outing, whether it’s with only one or all four grandchildren, being in their company is important to me. So I speak up and request time together. I don’t wait for their parents to ask me.
It’s not easy for today’s parents to ask for help from their parents, other than an occasional babysitting job. Sensitive about imposing, they understand we are living our “golden years” and hesitate to obligate us or tie us down. (We do treasure our independence and protect it at any cost—just ask a senior to give up her driver’s license!) While parents theoretically may prefer the trusted grandparent for childcare, in practical terms they are often more comfortable hiring outside services. They need to be assured of the commitment, and it may seem easier to depend on someone who is paid and needs the job rather than count on volunteer help. In my own family, it took my daughter-in-law a couple of years before she finally realized I was serious about my commitment to help with regular childcare after she went back to work. Careful not to “impose” on me, or anyone for that matter, she tended to take on every responsibility herself. I’m much the same way, so I understood.
She’d say, “If you could help that would be great, but if you’re busy, that’s okay, I’ll manage.”
My response was, “I’ll be there.” And I was—and still am. Eventually she learned I wanted to be there and that I wanted to help. Fortunately, I live close by so that wasn’t an issue. And hopefully by now she understands that this is by choice and a benefit for me too.
I know grandparents who are actually afraid to open the discussion with their children. They don’t want to interfere or imply that the parents can’t do it all themselves. Aware of how busy and active young families are today, they don’t want to get in the way. So there is a good chance that in your world nobody is having the conversation relative to grandparent and grandchildren spending time together. But it’s not too late to change this—to broach the conversation and to see what might be needed.
If spending more time with your grandchildren is important to you, then start the conversation. I think it is the responsibility of the grandparent to help the parents understand this is a choice on your part—an intention, a desire, and a priority to play a loving role in the lives of your grandchildren. Raise your hand and then jump in. You can participate in their lives in some way that works. You might invent something unique to your circumstances. It hardly matters what the activities you choose might be. Your consistent presence and attention to and engagement with the kids is all that counts, and it makes a difference in enriching your life as well as theirs.
Maybe you begin by offering to help fill a need. When both parents work outside the home, they often need an afternoon/evening for themselves or a marriage retreat. Grandparents can (and do) play a major role with childcare and are often more flexible than hired help. Since most of us still drive, we can be of great value offering transportation to and from school and to meet special appointments.
Even if there is not a need, like help with childcare, time together with your grandchildren can be regularly arranged. Plan playdates with your own grandchildren. Invite them for a sleepover or out to lunch, or ask them to accompany you on any number of activities you would both enjoy. Whatever the circumstance, extended family is needed now more than ever, and your involvement would be a welcome gift and a win-win for all. Stepping up is the best way to begin building your own relationship with your grandchildren. Meanwhile, with their children in your trusted care, parents get some much-needed time to focus on other demands. And couldn’t they use a break?
I see the pressure and stress of our society bearing down on today’s parents in the faces of my daughter and son. The pace they keep is incredible. Not only is their generation responsible for raising the children but also for looking after their parents, a generation living longer than ever before.
Born between 1965 and 1984, my offspring and their friends are part of Generation X. Common characteristics include marrying later in life, consequently being older when they have their first child, and coming from smaller, more fractured families. They are also referred to as the “sandwich generation,” feeling pressure from the top (parents) and pressure from below (children).
Many, if not most, are two-income families, with both parents in demanding jobs or professions. More is expected of them at work with technology playing a big part in the demand for performance 24/7. Moms used to go to work because they wanted an outside job or to help their families get ahead. Now it appears two jobs are needed to just stay afloat. Parents today appear to run around with their “hair on fire” much of the time, overwhelmed and overloaded with careers, childcare, and social pressures, not to mention the expectation of always looking “trim and fit” while doing it all!
Even managing their children’s schedules can be a full-time job, balancing the full load of activities, interests, therapies, and sports. Kids don’t “go out and play” in their neighborhoods anymore. Now the parents have to arrange playdates, on top of soccer games, dance classes, music lessons, and more. I’m exhausted even thinking about it. Is it any wonder that finding a livable work-life balance seems like an impossible dream? I have a special appreciation of how difficult it must be for a single parent. One can only hope they have support from family or friends willing to pitch in and contribute. Without help, I have no idea how they do it all.
When I hear other grandparents choosing not to be involved and saying, “I raised mine,” I truly understand and respect their decision. But I contend that times have changed. Life today is different. Our kids aren’t raising their children in the same world we did. So much more is expected. More assistance is required. More support is appreciated. Who better to lend a hand than a grandparent?
A dear friend once told me, “Do the work that only you can do. Figure out what is special about you and consider what you have to contribute.” For me, I know my value as a grandparent. Fortunately, I have the opportunity, ability, and energy to add support. Not to mention, I have the stories, the history, the commitment, and unwavering love to share.
I remember someone saying, “I allow for my children’s success.” I always liked that sentiment. I want to pave the way for my family’s happiness. I believe that everything we teach them, all the lessons they learn, are in an effort to help them find the health, fulfillment, and joy they seek. As models and mentors we can show how this is possible.
This isn’t about “doing” for them. They have to travel their own journey of life, taking personal responsibility, making their own decisions, and suffering through their own mistakes. But I can help provide necessary tools and run interference when appropriate.
And it’s not about “enabling” them. I’m not suggesting shifting accountability or making allowances that shield consequences. It’s more like giving them permission, the green light to be, to dream, and to accomplish. My daughter once remarked that for her, I’m like the song by Bette Midler, “Wind beneath My Wings.” I was flattered by the reference, and I’m happy to help propel and inspire my family to achieve the success they desire.
I understand some families live across the country from each other or are unable to make regular visits for other reasons. As many as 50 percent of grandparents live more than two hundred miles away from their grandchildren; many are still working and view lack of time as a constraint. Health issues can also be a determining factor on how active you can be. Though challenging, these circumstances don’t have to keep a grandparent from being involved in the most important way, through the connection of love.
It’s important to note that Camp Grandma does not have to be an actual physical place. It’s at its core a state of mind, an intention to connect lovingly. It’s an opportunity for grandchildren to come together in hearts and minds with their grandparents to learn and share experience. It exists in the heart, the place of many far-reaching inner connectors.
If you feel there are limiting factors to your ability to have a good effect on your grandchildren and a good experience for yourself, I offer a few suggestions. I have friends who reach out through social media, or they Skype, Face-Time, or text with their grandchildren to stay connected. But they don’t just rely on the new tools of technology. They use the old tools, too, the ones we grew up with, like the phone or letter writing. Maybe you could become pen pals or share books to read, creating your own book club. You might consider learning a new language together and exchange simple dialogue in letters or on the phone. You could write stories to document family heritage and history or start a collection of favorite family recipes.
On your grandchild’s birthday, along with the birthday card, send a picture of yourself at that age. Tell something about you that you recall during that time of your life. Ask for a story or a drawing in return in which your grandchild might tell you about the year just past or what they look forward to in the coming year. You will learn something about each other with each exchange, and if done regularly, these will become building blocks of your growing relationship.
There are lots of innovative ideas on the Internet for long-distance grandparents seeking meaningful ways to connect with their grandchildren, from trading postcards via snail mail to creating your own fantasy sports league. Pick an interest you can share together and invest the time to keep the communication going and your grandchildren emotionally close.
Anyone can build their own Camp Grandma (or Camp Grandpa). Just adapt the activities scattered throughout this book to your own needs and particular style. It may feel like we are in our “last act,” but we can start our “new act” through our involvement with our grandchildren. We all want to feel needed, that we have a purpose. Is there any greater legacy than the one before you? Just look; it’s already there. You created new life in your offspring, and from them has come more. You raised them as best you could, and now they are raising their legacy to the world. You are now in a position to help, influence, and support. That can be very gratifying and rewarding.
At this stage of life, it’s only natural to want to make an imprint, to have an effect and be regarded for your good works. Ultimately, we’d all like to be remembered in a positive and loving way. But how that happens is up to you. There is no one right way to do it. It’s your way. In this book, I’m suggesting a flexible framework within which to build your own Camp Grandma atop a foundation I’ve tested and found tried and true. But again, the content is up to you, based on your own platform and experiences of life.
So I invite you to go on a Camp Grandma adventure, your adventure and one within your reach, adjusted to fit your circumstances. There are children everywhere who need love and attention, and some is better than none, both for the giver and the receiver. There is some way you can begin now on a journey that, at the very least, will be life enhancing. It could turn out to be life changing, if you decide to go all the way as I did and function as a mentor.
Mark Twain is credited with the quote, “The two most important days of your life are the day you were born and the day you find out why.” Grandparents can definitely assist their grandchildren in understanding the why. We might even better understand our whys as well in the process.