Tommy set off to Mr. Hayes’s place with good intentions. First, he wanted to know what the man planned to do in regard to Mama. Even if it turned out he was done spending time with her, it would be helpful if an upstanding professor put in a good word for her current standing in the community, how she was much more than a divorcee with few resources. Mr. Hayes was certainly witness to her being an exemplary mother to a daughter who was slow.
Tommy didn’t allow himself to go too deep into thoughts of Mr. Hayes’s affection for Mama because the result was an immediate pounding in his chest from pain that appeared like spring buds on oak trees—bursting out everywhere. But Tommy admitted he’d been rotten to Mr. Hayes.
His father had disappointed Mama. He’d disappointed them all. They’d all lied to each other. Were any of them trustworthy? But Mr. Hayes. All he’d been was nice.
Despite Tommy’s shortcomings, he gave himself leeway for bad deeds, only stealing when necessary, only being cruel when lashing out from his own pain. Perhaps he ought to lend others the same luxury of their lives splintering and struggling to piece them back together?
Perhaps Mr. Hayes was simply a kind soul, delivered to Mama in her most needy moments, like the couple and the horse, like Leon, like Pearl. The man merely worked the garden and went to meetings with Mama. Meetings that should have resulted in Des Moines being a better place for all who lived there.
Tommy had no resources to draw from to help protect his family except for intangible ones, like a connection to Mr. Hayes or Mrs. Hillis. He’d scribbled a letter to Mrs. Hillis in the post office and sent a letter to her family in Louisiana where she was staying.
Tommy’s mind went to Pearl. He still felt protective of her despite her not really needing him for much other than shelter and the retelling of stories using proper English.
He stomped onto the Drake University campus, hoping that Mr. Hayes had returned from the conference finally. Tommy wove his way to the Hillshire building where the information desk and main offices were housed.
“Mr. Hayes,” Tommy said to the receptionist. “I believe he keeps a room here on campus somewhere.”
The woman pulled one corner of her mouth up as she stared at Tommy. “Your business with him?”
Please be here. For Mama.
“I’m a student.”
“Well, surely you would know he is now Dr. Hayes.”
“Oh yes, of course. I misspoke.” Tommy tried to soften the knifelike words. No one had told him Mr. Hayes had finished and defended his dissertation. He wasn’t even sure if Mama knew. “So he’s back from the conference.”
She adjusted her glasses, studying Tommy, not answering. “Little young to be a student, aren’t you?”
Tommy straightened his shoulders and removed his hat. “Old enough.”
“Well, you’ll need an escort. Only faculty’s permitted in that residence hall alone.”
Tommy was relieved Mr. Hayes was back. He twirled his hand at her, knowing he was being rude. He drew a deep breath, put on his best pitiful puss and leaned into her. Everyone liked to be on the good end of a secret, to help someone they clearly looked up to. “Look. I’m here on church business. I deliver prayers, and I have a handful for the good professor. I didn’t mean to be rude, but I was told it’s dire. And being church business, it’s confidential. Reverend Shaw was explicit.”
She leaned in, her hand at her neck. Tommy could smell the cinnamon tea that sat between them. “Oh no. Well, of course, you were protecting him. You’re a good soul.”
Tommy nodded, straightening, putting his hat back on, unsure whether she was stating a fact or asking a question.
She called a student from a back office to escort Tommy and inside of ten minutes he was standing at Dr. Hayes’s door, pounding on it.
The door opened.
“Dr. Hayes, I hear congratulations are in order. You’re officially a doctor, now.”
Dr. Hayes registered surprise and stepped back from the door. “Come in. Yes. Defended my dissertation a few days back.”
Tommy entered and removed his hat. A single bed was pushed against the wall, a desk at the end of it, and from top to bottom were bookshelves even surrounding the windows. Tommy stepped over a stack to get further inside.
“Is Katherine still growing stronger? I haven’t been by much lately due to my defense and that conference. I dropped a gift for your mother and some broth for Katherine in between my defense presentations. You were out . . . working, probably? How’s everyone?”
Tommy hadn’t heard about this visit or a gift. He fought the habit of being smart with his response. Dr. Hayes had only been kind to Tommy and his family. He needed to at least attempt to be polite if he was going to ask for a favor. “Katherine’s getting better every day. Mama is . . . Well, with Yale gone, it’s hard to celebrate Katherine’s recovery completely.”
“I imagine.”
“Looks like you’re packing.” Tommy glanced at the duffel bag on the bed, unsure that the man cared about Mama and the family that much after all.
“My sister’s ill and can’t care for her children, so I’m headed out again. Not sure how long I’ll be gone, but when I get back, I’ll do whatever your mother needs. In fact, I just delivered the coats she made for Elizabeth Calder to her home.”
“So you’re really leaving.” Tommy was conflicted about this news. Was he finally getting what he wanted? He wondered if Mama could take another someone leaving.
Dr. Hayes closed the door and pushed his hands into his pockets. “I know it’s hard for you, that you’ve been through a lot.”
“Yeah.”
Dr. Hayes pulled out his watch and shoved it back in his pocket. “I want to say this to you, though I hesitate because I’m not at the top of your advisor list.”
Tommy felt ashamed that he’d made that so clear to the man.
“But being a man isn’t fulfilling some big dream or forcing the world to bend in your desired direction. It’s all the little things a man does each day to make his life work, to make it good. Small kindnesses, realizing what he does have even when he’s lost everything. A man can be strong, but not hard-hearted.”
Mrs. Schultz’s words came back to Tommy again.
His eyes began to burn with tears. He wanted to run from what he was hearing. Dr. Hayes’ words were powerful. Tommy told himself to bend so that he wouldn’t break, that he didn’t have to case his heart in plaster. He looked away from Dr. Hayes.
“You are kind, Tommy.”
This made Tommy turn his attention back.
“I see how you are with Pearl and Yale, Katherine, that bird, of all things, Pearl’s pets. Your prayers. Several women mentioned to your mother at a meeting how helpful they were to them.”
Tommy smiled at that, the compliment filling him. He turned and wiped a tear away, pretending to scratch under his eye.
“And I know you love your mother deeply. You’ve made mistakes, but I see your love for her, and I know you want to take care of her. But it’s like you don’t see yourself, your goodness, that you’re already a good man. You’re just trying hard to take some path around what is good about you to do some job—some big thing. You help others and continuously hurt yourself. Just be who you are inside . . . put all of that where people can see it.” Dr. Hayes shrugged.
Tommy couldn’t breathe. He nodded, his throat so tight he couldn’t speak.
Dr. Hayes sighed and pulled the watch out of his pocket again. “I can’t miss this train. Bess is counting on me. Her children are too young to be alone.”
Tommy wanted to thank Dr. Hayes for what he’d just said, for believing such things about him after how awful Tommy had treated him. His mind flew through every rancid interaction.
Dr. Hayes shuffled across the floor and pulled a piece of paper from a box and dipped his pen in ink. “What is it you came for? How can I help?”
Tommy cleared his throat and found his voice. “I wanted to ask you if you could put in a good word for Mama. With every stinking person in town who might care. You have standing that we don’t. I’m sure she’s explained all that.”
Dr. Hayes kept scratching away on the paper. He waved his hand over it to dry it.
“Already did that, Tommy. Spoke to three judges, the newspapers, and sent word to Mrs. Hillis in Louisiana. Not sure any of it can get the job done, though.”
“Thank you for that.” Frustration that this man had no further favors to cash in on or muscle to make something actually happen weighed heavy. But Dr. Hayes had tried. He’d already done everything Tommy came to ask.
“Could you do me a favor, Tommy?”
“Yes.” He was surprised at how easy the response came to him.
“I know it’s hard—”
“My father’s coming back.”
“How soon?”
Tommy looked at the ceiling. What was he doing? Grow up. “He’s not. I don’t know why I said that. I wish, but . . .”
Dr. Hayes exhaled, his eyes conveying sincerity, and for once Tommy didn’t feel mocked or small in Dr. Hayes’s presence. “I can see you understand the world is full of shadows and shades of gray and only the occasional day is spent in full light and sunshine.”
Tommy felt choked by this man’s gentleness. No matter how rude Tommy was, how short or biting his tone, Dr. Hayes treated Tommy with a gentlemanliness that Tommy could only hope to entertain someday. For as hard as it had been watching a man step into Mama’s life, Tommy had to admit he himself hadn’t been there to do what she needed. Somehow Dr. Hayes saw past all the selfish, childish behavior and knew Tommy was good beyond all that.
“Thank you, Dr. Hayes.”
Dr. Hayes looked startled.
“For everything you just said. And I’m sorry for . . . everything.”
He held his hand out. “You’re welcome.”
Tommy shook his hand as a knock came at the door.
The receptionist stood there. “Your carriage is ready. Says he’s got two others with him to drop off, so time to pull foot.”
Dr. Hayes scratched his chin, the stubble sounding like sandpaper. “Can we summon a later carriage? I’d like to stop by the courthouse on my way out.”
She shook her head. “No, sir. If you miss this, you’re not making the train, and there’s not another soon enough to get you to your nieces and nephews in time.”
Dr. Hayes grabbed his suitcase. He and Tommy considered each other, Tommy unsure of what to say next.
“Dr. Hayes,” the receptionist said, stepping into the hall. “The carriage.”
The three started down the hall. “Please take this note to your mama, Tommy. I’ll write as soon as I have everyone at my sister’s managed.”
Tommy took the note and put it into his coat pocket.
They continued down the hall to the stairwell. “Tell your mother she inspired me to make my own prognosticator.” Dr. Hayes droned on and on about how sailors used these storm glasses to predict the weather and that he’d given one to her earlier as a gift, thinking she would love it, seeing how she had such an interest in the weather because of James. When they exited into the lobby, Dr. Hayes stopped. “Your mother is . . . She is like no one I’ve ever met. And I hold her dear and thereby hold you all dear. I—”
“Dr. Hayes, please. The driver’s about to pull away.”
Dr. Hayes gripped Tommy’s shoulder. “The note. It’s important, Tommy. I’m counting on you.” And with that, Tommy felt party both to the final demise of his parents’ marriage and also the bridge to Mama’s survival.
**
Tommy passed the saloon, running so not to be pulled in and hassled about his debt. He wasn’t sure how he’d pay it off for good, but he could chip away at it with steady amounts if he just concentrated on that. At the shed he lurched through the door. Pearl sat at the table. The fire blazed, lighting her shape as she read something.
“He’s home. Tommy’s home,” Frank squawked.
Pearl looked up. “Well, hello, Tommy Arthur. You’re home! ‘Home! How sweet the word is. What a dear little home we will have some day, then there will be no more longing and no more pain for our home, will be an Eden with the love that will fill it’.”
Tommy didn’t know why she was reading aloud to him, sounding like she was doing a performance. He stroked Frank’s beautiful black feathers.
“I found that quote in a very sweet letter from a woman to her future husband.”
He was happy to see Pearl and went to her, swallowing her in his arms. She stiffened, reminding him that they hadn’t been talking since they’d argued. She finally relaxed into his embrace. “Tommy?” She pulled away, a confused look on her face. That was when he saw the letters she must have been referencing, scattered on the table, all addressed from his mother to his father, the ones she used to read that year on the prairie at night, the ones that seemed to hearten her.
“You’re reading my mama’s letters?” Tommy shook his head. “Where’d you get those?”
“In that trunk the Zurchenkos brought when they came.”
Seeing the letters twisted Tommy’s insides. He was letting go of his father, of the idea his family would ever be reunited, but he didn’t expect to see the innards of how his parents’ relationship began scattered all over the shed. Pearl’s gaze flitted to the table. He didn’t want to be mean to her. He controlled his voice as he said, “Shouldn’t be reading folks’ mail. You know it’s against the law.”
She crossed her arms and tapped her foot.
“Like I said prior, once the mail’s delivered and opened, it’s not illegal.” She opened her hands as though pleading. “Reading your ma’s letters, the beautiful, love-filled letters. It’s hopeful to see. Makes me think love is possible. It’s everywhere.”
Tommy was exhausted from nursing Katherine back to health, the heavy guilt about Yale, the final demise of his parents’ marriage. And looking at Pearl trying her best to be better, to be what she thought society wanted, he was suddenly sure he could never be the prince she wanted him to be. He felt it deep as the hurt that started back in 1887.
The idea he might disappoint Pearl was too much. Now was the time to make it clear he was not her future. “You’ll find a good man to marry you, a farmer who won’t expect you to be fancy. He’ll want you in the way you want him, too—simple and plain. People are as people are. Why waste your time with this trying to be different?”
Pearl stood and crossed her arms. “Maybe I don’t need a man at all. Maybe I just want to be a lady for myself. Yer ma ain’t—doesn’t have a husband, and she’s doing fine. Look-it Miss Violet. Works in finance, for goodness’ sake. Look-it what she’s done with yer sister as Dreama. People come from all over the nation for the chance to sit with her. Your sister. And Miss Violet got everyone to know about her. I’m thinkin’, er, thinking I’ll have enough money to go to school this fall. Maybe I’ll be lucky enough for Miss Violet to take me under her wing like she does those other ladies. Just today I spoke to her about it. And she told me to keep cleaning up my language. And she even taught me to walk with a book for my posture.”
Tommy shrugged. He didn’t want Pearl anywhere near Miss Violet’s school, but he thought arguing with her might push her in that direction to prove her point.
Pearl reached for his hand. He stepped toward her, attracted, his body moving without him even giving it permission.
“I just want to be good enough.”
Tommy snatched his hand back. He didn’t ask for whom she wanted to be good enough, and she didn’t say it. Perhaps she knew it as well as he. He would never be the man she thought he was.
“Stop saying that. You are who you are. That’s just . . . It’s good. You’re just fine. You don’t have to keep doing this, Pearl. I’m too tired. Get the idea that my mama is perfect out of your head and you can free yourself from this idea you should be like her.”
Pearl’s mouth slammed shut. Tommy thought he could see her mind winding around what he just said. He knew what was coming next—you don’t think I’m good enough and all that nonsense girls said. He steeled himself for a fight.
“Well, Tommy Arthur. You may not recognize what a wonderful woman yer ma is, but it’s just not right you talkin’, er, talking like this. She is a queen. And if you don’t see it, you don’t deserve her. And the same goes fer me.”
Pearl’s view of things was narrow. There was so much he’d never told her. It wasn’t her fault that she saw Mama the way she did. “Nothing in those letters from Mama to my father tells you the truth, so don’t suppose you know it or her. She pushed my father out of our family. She made it so hard for him to live with us that he had no choice but to leave. He was brokenhearted over James, and he couldn’t do . . . Well, she was cruel to him.”
Tommy chewed on the anger that still sat inside him about the breakup. He’d moved past this, but Pearl brought it all back with the letters and her misunderstandings. “My father came back to us after James died, all buckled over in tears. Can you imagine a man bawling like a baby? Mama humiliated him and divorced him, causing us to scatter hither and yon. She tore us apart. And I—why would you force me to say all of that aloud? I don’t want to think about that anymore. I’m—”
Pearl stomped her foot. “Well she’s here. Your pa ain’t!” Her voice rose, her upset taking away her ability to monitor her proper language choices.
“I know that, Pearl.” He said her name with a growl, with it caught between his teeth.
She swept her arm up. “I don’t care what tales of adventure and woe he pens in them letters of black pearls and Tahiti. If he cared, he’d be here. Like she is. You need to see the truth. You aren’t being the person you can be. You owe a hundred apologies for your behavior.”
Anger gripped him, exhaustion spreading into the anger. Why was she doing this now? “You don’t know everything. I just went to Mr.—no, Doctor Hayes and told him I was sorry. Well, sort of. I thanked him for trying to help with Yale. And now you’re beating me up. Isn’t it enough that Yale’s gone because of us? Can’t it be enough that we have to get her back? Don’t you understand that none of what you’re talking about even matters?”
Pearl looked as if he’d punched her in the belly. Tommy could feel the impact, but he couldn’t take it back.
Her eyes filled with tears even as she pushed her chin at him. “I knew you blamed me. I didn’t mean to let her fall. You said you knew that.”
Tommy swallowed. “I do know. I didn’t mean it that way, not the way it sounded.” He took her hand. “I’m sorry, Pearl, I didn’t mean—”
She snatched her hand away. “You meant it. You have no idea what life is about, Tommy Arthur. You make me look like a college scholar, you dummy.” She ran out of the shed, Fern following on her heels. She pushed through the boxwoods, but then paced back toward him, shaking her finger. “And you meant it, Tommy. You said us, but you meant me. And just so you know, I’m not some pet for you to keep.”
“I know. Please let me... I didn’t mean to . . . let me help you.” He felt as though he was more like his father, or the way his mother saw his father, in that moment than he ever could have imagined. And the sense of awful that came to him turned his stomach. Had his father hurt his mother like he’d just hurt Pearl?
Pearl clenched her jaw and crossed her arms. “Ya don’t know nothin’ at all ’bout help. Rough as I am, I know deep inside I’ve saved you way more than you ever saved me.” She stomped away, the rustling of the hedges filling his ears as she disappeared.
“Pearl!” She didn’t answer or come back. Tommy jogged to the hedges to follow her, but just as he spread the branches to go through, a door slammed in the distance and he stopped. He backed away from the hedges, assessing how he felt, his heart rate slowing, calming. He nodded. Better to let her go. Much as it hurt to see her leave, to hear that she didn’t need him, if she stayed it would be worse when she eventually went her own way, when their relationship crumbled as relationships always did.
Back in the shed he climbed into the loft. He lay there and tossed and turned. Before even realizing it, he would stretch his hand by his side, hoping to feel Fern’s fur against his skin, to catch Pearl’s hand the way he’d done since she’d taken up sleeping there, their fingers laced.
He hadn’t realized how accustomed he’d come to her.
An ache formed in his chest and then pulsed, traveling with his blood. He thought he’d been better, not drinking, not stealing, feeling the power of his prayers, that God existed. What was happening? Why had he been so cruel to Pearl? Maybe he should be a minister. He certainly seemed able to weave a web of malice that the job required.