‘What’s so important that you need me to come shopping, Richard?’ Lucinda asked from the passenger seat as they drove through the country lanes on Saturday morning.
Rich glanced at her, taking in her rosy cheeks and ready smile, and realized that she probably knew already.
‘Well… I thought you’d want to be involved, Mum, seeing as how I’m off to get some things for your grandson.’
Her face contorted and he wasn’t sure if she was about to laugh or cry.
‘That’s wonderful, Rich. Thank you for thinking of me.’
‘I know how you feel about him, and I want you to be part of his life too.’
‘He’s your double, Rich, just like your brother was. When Dean was born, he was…’
Rich waited for her to finish her sentence, but she didn’t, and he knew why.
‘I can’t see it to be honest,’ he said. ‘Luke just looks like… well, like a baby to me. Mostly bald except for some fluff; small nose, big eyes, tiny hands and feet.’
‘Men!’ Lucinda shook her head and huffed. ‘Your father said exactly the same thing.’
‘Typical Dad!’ Rich suppressed a laugh. His mother was a live wire at the best of times, but now that she had a grandchild, he wondered how she’d manage not to pop. ‘Anyway, I’d really like to pick up a few things to take over to Greenacres.’
‘This is very exciting!’
‘It is.’ He nodded, wanting to feel that sense of excitement, but he was still reeling from the shock of finding out he was a father. He hoped that if he embraced it with enthusiasm, it would sink in properly. Since the wake on Monday, he’d felt a bit strange, as though something was missing. Perhaps it was because he had a son but he wasn’t seeing him every day; perhaps it was because Holly was back in Penhallow Sands but they weren’t together, and without her he felt a bit… lost.
‘So…’ His mum opened her bag and pulled out her new smartphone. ‘Where do we start with baby shopping?’
‘What are you doing?’
‘I’m having a look at a few websites, then I’ll make a list to ensure we don’t forget anything.’
‘I only meant a few things, Mum, like some toys, clothes, possibly a highchair for when he’s a bit bigger.’
‘Shush, Richard. Let me decide.’
And shush he did, because he knew that his mother needed this. She had always been a positive force in his life, but her bubbly nature had been dulled by what had happened over twenty years ago. Losing her younger son so tragically had changed her for ever, and Rich missed the woman she’d once been. He’d seen flashes of the mum he’d grown up with emerging now and then, but the grief of losing her child had left her emotionally scarred. Of course, it had impacted upon them all, changed them all irrevocably, so that at times it had seemed as though all hope was gone.
However, with new life came fresh hope. Luke was a sign for them all that love could go on, and love could grow anew. At one point, Rich hadn’t believed it was possible, but every day was a new chance, and now life had given him a surprise in the form of Luke that he wanted to fully appreciate. He just hoped he wouldn’t let his son down.
Rich sipped his coffee and gazed around the café. He’d practically had to beg his mother to stop for refreshments. Lucinda had been like a whirlwind around the shops, giving his credit card, and her own, a thorough battering. He was dreading seeing the bill next month.
But the smile on her face and the excitement flashing in her eyes made it all worthwhile. He just hoped that Holly wasn’t going to be offended by the sheer amount of stuff they had bought for the baby. He was also wondering how his dad would react, seeing as how he hadn’t yet spoken much about the fact that he had a grandchild. Rich suspected Rex was in shock too, and that given time, he’d come round to the idea. Perhaps, though, he was afraid to accept that he was a grandad in case Holly left Penhallow Sands and they lost Luke too. Of course, if she did go back to Exeter, it wasn’t that far, but it wouldn’t be the same as seeing her and the baby every day. And if she met someone else, it would all become a lot more complicated.
‘That’s better!’ his mum exclaimed when she returned from the loo. ‘Thought I was going to have an accident for a moment there.’
He laughed. ‘Too much information, Mum. We could have stopped for a break sooner, you know.’
She settled on the round-backed red leather armchair opposite him and smiled. ‘I know, but I was having so much fun. Ooh, just think, Richard, a new baby in the family. I’m so excited!’
He nodded. ‘I know.’
‘What will you and Holly do now?’ Lucinda asked as she eyed him over her cup.
‘In what way?’
‘Well… it would be nice for Luke to have two parents around.’ She sniffed. ‘For him to have his parents together.’
‘That’s a bit traditional, Mum.’
‘I am traditional, love. I’ve been with your father for over thirty-five years, as well you know. We had our ups and downs – some worse than others – but ultimately, we made it through. People today give up too easily.’
‘Mum… I know you mean well, but this is something I don’t know the answer to. I really hurt Holly last year. I messed up and let her down. Just because we have a baby now doesn’t mean she’s going to want me back.’
Besides which, after everything that had happened, he didn’t know if that would be the right thing for Holly, Luke or himself.
‘I know, love, but you could at least give it some consideration. For Luke’s sake as much as yours. I know you still love her.’
He gripped his mug tightly. He did still care about Holly, he couldn’t deny that, but he was afraid that he was in danger of confusing his feelings for her with something bigger. He hadn’t felt that he could commit to her last year and had run off like a coward instead of staying around to face the music. If he rushed into something again, even after he’d learnt how to deal with his anxiety and his racing mind, then he could end up right back where he was before.
‘She’s a lovely person, from a good family. She’s clearly a great mum. Just give it some thought.’
‘Yes, Mum.’ Sometimes it was easier to agree with Lucinda than to try to reason with her.
‘I can’t wait to see the baby again. Do you think she’ll let me visit him soon?’
‘I’m sure she will, but we must be careful not to overcrowd them or impose ourselves. This needs to be handled carefully. Holly’s grieving for her grandpa and trying to settle in at Greenacres. I’m going over for lunch tomorrow, so I’ll speak to her about it then.’
‘Thank you.’
They finished their drinks in silence, exhausted by their shopping and lost in their thoughts. Rich was glad of the chance to be still, to catch his breath. When he did meet his mum’s eyes again, he was surprised to see that they were full of tears.
‘Hey, what is it?’
She waved a hand, her signal to him not to fuss, that she’d be okay in a bit.
‘Sorry, love, it all welled up in me then. I think… I need to go and see Dean.’
‘What, now?’
‘Yes, love.’
Rich nodded. He wasn’t surprised really, had almost been expecting it.
‘Okay, we’ll stop off on the way home.’
When Holly opened her eyes, it took her a few moments to register where she was. She’d returned from a walk around the vineyard feeling exhausted, so had eaten a light lunch with Granny and her dad, then taken Luke up for his nap. She’d lain on the bed and watched him for a bit as he babbled to himself before dropping off to sleep, then she’d done some research on her phone about setting up a website for the shop.
She must have fallen asleep too, because the light in the room had changed and was no longer early-afternoon bright. She slid her legs over the edge of the bed and stretched, then stood up. Luke was still sleeping, so she grabbed the monitor and padded from the room and down the stairs.
She made a coffee, then opened the back door. The air was cool on her face and she shivered in her T-shirt. She should’ve picked up a cardigan, but she didn’t want to go back upstairs and disturb Luke, so instead she fetched one of the blankets from the cupboard, then went outside and sat on the bench.
From this point, the land seemed endless. It was bright with spring hope at the moment, but that would soon give way to summer, then the autumn harvest. Holly had always enjoyed watching the seasons change at Greenacres. It was comforting, solid and reassuring. They would continue to change whatever happened to her or her family. This land would be here long after she had gone, and perhaps one of her descendants would be running the vineyard then.
Or would they? If things were looking as gloomy as her dad seemed to think, then one day soon the vineyard might well close, the land sold to developers and turned into housing estates. The beautiful rich earth could be marred with concrete, the area heavily populated, and in a matter of decades, it would be unrecognisable. The thought was heartbreaking. She’d seen it happen before, to local farms and to other vineyards along the Cornish coast, and it had made her shiver. But she’d never thought it could happen here. Grandpa had been so certain that he’d never sell the vineyard, that it would continue to thrive and that it would be Holly’s future and there for her children too.
But Grandpa was gone, and with him his determination, as well as his refusal to see the truth of the matter. Without some serious planning, the vineyard might not continue to be a viable business. Holly covered her mouth and blinked hard. If she left and returned to Exeter, she’d be turning her back on this life, taking it away from her son. She couldn’t do that to him. He might not want to run the family business when he was older, but if it wasn’t here, he wouldn’t even have that option.
She wrapped her hands around her mug. There were ways to make money, to help the vineyard thrive without surrendering any of the land. She’d go inside and get her dad’s laptop, then make a start on that website immediately. She’d made some notes about what to include and had got some good ideas from her research, so now was as good a time as any.
Rich parked in the church car park and got out. Apart from Holly’s grandpa’s funeral, he hadn’t been here in years. He hadn’t been able to face it but had known when he returned recently that he’d have to make the trip at some point. It was inevitable. Perhaps coming here with his mum was how it was meant to be.
He walked around the car and helped her out – it was her car, but she liked him to drive it when they went out so she could check her phone, and anyway she’d been a bit emotional after their shopping trip – then they made their way through the gates and around to the back of the church. The original graveyard dated back over two hundred years, but it had been extended to allow for more recent burials. His mum slid her arm through his and he looked at her. She’d blanched and was clutching her other hand to her chest. He wished he could reassure her, tell her that it was okay, but the words were trapped in his throat.
They took the winding path, then veered left. And there it was. Exactly the same as it had been twenty years earlier. The earth seemed to shift under him as they stood there, and he gripped his mum’s arm tighter, sucking in shallow breaths to try to stabilize himself. Then, as if by magic, he heard the mantra the counsellor in Ibiza had used to help him deal with the anxiety attacks: Feel the fear and do it anyway.
He closed his eyes and repeated the words, letting them swirl around in his head then flood through his core and his limbs, loosening the tension until it evaporated and was swept away on the breeze.
Death was inevitable, he told himself. Not so early for most, thank goodness, but it was an unavoidable part of the human condition. He couldn’t live his life in fear.
Not any more.
He felt to blame for what had happened to Dean and for how his parents had suffered. If it hadn’t been for Rich, Dean would still be here, a grown man, possibly with a family of his own. Rich had wished thousands of times that he could turn the clock back; that he could change his mind about heading out into the sea, that he could persuade Dean not to follow him as he always had done. Letting go of that yearning to change what had happened was so hard. Some days he could rationalize it; other days he couldn’t. Healing was a tough process.
He was learning gradually to treasure every day and to seize life, to enjoy the sensation of the breeze on his face, the bitterness of black coffee, the thrill as he dived into cold water and it caressed his skin. He had a child now, a precious gift, and although he might experience fear, anger and pain, he couldn’t allow them to rule him.
Next to him, his mum sniffed, so he wrapped his arm around her shoulders and pulled her close.
‘I’m here, Mum. I love you.’
She leant on him and her shoulders shook. Lucinda, the woman who had been strong throughout his life, who had refused to show the full extent of her pain or to crumble in front of her family, was now finding strength in him.