Rich sank onto the wicker sofa in the summer house and stared at the cottage.
How had he got it so wrong? Not only had he done the wrong thing by buying the cottage, he’d let Holly believe that he didn’t share her dream of buying it in the first place.
He was an abysmal human being. He felt as though his world had fallen apart, and he deserved it.
Buying the cottage for Holly and Luke was meant to be a way of making amends, of starting again. He’d spoken to Bruce, who had warned him that it might not be the best approach. But he hadn’t wanted to listen, had been convinced that he was doing the right thing by making such a grand gesture. It had been his secret project, and as he’d worked on the cottage and overseen the renovations, he’d smiled at the hope that had filled his heart. Happiness with Holly and Luke had seemed possible at last. Holly had loved the cottage and wanted to start their life together there. He hadn’t been as enthusiastic about it as she had been, but it didn’t mean that he hadn’t wanted to move in with her. He had simply been afraid of not being enough for her, and he’d felt so guilty about living when his brother’s life had been cut tragically short. Holly was right in saying that it was as though Rich wanted to stay in the past, as if he didn’t want to grow up because Dean never would. That guilt had eaten away at him and prevented him from fully committing to Holly and to their future, but now he could see that and he wanted to show her that he was ready to move forward, to devote himself to her.
But she had just walked out of the cottage and, terrifyingly, quite possibly out of his life.
If she went back to Exeter now, he knew his heart would shatter into a thousand pieces.
He buried his face in his hands and tried to shut out the world around him, but he couldn’t push away his pain and fear. They sat on his shoulders like sacks of cement, dragging him down, threatening to suffocate him. He knew he couldn’t allow that to happen; if he sank again, he might not come back up. He had to be positive about things; to salvage what he could from the situation.
He loved Holly, he really did, but if she couldn’t love him the way she used to, then he would simply have to accept that and carry on. He would be a good dad to his son and would do his best to be a friend to Holly. She was a wonderful person and she deserved that, at least.
He wouldn’t wallow in his sadness or feel sorry for himself. He had things to do, a life to live, and he wanted to set a good example to Luke. He had failed his brother and he wouldn’t repeat that by failing his son too.
He knew where he needed to go to speak to someone.
Just the two of them.
It was time to take the final step in his healing process.
Holly reached Greenacres and bent over to try to catch her breath. She’d run most of the way, through the fields and along the gravel paths, and now her lungs were burning and her feet were throbbing, but it was nothing compared to the pain in her heart. She had been unable to outrun that.
Poor Rich! He’d done something wonderful, made a romantic, caring gesture, and Holly had turned her back on him. Fresh tears sprang into her eyes, so she wiped them away and straightened up. She knew why she’d made the decision and it was for the best, but leaving him behind was the most difficult thing she had ever done.
She’d hoped that she’d be able to get up to her room so she could wash her face and calm down before she had to face her dad or Granny, but the back door opened, so she prepared to explain her windswept state and red eyes. When a small grey dog emerged, she realized someone was letting Gelert out. He spotted her immediately and ran to her, bouncing up and down as he sniffed at her legs and hands.
She crouched down to let him say hello properly, and he paused, gazing up at her face, then tilted his head to one side.
‘Hello, boy.’
Holly stroked his head and his soft ears, then opened her arms and hugged him. He sniffed at her ear then gave it a lick.
‘Hey, Gelert, no ear snogs!’ She laughed in spite of her sadness.
He placed his paws on her shoulders and licked her cheeks, cleaning her salty tears away. The sweetness of his gesture made her cry harder, and before she knew it, she was sobbing into his thick fur.
When she finally came up for air, he looked at her knowingly.
‘You’re such a good boy. You know that?’ she asked.
He wagged his tail and gazed right into her eyes, as if he could see down into her soul.
‘There’s no way I can let you go now, is there,’ she whispered, appreciating his reassuring warmth, his willingness to listen without judging. ‘I’m glad you came into my life, Gelert, and I promise to be a good dog-mum to you.’
He gave her cheek another lick, then lay down next to her with his chin on his paws.
‘Life is full of ups and downs, Gelert, and right now I’m not feeling too good. I had to make a decision and I’m not fully certain that it was the right one.’
He shifted to rest his chin on her leg.
‘We have some thinking to do, don’t we?’
Holly ran her hand over Gelert’s fur, taking comfort from his presence and devotion. Whatever happened with Rich and the cottage, she would manage, she would find a way, especially now she had a little canine friend who’d imprinted his paw print on her heart.
Rich parked outside the church and cut the engine. It wasn’t as though this was the first time he’d come here since it had happened, but it was the first time he’d come here convinced that he knew how to put things right. As right as they could be, that was.
He got out of the car, then let himself in through the gate, heading along the path around the building to the graveyard beyond. The breeze had picked up and the swishing of the leaves on the trees reminded him of whispering. The sound kept him moving forward. He’d learnt to live in the moment, to listen to his gut and the world around him, and right now everything was telling him that this was what he had to do.
He passed rows of graves, including that of Holly’s grandpa. He ran his eyes over the headstones but didn’t allow himself to digest the words, not wanting to allow other people’s loss into his heart. Everyone lost loved ones, it was part of life, but you had to go on. The alternative was giving up, pretending to live but in reality drifting in a haze of pain. Rich had done that, but not any longer. His self-pity had hurt Holly, but it wouldn’t happen again. He would not risk losing his son too.
He stopped at the end of a row, close to the hedge that bordered the graveyard, and lowered his gaze to the grey headstone. How on earth had twenty years passed since his brother had gone? How was it possible that Rich was thirty-four? Time really did wait for no one, and the next twenty years might pass just as quickly, which was why it was important that he used them wisely. In twenty years, his son would be an adult! Dean had not been given the gift of time, so Rich wouldn’t waste another second.
He crouched down in front of the headstone and rested his elbows on his knees, then cleared his throat.
‘Uh… this is difficult.’ A squawk off to his left made him jump, but when he looked up, he saw that it was just a crow taking flight. ‘Hi, Dean.’
He paused, as if waiting for a reply, which he knew was ridiculous because his brother was long gone. He wasn’t even sure that he could remember how his voice had sounded any more, and that saddened him.
‘I… came to say hello. I know it’s been a long time since I spoke to you like this, but I couldn’t face it back then, when it happened, and then time went by and I felt foolish thinking about coming here alone. I was an idiot, and to be honest, I was worried that I would lose it… break down, you know… so instead I carried on and tried to bury my feelings about you and what happened, but it was so hard to do. And as with everything that we try to bury, that we try to avoid dealing with, there’s only so long we can do that before it eats away at us. Losing you ate away at me, Dean. You were my buddy, my little brother, and I let you down. I’m so, so sorry, mate. If I could go back to that day and change how things unfolded, I would do it in a second. I meant to come here sooner after I got back, but I’ve been so busy with work and the cottage and the work up at Greenacres and… with my son.’
He closed his eyes and pictured his brother, his slightly rounded face still carrying the softness of childhood and his smile so wide it could light up a room. Dean had been only a year younger than him and almost the same height, but he was far more innocent. He saw the good in everyone, whereas Rich was more wary. Perhaps it was the big brother thing, the firstborn child’s instinct that meant he’d grown up wanting to protect Dean. But he’d failed at that. Abysmally. He’d let Dean down as badly as it was possible to do.
When he opened his eyes again, a bright red ladybird was crawling along the top of the headstone, going about its business as if it hadn’t a care in the world.
‘Mum and Dad… they miss you every day. Mum says she feels you around, but Dad pulls a face when she says it, as if he’s not convinced. You know Dad… a man of few words. He’s like a closed book most of the time, and I know it’s how he deals with things. Perhaps you are with us… I don’t know; perhaps it’s just Mum’s way of comforting herself. I do wonder what you’d be like now, Dean, and what you’d be doing. Would you be a vet? You were always so good with animals and had so much patience and compassion.
‘You were a much better person than I was. If it had been me who’d… who’d gone… then you would have treated the woman you loved far better than I did, I’m sure of it.’ He gave a rueful laugh. ‘I can’t believe I have a son now. Me! I’m a dad, imagine that, Dean. Holly was pregnant when she left last year and I had no idea. I was always so wrapped up in myself, and now it seems that I’ve lost her for good. I made a grand gesture… bought the cottage for her and Luke, and she turned it down. I’m not surprised, though. I was such an idiot.’ He ran his hands through his hair. ‘I think I’ve always been an idiot.
‘Anyway… bloody hell, I come to speak to you and to tell you how sorry I am, and I end up telling you about my life. A life you don’t get to live. Dean… I’m so sorry I failed you.’
A tear rolled down his cheek and dropped from his chin. His vision blurred, so he rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands.
‘I don’t expect you to forgive me, Dean. I don’t know if you’d be able to even if you could. But I wanted you to know that I’m trying to forgive myself, and I hope you’re okay with that.’
The ladybird suddenly took off, and he watched as it disappeared over the hedge.
If his mum was here now, she’d be telling him that ladybirds were a sign of good luck, and how he could leave his worries behind because happier times were on the way. He shook his head; his mother did have some funny ideas about things.
He stayed there watching as the clouds sailed through the sky, as the light changed and the crows swooped and soared before settling in the trees. The air turned cooler, and goose bumps rose on his skin, but still he stayed, and talked.
It was hours later when he finally stood up, cold and stiff and emotionally drained. He had shared everything with Dean and believed that if his brother could hear him, then he would understand now, because Rich had opened his heart.
As he said his goodbyes, promising to return to visit again soon, he couldn’t help wondering if there was any significance in the ladybird’s presence on the headstone. The thought gave him a glimmer of hope, and he realized that even if it was all superstitious nonsense, simply having that hope was comfort in itself.
Holly descended the stairs carefully. Her head felt woolly, her heart heavy. Her mouth was dry, her tongue furry and her stomach unsettled. If she’d had too much wine last night, she couldn’t have felt worse. She’d got up an hour earlier to make Luke a bottle and change him, and he was still sleeping now, so she hoped to grab a coffee and clear her head before he started to stir again.
The clock in the hallway chimed 6.30. It was still so early. The light in the house was grey, and it was really cold. She wrapped her fluffy dressing gown tighter around her and pushed open the kitchen door, then jumped when she saw that she wasn’t alone.
‘Granny?’ She gently touched the older woman’s shoulder.
‘Hello, love.’
‘Everything all right?’
‘Yes.’ Her granny turned around in her seat. ‘I’m okay, dear. I woke up about half an hour ago and couldn’t drop off again. I felt… cold.’ She wrapped her hands around her mug, and Holly watched as steam rose into the air.
‘I need a coffee too. I didn’t sleep very well.’
‘I was thinking about going to church today.’
‘Oh… right.’
‘I know I don’t go every Sunday, but I thought I could attend the morning service, then go and see your grandpa.’
Holly carried her coffee to the table and sat down. She gazed out of the window at the morning. The clouds looked like cotton candy as the rising sun caressed them, teasing them with the prospect of a new day.
‘Shall I come with you?’
Granny smiled briefly. ‘You could do, dear, although I know it’s not really your thing.’
‘Yes, but I would like to say hello to Grandpa too.’
‘Okay then. Shall we take Luke?’
‘If Dad’s busy, we might have to.’
‘What about Rich? Can’t he have him?’
Holly’s cheeks filled with heat.
‘I… I don’t know.’
‘What’s wrong?’
‘Sorry?’
‘Don’t try to pull the wool over my eyes, Holly. I know there’s something. Come on… tell your old granny.’
Holly sipped her coffee and winced as the hot liquid burnt her lips and tongue.
‘Yesterday, Rich took me somewhere. Dad knew about it, but in all fairness he did try to prepare me without actually telling me exactly what was going on. It was meant to be a good thing – it was a good thing – and yet I couldn’t accept it.’
‘Accept what?’
‘You don’t know?’
Granny shook her head.
‘Well, you know the cottage Rich and I were going to buy…’
‘Plum Tree Cottage?’
‘Yes. Rich bought it and renovated it and made it into a home. It’s exactly how I imagined it would be. It’s been painted and repaired and there are roses around the door and in the garden, and there’s a nursery and a summer house and… it’s just perfect.’
‘He did this for you?’
‘Yes. And for Luke.’
Granny nodded. ‘Sounds like a grand gesture.’
‘It was. It is.’
‘But the problem is?’
Holly exhaled slowly and tried to tame her chaotic thoughts into some sort of order.
‘The problem is that it’s not only about me any more, is it? There’s Luke to consider too, and as much as I wish I could believe that Rich has changed and that he’s certain we’re what he wants… I’m too afraid to take the chance.’
Granny pressed her lips together and nodded. ‘It’s difficult, Holly, I grant you that.’
‘It really is.’
‘How do you feel about Rich now? I mean, after spending more time together and seeing him with Luke, and how good he’s been with… well, with me and your dad?’
‘Confused. He’s a good man, I know that. I don’t think he’d do anything to deliberately hurt our child or me, but last year was awful, Granny. I thought I’d never be able to carry on, then I found out I was expecting and I had to keep going. I’m stronger now… stronger than ever before, and I know that’s because of Luke. I have to go on and make a good life for him and for me. I’m a mum and Luke is my priority.’
‘You are, but you’re also a woman – a human being with needs, hopes and desires. You can’t bury yourself in motherhood and forget who you are or what you want.’
‘I buried myself in loving Rich for years.’
‘Exactly. You are so much more than an addition to someone else. You are you, Holly Dryden – strong, kind, capable, loving, intelligent, brave… I could go on all day.’
‘You’re biased, Granny.’ Holly couldn’t help smiling.
‘Yes, my darling, I am but I also see the truth. At my age there are no blinkers on these eyes. You can be a darned good mum to Luke, but you need to be you too. What does Holly want for herself?’
‘I can’t think that way. I have to put Luke first.’
‘You’re not listening to me. Luke will be happy if his mum is happy. If you’re sad and unfulfilled, he’ll sense it and respond accordingly. What do you want from life? Think about it.’
Holly picked at a cuticle, crossed and uncrossed her legs and finished her coffee. What did she want?
‘I always just wanted to be happy.’
‘What does happy mean to you?’
‘Well… I thought it was being with Rich, loving and being loved in return.’
‘And now?’
‘I know that being with him could make me happy, but not if it’s how it used to be. He didn’t love me as much as I wanted and deserved to be loved.’
‘Why not?’
Holly rubbed her eyes. That was the question, wasn’t it? Rich had given her a form of explanation and plenty of apologies, but when it came down to it, why had he held back, and could he really overcome that now?
‘I think it was because of what happened when he was younger.’
‘With his brother?’
‘Yes. In fact I know it was, but if he couldn’t deal with that then… how can I be sure he can do so now?’
Granny reached out and took Holly’s hand. Her fingers were gnarled with age, her skin darkened with brown patches, the veins running like snakes beneath the surface. But her grip was strong and reassuring. Granny had lived, she had made sacrifices for her family, she had loved and lost.
‘Holly, we can never be one hundred per cent certain that someone won’t hurt us, or leave us, or… die on us. I’ve lost my husband, but I also lost my child. It was an unimaginable pain losing your mother and one that no parent should ever have to face. Rich’s parents went through it too, and their son was much younger than my daughter was. Rich’s life would have been different because of what his family went through. Your life was different because of what you went through. Your loss was enormous… your pain unfathomable. But we go on, because we have to. My husband was old, and he had lived a good life, but even so, I miss him and it feels that he was taken too soon. I suspect that everyone feels that way. This life is far too brief. For some, it is even shorter.
‘There are many ways to be fulfilled and you need to consider them all. Like what you want to do career-wise – whether that means running this place or something completely different – where you want to live, what your hopes and dreams are for the future. But you don’t have to be in total control; in fact, you can’t control everything. It’s just not possible.’
‘I know. You’re right, Granny.’
‘Trying to control everything will only lead to unhappiness. If you love Rich and want to give him a chance, then do it. If you let fear hold you back, if you let past mistakes and errors of judgement deter you from allowing love in, then you might well regret that even more than taking a chance. The first option leaves no opportunities to find out, but the second allows you the chance to discover something that might be far more wonderful than you ever imagined. If you believe that Rich is ready now to be the partner you want and need, and the father that Luke deserves, then the rest is up to you.’
Holly raised her granny’s hand and kissed it, then got up and walked to the door. She opened it and stepped out into the morning, taking deep breaths of the cool air. The scents of the countryside were strong, the sweet freshness of grass and the deep richness of the fertile earth. Summer was taking hold of the land, awakening colour and life, and with it came the promise of a good harvest.
She padded over to the fence that separated the small family garden from the rest of the vineyard. There was a cobweb between two of the fence panels, and on it, dewdrops sparkled like diamonds. There was such a wealth of joy to be found here, so many things to appreciate. The tiny spider that had spun the web didn’t know what was going to happen to its work when it was finished. It was designed to catch food, a beautiful, flawless design, and yet a careless human hand could tear it to shreds in an instant. Such was life, but the spider kept on spinning. Granny was right. No one knew what was around the corner; no one knew what could happen tomorrow, let alone next week. But if you didn’t take a chance on love, on living the life you yearned for, then it would be no life at all.
Holly wanted more than to simply exist, more than to spend her life wondering what if?
She wanted the life she could have if she truly followed her heart.