‘Are you going back inside?’ Rich asked. They were standing so close they were almost touching.
‘Into the barn?’
He nodded.
‘I am. Your mum offered to give Luke his bottle and put him to bed.’
She smiled as she thought of how delighted Lucinda had been to get some time alone with her grandson.
‘You’ll have made her year.’ Rich laughed. ‘But poor Luke…’
‘Why?’
‘I bet she’s singing him a lullaby.’
‘What’s wrong with that?’
‘My mother can’t sing.’
‘Isn’t she in the village choir?’
‘Yup.’
‘Oh…’
‘I know. I think they put her at the back and try to drown her out.’
‘No they don’t!’
‘Look… much as I’d love to discuss my mum all night, I really would like to talk to you.’
‘About us?’
‘Yes.’
‘I’d like to talk to you too.’
‘Shall we walk?’
She nodded.
They turned away from the barn, where music and laughter spilled out into the air through the open doors, and passed the hog roast, then made their way down the path that led to the vineyard. Rows of vines spread out before them, dark sentries heavy with grapes that would be ready for harvesting within weeks. The beautiful aromas of honey and fruit were abundant in the evening air, signalling the ripening of the fruit, and Holly’s mouth watered at the familiar scent.
They strolled side by side, not talking, not discussing their destination. But when they reached the far end of the second field, they turned and headed for the big old oak tree in the far corner.
‘Here okay?’ Rich asked, finally breaking the silence.
Holly nodded.
They sat down, leaning against the wide trunk, and gazed up towards the house. Dusk had fallen now and the full moon cast a silvery glow over the land, highlighting the lumps and bumps and peaks and troughs of the vineyard.
The windows of Greenacres glowed with light, warm and inviting. The house had seen love and laughter, tears and pain. But it was still there, solid and enduring. It had been there long before Holly was born, long before Grandpa was born, and would be there long after they had all gone. There was comfort in that fact, even as there was sadness, because she hoped it would absorb something from all of them, and in that way they would continue through time, never completely ceasing to exist.
‘It’s magnificent, isn’t it?’ She glanced at Rich. ‘I love this place so much.’
‘Me too, Holly.’
He touched the back of her hand and she turned it over so that he could hold it. His hand was warm, his long fingers easily cradling hers. Her breathing quickened at his touch, at his proximity and at what she felt for him. Love welled in her heart.
‘What are we going to do, Rich? I thought I knew what I wanted, or at least what I should do, but I’m not certain it’s the right path to take.’
He turned to face her and held her with his dark eyes. In the moonlight she could see his expression clearly, read the emotion in the depths of his gaze.
‘I need to tell you something, Holly. It’s something I’ve only ever told three people: a counsellor in Ibiza, and my parents, and I only told them everything this past week. It was just too awful to share and I feared what people would think of me if I did, but now… now I know that I need to share it with you, because otherwise you’ll never fully understand why I was such an idiot for so long.’
She waited, not wanting to interrupt him in case he changed his mind.
He turned her hand over and traced the forefinger of his free hand around her palm then along each finger in turn. It made goose bumps rise on her arms and her nape and instantly relaxed her. Rich’s caress had always had such a dramatic effect on her, able to send her into a state of utter relaxation or high arousal.
‘That day when Dean and I went swimming… when it all went wrong… I blamed myself for his death.’
‘How could it have been your fault?’ Holly couldn’t help jumping in, because she couldn’t bear for Rich to blame himself. ‘It was an accident.’
‘I can accept that now, but I didn’t then, or for a long time afterwards. I spent my teenage years and my twenties blaming myself for his death. He was younger than me—’
‘By just a year!’
He shook his head. ‘I took my responsibility as his older brother very seriously. I suggested we go swimming that day even though I knew there was a risk of the water being too cold, and you know what Dean was like…’
‘He always wanted to be with you. I remember from school and from when we were kids. He followed you everywhere from the minute he could walk. Rich, you were a good brother to him and he loved you so much.’
He covered his face with his hands. ‘And that is why I felt… feel… so bad that I didn’t save him. If only I hadn’t decided to go out in the water that day. If only we’d taken a different route. If only I’d been a stronger swimmer, I could have saved him.’
‘How, Rich? The inquest found that the rip current was so strong that a grown man – even an Olympic swimmer – would’ve struggled. Add to that the cold and—’
‘I survived.’
‘By chance. By pulling yourself back into the boat.’
She reached out and put a hand on his shoulder, desperate to comfort him. She knew that he had carried an enormous burden of pain and guilt… no wonder he’d been weighed down.
‘Rich, you can’t let this dominate your life any more.’
He looked up. ‘I know. That’s what I’ve wanted to tell you since you came back, but it was so hard to explain. My inability to share, to confess how guilty I felt made me look inward and hate myself. How could I love you and give you all of me when I was so full of self-loathing?’
She shook her head, unable to speak now because of the ache in her chest. Her eyes were burning with tears and she felt so fragile that a feather could snap her in two. It wasn’t just Rich wanting to live in the past, to avoid growing up, but a fear of doing so. He had feared letting go.
‘The water was so cold when we dived in off the dinghy, and Dean went into shock. I tried to help him, but he gulped down loads of water and panicked. I told him to stop… to relax and float, but he couldn’t hear me. Then we got caught in the swell and he was dragged away from me. I managed to grab the rope on the dinghy and pull myself in, but he was carried away so quickly. Holly, I saw the fear in his eyes and I swear I’ll carry it with me until the day I die.’
A tear escaped and ran down his cheek, catching the moonlight and leaving a trail that glowed on his skin. Holly wiped it gently away and moved closer to him.
‘You said that speaking to the counsellor helped?’
He sniffed, then nodded.
‘It did. Until then, I’d been a ticking time bomb. I drank, I partied hard and did everything I could to avoid actually thinking about Dean and what had happened. That’s why I wasn’t able to commit to you, to open up to you, and why I never gave you what you deserved. And believe me, I did know deep down that you deserved far more. But I also thought that if I pushed you away, you’d find someone better than me. And yet you were so kind, so loving, and I did find comfort in being with you because you’re an amazing person. The most amazing person I’ve ever met.’
Now the tears in Holly’s eyes brimmed over and she leant her head on his shoulder, holding on to his arm as if she’d drift away if she didn’t ground herself. He lifted his arm and wrapped it around her shoulders, pulling her closer, their mutual need binding them together.
‘I think I knew all along that something was holding you back. You were wounded, damaged, and I recognized that because so was I. Losing my mum when I did, when I needed her, broke my heart, but I found comfort in you too.’
‘I’ve said it before, Hols, but I’m saying it again now… I love you and I am so sorry for hurting you. It was unforgivable.’ He took a deep breath. ‘I felt that you needed a rock, someone to protect you, to love you, and I tried to be that person, but then my demons would take hold and I’d struggle to be the man I thought you deserved. It was then that I felt most guilty, that my dark thoughts were too powerful to fight. Drinking to excess, behaving recklessly helped me to forget. But it always came back.’
‘You need to deal with pain and guilt like that or you’ll never be able to enjoy life.’
‘That’s exactly what the counsellor said. In Ibiza, I was able to find myself, to free myself by speaking to someone who didn’t know me and who I knew wouldn’t judge me. When I was younger, I baulked at the idea of counselling, thinking it was for the weak, but it did me so much good. The counsellor made me dig deep and see that I had to stop running away from my feelings. I faced up to my pain, poured out my guilt and self-hatred, and then… I began the healing process. Perhaps I wouldn’t have been able to work through it before that point in my life and it all had to come to a head as it did. But it took me coming home and seeing you again, being with you and with Luke, to fully heal.’
‘You’re so brave.’
He gave a wry laugh. ‘Brave?’
‘Not everyone can do what you did. And I see that you’ve changed.’
‘Telling my mum and dad was so hard. I was worried they’d judge me, because when it happened… I didn’t tell them everything. I was afraid to tell them that I believed it was my fault in case they did too, and it ate me up inside. But now they know the full story and they don’t blame me at all.’
‘I bet they said you were just a boy and that it wasn’t your fault.’
‘Spot on. They confessed to blaming themselves for being so busy with the bakery and not stopping us going out that day. Mum said she thought she’d been too lenient with us, but then Penhallow Sands has always been such a safe place. We’ve never had any trouble here and Dean and I could swim almost before we could walk. We knew the rules about going out in the dinghy, and yet we didn’t follow them that day. One day changed everything.’
‘That’s how life works.’
‘But now, Holly… I’ve been able to deal with my past and to accept that I was a child. It’s difficult to let go of the guilt, but when I’m with you and Luke, I feel I can do it.’
‘It really wasn’t your fault.’
‘But treating you as I did was. Last summer, after we’d agreed to buy the cottage, then I backed out, that was my fault.’
Pain lurched through Holly’s chest and she held him tighter.
‘It hurt so much, Rich. I’d thought we were finally ready to make a proper commitment.’
‘I would take it back in an instant if I could.’
‘I know that now.’
And she did. Because she could finally fully understand what had been holding him back all that time, why he’d felt he couldn’t commit. How could he have explained it all to her then if he didn’t understand it himself? He’d been lost in his grief and his guilt for such a long time, but now he’d come back from it and for that she was so grateful.
‘It was the twenty-year anniversary that pushed me over the edge. I couldn’t believe that Dean had been gone that long. There I was, about to commit to the woman I loved, and I realized that he would never have that. He’d never have a girlfriend or boyfriend, never fall in love, never buy a home of his own, never get married, never have children. It snapped something inside me and I couldn’t come to the solicitor’s office to sign the documents. It was as though making the purchase official would show me for the hard-hearted bastard I thought I was, living my life while Dean couldn’t live his, so instead of letting you know, I ran. Then you found me at the cottage and I said such awful things… things that weren’t true about not loving you enough.’
‘I can’t pretend that it didn’t hurt me, Rich, but I understand now why you did run.’
‘Holly… I need you to know something else.’
She met his eyes and he took a deep breath.
‘I have always loved you, but I was afraid something would go wrong and the universe would take you from me too.’ His eyes widened. ‘Until you came back, I hadn’t really understood myself fully. The words had been in my mind as a concept, but they’d been so hazy, hard to pin down. Being with you has helped me to form them into coherent thoughts.’
He leant back and met her gaze, and she could see his distress in the depths of his eyes and etched upon his face. She had never loved him more.
‘Rich… what do you want now? I can’t take the risk of trusting you with my heart again if you can’t give me what I need. Our son needs stability and so do I. If you feel any hesitation or suspect that your guilt will rear its head again and send you running, then please be honest. For Luke’s sake.’
He shook his head, then cupped her chin with his hands.
‘I can’t promise that I won’t be sad sometimes. I can’t promise that I won’t struggle with myself at times, that the darkness won’t shadow some of my days. I loved Dean and I’ll always be sad that he’s not around, living his life and making Mum and Dad proud. But what I can promise is that I know how to deal with my emotions now. I know that burying my pain is self-destructive, and I won’t ever do that again. I want to be the best dad to Luke that I can be, and if you want to be with me, I promise I’ll be the best version of me that I can offer to you. I swear to you, Holly Dryden, that if you give me another chance, you won’t regret it. I’ll spend the rest of my days doing everything within my power to make you happy.’
She sighed with relief as the fear she’d been carrying around finally released her and drifted away.
‘I want that too, Rich.’
‘May I kiss you now?’
‘Please do.’
She slid her arms around his neck and he pulled her closer. His kisses were gentle at first, his mouth soft and coaxing, but soon they grew more passionate, and the pain, sadness and confusion of the past year fell away.
Then they lay down together under the oak tree, and Rich showed Holly exactly how much he loved her, and she knew that this time it was for keeps.