In his dreams, Joe saw a beautiful young woman coming to his side and smiling at him and holding his hand. His hand. Compassionate brown eyes looking at him not as if he was sitting behind bars, but rather as if he meant something to her. As if she needed to be there. As if time didn’t matter, but waiting for him did.
It would have been a nice dream to have. But Joe realized when he opened his eyes that Samantha really and truly was by his side, looking at him and holding his hand.
“Well, hey there,” he said in a weak voice that even surprised himself.
“Hi, Joe. I’m so sorry.”
She sounded as if she had known him for years. It was a good thing to hear.
“I had no idea you were—”
“Everyone’s dying,” he said with a smile, trying to make her feel at ease. “I’m just at the head of the line.”
She looked a little more comfortable, which Joe was glad to see.
“Thanks for coming.”
“Isn’t there anyone else you want to be here? Friends?”
“Don’t really have any. Unless you count my pastor—he gave me a job, even let me serve as an usher. Knowing everything about me. Everything. But I figure he’s already done enough.”
“Family?” she asked him.
Joe figured it was about time he told her the truth. Not the horror stories, but the beautiful and awful truth he hated to relive. Like the ink on his body, this was a part of his life and legacy. He could never not see it.
Yet the light inside me blinds out the darkness of those past deeds.
“I don’t have family anymore,” he said. “A long time ago, I had a little girl about Lily’s age. My little angel. I loved her, and she thought the world of me. I can still feel her wrapping herself around me to give me a hug and shout ‘Daddy’ in my ear. But I went and got myself into trouble. Real trouble, the kind you don’t always come back from. By the time I got back? She was a fully grown woman with a life of her own. And no desire to get to know a dying ex-con. She didn’t need a daddy anymore.”
There was a pain that crept into Samantha’s glance. Joe knew it well.
“I understood, especially since I hadn’t been much of a father anyway. I guess that’s why I was so fond of you and Lily. I was selfish, I suppose.”
“Not selfish,” Samantha said. “Just human.”
Joe gave her a nod. He could only imagine being able to talk to his daughter now and to remind her again of his regrets and his hurt. To tell her he loved her and to ask for her forgiveness.
God didn’t answer that door. Another one opened up.
The little girl drawing in her notebook that night at the hospital. Joe could still picture Lily next to him.
“Are you scared?” Samantha asked.
“No. Jesus has always had a soft spot for sinners, so I figure I’m all set.”
That scared look crept back onto Samantha’s face even though she was smiling. Joe understood. Man, if he could only explain how well he understood that uncertainty in the eyes, the heaviness wrapped around the face.
I’ve seen it for so long on so many.
“He loves you, Samantha. You’ll see that. And somehow, someway, when you least expect it, you’ll know. You’ll absolutely know.”
She tightened her shoulders and moved her hand to rub the back of her neck. “What makes you so sure?” she asked.
“Because He’s God.”