Did Scott nip to the john? Huh? Scott – I just turned my back, turned round again and shazam. ‘Who.’ Aye very droll.

Maybe he went out to get a signal. It’s like we’re off the grid in here. Scott! Fuck sake Stevie I’m not in the mood.

Stop staring at me like I’ve lost it again. He was standing here between us in the bar mirror, under the clock.

He left his pint. The barman must’ve cleared it away. – Our brother! My younger, your elder – it’s his birthday,

or it was yesterday, that’s why we’re here. He’s 53. Dead guy. Looks 40 though, don’t you think?

He’s why you’re here in a way. I know you weren’t born yet but you must remember

how high I got when Ma told me he was coming? She’d ask me what I was getting for my second birthday

and she taught me to reply a baby brother or a baby sister! which was clever as it distracted me from the fact

I wanted him dead. But it was too late. I am very powerful. Actually maybe that’s bullshit

and what my shrink tells me because it saves her thinking. Maybe I was just disappointed

my cool present didn’t show up. I’ve often wondered why I spend my birthdays alone

as a point of principle. The day always seems countersunk, shadowed by Ma’s black mood on one side

and Halloween on the other, that thin day where the souls of the departed freely roam and all that.

She never blamed me exactly, but it was too much of a coincidence, her so distraught, and me so empty-handed.

I knew her tears and fury were on me, as was the fury of any woman thereafter. Sometimes I think I’m a cunt

just so I can keep apologising. Sorry will be written on my gravestone, Ma says.

It’s the sound I make when I breathe out.

Ach, you know what he’s like! That guy … It’ll be some kind of practical joke. Although I can’t remember what he’s like

look look I’ve a picture of Scott here on the phone, from last Christmas, Dad’s last, you remember

somewhere. Jesus        yeah this is it hang on. Shit yes I can see there’s only us two in it, hang on

Yes I’m feeling OK actually no I’m not, his texts are gone and so’s his contact, hang on

You have to remember! Scott, the handsome one, same black humour that’s the family stock-in-trade –

I mean even Louise has it – but lighter in his heart, and with none of our targetless rage,

like Jamie, everyone always says he’s just like my Jamie, same softness in his eyes that feels everyone else’s pain for them,

they have the same birthday, probably happens to some kids with birth asphyxia

and they end up with I don’t know overactive mirror neurons or some shit. Hang on        it’s all come back to me –

Scott, he had some        trouble when he was young, yes, and he was done for selling, nearly killed

Ma at the time and that nearly killed him, but he turned it round in his late twenties, did his exams again

at the college, did his first year in adult ed then uni then a master’s and he went into social work where he met

Linda and where he’s high up the now, no kids but he’s been an amazing stepdad to

Niamh and Sandy aye he fairly stepped up there really stepped up did Scott I remember now

       I remember now he said

he was going to get some air because he didn’t feel right

              I’ll check out the window

   No

               There’s

                       no one      no

                              just the snow

                                     swirling under the streetlight