The first day of classes is always the worst. It’s hot, the students are unsettled because they already miss summer after only one day, and I’m wearing a suit and heels. I can’t remember the last time I wore makeup. Well, actually, I can but I don’t want to think about it. It was that magical night in Lawrence, Kansas when Kate and I had our fantastic all night date. I frown at my memory, upset with the entire situation. I wish I could completely forget the last three months of my life. I turn to the board and write Tristan Stark, Meteorology 101. The murmurs of the students eventually quiet and I face a silent classroom. There are approximately one hundred and twenty students in this class, but I know I will lose about half of them by December. Unless you really love weather, this class tends to lean toward the boring side, especially when I’m required to follow the textbook. Whenever I see my students secretly pull out their phones to text or play games, I spice things up by showing them my videos or photos. That usually keeps their interest the rest of the class. I can’t wait until I can teach the upperclassmen. Then, it seems like it will be worth it, but that won’t happen for another year.
“Good morning, class. I’m Tristan Stark. Welcome to Meteorology 101. If this isn’t your class, then get out.” The class chuckles a bit and we settle in for the next fifty minutes. I start off with the basics. What weather is, how it affects us, why it’s good, why it’s bad. I try to keep it light because I don’t want to lose them on the first day. I give them the first two chapters to read before the next class and excuse them a few minutes early. I breathe a sigh of relief when they rise and leave the room.
The first day is hard for me, too. I have to get used to being around people again. I spent the summer moping in my house. My only visitors were Hunter and her boyfriend. They managed to get me to go out a few times, but only because I could tell Hunter was truly worried about me and I didn’t want any type of intervention. She knows how to get in touch with my family and isn’t afraid to do so. The last thing I need is for my mother to visit.
“You did a good job of keeping their interest on the first day. Not too many professors can say that.”
My hand falters as I reach for my papers. I know that voice. I close my eyes. I settle my heart and tuck it back into my chest where it belongs so that I don’t choke on it in my throat. I don’t want to turn around. I don’t want to open myself up again. Steeling myself against the onslaught of emotions, I face Kate. She is even more beautiful than I remember. I stare at her until it becomes uncomfortable. At least for me. She doesn’t seem affected by it. A huge part of me wants to fall into her arms and weep that she is fine. The last time I saw her, she was bruised, swollen, and broken. Even pissed at her, I still prayed that she would be okay. From the looks of it, she is okay. Her face is smooth, her arm isn’t in a cast. She is lovely. Her lips are almost curved, her eyes searching my face for some sort of sign if she can smile or not. I take a deep breath before I say anything.
“What are you doing here, Kate?” I ask. I grab my bag and continue gathering up my stuff. My body is trembling and I don’t want her to see me like this.
“I wanted to see how you’re doing and to thank you for saving my life that day.” Her voice is so sincere. I know she means it, but I’m still pissed. I know I’m being irrational at this point and probably sabotaging any chance of a relationship I could possibly have with her.
“No need to thank me. You needed my help and I’m glad we were there for you both.” I emphasize the word both. “And I’m doing fine.” I turn and smile. It’s fake. The smile I reserve for photos. “I’m glad you’re doing well. The last time I saw you, you didn’t look so great.” I want to get out of this room, but my body is suddenly very heavy and my heart is tired.
“Maddox and I now have matching scars,” she says playfully. She tilts her head to the side, pulling her hair back to show me a scar that is fresh and pink along her hairline. My stomach churns as I remember seeing it oozing blood with her beautiful hair matted against it. “Do you have another class right now? If not, can we go somewhere and talk?”
“No. I have things to do. It’s my first day and I just…can’t,” I say.
Her face falls and I almost feel regret. Her hair is lighter from the summer sun and she seems even thinner, but still just as beautiful. I’m itching to touch her. I clutch my bag tighter to keep myself from reaching out to her. “Thanks for letting me know you’re all right.” I walk around her, but she reaches out and touches my arm.
“If we can’t do anything today, then let’s plan for a time for us to get together. Can you have dinner with me?” she asks.
“I don’t think so, Kate. I just don’t think this is going to work.”
“Why not? Why won’t you at least talk to me? I had a wonderful time with you. I miss you and I miss Maddox.” I melt a little when she mentions Maddox.
“The whole trust issue between us is a pretty big thing. Trust is the foundation in a relationship and when it’s broken, then what’s the point of continuing the relationship? I can’t forgive you just because we had great sex. What happened is not something I’m going to forget just like that.” I snap my fingers.
“I didn’t want it to ruin the beginning of us.” She moves her finger back and forth between us. “I truly am sorry that I never told you that I got the grant. I know I’m a total chicken shit. You and Hunter are the first people who opened yourselves up to me and didn’t give up because I didn’t talk. It’s not easy for me to trust people and then I took your trust and ruined it.” She is starting to get emotional.
“You never said anything after you were with us in the car for ten days even when you saw how stressed we were about money. You never said anything when we were sleeping together.” I can feel my emotions threatening to spill out and I clench my teeth hoping I can maintain my composure. “You never told us who your father is.”
“What the hell does my dad have anything to do with this?” Anger flashes in her eyes.
“Don’t pretend you don’t know that your father put the squeeze on all the right people to get you that grant. His name is in the paperwork. Did you and your dad just sit around and laugh at how you got money away from people who really need it?” I know I sound like a whiny baby right now, but I’m mad. That man snaps his fingers and suddenly everybody jumps, including the government?
“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” she says. Her voice is low and surprisingly calm. She folds her arms in front of her. “Before the accident, I hadn’t spoken to my father in six years.”
“Oh, and when you needed grant money, he just magically appeared and helped you secure it? That doesn’t make sense.”
“He didn’t help me get funding. He wouldn’t do that. Do you know why? Because when I came out to my family, they practically disowned me. I was an embarrassment to them. I walked away from them, their money, everything. I’ve been on my own since I was eighteen. If my dad had anything to do with me getting that grant, I had no idea. I hadn’t seen him since my freshman year.” Now she’s shaking. Her cheeks are getting flush with anger and I realize this really is news to her. It doesn’t soften me though.
“Well, it’s not as if you shared a lot of yourself with us, Kate. I tried everything to get you to open up to us, to me, but you never did. You never took the time to trust me.”
“That’s the thing. I did trust you. I opened up to you more than I’ve opened up to anyone in six years. Now you tell me my father interfered with my paperwork. It makes me remember why I don’t like to trust people.”
“As far as the grant is concerned, check the backup paperwork. You’ll find his name.”
She sighs and leans against my desk. “We’ve actually been working on our relationship again. Not that I’m defending him, but I guess he was just making sure I was making it. This sets us back again.” She sounds defeated and now I soften. I know how important family is, especially how delicate it can be when revealing something as personal as your sexual orientation.
“If it means anything, he was very worried when you were in the hospital. If you’re working on your relationship, then tread lightly. What’s done is done. Family is important. They are there for you for the rest of your life.” I can’t believe I’m giving her advice, especially since I got screwed during this process. I should have done a better job getting us the funds, simple as that. I really shouldn’t blame her, but I’m still hurting and I’m horrible at forgiveness.
“I have to go now. I’m glad you’re doing better, Kate. I really am. Thanks for coming down to thank me in person. Good luck with your family and with school.” With as much dignity as I can muster, I walk up the stairs, push through the door, and force myself not to turn around. The further I distance myself from her, the more I can feel myself crumble. I need to get to my office before I break down. First day of school and my students don’t need to witness me crying.
❖
“So Kate was here?” Hunter asks me. Her eyes are huge with disbelief. She’s in my office eating an early lunch. We were able to keep her working for the department by scraping together funds from tiny grants here and there that nobody wanted to apply for because there was more paperwork to fill out than money to be had. Since I was sequestering myself from the world over the summer, I had plenty of time to work on it. It’s not as much money as she would have received if we got the MWSE grant, but it pays her bills and she isn’t complaining.
“Yeah, and I was a complete ass. Apparently, she didn’t know her dad had his hand in getting the grant. She was genuinely shocked at hearing that.”
“So she was sad and quiet because she was alone? That’s kind of awful,” Hunter says. “I mean, good for her for getting out there and being proactive, but that would suck. Can you imagine what it would be like if your family didn’t want to have anything to do with you when you told them? I can’t.” Hunter’s right. Kate’s had it rough the last six years.
“She wanted to do dinner but I just can’t, you know?” I say. Hunter shakes her head at me and rolls her eyes.
“Why do you constantly punish yourself? You know that she’s sorry she didn’t tell you she got the grant. You know that she didn’t know her father was involved. What’s there to still be pissed about?”
“It’s not that easy. I can’t get all involved again. You know trust is hard with me. Once it’s broken, it’s hard to gain it back. Besides, she’s an hour and a half away so we’d do the long distant thing for how long? Our love life would be weekends and holidays and over the phone. Who would hug me when I have a bad day at work or who would surprise me with dinner? I would miss out on all the little things that make a relationship strong. I need that closeness. You know this about me.”
“Welcome to having a relationship, Tris. Tell me which ones have been easy? If they weren’t meant to be works in progress, we all would have married the first person we fell in love with,” she says. She’s right. A relationship is all about give and take and it isn’t always going to be easy. “I think you kind of like wallowing a bit. It’s easier, huh?” Now, I’m starting to get upset. Hunter is pushing my buttons.
“I just need to chill a bit. I promise I will talk to her, but I need time to process all of this. I was just able to function without her and bam! She shows up looking hot and wants to do dinner. Last time that happened, we were up all night doing everything but talk.” I try not to think about how soft her body was to touch and how her skin felt so warm under me, but I can’t help it. I close my eyes and allow the quick memory of her perfection to flood my senses again. So passionate, so lovely.
“Hey, lover girl,” Hunter says. I open my eyes and stare at her. “Come back to reality okay? I’m starting to get a little uncomfortable here.” I smile at her. I’ve gone from pissed off to sappy in about two minutes. It really was good to see Kate, regardless of our problems. I’m glad she is happy and healthy. After what I saw in the hospital three months ago, and the gorgeous woman in front of me today, I say a silent thank you to God.
“Okay, well I’ve got class in ten minutes so I’m out of here.” I grab my bag and head for the door. “Don’t dirty up my office and don’t throw away your lunch in my trash. It will stink up the place.” I dodge a french fry before I quickly close the door.