A Blessing
After you've prepared your meal from some of the delicious recipes in Aunt Bee's Cookbook, how about starting your meal with Robert Louis Stevenson's blessing:
Thank you for the world so sweet,
Thank you for the food we eat,
Thank you for the birds that sing,
Thank you, Lord, for everything.
Submitted by Helen C. Myers—Sacramento, California
Cheesy F.B.I. Man Safe Crackers
Picture perfect.
½ cup butter
2 tablespoons tomato juice
2 cups grated cheddar cheese
1 cup sifted all-purpose flour
¾ cup chopped pecans
¼ teaspoon red pepper
½ teaspoon salt
In a large bowl cream together the butter and tomato juice. Add the remaining ingredients. Divide the mixture in half and roll into 2 rolls about 12 inches long. Chill overnight.
Cut the rolls into slices about ¼-inch thick and arrange on an un-greased cookie sheet. Bake in a 350° oven for 10 to 12 minutes.
Serves 6 to 8.
Cordelia Kelly—Greensboro, North Carolina
In the courthouse, Andy and Barney discuss being pursued by women:
BARNEY: You know, a few years back a similar thing happened to me.
ANDY: Yeah?
BARNEY: Maybe I never told you about it. The girl's name was Halcyon Loretta Winslow.
ANDY: Pretty name.
BARNEY: Ugliest girl you ever saw in your life. What happened was her father got it in his head that I should marry Halcyon. You know, he saw my picture in the paper. You remember when I won that church raffle—four free haircuts?
ANDY: Oh, yeah. Picture's all over the front page.
BARNEY: Well, you know how that affects people. They go crazy. Right away, he saw civil servant—security. Right? Then he saw unmarried, and at the time I was only three-o.
ANDY: Thirty.
BARNEY: Right. He saw in me an untapped source of lifetime happiness for his ugly daughter. So, needless to say they got my phone number from the barber and the rest is history.
ANDY: I don't believe I ever heard of it.
BARNEY: You didn't? Well, I tell you, it's like a tale out of two cities. First, I only saw the old man for about a week. He made me a tempting offer: third interest in a prune-pitting operation.
ANDY: There's a lot of money in that.
BARNEY: Well, you got to like it. Full use of the company car, an interest in the family home, and a beautiful hillside plot in the Mt. Pilot cemetery.
ANDY: That burial plot alone is worth a fortune.
BARNEY: You know me. When opportunity knocks, ol' Barn's got to at least take a peek and see if there's anybody on the stoop. Anyway, the old man made a date for all of us to meet down at Klein's Coffeehouse for American cheese and garni.
ANDY: Yeah, finally met her, huh?
BARNEY: Oh, boy.
ANDY: Not too pretty?
BARNEY: Beasto maristo. I'll tell you that cheese sandwich stuck right there (points at Adam's apple) for about three days.
ANDY: How'd you finally get off the hook?
BARNEY: Well, first of all, paid for my own cheese sandwich.
ANDY: Wipe out any obligations.
BARNEY: Right. Then I took the old man to one side, and I told him straight out N-O, a flat no dice. . . . But he kept after me, letters, phone calls, driving that company car by all shiny and new. But I held my ground. Pretty soon he got the idea, and that was the end of it.
ANDY: Whatever happened to Halcyon?
BARNEY: Well, you know she went east to one of them schools where they trim you down, clear your skin, make you walk around with a book on your head.
ANDY: Don't tell me, she turned out to be beautiful?
BARNEY: No. She's still ugly, single, and pitting prunes.
Betty's Cheese Wafers
½ cup butter
2 cups shredded sharp cheddar cheese
1 teaspoon Worcestershire sauce
Dash Tabasco
1 cup sifted all-purpose flour
In a food processor or electric mixer, combine all of the ingredients. Roll into logs, cover, and refrigerate until firm.
Grease a cookie sheet. Slice into wafers and place on the cookie sheet. Bake in a 350° oven for 12 minutes.
Serves 6.
Submitted by Harvey Bullock—writer
Kleptomenerac Cheese Krispies
They'll steal your taste buds.
1 12-ounce package sharp cheddar cheese
1 cup margarine
2 cups all-purpose flour
1 cup self-rising flour
2 cups Rice Krispies
I n a large saucepan over low heat melt the cheese and margarine together. Remove from the heat and add the flour. Stir in the Rice Krispies and mix thoroughly. Roll into small balls and place on a cookie sheet. Bake in a 325° oven for 15 minutes.
Serves 6.
Bobbie Carson—Nashville, Tennessee
Thelma Lous Finger Sandwiches
½ cup grated cheddar cheese
½ cup butter, melted
2 eggs, beaten
½ teaspoon onion salt
½ teaspoon garlic salt
Paprika
Bread slices with crusts removed
With a mixer combine the cheese, butter, eggs, onion salt, and garlic salt. Cut each slice of bread into 4 square pieces. Place a spoonful of the cheese mixture on half of the bread squares, and top with the remaining bread squares. Top with another spoonful of the cheese mixture. Sprinkle with paprika and arrange on a cookie sheet. Bake in a 400° oven for 10 minutes.
Serves 6 to 8.
Tina Muncy—Clarksville, Arkansas
Goober and girlfriend Lydia drop by for a visit:
HELEN: Lydia, would you care for a pretzel?
LYDIA: No, thank you. They lay on my chest.
HELEN: I'm sorry. Goober?
GOOBER: Yo!
BARNEY: (To Andy) Not much lays on his chest.
Tampico Tortilla Roll-ups
You'll develop a "compelsion" for these taste bud tempters.
2 8-ounce packages cream cheese
1 8-ounce carton sour cream
2 to 3 green onions, finely chopped
Juice of ½ lime
2 to 3 fresh jalapeño peppers, chopped
12 fresh flour tortillas
Salsa
In a bowl combine the cream cheese, sour cream, onions, lime juice, and jalapeño peppers. Blend well. Spread the filling on the tortillas. Roll up the tortillas and cut into 1-inch rolls. Cover with a wet towel and chill until ready to serve.
Serve with salsa.
Serves 6.
Leslie Hay—Nashville, Tennessee
Barney's Cock-a-Doodle-Doo Canape
No phony business here. It's for real.
Cream cheese
Anchovy paste
Toasted bread rounds
Ham slices (optional)
Tomato slices
Hard boiled egg slices
1 dill pickle, finely chopped
1 small onion, finely chopped
1 pint mayonnaise
1 teaspoon chopped parsley
Combine cream cheese and a small amount of anchovy paste. Spread toasted rounds of bread with the cream cheese mixture. Place a slice of ham, tomato, and egg over each.
Combine the remaining ingredients and place a small amount of the tartar sauce mixture over each canape. Arrange on a serving tray and serve at once.
Mrs. Edward Kuhn—Charlotte, North Carolina
Mrs. Mendelbright's Stuffed Mushrooms
From her best cellar.
80 mushrooms
½ cup butter, melted
¾ cup Parmesan cheese
½ cup mushroom stems, chopped
½ teaspoon garlic salt
1 8-ounce package cream cheese, softened
L ine baking sheets with foil. Wash and remove the stems from the mushrooms. Chop and reserve ½ cup of the stems. Brush the caps with the butter and place on the trays. In a medium bowl combine the Parmesan, mushroom stems, garlic salt, and cream cheese, blending well. Fill the caps with the mixture. Bake in a 350° oven for 15 minutes.
These may be frozen. Bake an additional 5 minutes.
Makes 80 stuffed mushrooms.
Aw Gee, Paw Cheese Ball
2 8-ounce packages cream cheese
1 8-ounce can pineapple tidbits
2 tablespoons chopped onions
¼ cup chopped green pepper
2 cups chopped pecans
¼ teaspoon salt
With a fork cream the cream cheese. Add the remaining ingredients, reserving 1 cup of pecans. Mix well by hand. Let the mixture harden in the refrigerator for 45 minutes. Remove and shape into a ball. Roll in the reserved pecans.
Makes 1 really big cheese ball or 1 sort of big one and 1 little one.
Shelia Cox—Nashville, Tennessee
Rugged farmer Jeff Pruitt is introduced to the delicate ways of city living:
JEFF PRUITT: Honey pie, somebody got in your food and tore it into little teeny pieces.
THELMA LOU: Oh, silly boy. They're finger sandwiches. Wel-II . . .
JEFF: Kinda good. Whets my appetite for supper.
THELMA LOU: Why, Jeff, this is supper.
JEFF: You're joking!
THELMA LOU: Why, no.
JEFF: Can you honestly call this a meal?
THELMA LOU: I believe in keeping trim.
JEFF: Trim! Why there ain't enough meal there to—get skinny on!
Andy and rich girlfriend Peggy dine at a fancy Raleigh restaurant:
ANDY: What's that?
PEGGY: Escargots, snails! You've had some, haven't you?
ANDY: No, I've stepped on quite a few of 'em in my time. But I never have eaten one of em. . . . I believe I'll just let the snails go by.
Just Right Dip
Perfect when the chips are down.
1 14½ -ounce can asparagus spears, drained
½ cup sour cream
¼ teaspoon hot sauce
1 teaspoon dried dill weed
1 teaspoon seasoned salt
In a blender combine all of the ingredients, and whip until smooth. Adjust the seasonings to taste. Serve with corn chips.
Serves 6 to 8.
Miracle Salve Dip
Tested and approved by Dr. Pendyke.
9 slices bacon
3 small tomatoes, quartered
1 8-ounce package cream cheese, softened and cubed
3 teaspoons prepared mustard
¼ teaspoon Tabasco sauce
1 ½ cups almonds
3 tablespoons chopped green onions
Crackers
In a large skillet fry the bacon. Drain on paper towels, crumble, and set aside. In a blender or food processor blend the tomatoes, cream cheese, mustard, and Tabasco sauce. Add the almonds, onions, and bacon, and blend until the almonds are chopped. Refrigerate for 2 hours or up to 2 days. Serve with crackers.
Serves 10 to 12.
OPIE: I think I'll split over there and get some of those cool-looking potato chips.
Miracle salve salesmen
No Heartaches Artichoke Dip
1 cup mayonnaise
1 cup Parmesan cheese
1 6-ounce can artichoke hearts
In an ovenproof bowl combine the mayonnaise and Parmesan cheese. Drain the artichokes and add to the mixture. Bake in a 350° oven for 20 to 30 minutes. 30 minutes.
Serves 6.
Laina Bush—McLean, Virginia
Gomer's Guacamole and Tortilla Chips
Shazam!
2 cups all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon baking powder
1 tablespoon lard or shortening
½ to ¾ cup warm water (110°)
Oil
Salt to taste
2 medium avocados, seeded, peeled, and cut up
½ small onion, cut up
2 tablespoons lemon juice
1 clove garlic, minced
½ teaspoon salt
¼ teaspoon pepper
In a mixing bowl stir together the flour, salt, and baking powder. Cut in the lard until the mixture resembles cornmeal. Add ½ cup of water and stir until the dough can be gathered into a ball. If needed, add more water, 1 tablespoon at a time. Let the dough rest for 15 minutes. Divide the dough into 12 portions and shape into balls. Turn onto a lightly floured board and roll each ball into a 7-inch round. Trim uneven edges to make round tortillas. Stack the rounds and cut the stack into 6 wedges.
In a deep skillet heat ½ inch of oil. Fry the wedges a few at a time for about 45 seconds, or until they are crisp and lightly browned. Drain well on paper toweling. Sprinkle the chips lightly with salt.
In a blender container combine the remaining ingredients. Cover and blend until well combined. Serve with Tortilla Chips.
Serves 6 to 8.
Hello Country Bumpkin Pumpkin Seeds
A pit hit.
2 cups pumpkin seeds
1½ tablespoons oil
Salt
Wash and wipe the seeds. Coat with the oil, and spread on a baking sheet. Sprinkle with salt. Bake in a 350° oven for 20 to 30 minutes, or in a 150° oven for 2 to 4 hours. They pop when done, but need to be watched.
Store in an airtight jar.
Makes 2 cups.
Jennifer Trumbull—Nashville, Tennessee
Dinner at Morrelli's
Old Man Kelsey's Deer Jerky
1½ to 2 pounds lean boneless deer meat, partially frozen
¼ cup soy sauce
1 tablespoon Worcestershire sauce
¼ teaspoon ground pepper
¼ teaspoon garlic powder
¼ teaspoon onion powder
¼ teaspoon hickory smoked salt
¼ cup firmly packed brown sugar
1 small bottle liquid smoke
Trim all fat from the meat. Slice the meat as thinly as possible. In a bowl combine the remaining ingredients. Stir until dissolved. Add the meat and mix well. Cover and refrigerate overnight.
Shake the excess liquid from the meat and arrange in a shallow pan or cookie sheet. Dry the meat in a 150° to 200° oven until dry and brown, a minimum of 8 hours. Cool, remove from the pan, and store in a glass jar.
Note: If spicy hot jerky is desired, you may sprinkle coarsely ground black pepper over the meat just before placing it in the oven.
Timothy Thompson—Manvel, Texas
Dipper deputy