Despite my being almost ten minutes late, Jonah wasn’t at the Ruddy Duck, the family pub in the centre of the village with a decent menu and nice bustle, where we’d arranged to meet. When he pushed through the heavy door a short while later, my growing prickle of nerves only intensified at the sharp creases between his eyebrows. I knew from experience these meant he was tense, or annoyed. For a second I wondered whether he’d heard the rumours about my teenage lover, but if he believed that, then he’d surely have cancelled.
‘Libby, hi.’ The furrow eased slightly as he sat down, shrugging out of a brown jacket, the scent of leather sending ripples of nostalgia over my skin.
‘Hi.’
‘Sorry I’m late. I was waiting for Ellis.’ He pulled his phone out of his jeans pocket and frowned at the screen. ‘She’s ignoring my messages.’
‘Is that usual?’ I asked.
He shook his head. ‘Not recently. At least, not until last Saturday.’
‘Did something happen?’
‘It did. But I’d really like a drink in my hand before I talk about it.’
‘Oh… I mean… you don’t have to tell me. It’s none of my business…’ I began scrutinising the menu, despite having already chosen what to order while waiting for him to get here.
‘I’d love to hear your expert opinion on what’s going on with my pregnant baby sister. If that’s not too much like unpaid overtime.’
We ordered drinks using the table QR code and then decided to go ahead and add some food while we were at it, seeing as Jonah had little faith that Ellis would get herself to the pub. We made meaningless small talk until his beer and my lime and soda arrived, then after a long sip he sat back with a sigh.
‘Ellis’s ex showed up on my doorstep, late Saturday night.’
‘The baby’s father?’
‘No. Damon’s been around since she moved into her last residential unit, when she was sixteen. He shows up, wreaks havoc for a few months then disappears again. He was in prison when she got pregnant.’
‘That’s awful. He doesn’t mind that she’s expecting someone else’s baby?’
Jonah looked grim. ‘He doesn’t care because he knows he’ll be gone by the time the baby is born. I think it makes him feel powerful, like he’s superior to the father.’
‘What does wreaking havoc look like?’
‘When he’s here, nothing else matters. She’d skive school, miss curfew and visits with me and Billy. He feeds her enough weed and alcohol to keep her compliant, then cuts her off from everything else. One time, her social worker had managed to find her a place to live away from the latest loser, we’d persuaded her to enrol in college and then Damon showed up. Two weeks later she was living with him in a hole in Mansfield Woodhouse. Three months after that she turned up on my doorstep with a broken arm and a half-empty bin bag.
‘I can’t tell you how relieved Billy and I were when he finally went to prison. We hoped she was free of one scumbag, at least. I thought that, with enough time, having moved to a tiny village in the middle of nowhere, he might not bother looking for her. If it was just her, that’s one thing, but there’s a baby now…’ He stopped, his voice catching. ‘I don’t know what to do, Libby. I thought the Bloomers might help.’
I clutched my glass with both hands. I’d heard so many stories like this one, but it hit harder when I’d known them as a little girl, let alone when I felt partly to blame.
‘The Bloomers might well help. I know a couple of the current group who she’d probably find it useful to talk to. And remember, Ellis knows it’s different this time, too. Having a baby can sometimes be the catalyst women need to make a break from harmful relationships.’
Sometimes. Not nearly often enough, in my professional experience.
We spoke more about Ellis and her challenges over the past few years, and how Jonah had tried – and in his opinion failed – to help her, until our food arrived. I couldn’t help noting the absence of any mention of a wife or girlfriend.
‘Anyway, I hope there’s no one who’s going to mind this ending up being the two of us,’ I said, after the waiter had moved away.
‘What?’ Jonah squinted at me, confused.
‘Well. If you’ve got a partner, or something. She might not appreciate you having a meal with your old… not that I was ever your girlfriend or anything. A meal with a girl who used to like you?’
To love you. With everything she had.
He sat back, that rare and precious grin all over his face.
‘No partner. Or something.’
‘Okay. That’s good, then.’
‘Is it?’
Jonah’s grin faded. He looked at me, and his eyes were like rings of gold encircling vast, dark pools. I’d once told Jonah I wasn’t scared of him. That look sent shivers up my spine.
‘Well. Um. I’m not saying it’s good you’re single. I mean, not that there’s anything wrong with it. Plenty of people are happily single. But, well. I wouldn’t want to have put you in an awkward situation, that’s all. You being in a relationship or not makes no difference to me, obviously.’
He raised one eyebrow. ‘That wasn’t obvious, no. But thank you for clarifying.’
Oh my goodness.
Jonah sounded as if he genuinely hoped him being single would make a difference to us.
I prattled on.
‘I mean, I’ve actually been single for years now. Happily. On purpose. So, no judgement here either way…’
Jonah mercifully switched his focus to his meal, eating a mouthful of steak and ale pie before replying.
‘Yeah. At the risk of creeping you out, I need to confess something.’
‘Oh?’ The pasta in my stomach formed a solid lump of apprehension.
‘I know you’re mum to Finn and Isla, who both love football. I know you all spent a long weekend in Dorset at Easter, and last weekend had a barbecue with Nicky and her in-laws.’
‘Um, what?’
‘I sometimes, on a lonely, sentimental day, when trying to remember a brief chapter in my life when I felt safe, and cared for, look at your family Facebook page.’
‘Oh, thank goodness for that. I was seriously starting to freak out for a moment. Phew!’ I let out a jerky laugh.
‘You don’t think it’s creepy?’
‘To occasionally look at the social media of someone you once shared a home with? Your first love?’
My cheeks were on fire, but I’d always found it impossible not to be honest with Jonah. I tried to lighten my words with a smiley eye-roll. ‘If it is, then there’s a heck of a lot of creeps out there. I’d be a creep, too, if you were considerate enough to be online.’
‘I’m surprised you don’t keep your account private, given your business.’
‘Well, that’s partly why I use my married name for work. But the Facebook profile has a specific purpose.’
I was halfway through explaining about the situation with Mum, Jonah expressing reassuring levels of astonishment and sympathy, when his phone pinged several times in rapid succession.
‘Ellis,’ he said, scanning the messages. ‘She fainted outside the chemist, so Damon—’ here, Jonah’s mouth twisted up in distaste as he continued reading ‘—took her to the antenatal clinic at King’s Mill and she had to wait ages to get checked out. She’s okay, baby’s okay. Just anaemic, and she’d not eaten. While she was waiting her phone died. Damon dropped her home, but she’s knackered and is going to bed.’
Jonah sat back with his eyes closed for a moment, blowing out a long sigh.
‘Do you need to go?’ I asked. We’d almost finished eating, anyway.
He shook his head, sitting up again as he started to type a reply.
‘No. She’s either going to bed by herself, in order to sleep, or with Damon. Either way, there’s no point me being there.’ He put down his phone. ‘I’ll still come along to the class, if that’s okay? I need all the information I can get, especially while Ellis’s attention is elsewhere.’
I screwed up my face in apology. ‘Sorry. We really can’t have a male attending alone, especially if he’s not the baby’s father. It’s hard enough for some of the mums to relax around men as it is.’
‘Of course. I should have thought. Okay. I guess I can find some videos online… buy a book, if you can recommend anything?’
I replied without even thinking about it. The thought of Jonah missing the classes, of potentially not seeing him every week, felt far worse than it should have done. I still had so much to ask, apologies to make, stories to share.
‘I do plenty of private, one-to-one classes, if that would be helpful? I mean, the only time I’ve done them without a mum present was for a gay couple who adopted, but it’s different when it’s an old…’
I trailed off, unable to call Jonah my foster brother after everything that had happened. He’d never been Bronah to me.
‘Old love?’ he filled in, using my word from before, with a lopsided smile that sent my heart thumping.
‘Old friend?’ I said, ducking my head.
‘When can you fit me in?’
‘Tuesday? You can come over about half seven, once the kids are in bed.’
‘Sounds perfect.’
‘Oh, and just come to the house. I’ve got a lad and his daughter living in the cabin.’
Jonah clicked his phone on the QR code to pay, then stood up, ready to leave. ‘So I heard.’