This was a day like no other. Everything seemed perfect, as if nothing could ever be better. It was a paradise of grasses and flowers with animals of all kinds living under a canopy of clouds and sky… everything painted a breathtaking canvas of perfection and beauty. But something was still missing in this Garden of Eden. Because Adam, the first human, walked in this paradise without a human companion.
God declared, “It is not good for the man to be alone” (Genesis 2:18). Here in this perfect world, where sin had not yet brought shame or heartache, there was a missing piece. Adam had a great relationship with God. He had the perfect job of attending to a beautiful garden. He had plenty to eat. Yet deep inside Adam was a void, an aching emptiness he couldn’t explain—not until God did something extraordinary.
God placed Adam into a deep sleep. And when the man awoke he experienced something beyond his comprehension—he experienced a creature called woman.
Imagine how Adam might have gazed through softly waving palms to see a face so captivating that he thought he’d be content never to look at anything else again. Imagine how raptly he watched her glide toward him with elegance and grace. Her softly sculptured shape and form was like nothing he had seen before. Imagine how fast his heart beat—her beauty, her fragrance, her presence filling his senses until it took his breath away. Why was he so magically attracted to her? What was this indefinable hunger to know her more than what he could see with his eyes? For the first time humans personally experienced this amazing gift from God called sexuality.
The Bible says this newly created man and woman were naked. They obviously desired each other physically. They naturally enjoyed one another sexually. And they did all this without guilt or shame (see Genesis 2:25). But where did this sexually passionate attraction to one another come from, and for what reason?
The sun’s rays and the moon’s beams were created by God. He spoke and the vast oceans, expansive lakes, rushing rivers, and cascading waterfalls materialized. The snow-capped mountains, the lush forests, the flat prairies, and all the animals that inhabit them were spoken into existence by God. The earth and all the planets of the universe burst into being from God’s great creative voice. But sex—that was a different type of creation. That one was on a totally different level. All creation was spoken into existence by God, but for humans and human sexuality God did something even more amazing.
The first chapter of the very first book of the Bible makes it clear: “God created human beings in his own image. In the image of God he created them; male and female he created them” (Genesis 1:27). Rather than simply speaking humans into existence, God personally formed the first human out of physical elements of the earth and then “breathed the breath of life” into him. This means Adam was more than simply an animal spoken into being. He and all his offspring were living souls with human sexuality created in God’s image.
Being created in God’s image doesn’t mean we look like him, because “God is Spirit, so those who worship him must worship in spirit and in truth” (John 4:24). While it is true that he took on human form in the person of Jesus, God doesn’t exist as a material or physical being—he is Spirit. Yet God created us physically, emotionally, spiritually and relationally with godlike characteristics, and that includes our sexuality. We were created by God in his own image, and yet we are sexual beings who are sexually attracted to each other. Is this sexual attraction a God thing that is somehow part of his image?
Some have suggested that the natural male-to-female attraction toward one another is rooted in the reality that within the nature of God reside both female and male characteristics. We know he is neither wholly male nor female in a literal sense even though he characterizes himself in masculine terms. Yet in his masterful design he has created two separate kinds of humans—one male and one female. And therefore the magnetic attraction of man to woman and woman to man might originate in the unity and completeness of a God who bears the characteristics of both male and female. God, so to speak, inherently has both the plus and minus characteristics of male and female, and when the two characteristics are placed separately in the two sexes, they naturally attract each other, like the opposing magnetic poles. The Godhead is one—in unity—and he created the two sexes to be in unity. That at least is one theory of why males and females are so attracted to one another. And it does have some merit.
Scripture teaches us that oneness—unity—is a defining characteristic of God. It declares “the LORD is one” (Deuteronomy 6:4 NIV). This singularity of God doesn’t contradict that God is Trinity, because Scripture is also clear that God is Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. However, this oneness of God demonstrates that a perfect relationship of unity exists within the Godhead. The Father has always been in infinite relationship and unity with the Son. The Son has always been in unity with the Father. And the Holy Spirit has always been in infinite harmony with both the Father and the Son. This perfect oneness isn’t something God strives for; it is not something he creates. It is something he is. “The Father and I are one,” Jesus said. “Realize that the Father is in me, and I am in the Father” (John 10:30,38).
The image of God reflects oneness and unity in perfect relationship. His togetherness is a relationship so infinitely loving that it produces an intimate oneness, a bonding, a togetherness, and a connectedness unparalleled in the universe. God cannot be separated. He cannot be divided. He exists as an eternal intimate relationship. And it is this capacity for loving, intimate relationships that humans have received from God himself.
“This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one” (Genesis 2:24). Our desire and need for intimacy in relationship is rooted in the image of God as one. Marriage and marital sex between a man and a woman reflects God’s nature of oneness and unity. Sexuality is a beautiful gift from God that gives humans the capacity for an intimate, loving relationship.
I (Dottie) have had women share with me how they grew up believing sex was a dirty word. Even within marriage some of them feel guilty for engaging in sex with their husbands. It’s clear these women have a distorted view. There is no reason to feel dirty or guilty about sexual relations within the context of marriage. God created sex for married couples to enjoy an intimate connection.
This truth has even been confirmed on a biological level. Researchers have discovered a hormone called oxytocin, nicknamed the “cuddle hormone.” Oxytocin is a chemical your brain releases during sex and the activity leading up to it. When this chemical is released, it prompts feelings of caring, trust, and deep affection. The same chemical is released when a mother breastfeeds her new baby. The purpose is to create a deep human bond or attachment to the other person.
Every time you have sex with another person, your body has a chemical reaction—the release of oxytocin—that tells you to be intimate with that person. That is one of the primary purposes of sex—to lead to an intimate relationship. God is the one who created the means to meet the human desire for intimacy at a biological level. But that’s only part of the whole. Relational intimacy isn’t fully achieved by simply engaging in a physical sex act. Human sexuality involves every aspect of a person’s being—physical, emotional, spiritual, and relational. And sex is meant to connect us on every level.
Over the years we have encountered scores of married couples wanting to know why they have lost the intimacy in their relationship. They have sex physically, but they are missing a deep love that connects them on every level. It’s as if they see sex as a physical pleasure separate from their spiritual, emotional, and relational lives. It is something they do rather than being a way of expressing every aspect of their lives with each other. Reality is, a fantastic sex life isn’t the cause of a great relationship. Rather, an intimate, close relationship on every level results in a fantastic sex life.
Most of our kids are also confused about what sex is all about. Many think it’s there to simply make them feel physically close to their boyfriend or girlfriend. Sure—sex gives you a physical sense of closeness for a brief moment, but as we’ve been saying, one of its real purposes is to bring every dimension of a couple together spiritually, emotionally, and relationally for a lifetime. That is why Jesus said, “Since they [a married couple] are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together” (Matthew 19:6). So until a man or woman is ready to commit to a lifetime of intimacy, they should not be engaging in an act that is designed to achieve that very thing.
As we raise our children one thing we need to make clear to them is that sex—that attraction between the opposite sex—is God’s beautiful gift to each of us. It’s not something that is dirty even though some people misuse it and distort his purpose for it. Just because a destructive culture distorts a beautiful thing doesn’t mean we act as though it’s a plague. We must lift up sex and human sexuality to the high level that God designed it. After all, it came from him—we were created sexual beings in his image.
God created sex and sexual relations as that bonding agent to deeply connect a man and a woman together spiritually, emotionally, relationally, and physically for a lifetime. But he didn’t create this “bonding agent” as a one-time event. The “urge to merge” can be felt as frequently and as often as our appetite for food, perhaps even more so for some.
Intimacy is a very important factor of sex, but engaging in marital sex for sheer pleasure is another. Sex should be a blast for a married man and woman who commit to loving one another for life. That doesn’t necessarily mean sexual pleasure will last into old age, but it might. There was an 84-year-old professor who taught a course on human sexuality at a university. One of his students asked how long sex could be enjoyed by couples. He stated, “I don’t know, but it’s until sometime after 84.” Pure and simple, sex is designed for pleasure—to playfully enjoy each other within the bonds of marriage as long as your bodies can handle it.
We realize there are those who disagree with the point that sex is also for pleasure. And we as a couple do not judge those who disagree with us. We respect those who believe sex is an obligation and a duty—we just feel it is our duty to explain that they are missing out on all the great pleasure! And if it helps, we can even back up the claim that having sex in marriage for fun is good by providing Scripture verses.
Sometimes people ask me (Josh), “Do you take the Bible literally?” I quickly reply, “When it comes to the wise advice of Solomon I absolutely do!” Read for yourself:
Let your wife be a fountain of blessing for you. Rejoice in the wife of your youth. She is a loving deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts satisfy you always. May you always be captivated by her love (Proverbs 5:18-19).
You are slender like a palm tree, and your breasts are like its clusters of fruit. I said, “I will climb the palm tree and take hold of the fruit.” May your breasts be like grape clusters, and the fragrance of your breath like apples. May your kisses be as exciting as the best wine, flowing gently over lips and teeth (Song of Solomon 7:6-9).
Now that’s my kind of Scripture! Don’t let anything (a culture or your past distorted teachings) rob you of the joy God wants you to have in your sex life.
One of the things I (Dottie) did as our kids were growing up was to let them know how much Josh and I enjoyed each other. Of course kids don’t want to mentally envision their parents’ sexual encounters. But I let my kids know that sexual relations were designed to be a beautiful and enjoyable experience when expressed in the context of marriage. And in very subtle ways I let them know Josh and I enjoyed God’s gift a great deal. And by the way, if you need more scriptural reinforcements that God wants sex to be enjoyed within the context of marriage, check out more of the Song of Songs (Song of Solomon).
One of the first things God said to the first couple, Adam and Eve, was, “Be fruitful and multiply” (Genesis 1:28). Now that has to be one of the most enjoyable commands ever to fulfill! And without fulfilling this procreation command, the human race would not continue.
At the beginning of the verse in Genesis it says, “Then God blessed them and said, ‘Be fruitful and multiply…’” (Genesis 1:28). The result of having children is clearly a blessing. Solomon said, “Grandchildren are the crowning glory of the aged; parents are the pride of their children” (Proverbs 17:6).
Perhaps there is no greater thrill than to realize that your intimate expression of love toward your spouse has created a precious life that will forever be known as your son or daughter. Sure, there are challenges to birthing and raising a child these days. But what an awesome privilege and blessing it is to have a family.
You as a parent, or a Christian leader responsible to help parents and their kids, want your children to navigate through life without hitting the landmines of pornography, premarital sex, or the heartache of broken families and relationships. You truly want your kids to be a blessing to you, to God, and to the world around them. That is what we all want. And one of the first steps to accomplish that is in helping our kids understand that sex is from God, that it is good, and that it is designed for not only procreation but also for their relational intimacy and for their enjoyment. And how you share that is the subject of this entire book.
Our children need to understand how God wants sex to bless their lives and relationships. They need to understand its purpose. But they also need to understand if they are to use it right, they must understand “the rules of engagement.” Just as with anything that is truly powerful and dynamic, we must understand how it is supposed to be used. And in the next chapter we will examine how sex is to be experienced within the context of boundaries.